Disclaimer: Nope, I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything related to any of the other authors I quoted either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Note: This is a parody. I've read similar stories, which were meant seriously but this story was written to make fun of stereoptypes, some of which I have used myself. I included several quotations from famous authors, such as Geoffrey Chaucer, Jane Austen, Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe and Oscar Wilde. I did not highlight these quotes for the sake of readability but feel free to ask. Grammatical obscurities, lack of setting, taste and decent characterisation as well as the repeated use of horrible nicknames and the absence of an original plot are intentional.

The Most Romantic Romance


The Loss of Innocence

Remus Lupin was pure and innocent. One would think that being a werewolf and constantly discriminated against by the entire Wizarding society and spending all his time with three sixteen-year-old boys would have changed that but, no, Remus John Lupin was innocence incarnate.

He was also secretly in love with his best friend Sirius Black. That his love was never tainted by indecent thoughts and desires goes without saying. Remus didn't have time for that since he spent all his life in the library anyway and hardly ever saw his friends. He loved all three of them nonetheless.

Peter Pettigrew, a slimy fat boy, was a coward, completely dumb and always sneaking around James and Sirius, ratting them out on every occasion and knowing Machiavelli's The Prince by heart. There was a reason James and Sirius spent so much time in detention and this reason was called Peter Darnley Pettigrew. There wasn't a good bone in Peter, none at all.

James Daniel Potter and Sirius Orion Black™ had everything. They were brilliant, dashingly good-looking and very popular. Rarely anyone knew that they were both easily outsmarted by Remus, who was more intelligent than the two put together. Although the girls never noticed him, Remus was the most beautiful boy Hogwarts had ever seen. He had huge amber and honey eyes, a breathtaking smile and perfect alabaster skin. His nails were flawlessly manicured, his breath was sweet and he was as meek as a maiden.

So it really came as no surprise that Sirius Orion Black™, the most infamous womaniser of all times, fell in love with Remus John Lupin at the age of eleven. The moment he laid his eyes on the shy, well-mannered boy with his shiny gold-brown hair, he was completely smitten. Even before Sirius knew what desire or sexual want was, before he had his first wank or wet dream, he knew that Remus was the love of his life. The next years he spent snogging as many girls as possible because Remus would probably think he was perverted. Additionally, he had no idea how to approach the shy, bookish werewolf.

Fortunately for both of them, Lily Evans, the brightest witch of her year and close friend of Remus, recognised their mutual affection.

"Remus John Lupin," she said one day in the library. "You have to tell him sometime."

"What exactly?" asked the amber-eyed boy.

Lily sighed. "What you feel for Black."

Remus chewed on his lip nervously. "I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him – that I greatly esteem, that I like him."

Lily shot him an exasperated look. Sometimes talking to Remus felt like being in an eighteenth century novel. "So tell him!"

"No," answered Remus, eyes wide open in shock. "I couldn't. He could never commit himself and he also doesn't like boys. Padfoot has a new girl every week!"

Remus was right, except, of course that he wasn't. Sirius appeared to have a new girlfriend every week with who he was madly in love, but was in fact still a virgin.

One day, after Sirius and James had hexed a bunch of Slytherins with some new hex they both couldn't be bothered to name, Remus decided to go to the library. For no apparent reason, he was cornered by Severus Snape just outside his favourite place.

"Well, Lupin," he said in his melodic and mysterious voice. "Aren't you with your friends hexing Slytherins?" Because that was exactly what Remus Lupin never did. He found hexing people at random stupid and immature, not to mention morally questionable, and usually sided with Lily Evans and Professor McGonagall.

Thus his mild answer was, "No, Severus, of course not. I'm on my way to the library. I have to study for Potions." He bit his gorgeous lip. "Maybe you could…would help me with it?" Remus smiled shyly, expecting to be rejected. He should not have worried. Severus Snape had a crush on him as well. The misunderstood Slytherin with the dark romantic vibe loathed his friends, who were always mean to him, but was awfully fascinated by the beautiful and slender boy in front of him.

"I might consider it," Severus answered, restraining himself from ravishing Remus right then and there.

This was the opportune moment for Sirius to appear out of nowhere.

"Let him be!" he snarled and moved in front of Remus, protecting him. Remus almost swooned because of the sudden closeness to the boy he was (platonically) in love with. "Alright there, Moony?" asked Sirius tenderly.

"Yeah," whispered Remus softly. Severus Snape only grunted non-committal, turned a shade of jealous green and left without hexing anyone. Sirius was relieved; his Moony was safe. To make absolutely sure, he accompanied his friend into the library, a place he otherwise avoided like the plague. Remus didn't know what to make of Sirius' behaviour and was thoroughly confused.

Later that night, after Remus had left the library at last, he lay awake in his bed, reading his favourite book by Cornelia Funke, trying to forget about the thunderstorm that was howling outside the castle. The other Marauders were all asleep or rather should be.

"Moony?" asked a tiny voice in the dark. The curtains were drawn aside and there stood Sirius, trembling with fear. He didn't wear a shirt and dark red silken shorts hung low on his narrow hips.

"Can't you sleep, Paddy?" asked Remus unnecessarily.

"No, too cold," lied Sirius, who also wasn't the least bit Irish.

"Come on in then," offered Remus genially. Sirius snuck into the bed and snuggled up to Remus' slender figure, sighing happily. Should he tell him now that he was in love with him or wait for the next game of Spin the Bottle™?

"Paddy?" whispered Remus suddenly.

"Yeah, Remy?"

Remus sighed. He had no idea what possessed him to ask what he asked next. "Do you think I'll ever find someone who loves me?"

Sirius looked over to his friend and despite the utter darkness, he could see thick tears running down his deliciously pale cheeks. "Why, yes, of course!" he cried. James snored loudly. Remus shot him an incredulous look. Sirius took a deep breath. "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

"You…you do?" asked Remus incredulously. His eyes had grown as big as wheels. How could anyone love him? And where had Sirius learned to speak like that?

"Yes," smiled Sirius into the not so dark darkness. Remus was just too cute! He almost felt like squealing. "May I kiss you?" he asked.

Remus nodded and blushed. Their lips met in a very chaste kiss. In fact, they hardly met but Sirius moaned in ecstasy. It was the bestest kiss he ever had. He cupped Remus' tear-stained face and pulled him closer.

Remus got a little scared because Sirius was a boy and he was kissing him and they were in his bed! Fortunately, he remembered just in time that he was a boy, too. Sirius' tongue pushed gently between his lips and Remus let it happen.

Sirius couldn't believe that he was really kissing Remus. He tasted simply wonderful; of strawberries, apples, black - but in no case red – currants, cantaloupes, cherries, bananas, mangoes…in short of the fruit salad they had had for dinner. The kiss deepened, Remus' hand wandered to the nape of Sirius' neck, drawing him closer, and they were both nearly hyperventilating when they broke apart.

"Holy Mother of God," said Sirius, who had been taught everything about Muggle religion by an itinerant preacher, who will not be mentioned again.

Remus looked thoroughly kissed and would have agreed if there was not this nagging suspicion. "Paddy, you're not just using me, are you?" he asked. Despite their long lasting friendship, his friends' acceptance of him being a werewolf and their three-year-long struggle to become Animagi for him, Remus always feared that they were only playing with him.

Sirius looked indignant, his grey eyes dark and moist. "No, of course not; you are different from all these girls. Now that you are mine, I will stop whoring around, which I never really did anyway, and be monogamous." Remus beamed at him and shortly after, they both went to sleep.

Remus had a very vivid dream. He was dreaming about a white wedding, a breathtakingly beautiful antique ring with a tasteful diamond and a house in Surrey and thus he was more than a little disturbed when he woke up. He didn't dare tell his friends about the dream because he knew that Sirius already wondered whether Remus was being temporarily possessed by a fourteen-year-old fan girl.

Right before breakfast, Sirius told his not-so-current girlfriend that she was history. She wasn't too pleased with this development and nearly fainted when she saw the reason for the break-up arriving at the Gryffindor table and being thoroughly snogged by Sirius. There was a lot of whistling and clapping. James congratulated his mates, Peter pretended to be surprised but OK while being secretly disgusted and plotting his future betrayal. Dumbledore jumped madly up and down the table, winking violently, and Snape glared jealously at Sirius, which looked very good on him, being darkly romantic and all that.

Remus was somewhat embarrassed by the public display of affection but deliriously happy that Sirius was now his boyfriend. He didn't notice Lily's gaze on him. She, of course, had known all along and was now waiting for Snape to try to ruin everything and destroy the young love before everyone would reconcile and live happily ever after.

The very next day Snape made his move.

"Remus," said Sirius' known arch-enemy. "I must tell you that Black will break your heart. He is only using you."

"He is?" asked Remus, already heartbroken.

"Yes. I'm sorry, but I overheard him and Potter in…er, a corridor on the fourth floor." Snape tried not to look too triumphant. After all, he was only doing it because he loved Remus and was a misunderstood Gothic hero.

Tears welled up in Remus' eyes and he seriously considered suicide as an option. Why had his Padfoot betrayed him? Oh, the misery! Woe to him!

With trembling chin Remus looked at Snape.

"I'm really sorry, Remus, er, Lupin." Snape tried a mysterious but sincere look through his greasy hair. Remus wailed in agony and stormed off towards the library. There he buried himself under a heap of massively heavy books about magical stuff, craving chocolate and oblivion.

Fortunately, Lily had overheard the conversation. She decided to take the initiative and went looking for the most horrible person Hogwarts had ever seen.

"James Potter," she cried when she found him, helping a first year find her way. "You are despicable and pathetic, you are a bully and I hate the guts o--"

"Yes, yes, I know. Spare the rest for your afterlife, honey bun, what can I do for you?" interrupted James, giving the first year a sucker and sending her on her way.

Lily gulped. "Erm, you see, Snape told Remus that Sirius isn't serious about him. No pun intended, of course. Remus ran away and is hiding somewhere," said Lily in a rush, feeling nervous all of a sudden.

"Oh no!" exclaimed James. "Remus believed Snivellus?"

"I'm afraid so," answered Lily.

James could not believe it. He took out the two-way mirror and urgently hissed his best friend's name.

"Yes, Jim™, what is it?" asked Sirius cheerfully. He had just sneaked into Hogsmeade to get Ice Mice, Remus' favourite sweets.

"Snivellus told Moony that you're using him," cried James.

"And Moony believed him?" asked Sirius incredulously.

"Yes," snapped Lily, peeking over James' shoulder. "It's probably that time of the month."

"Oh, I see…wait, you know about his… that he is…?" asked Sirius while jogging back to Hogwarts.

"Temporarily possessed by a fourteen-year-old fan girl?" Lily completed the sentence. "Yes, of course. I spend every day with him in the library. Talks about make-up and nail polish tipped me off." Lily smiled wryly. James and mirror-Sirius only gaped at her.

"What? He also writes a diary!" cried Lily, exasperated.

"True," agreed James and Sirius in unison.

"Padfoot, where does Moony go when he's really upset?" James asked mirror-Sirius, who was ostensibly the only one familiar with Remus' habits.

"Oh…let…me…think," gasped the running Marauder. "There are…three places. The…library…the kitch…ens…and the dorm."

"Good. Convenient too," mused James. "Lily, would you look for Remus in the library? I'll go to the kitchens and Sirius, you'll go straight to the dorm."

Lily tossed her shiny red hair. "Finally, you did something good." And off she was.

"I always liked your taste in wine and girls extremely," remarked mirror-Sirius before his face disappeared.

Sirius was worried. Whenever Remus was in this mood, he acted totally out of character. He cried, raged, sulked and ate tons of chocolate. What if they didn't find him? What if his Moony had hurt himself? Oh, the suspense was killing him.

When Sirius arrived in the dormitory he found a sobbing heap of desperate werewolf on his bed. He let out a relieved sigh, walked over and sat down next to him. Remus lay there trembling, face buried in Sirius' pillows and didn't look up.

"I'm glad you're here. I expected you to be in the library though," Sirius said softly. Remus tensed and turned his head. His eyes were swollen and red from crying.

"I was," he sobbed. "But…I found…a way to…Apparate within the…the castle."

Sirius smiled fondly. "That's my Moony, always brilliant."

"I'm not your Moony," snapped Remus, lips wobbling and eyes wild.

"Calm down, love," said Sirius soothingly but suddenly Remus' body thrashed back and forth, his eyes wide, rolling wildly in his sockets, and his mouth lathery. Sirius reacted fast. He gripped Remus' wrists and used his weight to hold his boyfriend down.

"I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME!" roared the werewolf.

"Moony, that's not you, that's the fan girl talking. Look at me and remember who you are!" Sirius tried to appease him.

"CHOCOLATE, I WANT MORE CHOCOLATE!" screeched the possessed boy. Sirius struggled with him but felt utterly helpless. Fortunately, James and Lily entered the dormitory at this particular moment.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" exclaimed Lily.

"Merlin's beard!" exclaimed James.

Sirius kept silent, for he was undecided whom he should cry to. Besides, he was busy keeping the raving boy under him in check.


"We need Holy Water," said Lily.


"it's a Muggle thing. It's used for exorcism."

"He isn't possessed by a Muggle," argued James.

"I could use a little help here," remarked Sirius before he got punched in the face. "Ow!"

Lily rolled her eyes and drew out her wand. "Petrificus Totalus!"

Remus' body went utterly stiff.

"About time," growled Sirius, rubbing his chin.

"We should take him to the Hospital Wing," muttered Lily.

"No!" exclaimed James and Sirius simultaneously. Remus hated being in the Hospital Wing. Lily frowned. Remus would have frowned if he hadn't been paralysed.

"OK, then let's try to think logically. Remus is possessed. We either exorcise the demon, er, fan girl, which could be difficult without Holy Water and a Bible, or we satisfy her wishes." Lily looked at Sirius expectantly.

"Oh…oh, you mean make her happy so that she shuts up and gives it a rest?"


Sirius grinned. "You might consider that strategy with Prongsy boy here."

James couldn't help but chuckle, though he almost choked as Lily glared at them.

"What does she want?" mused Sirius, looking at Remus' stiff form.

"Boys!" cried Lily. "She told you herself. She wants chocolate and marriage."

"Marriage?" Sirius blinked. The following silence was eerie.

"Evans, are you saying that Padfoot here should marry Moony?"

"And they are saying you are the smartest boys at Hogwarts," muttered Lily unnerved. "Of course not; I think a proposal should be enough. That reminds me, we need a ring."

"A ring?"

"Yes, yes. Anything round will do. We'll charm it."

James looked around hectically before hurrying over to his bed and rummaging in his trunk. "Here, take this!" He held up what Sirius recognised as a cock ring.

"Prongs, mate, why do you have…oh, never mind," Sirius grinned. As he and everyone in the dorm knew, James did everything very fast. Sirius shrugged and shot a curious glance at Lily. The redhead eyed the unknown object in James' hand suspiciously but was apparently clueless as to its purpose. James was beetroot red.

"Oh, give it here, Potter," he sighed and strolled over to his best friend. He was best at Transfiguration, so consequently the job was his. Sirius did some very amazing wand movements and muttered several tongue-twisting words in Latin and voilà, the ring was shrunk to finger size and shimmering metallic. "Sorry, no gold. Would have needed a Philosopher's Stone for that."

"It'll do," said Lily determinedly.

Sirius took the ring and nodded. He went over to where the paralysed werewolf lay and sat down beside him.

"Hold the ring up before you lift the spell," advised James.

Sirius bit his lip nervously. He was in love with Remus since God knew when and yet, he had never imagined proposing to him. And now he was about to do just that in front of James and Evans! The ring lay cool in his hand as he took a deep breath and pointed his wand at Remus, muttering, "Finite Incantatem."

The expected raving held off. Remus sat up, eyes fixed on the ring in Sirius' hand.

"Uhm…Moony? Are you alright?" inquired Sirius anxiously.

"Never better," said Remus in his most angelic voice. Sirius turned and shot a questioning look at James and Lily. The both shrugged and shook their heads. Remus seemed to be lost in reverie.

Sirius cleared his throat. "M-Moony? I…wanted to ask you something. Uhm…you know that I…love you, right? And…I-I thought…I…well, you-"

"Get the hell on with it, Black," interjected Lily. Sirius bestowed his pure-blood death glare on her, before turning his attention back on the slender boy next to him.

Here goes nothing, he thought. "Remuswillyoumarryme?"

"What?" asked Remus, his ears turning a delicate shade of pink.

"Will. You. Marry. Me?" Sirius repeated slowly through gritted teeth. He heard a suppressed sob and James saying, "There, there."

Remus looked deliciously bewildered and turned even pinker. His eyes weren't as wild as before and he looked a little more like himself. "Yes, I'd…love…to, Paddy," he finally stammered.

Sirius heard an amusedly whispered, "Paddy?" but didn't care because he was too busy grinning at Remus. He would hex Evans later. "Well, then…" he said and reached out for the werewolf's hand. Remus gave it willingly and Sirius slid the ring on his finger.

There was a loud crack and the room darkened considerably. A pink cloud was hovering over Remus' suddenly unconscious form. Sirius stared at it aghast. "Who the fucking hell are you?"

The cloud chuckled. "I am the Spirit that denies! And rightly too; for all that doth begin should rightly to destruction run!" The voice was high and girly but it made the young people shudder nonetheless.

Sirius didn't like being laughed at by an incorporeal concentration of pink air and his mercurial temper was spiralling higher than the demon. "Evanesco!" he said, pointing his wand at the cloud.

Nothing happened. The cloud chuckled again. "I am your future wife, Sirius Orion Black™. You cannot vanish me."

"He didn't exactly ask you to marry him, did he?" asked Lily sharply. Sirius turned his head and saw her standing right behind him, green eyes blazing fiercely. The cloud lost several shades of pink.

"No," came the girly voice. "But he has to love me. He is so sexy and hot."

James coughed and Sirius smirked. There was apparently no escaping his irresistible charm.

"You're not helping, Black," hissed Lily. Right.

"I'm not in love with you nor will I ever be," he said determinedly.

"But," sobbed the pale pink cloud, "we could get to know each other better."

"Er, no, thanks but no. I mean, you must have noticed that Remus is a bloke right?" Sirius asked smugly. He was his old self again. Batting girls away was easy. After all, he had done it for years.

"You dated girls!" screeched the cloud.

"Yeah, but only because I couldn't get Moony. I'm gay, a shirt lifter, a poof, I'm queer, a sodomite and totally not into girls!" He took a deep breath and grinned deviously. "Get the picture?"

The cloud was almost white now and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Smooth, Black. If this wasn't a demon I'd hex you for talking to her like that!" Lily exclaimed under her breath.

"It's working, isn't it?" hissed Sirius back.

"I need chocolate," wailed the cloud. James poked Sirius in the side and handed him several bars of chocolate. Contrary to Remus, James loved chocolate and always had a stash in his trunk – apparently next to the cock ring. Sirius suppressed a wicked grin and decided to leave any remarks for afterwards.

"You'll get chocolate if you promise to leave us alone, especially Moony, you hear me?" The cloud looked sullen.

"Well, I have to eat the chocolate all by myself then," said James and reached out for the bars in Sirius' hand. Both boys were grinning.

"NOOOOO! I'll promise anything, just give me the chocolate!" The cloud looked downright pale.

"Well…I don't know," mused Sirius ostensibly. "Prongs, d' you think we can trust her?"

"YEEEES," sobbed the cloud loudly. James nodded and Sirius threw the chocolate expertly into the demonic concentration of fangirlism. He wasn't Gryffindor's best beater for nothing! The chocolate disappeared inside the cloud and there was a moment's silence before the darkness retreated and the demonic fan girl vanished into thin air.

Sirius' first concern was his unconscious boyfriend. He took Remus' lifeless hand in his and squeezed it affectionately before leaning forward and pressing a soft and tender kiss on the werewolf's forehead. "Moony, Moony, please be OK," he mumbled and pulled the slender boy in a tight embrace.

"Hngh," made Remus, who had obviously regained consciousness and was about to lose it again due to lack of oxygen.

"Oh, oh…sorry," said Sirius contritely and loosened his grip. Remus nuzzled his nose into Sirius' neck and sighed happily before pulling away and smiling shyly at the three attendant Gryffindors. Lily and James beamed at him and each other until they remembered that they weren't exactly friends.

"Right. Thanks for your help, Evans," said James.

"You're welcome," Lily replied, feeling an unexpected warmth in her chest. As soon as she was gone, James hurried over to Remus and James and grinned foolishly at them.

"She liiiiikes me," he boasted, ruffling his hair.

"What happened?" Remus looked confusedly at his friends. He felt weak and exhausted and couldn't imagine what might have brought Lily into the boys' dormitory. James told him. When he reached the point where Sirius had transformed his sex toy, Remus struggled to remove the suspicious piece of jewellery as fast as possible. Sirius erupted into barking laughter™ and even James grinned.

"What? It was a matter of life and death," he chuckled.

"I suppose," admitted Remus grudgingly. Sirius was still laughing when the door burst open and Peter stumbled in.

"H-hi," he squeaked. The three boys smiled genially at the fourth Marauder and told him what he had missed. Peter, who just had come from a conspiratorial meeting with Snape, feigned surprise. The rest of the day went by without further surprises and Remus felt better than he had in ages. Sirius loved him and he was rid of the fan girl.

That night Sirius crawled into his bed again.

"Moony," he whispered, "I'm sorry about what happened. I feel…guilty, I suppose." He looked very handsome in the dark and was only wearing pyjama trousers. Remus, clothed fully in flannel™, reached out for his boyfriend and pulled him into his arms. Sirius snuggled happily against him and rested his head in the crook of Remus' neck.

"T'is alright, Paddy. Not your fault that you're so beautiful."


"No buts. You saved me, remember?" asked Remus softly. His hands were playing with Sirius glossy raven black hair. Sirius sighed heavily. They lay entwined in comfortable silence. Sirius was almost lost in the feeling of flannel™ and Remus. He simply adored the boy and snuggled closer.

"Paddy?" asked Remus after a while.


"Did you mean it?"


"Would you really marry me?"

Sirius turned his head and peeked at Remus. "Whaddaya askin' m' that for?" he slurred sleepily. He managed a mischievous grin. "Did y' want to?"

Remus snorted. "'m not a girl!" After a pause he added, "I just wanted to know. Sirius?" Sirius snored contentedly and drooled on Remus' shirt. The werewolf sighed and pecked his boyfriend's hair before he drifted off as well.

Three days later Remus learned what desire was. He and Sirius were snogging on Sirius' bed and Sirius was nearly lying on top of him, cupping Remus face gently with one hand and bracing his weight on the other arm when Remus suddenly felt a longing ache in his lower belly. It was so intense that he moaned into the kiss. His hand, which had been lying rather innocently on the small of Sirius' back, moved in little circles and exercised hesitant pressure. Sirius broke the kiss and grinned down at him, moving a tiny fraction and…oh…they were apparently equally excited. Remus gasped as he experienced the most delicious friction. How could Sirius make him feel so good?

"Oh," he moaned as Sirius actually moved again, and arched into the contact. This was exciting and new and somehow also scary. Sirius was pressing open-mouthed kisses to his neck and Remus' brain became all woolly. He wanted this to continue as it was getting better and more intense with every motion and the knot of searing pleasure in his lower belly grew bigger and bigger. Sirius' eyes were gazed when he moved in for another deep and desperate kiss and then suddenly something exploded behind Remus' eyelids and glorious relief flooded through and out of him. And as easy as that, Remus John Lupin learned what an orgasm was. Sirius groaned a few seconds later and became all boneless on top of Remus.

"Paddy?" asked Remus a little later. Sirius raised his head and smiled gorgeously down at him before planting butterfly kisses all over his face.

"Yes, luv," he whispered between kisses. "What is it?"

Remus felt suddenly stupid about asking Sirius what this had been about. His boyfriend was apparently not in the least disturbed. He decided to do what he always did. Make a list™ and go to the library.

That's why he said, "Nothing," and, "I love you."

"Love you, too," said Sirius and his smile grew impossibly wider.

Thus, as Sirius, James and Peter had gone off to do some stupid prank, Remus went straight to the library. The librarian had practically adopted him and so he had no problems to get some books out of the restricted section. Books about sexuality in general were certainly not a casual read, not to mention books about Werewolf Mating Habits™. After several minutes of begging and sighing he was allowed to search several restricted books for whatever he was looking for – scientific purposes only, of course.

In one book called A Wizard's Guide to Sexuality And How To Prevent It he read "The subject of wizards and sex is a complicated one, but as has already been indicated it does, in essence, boil down to this: when it comes to wine, women and song, wizards are allowed to get drunk and croon as much as they like."

This wouldn't do at all. Remus sighed and opened another immensely heavy and unwieldy book, which bore the promising title Magical Creatures And How To Sexually Harass Them.

Just as he had found a chapter about werewolves a familiar voice asked, "What are you reading?"

Remus turned a brilliant shade of red but sighed with relief that it wasn't Sirius. "Oh, hi Lily. I am doing some extra research on…" He quickly needed an excuse.

"Sex?" asked Lily, eyes twinkling with amusement. She had obviously read a few titles before she interrupted his reading.

"Uhm," made Remus, his face on fire.

"Oh, come on Remus, you are not embarrassed are you? Why? I am a girl and you are gayer than a wedding cake with extra icing."

Remus managed to simultaneously choke and gasp. Lily grinned and sat down on the chair next to him. Her red hair was particularly shiny but since Remus wasn't possessed anymore, he didn't notice these things.

"So what have you found out?" Lily asked curiously.

"Er,…not much," stammered Remus.

"Let me help you then." Lily already reached out for the nearest book, so Remus shrugged and went back to reading.

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed excitedly about half an hour later. "Look, you are supposed to be dominant and possessive!"

"I'll keep that in mind," Remus said, blushing at the mere thought of dominating Sirius in anything. Lily snickered.

"Oh," she reiterated a couple of minutes later, this time less cheerful.

"What is it?"

"Uhm, werewolves mate for life™." Her green eyes swam with sympathy.

"The-they do?" asked Remus, panicking. He grabbed the book and…and…and there it was in cold print. "Wait a minute! How do you know that I…I--"

"Oh, Remus, that's so obvious. I figured it out in first year. Potter and Black needed another year, right? Stupid Potter…though I think he has matured…er,…well, we all know that they don't deserve to be called the cleverest students of our year."

Remus gaped at her. "You don't hate me?"

"No, why would I?" Lily asked gently. How could anyone hate Remus? If she wasn't so angry at Potter all the time she would fancy Remus herself.

Remus was very silent for the rest of the day. He had found the same dooming sentence in other books as well. Mating for life. This sounded really horrible. Like marriage. Oh hell!

Sirius noticed that something was wrong when Remus actually ate his chocolate éclair at dinner.

"Moony, is that fan girl back or something?"


"You are eating You Know What."

Remus looked down and dropped his fork and made a face that screamed "Blergh!"

Peter, who was sitting next to Remus, waited eagerly for Remus to say something he could turn to his advantage. He had promised Snape to tell him anything out of the ordinary that could indicate an end to Sirius' and Remus' love. But Remus didn't say anything, he just drank a huge gulp of pumpkin juice to get rid of the chocolate taste. Sirius frowned but didn't pry, for which Remus was immensely grateful. Sighing in frustration Peter stabbed at his potatoes.

Around midnight, Remus sat on his favourite sofa in the Common Room, covered with a fluffy blanket, thinking. How long would Sirius be his boyfriend if he found out that they could never have sex without bonding for life? This was all extremely vexing. Maybe it would be better if he broke up with Sirius, though he could not find a logical reason for the why. Thinking straight was horrible difficult lately.

"So what's really eating you, Moonykins?"

Remus positively jumped. Sirius, kneeling beside the sofa, chuckled. He wore his silken pyjama pants, and a Rolling Stones shirt, a combination that was deeply disturbing and vaguely erotic.

"Paddy, you scared me to death!" exclaimed Remus.

"Sorry, luv, let me kiss it better," leered Sirius.

"Sirius!" Remus glared at Sirius for making him squeal. His boyfriend grinned and flopped next to him on the sofa. It was hard to stay angry at the raven-black-haired boy, especially after Remus had discovered his sexuality.

"Will you now tell me what's wrong?" Sirius' grey eyes were like stormy billows, devouring him.

Remus bit his already swollen lips™. "I can't tell you."

"Why? I thought you trusted me." Sirius looked hurt.

"I do, I really do, but…"

"But what?"

"You wouldn't like me anymore if you knew," Remus said sadly, so close to tears that his chin was wobbling.

"What?" Sirius looked indignant. How could his Moony think that? Didn't he know how much he loved him? Sirius grabbed Remus' delicate hand and held it between his. "Moony," he said fervently and softly at the same time, "I love you and nothing can change that."

Remus blinked back tears. "I love you, too, Paddy. But there is something really awful that you don't know about me and…and…it's just really horrible."

"Please, sweetheart, tell me," begged Sirius.

"We can never have…you know."

"I know what?"

"You…we can never…give in to our…carnalinstincts."

Sirius blinked. "Come again?"

Remus' face was on fire and he couldn't look at Sirius. "Uhm," he said.

"Yes?" Sirius looked confused but still very lovely.

"S-sexual intercourse," Remus sputtered.

"You're talking about shagging?"

Remus nodded and blushed even more.

"Oh," Sirius said, finally understanding.


"And what makes you think we'll never shag?"

"I read a book. In…in the library. About werewolves."


Remus looked up. Sirius watched him intently, his eyes full of concern and affection. He deserved to know the truth, even if this meant that he wouldn't love him anymore. After taking a deep breath, Remus closed his eyes and pressed out, "And werewolvesmateforlife™."


"So I really understand if you don't want to…to," Remus swallowed hard, "be with me anymore." And with that the amber-eyed boy tried to pull his hand away. Sirius tightened his grip.

"Moony, look at me," he said roughly. Remus reluctantly obeyed. "What makes you think I'd stop loving you because of that? It's probably only a myth and if it is true…well, I don't care. I love you. I've loved you since the day we met." Sirius' face was solemn and Remus would have seen his love and affection if he hadn't been crying so hard that his vision was blurred.

"'m sorry," he wailed. Sirius made hushing noises and pulled him closer, embracing and comforting him. His hands were stroking Remus' back while he whispered sweet nothings into the werewolf's ear.

After a while Remus calmed down and pulled away. Sirius' Rolling Stones shirt was soaked where his face had been but Sirius apparently didn't care. His grey eyes were overflowing with warmth. If Remus only knew how beautiful he was, even with red eyes and swollen lips™. Sirius couldn't resist his boyish urges any longer and leaned forward to kiss the slender boy in his arms. Softly, Sirius claimed his mouth, sucking on his lower lip and tongue. He continued his gentle exploration when Remus gasped into the kiss and put one hand on the nape of his neck. They spent a good half an hour in this pleasant way before they went up to their dormitory and fell asleep curled around each other.

The next day, Sirius accompanied Remus into the library. The librarian made a red cross in her calendar as she saw Sirius Orion Black™ actually reading a book. She needed her smelling salt when he opened a second one and made notes.

"Found anything?" Remus asked one hour later.

"Sodomy non sapiens."

"What does that mean?"

"Means I'm buggered if I know."

"Oh, very funny, Black."

Sirius grinned and leaned back on his chair, stretching. Remus had to swallow hard at the sight of his handsome boyfriend. They had done some research of a completely different kind in the morning and it had left him both flustered and extremely satiated. This new kind of hunger scared the fragile boy. His love for Sirius was different now, less innocent and pure but also deeper and more intense.

"You alright, luv?" Sirius watched him amusedly. Of course he knew about the effect he had on others and Remus' new developed urges were not only awfully cute but made certain parts of his body all twitchy.

Remus turned a little pink, which made his alabaster skin even more delectable, and nodded. Unfortunately, they didn't get any more information on Werewolf Mating Habits™. It seemed to be true. As soon as Remus had sex he would be mated for life to his…well, mate. Sirius wasn't sure whether he was ready to take this step but he knew that he was very much in love with Moony and would do anything to make him happy. If they weren't ready for such an irrevocable step they would have to wait.

They lasted a month.

Remus had discovered his dominant nature as the full moon came closer. Their nocturnal games became more passionate and urgent. Once, two days before the moon was full, Remus had ripped Sirius' favourite silken shorts off, nearly ruining them forever, in the process of getting his hands on as much skin as humanly – and superhumanly – possible. Sirius was understandably surprised by this change in the mild-mannered boy but enjoyed this rather rough form of love just as much. And yet, they had both been alarmed as they discovered large bruises on Sirius' neck and hipbones where Remus' teeth and fingers had sunk into the tender flesh. Over the following week they had slept alone, each in their own bed, pretending it was only for Remus' sake.

Needless to say that the week was horrible. Remus found that he had been a lot happier before his sexual awakening. Seeing Sirius stretching in the morning, coming into the room after showering, barely covered by the towel around his hips, or watching him talk animatedly with James about Quidditch and thereby gesturing wildly with his adorable hands, drove him gradually round the bend in more than one way.

There was also only so much pent up sexual need Sirius could take. Remus recovered very fast these days and he kept staring at him in a clearly predatory way. The undisguised hunger in his eyes made Sirius jumpy and twitchy. He wasn't sure whether he had ever wanked more often in his entire life.

When, one evening, Sirius returned from Quidditch practice all sweaty and flushed from the exercise, Remus pounced™ and Sirius found himself flat on the floor with a very pushy werewolf on top, kissing and licking every obtainable spot of skin.

"Moon, 'm all sweaty!"

Remus growled and pulled the other boy up. "Prefects' bathroom! Now!"

They didn't lose any more time and moved quickly, very quickly to their desired destination. Fortunately, none of the other Prefects used this room, which was implausible but not impossible. Remus even remembered to lock the door before he tackled Sirius to the floor. They attacked each other with lips and teeth, tongues and hands, swiftly undressing each other in the process.

Only when he had not a single breath left, Sirius pulled away, panting. His lips swollen™ and his stormy grey eyes gazed, he stumbled over to the marble bath tub and opened several taps. Steaming water and extremely romantic pink heart shaped bubbles filled the tub. Remus still sat where their desire had taken them, drinking in the sight of a very naked and evidently excited Sirius, surrounded by diaphanous hearts.

"I love you so much," the amber-eyed boy said softly, overwhelmed with affection for his handsome boyfriend.

Sirius smiled gorgeously. "I love you, too, Remy. More than anything else." Remus turned as pink as the bubbles and got up, longing to embrace the other boy. They kissed and caressed each other until the tub was three quarters full and then they slid into the steaming heat. Remus was dizzy with desire and lust and maybe a little from hot water, too.

"Do you want to?" Sirius asked.

Remus bit his lip. He wanted Sirius, wanted to mark him as his. But they were only sixteen and he didn't want to force his best friend and love of his life into anything he wasn't ready to do, didn't want to hurt him.

"Moony?" Sirius asked again, leaning in for a soft and sweet kiss. Remus sighed into his mouth. Oh, this was so perfect! If only he knew…

But as Sirius' tongue slipped in and his hands settled on his lower back, bringing them close together, Remus found that a hormonal teenager and a werewolf on top of that shouldn't be entrusted with such a decision.

"Want you," the slender, amber-eyed boy gasped into the kiss. Sirius trembled at the words and pressed them even closer together. They both gasped as their hips met.

"Want you, too," he said huskily. Remus growled, brought his hands up to Sirius' head and crushed their lips together into a vicious kiss. When Sirius pulled away, his cheeks were rosy and his lips not only swollen™ but also bitten and slightly sore; his raven-black hair clung wetly to his face and neck but he couldn't be any happier. Sirius was ridiculously in love with the amazing creature in his arms. Remus' eyes had this feral edge again and they were darker, almost obsidian. "Let's do it then," Sirius added, feeling slightly nervous and very excited.

"How exactly?" Remus was blushing, which was only too cute.

"You read the same books," answered Sirius, grinning.

"Yes, but I thought…"

"I've never done it, either." Sirius licked his lips, feeling suddenly anxious. What if Remus laughed at him?

"Oh." No laughing but a breathtaking smile. "Then you'll really be mine, forever."

"Forever," repeated Sirius and suddenly the word didn't sound too bad. They kissed again and decided to do it outside before the hot water made one of them faint.

The candlelight of the chandelier flattered both of them. Not that this was necessary, of course. Sirius lay two of the fluffy white towels on the ground and Remus nicked a handful of vanilla cream bubble bath.

"I want you to do the…doing," Remus said, smiling shyly.

"Oh. OK," answered Sirius, slightly overwhelmed by the trust the smaller boy put into him. He groaned as Remus' hands coated him with vanilla cream bubble bath. "Oh, Moony."

Remus smiled but this time rather slyly. He budged closer, one hand still on Sirius' hardness and showered his chest and neck with kisses. Sirius' hands roamed over Remus' body, the body he had so sorely missed over the last week. Remus' skin was as soft as feathers and had the colour of early morning milk. Just touching him was heaven. Remus felt the same about Sirius, whose skin was as silken as his pyjama pants. Being so close to him made Remus breathe in deeply the smell that was exotic and spicy and so typical Sirius.

Moments later they broke apart and Remus lay back, shuffling nervously on the towels. Preparing Remus was more enjoyable than Sirius would have thought. The beautiful boy under him writhed and moaned as his fingers explored the puckered™ flesh down there. Only minutes later Remus moved back against him impatiently.

"Please, Sirius," he begged and, remembering the wank magazines he had read over the last week, he added. "Fuck me!" Sirius almost expected the ceiling to come down on them, for Remus had certainly never used this word before. But as nothing happened, Sirius gave in to his arousal, closed his eyes and did as he was told.

Nothing had prepared him for the perfect feeling he was experiencing now. The closeness and tightness were almost his undoing. But then he heard a painful whimper and opened his eyes in shock. Remus had his eyes squeezed shut and was obviously in pain.

"Oh shit, Moony, does it hurt?" he asked superfluously.

"Yes…but…keep going, yeah?" Remus' eyes were still closed and his voice strained.

"You sure, luv?"


And so Sirius obeyed. The feeling was almost too much, it was so good.

"Move!" commanded Remus, lifting his legs and crossing them behind Sirius' lower back, drawing him closer and deeper. He moved. Remus relaxed visibly and audibly after several movements, urging him on. His nails were digging deep into Sirius shoulders and he arched and bit down hard in his boyfriend's shoulder, marking him. Sirius cried out. They lost themselves in motion and friction, moaning and crying out increasingly louder. With a final "Oh, my God, Paddy!" and a "Fuck, Moony!" they reached their climax simultaneously. Both boys felt a powerful discharge of magic around them as they did. The candles flickered and several of them went out.

"Wow," said Remus, looking debauched™.

"Incredible!" exclaimed Sirius breathlessly as he collapsed on top of his slender boyfriend.

"You're incredible," Remus replied softly. Tears of joy were running down his cheek. They were mated now, forever.

Sirius raised his head and kissed Remus. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

And they lived happily ever after.


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This is a slightly altered version. It's nothing crucial but the sex scene was a tiny bit too juicy. The original can be found at my livejournal but the changes are really minimal.