Author's Note: I hate m-preg. So I wrote this. ... Yeah. My mind works in mysterious ways. Chapter one of five.
It wasn't a scream, really. Naruto's voice had deepened too much after hitting puberty for it to be that. More like a howl of rage, if you wanted to be completely accurate. "What do you mean, pregnant?"
Tsunade sighed. "Exactly what I said. I'm not going to repeat myself."
Naruto's mouth opened. Closed. Opened again. Sakura, standing by the door, wasn't really handling it much better (after all, she had been the one to originally suggest Naruto come in to get something to help clear up his urinary infection, and look where that had led), but after four years of medical training her recovery time from such unexpected surprises was faster than her teammate's. "Um, Tsunade-sama… Naruto's a guy."
Tsunade rolled her eyes and started putting away her instruments. "Yes, I know that, Sakura."
Sakura blinked. She was beginning to think that something crucial had been overlooked during her years under the Godaime's tutelage. "Do men… usually get pregnant, Tsunade-sama?"
Tsunade stared at her. "Sakura, I've trained you for four years. We covered pregnancy two years ago. Did I at any point mention that men can get pregnant?"
Sakura shook her head. Then she thought about it. "Wait… so if men can't get pregnant, how did Naruto…"
Tsunade sighed again and ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know yet." She turned to Naruto, who was staring blankly at the wall, still apparently in shock. His eyes only refocused after Tsunade snapped her fingers in his face a few times.
Then he started to babble again. "But… I… but… pregnant?"
Tsunade nodded. "Yes, Naruto. Now, this isn't exactly a usual case," understatement of the year, but no need to unduly alarm him, "So I need to ask you a few questions to determine how… your condition came about."
Presented with the possibility of solving this unexpected dilemma, Naruto nodded back resolutely. "Alright. Fire away, Granny!"
At that, Tsunade walked over to her desk and pulled a clipboard and pen out of one of its many drawers. "First question: Is the Kyuubi female?"
Naruto stared at her. "What? No! His voice is all deep and creepy and shit when I talk to him. Besides that, his balls are-"
"Naruto! We don't need to know that!"
Tsunade scribbled something on the clipboard. "Guess that rules out this being the demon's kid, then. Okay, second question: Have you been engaging in any particularly kinky sex with the Uchiha lately? Such as… I don't know, letting him fuck you while you were using your sexy no jutsu?"
Naruto abruptly started choking. In the end, it was Sakura who cleared her throat and said softly, "Um, Tsunade-sama, the sexy no jutsu is just a variation on henge. I don't think it'd result in Naruto getting pregnant."
After coughing up half a lung, Naruto nodded vigorously. "Yeah, that's right, Granny! Besides, we never do anything like that! If guys could get pregnant, it'd be Sasuke full of baby right now, not me. He's the one who always takes it up the ass!"
Now it was Tsunade and Sakura who were staring. In the end, the only option either of them could see before them that would end with both of them being sane was ignoring the fact that Naruto had ever opened his mouth, Tsunade muttering under her breath about that option leading no where too and Sakura covering her face with her hands and trying to think of unicorns.
A few more questions were asked, involving the possibility of this being a mass genjutsu placed on them for some nefarious purpose (rejected as too stupid to contemplate, though Naruto pointed out that this whole situation was stupid) and just maybe Naruto being a girl in disguise all these years (also rejected, Sakura having seen him naked on one unfortunate beach vacation after his bathing suit fell off while body surfing).
It was then that Naruto had to rush off to pee, and Tsunade put away her clipboard with a resigned shake of her head. "I have no idea, Sakura."
Sakura nodded understandingly. "I know. I don't have any idea either." Then she sighed. "I just don't know how we're going to break this to Sasuke-kun and Kakashi-sensei."
It turned out to be easier than anticipated. It was, after all, the day of their monthly Team Seven non-business get-together, and therefore they didn't need to actually go looking for their third and former teacher. It also helped that Naruto had no modesty to speak of, and the first thing he said after the two other members of Team Seven sat down at the regular restaurant to order dinner was, "I'm pregnant."
At that, Kakashi ordered some beef yakisoba. Sasuke, who had returned to Konoha (willingly, as it happened) six months ago due to the strange combination of the healing powers of a great deal of sex and Itachi falling down a well, choked while trying to swallow some water and ended up getting their table wet. Sakura ended up ordering for him, as the Uchiha was still sputtering five minutes later. "What… how…"
"Don't know," Naruto stated matter-of-factly, and dug into his ramen. It was with his mouth still full that he mumbled, "But the worst part is that Tsunade no baa-chan says I can't do anything but D-rank missions until the kid pops out. Too dangerous or something. The next couple of months are going to be boring as hell."
"Not pops out," Sakura corrected. "More like evicted against its will. You don't have a vagina, so we'll have to do a C-section."
Naruto blinked. "What's that?"
"We cut open your stomach, pull the baby out, and sew you back up."
Naruto stared at her, looking slightly disbelieving. It was in usual Naruto fashion that he processed it, accepted it, and went back to his ramen.
Sasuke thought about this, though he avoided examining the part about the C-section too much. "Is it mine?"
Naruto shrugged. Sakura, as the only reigning medical expert at the table, gave it some thought. "Well, statistically speaking, there is about a .01 percent chance of it being yours, a .001 chance of it being someone else's, and a 99.989 percent chance of it being just a clone of Naruto."
Kakashi, who hadn't shown much of reaction up until then, looked at Sakura over the top of his steaming yakisoba curiously. "And where are you getting these statistics, Sakura?"
"Made them up on the spot."
Kakashi nodded in understanding. "Ah."
There was a glum silence at the table. Sakura, also the reigning expert on being optimistic now that Naruto's mouth was otherwise occupied (he was already on his second bowl of ramen), smiled cheerily. "Well, we already went through several options with Tsunade-sama, but that doesn't mean we can't do some brainstorming ourselves. Tsunade-sama estimated that Naruto is about three weeks pregnant, so we just have to think of something weird that might have happened three weeks ago."
A thoughtful silence came over the small gathering. Sasuke, who was feeling a bit glum that his hopes of resurrecting the Uchiha Clan- while still managing to have absolutely no sexual contact with a woman whatsoever- had been so cruelly dashed (sort of), brooded for the first few minutes of the brainstorming and wasn't much help. In the end it was Naruto who started running through their old itinerary. "Well, we were on that mission to Tea Country… um…"
"There were those few minutes that you were separated from the rest of us," Sakura added helpfully. "Did anything strange happen then?"
Naruto thought about it. "Well… my opponent did try to use a jutsu on me, but it didn't seem to work and I took him down like two seconds later so…"
That sounded promising. Sasuke, who suddenly felt invested in this, asked, "What was the jutsu?"
Naruto shrugged. "Didn't hear the name of the jutsu, but afterwards he did this lame laugh and screamed like a little girl, 'Now you are cursed to suffer as no man has ever suffered before! The one closest to you will be the cause of your suffering, and it will last for three seasons and maybe a little more if you're unlucky! Ahahahaha!' and then some other shit, but after that he ran into an explosion note trap I'd set up earlier and nothing happened, so I kind of forgot about it."
Now there were three people staring at him. By mutual (and silent) consensus it was Sakura as the closest who reached over and slapped Naruto upside the head. "You idiot, the jutsu that guy used on you must have made you pregnant! 'Now you are cursed to suffer as no man has ever suffered before,' yeah, but that just means you're going to suffer like a woman!"
Naruto stared at the ceiling and thought about it. Then he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, guess you're right. But I wonder what that stuff about 'the one closest to me' was about?"
Sasuke smiled slowly. "Well, as your teammate and lover obviously he was referring to me. Guess you are holding the heir to the Uchiha Clan inside you after all."
Sakura shook her head. "I don't think so, Sasuke-kun. 'Now you are cursed to suffer as no man has ever suffered before' was meant literally. I think the second part has to be literal too."
More silence overcame them. Kakashi, who had finished off his yakisoba while no one had been looking, yawned. "This is very interesting, but I have to get going. I have another mission in the morning and-"
It was then that Sakura slammed her fist on the table in triumph. The table cracked neatly in half, though everyone ignored the phenomenon. It had, after all, already happened five times in the past month. "I've got it! 'The one closest to you' has to be the one closest to you physically! Naruto, who touched you first after that fight?"
Naruto stared at the ceiling some more in thought. "Well… you screamed at me a bit about wandering off and Sasuke called me a moron, then Kakashi-sensei slapped me upside the head like you just did, Sakura-chan, then-" He froze. So did everyone else.
As one, they all turned to stare at Kakashi. Kakashi stared back. "Um…"
Sasuke's face twitched into a scowl. "You've got to be kidding me."
Naruto's eye twitched. "Sakura-chan, you're telling me that I'm pregnant with Kakashi-sensei's kid?"
Sakura shook her head slowly, but this time it was more in denial of what she knew to be true instead of 'no.' "I… I think we should go talk to Tsunade-sama about this."
Kakashi nodded agreeably in the fashion of a man who was volunteering someone else to go out into the minefield. "Yeah, you do that, but I really have to go."
It was with unusual poise and precision that Naruto reached out with his foot and hooked his former teacher's ankles, sending him crashing towards the floor. He then grabbed Kakashi by his chuunin vest and hauled him to his knees. "You fathered my kid, you're coming to my fucking doctor's appointment."
Kakashi thought about it. Saw the glint of red in Naruto's eyes. Made a decision. "Of course I will. Just as soon as you let go of my vest."
Naruto let go of Kakashi's vest. Then he went to the bathroom to pee for the twenty-seventh time that day.
Tsunade was, as usual, doing paperwork. However, despite the fact that they were interrupting, she didn't seem to mind at all. Seemed positively gleeful, in fact, and kept muttering something about dropping matches accidentally on her desk and 'forgetting' to put them out.
However, she quickly got down to business. "There isn't any way to tell at this point if Kakashi is the father, but by the sound of it he is the most likely option." She laced her fingers together in what Sakura had come to recognize as her teacher's 'let's figure this shit out so I can go back to drinking while pretending to do work' pose. "Now that we've located the other parent, I think it's time we sorted out this kid's future."
Naruto and Sakura nodded resolutely. Sasuke was too busy staring at the floor in despair (for good reason, for once. His lover, after all, had just gotten pregnant with someone else's child) to pay attention, and Kakashi was otherwise occupied, wondering as he was how after years of getting drunk and falling into random peoples' beds, it had in the end taken slapping his male student upside the head once to find himself saddled with an unwanted brat.
Tsunade raised a finger. "First of all, Naruto is only seventeen. By shinobi laws that makes him an adult, but I still don't think that an unmarried teenager makes the best choice for raising a child."
Sasuke scowled at her. "If that's the only problem, I'll marry Naruto and claim the child as my own."
Naruto nodded in agreement. "Yeah!" Then he thought about it. "Wait, what?"
Tsunade sighed. "Noble, Sasuke, but you and Naruto have only been involved for six months. Besides that, statistics show that teenagers that marry solely to make sure their child isn't a bastard are ten times more likely to be unhappy and divorce within five years."
Sasuke looked at her skeptically. "Where are you getting those statistics?"
Tsunade shrugged. "Made them up on the spot, but they're accurate as far as it goes. It's never smart to marry for external reasons instead of just because you want to. Besides that, teenagers rarely make good parents."
Naruto's scowl, if anything, looked more petulant than his teammate's. "You telling me I can't raise my own kid?"
Tsunade stared at him. "Naruto, imagine if you will, diapers. Thousands of them. All filled to the brim with feces."
Sakura sighed. "It's crap, Naruto."
"Oh. Okay then. Now what?"
Tsunade steepled her fingers. "Now imagine, if you will, dealing with those thousands of diapers for the next two years."
"Um… I could handle that."
"Also getting up at three in the morning to stop a kid crying, only to have no idea what's wrong with it. For the next two years."
"I don't have to sleep that much."
"Imagine not going on missions for the next six years, until your kid enters the academy."
At that, Naruto paled slightly, but he swallowed anyway and said resolutely, "No problem."
"Now imagine not having sex for the next six years, because you can't work and Sasuke has to be on missions all the time just to support you and pay for the child, since all his assets were confiscated when he defected to Orochimaru. You will never see him, and chances are he will leave you," Sasuke bristled at this, "and then you will have to give the child up anyway, because without any money you will be evicted from your apartment and not be able to pay for food, and be judged unworthy by child welfare to have anything to do with your child. Then you will never see it again. Ever."
Naruto's eyes widened, then turned down towards the floor. When he spoke next, his words were hushed. "Even if I do give the kid up, no one's going to want it, Granny. Not with me being a demon and it being a bastard and shit."
At that, Tsunade relented. "I've only done some preliminary checks, so I can't be sure, but I believe that your child will be one hundred percent human. The Kyuubi is attached to your chakra, not your DNA, so none of its characteristics can be passed on." Then Tsunade grinned. "Besides that, I already have the perfect couple in mind to take care of your child." It was then she turned to Kakashi. Her grin now had a distinctly evil edge. "Kakashi. You've been living with Gai for the past five years, haven't you?"
Kakashi hadn't been paying the least attention to anything that had been said over the past half an hour, but the tone of the Godaime Hokage's voice instantly alerted him that he was very possibly in deep shit. So it was with the utmost caution that he replied, "Yes. He moved in with me after the Sound/Sand invasion when his apartment was destroyed. So?"
"So you've been in a stable relationship with him all that time?"
Kakashi's one visible eye widened as he suddenly realized where this was going. "Now wait a second, just because we're living together doesn't mean we're involved."
Tsunade nodded thoughtfully at this. "That is true. I might even believe it if Sakura hadn't told me she saw you two making out in the forest last year while she was out collecting herbs for me."
Kakashi turned to stare at his female student, who just shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei, but I was traumatized. I had to tell somebody about it."
It was now Kakashi's two male students who were staring at him. In the end it was Naruto who sputtered out, "Kakashi-sensei… and fuzzy eyebrows-sensei… doing each other?"
Sasuke was shaking his head slowly. "The worst part is… is that I can see it. And it burns."
Kakashi threw his hands up in the air. "Alright, that's enough. I get it. Stop it."
Naruto was still sputtering. "Such big eyebrows… almost… alive. Kakashi-sensei… why… why?"
Even though it theoretically wasn't possible to leer with only one-fourth of one's face visible, somehow Kakashi managed to pull it off. "Three words: Perfect. Muscle. Control."
Naruto turned green. Then he rushed off down the hall. Kakashi watched him go, looking puzzled. "I didn't think it was bad enough that he'd need to puke about it."
Sakura sighed. "It's not that, Kakashi-sensei. Naruto just needs to pee again. It's been almost an hour since he last went."
Tsunade was rubbing her face tiredly. "If we're quite done with that… Kakashi, you really are the ideal choice to take care of the child. Not only are you one of the biological parents, you are of mature age and in a teaching position, as you are taking on another genin team in the fall, so you are in relatively little danger of dying before your child is old enough to attend the academy."
Kakashi frowned. "I don't remember agreeing to teach another passel of brats."
Tsunade gave him a pointed look. "I know you didn't."
There was a split-second of incomprehension before Kakashi nodded in understanding. "Ah."
"Furthermore," Tsunade continued, "You are in a stable relationship with another person, and children with two parents are much more likely to turn out to be productive members of the community- a.k.a. not turn missing-nin- than a child with only one parent."
"Maybe so," Kakashi conceded, "But you're forgetting something."
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "And that would be?"
"Gai. You think he's going to take it well if I told him that I got another guy pregnant and that we have to adopt the kid? I mean, really. It's a bit of a shocker, isn't it?"
The answer turned out to be yes on both counts. Yes, it was a shocker (Gai nearly fainted when he first heard it), and yes, he took it well. Exceedingly well, really. Considering it was nearly one o'clock in the morning when they (they being Tsunade and the whole of Team Seven, as Naruto had returned from the bathroom by then) finally made it over to Kakashi and Gai's apartment and that they had woken the taijutsu user up in the middle of his REM cycle, it was more like inhumanly well.
Most men, for instance, wouldn't hug (in a manly fashion, mind you) the person their lover had just knocked up, then kiss them on top of the head and tell them they would treat the child as their own. Most men wouldn't then do a little dance with their lover (somewhat involuntarily on Kakashi's part, but despite having just woken up Gai was a lot more alert than Kakashi was and had no problem manhandling the copy-nin into doing a little jig) and start babbling about baby formula.
Most men's protégés, who was staying the night on the couch after a long day of training and who had just found out his mentor's lover had gotten another man pregnant, wouldn't finally awaken at that moment and volunteer to baby-sit on a regular basis. Most men and their protégés wouldn't then hug and somehow manage to make the sun rise behind them dramatically, despite it being one o'clock in the morning.
"You know," Sakura said conversationally as she watched Gai wonder what time the library opened so he could check out baby care books and in the same breath tell Naruto he was going to be his birthing coach and he wouldn't take no for an answer, "I heard somewhere that the reason two men weren't fit to raise a child is that it'd grow up emotionally stunted, but somehow… I kind of doubt that's going to be much of an issue."
Sasuke was too busy checking out the musculature on Gai's bare back (who habitually slept only in pants) and thinking that maybe imagining his teacher and Gai in bed together wouldn't be such the nightmare he thought it would be to answer, but Kakashi nodded. "Never even occurred to me it'd be a problem, really." Then he sighed. "I wonder if this is how it always happens. One day you're childless and carefree, the next you're wondering how the hell you're going to fit a crib through the door of your apartment and where you're going to hide your porn once the kid gets old enough to go looking for it."
"Pretty much," said Tsunade absently as she observed Lee burst out crying and announce he always wanted to be an uncle and that he would be the best one ever or hop around Konoha two thousand times on one foot. "Though usually it's-"
"Fine, fuzzy eyebrows-sensei, you can have my kid, but I want it to be an open adoption. No way any Uzumaki will ever grow up not knowing the joys of ramen!"
"Very well, Naruto-kun. You may see your child as often as possible, and that is a promise, or I will throw myself on a katana!"
"Yay, Gai-sensei! You're the best!"
Much sparkles resulted.
Tsunade sighed. "Never mind. This is nothing like normal." She turned around. "I'm going to go drink myself into unconsciousness. See you later, Sakura."
Sakura blinked. "But Tsunade-sama, what about Naruto?"
"I'm appointing you his obstetrician." Tsunade gave a half-wave over one shoulder. "Good luck with that."
Sakura's protests didn't fall so much upon deaf ears as it did on ears too far away to hear anything, as Tsunade had made a shinobi-type exit as soon as she had left the apartment and was long gone, leaving Sakura with one hand stretched out and wondering what the hell she was supposed to do now.
Behind her, Kakashi was rubbing the back of his head and sighing. "I made it to thirty-one without a kid, and now… ah well. Could be worse, somehow."
Behind him, Naruto was asking Gai where the bathroom was, as he needed to pee again. Gai's instructions were enthusiastic enough that one could only hope they didn't wake up half the neighborhood.
"I don't know how things could be worse, but I'm sure they could be."
Beside him, Sasuke nodded. He was over the fact that Naruto wasn't going to give birth to the heir of the Uchiha Clan (sort of), and just then had resigned himself to nursing Naruto through another eight months or so of pregnancy, then finding out what jutsu the man had used to get the blond pregnant to begin with. With force, if necessary. He still had to resurrect his clan, after all. "You could have knocked Naruto up by actually having sex with him."
Kakashi blinked slowly. "I don't know about that. Having sex is the best part of the whole process, in my opinion. And Naruto's a good-looking young man. Wouldn't exactly be a hardship."
"But if you had, I'd have to kill you."
Kakashi thought about it. "Good point. It'd take me months to get the bloodstains out of my carpet."
Sasuke nodded smugly. "Yeah." Then he thought about it. "Wait. What?"
"Never mind, Sasuke. Never mind."