Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of the Rings. Oh well!
A/N: I decided to do the renowned Lord of the Rings parodies while watching said movies. They're movie based, obviously, and since I do this literally scene by scene, some may be incredibly short, and incredibly boring. These are also based off of the EXTENDED version of all three movies, so some stuff may be unfamiliar. Such as chapter 2.
Prologue: One Ring to Rule Them All…
The scene opens with darkness and creepy music. Suddenly, a random woman starts the voice-over.
I amar prestar aen… The world is changed. Han mathon ne nen…I see
it in the water.
Han mathon ne chae… I feel it in the Earth. A han noston ned gwilith. I smell it in the air...That's strange. I'm merely repeating myself in both Elvish and English. Ah well. Much that once was is lost. For all beings are growing more and more careless. Three were given to the elves, immortal, wisest, and snobbiest of all beings.
Three ELVES gaze IN WONDER at their RINGS OF POWER.
GALADRIEL: Why do I get one? I'm not an elfin lord…
CIRDAN: YAY! My five seconds of fame!
GIL-GALAD: I'm gonna die!
GALADRIEL: Seven to the Dwarf lords, the gold diggers.
DWARF LORDS: HOOZAH!
GALADRIEL: And nine, nine rings were given to men, who above all else, desire doughnuts…yum…
MEN: Now we can have all the doughnuts we want!
GALADRIEL: For within each ring was bound the strength and will to govern each governor. Lord over each Ring. Be present before each president. But they were all deceived. Lied to. Tricked. Swindled. Betrayed. Et cetera et cetera. Another ring was made.
SAURON is STANDING on the CRACK of DOOM, trying on his new RING.
SAURON: Hehe, I'll show them. Those silly little elves with their silly little songs and poems, and those stupid dwarves and their gold necklaces, gold bracelets, gold swords, and gold bootlaces. And those men, don't make me laugh. All they ever want is power. Power and those damn doughnuts.
In the land of Murder, in the fires of Mount Boom, the Dark Sex God,
er, I mean, Dark Lord, Sauron, forged a master ring, to control all
others. And into this ring he poured his frivolity, his chalice, and
his will to dominate all strife. "One Bling to Rule Them All."
SAURON begins his DOMINATION.
VILLAGERS: AHH! FLEE! RUN!
In the DISTANCE, a MONSTER in a SAILOR'S CAP was stomping on all BUILDINGS, SMILING the whole TIME. The STAYPUFF MARSHMALLOW MAN.
GALADRIEL: Two by two, the free lands of Middle-earth boarded the ark. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Murder.
LAST ALLIANCE OF MEN AND ELVES: Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Lef-
ORCS: SHUT UP!
And so, the ORCS proceeded to kick some SERIOUS LAST ALLIANCE OF MEN AND ELVES BEHIND.
ELROND: FIRE! Wait, why am I leading this stupid fight? I'm not even the leader!
The FRONT LINE of ELVES FIRES at the FRONT LINE of ORCS.
ELVES: STRIKE! WOO HOO!
The ELVES proceed to DRAW their SWORDS.
ELVES: Aren't we cool?
RANDOM MAN: WE'RE WINNING!
GALADRIEL: Victory was near. But the power of the ring could not be undone.
RANDOM MAN: Crap.
SAURON: I'm cooler than all of you.
SAURON swings his MACE around with glee.
SAURON: WOOOO! THIS IS BETTER THAN DAY TIME TELEVISION!
SAURON then SWINGS his MACE and Elendil, the RANDOM MAN mentioned earlier, goes a-flying to his DEATH.
GALADRIEL: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's, or the king's SWORD.
ELENDIL: Hey, I'm not dead yet.
ISILDUR promptly STABS him.
ISILDUR: Oh, woe is me. Now I must be made king. What a terrible way to become king.
He goes to STAB SAURON, but Sauron STEPS on the SWORD, BREAKING it.
In a fit of RAGE, ISILDUR cuts the FINGER bearing the RING from SAURON'S HAND.
SAURON proceeds to IMPLODE.
RANDOM ELF: I don't know what's going on. Oh well. I'll just nod and look like I know what the hell is going on.
GALADRIEL: Sauron, the enemy of the free-idiots of Middle-earth, was defeated. The ring passed to Isildur, who was promptly corrupted, which, of course, no one even saw coming.
ISILDUR bears the RING to his death. In other words, he shouldn't have WORN it OUTSIDE his ARMOR. Idiot KING. Of course, he TRIES to BRAVELY FLEE the BATTLE, but the RING, who never LIKED BETRAYERS, SLIPS OFF HIS FINGER.
GALADRIEL: History became legend, legend became mythological, and for two thousand five hundred years, the Ring passed out of all human knowledge. The fish, on the other hand…Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.
Or, RATHER, the BEARER ENSNARED IT.
GOLLUM: Now, what should we name you, precioussssssssssssss?
GALADRIEL: Unfortunately for us all, it fell into the hands of the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him. Or, tried to.
RING: Yuck. Note to self: Five hundred year old hobbit type thing tastes like overdone lava.
GOLLUM: It came to me, my own, my love, my prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrecioussssssssssssss.
GALADRIEL: He wasn't in the least bit obsessed. Really. Anyways. The ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. Because Elbereth knows he was no elf. Eventually though, rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear.
NAMELESS FEAR: Boo.
GALADRIEL: The Ring of Power deceived..or..perceived. Ah to hell with it. It perceived it's time had now come. That's one smart cook-er-ring. It abandoned Gollum, and left for someone far softer. But something happened the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.
BILBO: What's this?
RING: Didn't see that coming.
GALADRIEL: A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of The Shire.
BILBO: It's Balin's birthday next week…this is perfect.
GALADRIEL: You need not ask if Balin ever received this ring, for if he did, there wouldn't be a movie.BALIN: I was supposed to get a ring. DEATH TO BILBO!
GALADRIEL: Time will soon come when Hobbits will set the fortunes of us all.
A/N: Yeah, that one wasn't exactly funny, but don't worry, it gets better. And in case you didn't notice, this one was very word for word, on Galadriel's part anyway. Don't worry, that won't last long. I also should've mentioned at the beginning that the inspiration for these parodies came not only from the movies themselves, but also Zephdae's LOST: Parodies of the Complete First Season. Any LOST fans should read those, as they are the verifiable work of a genius. So, please, REVIEW!