The proper care and feeding of John Winchester
Congratulations on your new acquisition! To ensure you gain maximum enjoyment from your John Winchester, please take a moment to read the following guidelines:
1. We recommend that you adjust to a low-sodium diet before taking delivery of your John Winchester as, once he is in residence, finding a grain of salt in your salt cellar will be but a distant memory. Note: do not be surprised if this causes your Sam Winchester to refer to you as a low-sodium freak.
2. Do not entrust your John Winchester with the grocery money, unless you're running low on ammo.
3. Should you misplace your John Winchester, try not to be too alarmed. Chances are he's just working overtime on a Miller Time shift.
4. Don't let him try to work your toaster. Apparently, he can't.
5. You may need to let your cleaner go, unless s/he is very understanding about not disturbing the lines of salt and cats-eye shells around your home.
6. Your John Winchester will benefit from an occasional shower. Do not let him tell you otherwise.
7. Invest in some blu-tak or fun-tak and encourage your John Winchester to use this when sticking his pictures to the walls. This may help to preserve your décor, even if you can no longer see it.
8. Do not be concerned if your Dean Winchester suffers from machete envy. He'll get over it. Or not.
9. Your John Winchester enjoys playing hide and seek. He can play it for weeks at a time without getting bored.
10. Give your John Winchester a journal to write in and he'll be happy for hours. Note: don't try to decipher his entries. Apart from the whole morally questionable thing about reading someone else's journal, writes like freaking Yoda he does.
11. Remember to be a responsible home-owner and think of your plumbing: check your water tank for rosaries on a regular basis.
12. Do not expect your John Winchester to answer the phone. His or yours.
13. Should your John Winchester's eyes turn yellow, under NO circumstances should you let him play with either your Dean Winchester or your Sam Winchester. Tie him to a bed and contact Winchesters-R-Us for immediate collection. Or, you know, fairly swift collection. Well, whenever you're ready…