A/N: Well, I'm writing a pairing I specifically vowed I would never, ever, ever write...yes, Sirius/Remus. Crazy times. Enjoy!
Warning: This story is SLASH. As in, male/male. Two guys. Also...it's rather smutty at parts, and it gets graphic. You've been warned, so if you don't like it, don't read it and don't leave reviews saying how gross it is. That's just annoying.
Disclaimer: JKR is the genius who owns the Marauders, not I.
Remus Lupin watched the graceful boy sitting a few feet away, smiling almost bitterly as his friend laughed heartily, his head thrown back slightly, the warm October sun setting behind him, making it look as though it was him and not the sun that was radiating so brightly, his black hair gleaming in the light. Remus sighed softly, admitting there was no way to truthfully deny it – Sirius was beautiful.
He quickly shook away the thought, forcing his gaze over to James. Ah, James was a safe haven, it seemed – Lupin had never, nor would he ever, have any sort of romantic feelings towards the scrawny, playful, messy-haired Potter. James was someone he could stand to think about without hating himself, without having to tell himself that some things are not meant to be. James didn't cause that far from unpleasant yet extremely uncomfortable feeling in his stomach every time he saw him. In short, James wasn't the one he was so awkwardly in love with.
"Hey, Moony," came that silky, perfect voice from beside him, "you're awfully quiet today. What's up?"
"Oh," said Remus quickly, "oh, I'm fine. Tired, though – I stayed up 'til 2 writing your History of Magic essay."
A glint of guilt passed through Sirius's near-black eyes. "You didn't have to do that, Rem," he said sincerely before the corners of his lips twisted up ever so slightly. "I mean, I could have always just copied your's."
Remus grinned, shaking his head. "Even Binns can notice two essays that are exactly the same, Sirius," he said, handing him the essay he had already enchanted to match Black's handwriting.
The bigger boy sighed in extreme gratitude. "I'd die without you, Moony," he professed, adding wild dramatics to his statement as he flung himself at the young werewolf's feet.
Remus was blushing profusely as he prodded the other boy with his foot. "Get up, you idiot," he laughed. "You wouldn't die – you may fail History of Magic, but you wouldn't die."
Peter was sulking as he listened to the conversation. "Why don't you ever just volunteer to do my essays, Moony?" he whined.
"You never ask me," said Remus, looking away. "I only did it because Sirius was overloaded with homework and he didn't have time to finish it."
"And besides," added James, scowling at the pudgy boy, "Moony isn't our personal homework helper, and you shouldn't blatantly try to use him like that. Speaking of which," he continued, turning to Remus, "did you get the homework for Slughorn done?"
Rolling his eyes, Lupin reached in his bag and retrieved the said problems, tossing them to James with a reproachful look. "You're too smart to always go around copying other people's work, you know, Prongs."
"Meaning I'm not?" asked Sirius in mock-offense, waving the essay in Remus' face.
"No, no, of course you are," he said quickly, his eyes wide. "You just...you..."
You haunt my every dream. You're all I can ever think about. It's a torture being around you but even more of one being away from you. You're absolutely perfect in every way. You look at me with those beautiful eyes and I can't help but wanting to give you anything and everything that could possibly make you happy. You make me fall in love with you.
"You, er, just seemed more behind on homework than usual, I suppose," he end lamely. "I mean...I just wanted to help out."
Sirius was surveying him with a small frown for a second before smiling and putting his hands bracingly on his friend's shoulder in comradery. "You're a good man, Moony," he said as their eyes met, Sirius's eyes boring into his own with a strange curiosity. "And a good friend."
James sighed heartily as the fire blazed before them in the common room. "Merlin, I'm tired," he said heavily, standing up. "I'm going to bed...see you boys in the morning."
"Night," Peter said, half-asleep on the chair.
"Wait," Sirius said quickly, looking around him as James turned from the staircase to look at him. "Have you seen Remus anywhere? Because come to think of it, I haven't seen him since dinner."
James shrugged. "He asked to borrow the cloak. Said he needed to be alone for a little while or something...he didn't seem too upset or anything, just sort of pensive, I guess." James was looking at the other, confused at Sirus's concern. "Don't worry 'bout him, Padfoot," he yawned, "he's probably just tired or stressed or something."
Sirius nodded. "It's still not like him, though," he mused as James headed back into the dormitory. Looking at Peter and seeing to his relief that the boy was asleep, he quietly crept through the portrait hole, the infamous map in hand.
"Remus, it's bloody cold up here."
The boy spun around at the unexpected voice, staring at Sirius with almost fear in his eyes. "Sirius...how did you find me?" he asked dubiously.
The Animagus held up the map as an obvious explanation. "You helped make this map, mate," he replied, laughing softly, "surely you can remember that?"
Remus nodded shakily. "You startled me is all," he murmured, blushing. "What do you need?"
"I need you to come inside, Moony. It's after midnight...I don't like you wandering off like that, it worried me."
Remus wasn't meeting his gaze. "Why should you worry?" he asked softly.
"You're different lately," he replied uncertainly. "You're just...more quiet, more reserved than ever...and especially around me. What the hell's up with that?"
Remus wouldn't meet his gaze until Sirius spoke again, very softly. "You're lonely, aren't you, Rem?" he asked gently as the werewolf continued to look away. "Well, there's this really cute Ravenclaw girl I almost dated, but she wasn't really my type..."
"I don't want a girlfriend, Sirius," he replied, a biting edge in his tone.
"All right, all right...just trying to help. What do you want, then?"
"I...I want to go inside and pretend we didn't have this conversation," he replied uncertainly. Sirius followed him into the corridor, struggling to keep up with the pace the smaller boy had set before he abruptly stopped, looking at Sirius for a long moment, the emotional struggle obvious in his honey brown eyes as he leaned forward and brushed his lips softly against the other boy.
He pulled away immediately, repulsed by what he'd done, not wanting to see the disgust that was doubtlessly waiting for him in his friend's eyes. He was silently waiting for the aftermath, for the slap across the face or the yelling or the sneering insults, expecting it all completely to come any minute.
He was not at all expecting the soft, experienced lips of Sirius Black to find his again, for those big, warm hands to rest on his hips as he pulled him closer. He wasn't expecting him to take his lower lip in his mouth and gently nibble at it perfectly, to open the kiss and let his tongue explore the caverns of Remus's submissive mouth, to push the smaller boy fairly gently against the stone wall, pinning him there. He wasn't expecting those lips to plant small, whispering kisses on his jaw so tenderly.
"Sirius," said Remus breathlessly, trying to get the other boy's attention. Black looked up at him expectantly for a moment.
"What is it?" he asked in a low growl. "Don't you," his lips trailed their way to Lupin's earlobe, which he nibbled softly, his breath hot against the other boy's ear and neck, "want this?"
Remus's eyes fluttered shut as he let himself lean back into the wall. "Of course I do," he hissed. "But...do you?"
Sirius's expression flickered in uncertainty for the first time Remus had ever seen. "Yes," he replied hesitantly.
Lupin just nodded, then looked around at the deserted corridor. "Sirius...isn't there somewhere we could...we could go?"
Sirius nodded, taking his hand and leaving him quickly through the castle until the door of the Room of Requirement appeared. Opening the door with a gentlemanly air, Sirius watched Remus enter the room, lust radiating from the werewolf's usually-peaceful light brown eyes.
The bed was all satin and velvet and red and black lace, and candles were scattered across the room. The intoxicating scent of roses and something else indescribably beautiful lingered in the air, making Remus's head spin a little.
Sirius closed the door quietly, wrapping his arms protectively around the smaller boy from behind as he buried his head in the crook of the other boy's neck, nuzzling him gently before letting his hands begin to move deftly over Lupin's chest and side, tugging at his sweater and pulling it quickly over his head. Remus turned around still entwined in his arms, capturing the other boy's lips in a much more fiery and passionate kiss than Sirius would have thought possible. It was strange, really – Sirius had always been under the impression that Remus never got much sexually, but judging by the adeptness and confidence in the kiss, he began to wonder if the assumption had been wrong.
Remus's tongue was pressing almost urgently at Sirius's closed mouth, and he found himself becoming submissive to his friend in surprise, hardly able to belief that this was indeed the usually-so-shy bookworm he knew and loved. A quick, unexpected flick of the boy's tongue and Sirius found himself moaning, his knees feeling shaky as Remus led him backwards, their mouths never parting.
Sirius found himself thrown down on the bed, and with a wolfish grin, Remus swiftly straddled him, beginning to rid the dark-haired boy of his shirt. He sat back and admired the tanned, well-toned chest and stomach, the muscles developed from five years as Gryffindor's star Chaser very obvious. Lupin gently ran a solitary finger down his chest before lowering himself down to let his mouth follow the lead.
"God, Remus," breathed Sirius as the pale boy nipped at a particularly sensitive patch of skin, "where did you learn that?"
Remus looked up at him with a flushed face, that same wolf-like smirk on his face. "Animal instincts," he purred against the boy's skin, sending shivers down Sirius's spine as the hot breath caressed his chest.
Sirius stared up at the boy for a moment, still not quite able to believe that this was the same goody-goody Lupin he always knew. Remus noticed the other boy's staring and looked down at him, panting slightly. Sirius quickly took the opportunity and flipped the smaller boy beneath him, immediately ridding him of his shirt and vest and letting his hands rest on the waistband of his trousers, looking at Lupin questioningly. "Can I..."
Remus just nodded, his hands trailing down the other boy's chest as Sirius shakingly unzipped the pants and pulled them off, leaving him in only his boxers, and Remus quickly helped Sirius out of his own. Remus arched his back, bringing his hips to meet Sirius's, the friction causing them both to moan loudly. Their lips met crushingly, a desperate battle for dominance that neither lost and both seemed to win, almost able to feel each other's pounding hearts as they closed any small bit of space between them.
Sirius pushed away roughly, gasping for air. With one long finger, he gently traced the small dusting of light brown hair that lead downward from his navel, slowly slipping one hand in the boy's boxers while caressing his inner thigh with the other.
Remus's breathing was completely erratic, and his sharp intake of breath quickly transformed into a moan as Sirius slowly began to stroke him, feeling himself quiver with anticipation. He arched into the other's touch, pushing his head back into the pillow as his fingers dug into Sirius's shoulders and back. Both boys' boxers soon joined the rest of the clothes on the floor as Remus breathed, "Sirius, I...I...can't...I need...soon..."
Sirius nodded, asking softly, "Ready?" Remus nodded quickly in reply, and Sirius gently slipped a thin finger in his tight opening, followed by another, moving them around experimentally, causing Remus to let out a small shriek as he prodded.
He gently removed the fingers, claiming Remus's mouth once more before he slowly thrust into the boy. He bit his lip in pain and pleasure as his lover continued to increase the pace, taking Remus in his hand and pumping to the same rhythm, an overwhelming bliss taking hold of the smaller boy as he called out Sirius's name, finally letting himself go as Sirius came inside him.
Sirius pulled out from the smaller boy before collapsing beside him on the bed, panting and spent. Remus quietly curled up with his head resting on Sirius's chest, feeling sleep begin to take over him for a few moments before the dark haired boy made to get up, trying to find his clothes.
Remus sat up, watching the other boy, disconcerted. "Where are you going?" he questioned softly.
"Back to the dormitory," he replied matter-of-factly, about to pull on his boxers. "James and Pete'll wonder where we went."
"They're already asleep," Remus replied quietly.
"Yeah, it's late," he said distractedly, not making eye contact with the young werewolf.
"Will you stay?"
Sirius looked into the light brown, almost amber eyes of the boy who was staring at him with such a desperate, pleading look, and he couldn't help but feel guilty as his heart melted. "I...if you want to, sure, we'll stay," he answered awkwardly, muttering a quick cleaning spell on the sheets before climbing back in bed and pulling the satin blankets over them, his arms laced around the boy, who looked so young and childlike in his embrace.
"Sirius?" came the quiet, gentle voice again, his eyes closed and obviously close to sleep.
"I love you."
Sirius felt himself tense up, staring down at the boy who nestled closer to him, almost asleep, a sweet, contented smile on his face. Of course. Of course Moony, Remus Lupin, the hopeless romantic would automatically think that just because they had...that it was love...
Overwhelming guilt swept over him, guilt like he had never before felt in the past two years of being know as Hogwarts' biggest player...he sadly kissed his friend's forehead, wondering what exactly he had done.
Remus stirred in his mid-way state of consciousness and unconsciousness, breathing in deeply to take in that beautiful scent that was entirely Sirius. For a few moments, he wondered vaguely where he was, why he was naked, and where had the satin sheets come from until memories of the previous night flooded his mind, a blush-worthy thought.
He sat up slowly, opening his eyes and looking around for a moment, feeling a sense of panic when he saw the pillow with the distinct indention of Sirius's head and the empty bed, desperately searching for a note or anything, anything to cure the overwhelming emptiness that seemed to be everywhere in the room. He bit his lip, feeling helpless as he accepted that Sirius had gone without so much as a kiss goodbye, without so much as a note.
He angrily wiped down the single tear running down his face. He would not cry. He couldn't. If it didn't mean any more than this to Sirius, it couldn't mean this much to him, either.
Sirius sat by the lake, staring out at the reflection of the grey sky and the almost-rising sun on the water's smooth surface, quiet and pensive. God, he didn't even know what he had been thinking last night – of course, when did he ever think in situations like that?
But sleeping with one of his best friends? That was just completely inexcusable, and he knew it full well. And Remus...Remus was so sweet, so trusting, so...Remus had wanted him for himself, not because he was simply horny, not because he was stressed out and wanted to relax for a while, not because the dark-haired boy was insanely popular and he hoped to scale the social ladder – Remus had wanted Sirius Black for Sirius Black's sake, and that was not something he was used to.
He picked up a rock and threw it towards the water in the frustration, attempting to make it skip and watching it simply sink unsuccessfully. He sighed, standing up, knowing that everyone would be waking up soon, and began taking a walk around the grounds before breakfast.
"Can we talk?" came the soft question.
Sirius's eyes fluttered shut at the words he had hoped to avoid. "Sure, Moony," he agreed, attempting to sound casual."Where've you been all day, anyway? We could have talked earlier, you know..."
Remus blushing, his eyes searching for a place to rest that was far away from the dark brown eyes staring at him. "I...I had a headache," he invented lamely.
"No you didn't," Sirius sighed. "You didn't want to see me."
"Well...yeah," he muttered uncomfortably. "Can you blame me?"
"Not really," Sirius admitted softly. "So..."
"I just...want to know...what about last night?"
He had been fully expecting the question, letting a mask of indifference cloud his face. "What about it?"
"Well...I just thought that..."
"Look, Moony," he interrupted, looking at him with those hard blackish eyes, "it was fun, okay? And honestly, it was some of the best sex I've had in a long time."
Remus nodded, biting his lip. "So...that's all it was?" he asked tentatively.
Sirius looked taken aback at the concept...of course that's all it was. That's all it ever was...right? "Well...yeah."
"All right," replied the smaller boy softly with the faint traces of a disappointed smile before looking Sirius straight in the eye for the first time. "How many, Sirius?"
"How many have you taken to the Room of Requirement before me?"
"Well, I...that's not fair, Moony..."
He sighed in resignation. "About four," he muttered, looking down.
He nodded, not looking surprised. "Well...bye, then."
"Rem, wait..." he started, the mousy-haired boy was already long gone.
Sirius wandered into the Gryffindor common room a little past midnight, still caught up in thought and sighed in contentment that the room seemed to be empty. He threw himself on the couch wearily, closing his eyes and letting himself fall asleep...
"So, you've come back," came a voice from the armchair before the fire.
Sirius looked up as James stood, walking over to him with a look of near-anger on his face. "Uh, Prongs, how are you?" he asked feebly.
"Shut the hell up and listen, Sirius," James said with a fiery look of absolute wrath in his eyes. "You know, you're a foul little git, and you've broken plenty of hearts in the last few years. But may God damn me, Sirius, if I do not kill you if you ever lay a hand on Remus again."
"James, come on...it's not like it's..."
"Yes, Sirius, it is a fucking big deal, and don't try to tell yourself otherwise! God, Padfoot..." he shook his head in desperate anger. "I've never seen him like that before, ever. He came in and ran straight to the room and hasn't stopped sobbing since then."
Sirius gulped. "And he...he told you what happened?"
James was glaring at him. "No, Sirius, he didn't say anything against you at all. He refused to tell me or Peter anything that happened...all he would say is, 'Don't tell Sirius, I'm fine...'" He shook his head, looking at the guilty expression on the boy's face. "I have common to advanced personal intelligence, Sirius...with don't tell Sirius and neither of you coming back last night after you went to look for him, it wasn't exactly too hard to figure out. How could you?"
"I don't know," Sirius replied wretchedly. "I never wanted it to be like this, I didn't want to hurt him...god, of course not...you know I wouldn't do that to Moony...I just didn't think..."
"That's obvious," he said bitterly.
"But after we'd...well...yeah, he told me he loved me, and I didn't know what to do or say to that, and he just seemed so innocent there, sleeping in my arms, and I just...I couldn't do it, I thought I'd just be hurting him more, but I..." He stopped, his anger towards himself overcoming him.
"He told you he loved you?" James asked softly, and Sirius nodded his head. "Do you?"
"Do I what?" he asked blankly.
"Do you love him back?"
"Of course I...well...I don't know, James...it just happened, you know? I was just going with it, and then..." he sighed. "I don't know."
"Of course you don't."
Sirius's gaze was drawn to the boys' staircase. "Can I see him?" he asked softly.
"Maybe," he said slowly, not quite sure. "Why?"
"I...I need to apologize."
With a nod from his best friend, Sirius sprinted upstairs and opened the door, seeing Wormtail sitting on Remus's bed and gently stroking his back in an attempt to comforting the thin boy, who was lying on his bed with his face buried in his pillow, his shoulders shaking.
Motioning for Peter to leave the room, Sirius slowly sat beside the boy on the bed, wishing he could do something, anything to stop the pain he had caused in this beautiful boy. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, pulling the sobbing boy onto his lap and embracing him desperately. "God, Remus," he said, choking, tears beginning to run freely down his own face. "I'm so sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you at all, I just...I was totally unfair to you, and I hate myself for it, I just...I don't know what I can possibly do to make it up to you...I just...when you told me that you loved me, I didn't know what to do, because I've never had anyone tell me that and mean it before and I just...I panicked, okay? I just...you're all I can think about now, Remus, just how sweet and innocent you seemed when you fell asleep there and I just...I wish..." He sighed, biting his lip as he felt the boy's tears on his neck and shoulder. "I love you too, Remus," he whispered, stroking the young werewolf's hair with utmost gentleness. "I love you, and it terrifies me."
Remus looked up into his eyes, emotions swimming among the tears in his own. "And you won't change your mind tomorrow?" he asked quietly, trying to calm his crying.
"I promise I won't," he said, kissing the boy's forehead reverently.
Remus nodded tiredly, a small smile on his face. "Will you stay with me?" he asked again softly. "Stay here and be here in the morning?"
He nodded, laying down with the smaller boy in his arms, kissing his cheek lightly. "I'll be here in the morning," he vowed.
Remus nodded contentedly. "I don't know why I'm trusting you again," he said softly.
"I don't deserve your trust," he replied, "but I'll try to earn it back, all right?"
A true smile spread over the face of the fair boy. "You can in the morning," he said. "Just hold me tonight, all right?"
Sirius nodded, wiping the remaining tears away from the boy's soft cheek. "I will," he replied softly.
Remus kissed him softly and let his head rest once again on Sirius's warm, strong chest. The dark haired boy sighed in contentment, wondering how exactly his world had changed so completely and so quickly. He decided to think about it in the morning, enjoying the beautiful sensation of falling asleep with Remus's hand over his heart, their breath becoming one.
Fin! Hope you all enjoyed...please review? Please?