The Daily Life of Voldie-kins
Summary: One Shot, You'd think Voldemort would spend every day torturing his Death Eaters and stuff along those lines. But really... making Severus and Lucius sing and dance to several songs is going a bit too far...
Note: Tom Riddle and the Fortune Telling Doll will be up when I finish typing it. Heehee.
WARNING: Completely OOC Voldy. The fic goes random somewhere around 7:45 AM.
Disclaimer: The day I own Harry Potter (or anything else copyrighted in this fic) is the day the lovely JK Rowling makes Snape poke out an eye with eyeliner, and I manage to hate anchovies…
Voldemort's Usual List of Things to Do
Listen to Nursery rhymes
Watch Lion King
Make fun of Wormtail
Find a good way to kill Harry Potter
Kill Harry Potter
Make minions dance the hula
Buy more milk
Buy some more bacon
Running out of Oreos - need to buy some more
Buy orange juice
Need more peanut butter, honey, jelly, and bread - Tell Lucius to buy more
Tuna. We need more tune.
Don't forget syrup.
Oh, and catnip.
And tell Wormtail to get me parchment made for shopping lists
Tuesday - 7:15 AM
Wormtail opened the door slowly, eyes trailing over to the sleeping form in the room.
"Master," he said softly. "it's time to start the day…" the man ducked as a vase was flung at his head. The vase hit the wall behind him, smashing into tiny pieces.
"I'll just come back later…" Wormtail managed to say. He left the doorway.
Later - 7:20 AM
"WORMTAIL!" came the loud booming voice of the Dark Lord. The short man hurried over to his master's room.
"Yes, Master?" he choked out. Voldemort glared at him.
"You were SUPPOSED to wake me up FIVE minutes ago!" he yelled.
"DON'T say you tried! I can tell you really didn't!"
Wormtail gaped, and looked to the ground.
"CRABBE!" Voldemort bellowed. A man wearing a pink frilly apron ran into the room.
"What the hell is THIS!" The Dark Lord held up what looked like a cross between a large maggot and an ear. "do you really expect me to eat THIS!" he flung it out the window, a loud squishing sound was heard.
"Th-that, Sir, was meant for the dog…"
"I…I'm sorry, Sir… Sir?"
"Screw this, I'm going out to find out life's wonders." Voldemort stoodm and snapped his fingers. "Wormtail! Come!"
It was silent.
"Do I even have a dog?"
"Where are we going today, Master?" Wormtail asked, waddling along side the Dark Lord.
"I wish to find out what a dying cow sounds like…"
"…all… right…?" Wormtail didn't dare question his master. But really. Why should the almighty Voldemort do something like this instead of plan to kill Harry Potter?
"…because I can't kill Harry Potter until the 7th book…" the Dark Lord answered, as if reading his servant's mind.
Before he knew it, Wormtail found themselves in a field. Full of cows. Voldemort held out his wand and cast a spell.
Wormtail covered his eyes.
Voldemort was laughing. Laughing. Dark Lords should not laugh. They laugh evilly. Or snicker. But never just laugh.
This wasn't normal.
Of course, nothing was ever normal in the wizarding world.
No one knew why Voldemort was laughing. Had he just looked in a mirror? Did Wormtail get attacked by a chicken? Was Severus jump roping? WHAT was going on?
"M-Master?" Wormtail's eyebrows rose worriedly. "are you al-all right?"
"Of course, I'm all right! I just discovered a strange world called the internet. And they have something called fan fiction!" The Dark Lord wiped spit off the computer screen. "they have the strangest pairings… I don't know how they know of the Death Eaters, but this is just hilarious!" he paused as a title caught his eye.
"The Daily Life of Voldie-kins…" he raised an eyebrow, and looked through most of the titles. "Harry's Worst Fear." he looked through more. "Tom Riddle and the Fortune Telling Doll."
There was a pause.
"Get Lucius and Severus in here…" Voldemort said as he clicked on The Daily Life title.
"You called for us, Master?" Lucius asked. Voldemort grinned to himself, scrolling through the story, quite surprised that he was looking through fan fiction in the story as well. He even read that his fan fiction self had read through the same thing… Strange. And very confusing.
"Yes, I have, actually." The Dark Lord sat back in his chair. "you two have heard some Muggle nursery rhymes right?"
"Yes, well, I want you two to dance to that little teapot one…" The two Death Eaters looked at each other uncertainly, and both gulped.
"I'm a little teapot--"
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts--"
"She makes a man want to speak Spanish--"
"It's a small world after all--"
"Girl, there's something about me that you oughta know--"
"Yes we have a suite life, most of the time--"
Voldemort finally stopped laughing, and wiped a tear from his eye. He had gotten bored of nursery rhymes, and made Severus and Lucius sing other songs.
Surprisingly enough, they knew them. Songs that shouldn't come out until the next century.
Very strange indeed.
"All right, all right… you two may go now…" the Dark Lord managed to squeak out before he burst out laughing once more.
Surprising that the guy hadn't died yet.
Any minute now.
Okay, he's done.
Voldemort had managed to fall out of his chair during the laugh attack.
He was insane, yes. But proud of it.
A knock came to the door.
"What is it?" the Dark Lord snapped angrily.
"Sir… would you like to eat? You missed lunch…" in response to this, Voldemort's stomach growled loudly.
"Fine fine… order me a pizza."
"And make sure it has double anchovies, tuna, seaweed, rice, Pocky, pepperoni, lasagna, cheese, peanut butter, chocolate, olives, and cat food."
He was bored. BORED BORED BORED BORED. And crazy. But that's an understatement.
"WORMTAIL!" Voldemort screeched. The short man hurried in.
"The pizza will be here any minute now, Master!"
"To tell you the truth, I completely forgot about that, but anyway, I'm BORED. Play Operation with me."
Papa Crabbe came in holding a box.
"Your pizza's here, Sir…" he said, handing the box to the Dark Lord.
"Thank you, Crabbe." there was a loud buzzing noise, and they all jumped.
"Whoops… sorry…" Wormtail scratched the back of his head, and it was then realized he accidentally touched the side of one of the little thingies in the Operation dude.
Voldemort took his first shower in 14 years.
Smelling like freshly picked strawberries in the morning, the Dark Lord made his way to the kitchens just to pick on his evil minions.
Lucius convinced Voldemort to settle down and rest, and watch his (Voldemort's) favorite movie of all time: The Lion King.
"Gah hah hah!" the Dark Lord wiped a tear from his eye. "oh, Scar, you are so evil… too bad Simba doesn't die…" he sighed.
"Gah hah hah! Timon, you are hilarious! In that little grass skirt…"
Voldemort yawned loudly, and sat on his bed, scratching the back of his head. Wormtail came in with a blanket.
"Master… are you sure you'd like to sleep this early? It's still light out…"
"Wormtail, don't question me. You know I like to get my beauty sleep." the Dark Lord glared at the man.
"I'm sorry, Master…"
"Anyway, let everyone know that if they do anything that'll wake me up, I'll murder them and eat their livers."
"Y-yes, Master…" Wormtail mentally gulped.
"Now, out!" Voldemort threw out his arm in a very evil like matter, and his the chubby man wobbled out of the room in a hurry.
The Dark Lord lay on his bed, and took a deep breath.
It was silent.
A bird outside chirped.
A/N Well? WELL? What'd you think? Please let me know in a review! -hands everyone cookies-