Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 7, the Lord of the Rings, Lego blocks, and all their associated characters, locations, etc… are property of their respective owners. The demented mind of tfa1, however, is my property.
Author's Note: Although this was originally intended to be a one-shot, the story grew on me after a while and I decided to expand the 'One Wing' world with various "excerpts" from various fictional sources. These "excerpts" are in no particular order and have no particular purpose, but I hope you enjoy them. I know I enjoyed writing them.
The One Wing to Rule Them All
Contained herein is a Summary of the War of the One Wing, as told from the Perspective of Bugendalf the Blue:
In the lands of Planet Earth, legend tells of the Dark Lord Sephiron and of the One Wing that would give him the power to destroy the world:
One Wing to rule them all; One Wing to lead them;
One Wing to fly around and with roast beef pummel them.
Into his One Wing Sephiron poured all of his cruelty; his malice. An object of great and terrible power, Sephiron needed only this Wing to cover all the lands with Meteor. Lost for centuries, it was found, and had made its way into the hands of the most unlikely person imaginable: Cloudo Striffins.
Cloudo is of a species not completely unlike Men, but far more common and mindless, known as Iddiots. I, Bugendalf the Blue, tasked him with making his way to Mount Crater, deep within the dark land of Poledor. In the Lifestream of Mount Crater was the One Wing made; only there could it be unmade. I knew it would not be an easy journey, but it had to be completed nonetheless.
"Bugendalf!" cried he.
I graciously hugged the little Iddiot, "It is good to see you, Cloudo."
"Are you going to show us some fireworks, Bugendalf?"
"No, I'm afraid I can't today. The One Wing must be destroyed!"
A voice came from behind the window. It was Cloudo's childhood friend and gardener, Tifawise Locky. "Are we going on a trip, Bugendalf?"
"Yes. We must make our way to Poledor, and cast the Wing into the Lifestream of Mount Crater. I have arranged for numerous companions to accompany you on your journey."
"Will you be coming with us, Bugendalf?" asked the blonde Iddiot Cloudo.
"I'm afraid I can't, Cloudo," I replied. "I must speak with the head of my council, Shinraman, and ask him what he knows of this. Farewell, Iddiots!"
And with that I set of for Midgard, the fortress of Shinraman. Cloudo and Tifawise travelled to the small town of Flee, where they met one of my associates.
"Who are you?" Cloudo asked her.
"I am called Stranger," the woman actually named Aerigorn replied. "We must make haste to Gongadell, where good friends await us."
"But I don't have any good friends!" Cloudo protested as Tifawise nodded in agreement.
"It doesn't matter. I am queen of Cetrador and I order you to come with me!"
And so they set off towards Gongadell, while I meanwhile found myself betrayed by Shinraman. He wanted the One Wing for himself and was preparing an army against the nearby nation of Chocoban, a noble nation of Chocobo tamers. I found myself a taxi, named Shadowtaxi, and sped off towards the capital city of Chocoban, Wutaras.
Meanwhile, the Iddiots had arrived at Gongadell and were treated to a great feast in Elzack's house. There they met new allies: Barli the Dwarf, Legovince the Lego Elf, and Burycid, a noble of Cetrador. They set off towards the Mythril Mines near Midgard, but they got lost and ended up in Cosmofang Forest.
All was not well, however, and I soon found myself face-to-face with the king of Chocoban: the noble Gododen. Much to my dismay, he was under the influence of alcohol, given to him by Shinraman's most devious spy, Cait the Cattongue. As if our past history (which I will not discuss at the moment) wasn't enough, he was now slurring his words and became even more difficult to talk to.
"Forshnen horg ibin nag borgen," King Gododen told me.
Lady Yuffowyn, the daughter, managed to translate. "Gododen King says that you're not welcome here, Bugendalf."
"Then tell him," I said, "that Sephiron will soon attack Chocoban. The Enemy has many spies; clones, copies… Chocoban will not be able to stand against him."
"Forshnen forshnen harg nog borgen."
"He says that the might of Chocoban is very great, because Chocobos are very great, and that no one, not even you, Bugendalf, will defeat our great nation of greatness."
"Oh, and he says all your materia belongs to us now."
I screamed a most deafening scream. Materia was where all my power lay; I wasn't about to give it up so easily. In a major plot twist, I transformed into the Witch King and slew Gododen. Everyone flew before my might, and I pursued them to Johnny's Depp, the great fortress whose history is too complicated to discuss at length here.
Anyways, Shinraman's forces were out for a stroll that day and, seeing a massive flood of Chocoban people amassing so close to Midgard, assumed that they were preparing to attack. Having prepared for an attack also, Shinraman was insulted that the gentle Chocoban people would amass an attack after he had so meticulously prepared to catch them by surprise.
He sent his army to attack the fortress deep within Johnny's Depp: the Hornyburg. It was only by my own bloodlust that the Chocobans survived the fight, but I was still intent on terminating their pitiful existences and so I pursued them further to the Big City of Cetrador: Minced Teeth.
During the Battle of the Hornyburg, my Iddiot friends and their companions attacked Shinraman's fortress at Midgard. Aided by a miniscule race of insects called Ants, the group was sadly defeated as the leader of the Ants, Redbeard, could not extinguish the flame on his buttocks, causing his unfortunate moment of flatulence to decimate the majority of his Ant army.
Coincidentally, they fled also to Minced Teeth, where a great battle had erupted. The Chocobans had fled inside the city, and so I declared war on said city and summoned the army of Sephiron to aid me.
It was a great battle full of explosions and blood and gore and kittens and all manner of things that make me say "Woo hoo!" The newly-arrived Burycid cursed as an arrow pierced his heart, but he continued to fight, revealing that his heart was so callous that no arrow could stop it.
It was not long before the Dark Lord Sephiron himself joined the fight.
"You will all fall before me," he yelled, "for my sword is long and pointy! Soon the One Wing will belong to me again!"
Another arrow struck the great Burycid, but he would not be felled. "Heroes," he said, "always have enough time to make a speech before they die. I am not going to make a speech and so I will live forever! We will all live forever! The glory of Cetrador shall not falter, for we are a strong people! Our nation will persevere for all eternity and cast down the Shadow of the Enemy! There is a weapon among us, more powerful than anything Sephiron possesses! It is the One Wing; we have it, and it shall be utilized to great effect! We shall slay the Dark Lord with his own weapon!"
His speech finished, Burycid reached for the One Wing but died of asphyxiation. Cloudo valiantly left the safety of the city walls in order to hold off the invaders, not realizing that he was the one needing the most protection. I swooped in on a floating ball and stole the One Wing.
"It's mine!" I cried. "Now all shall bow before Bugendalf, the Witch King!"
Redbeard the Ant eyed me suspiciously. "I thought only women could be witches. Wouldn't it be more accurate to call yourself the Wizard King, or perhaps the Warlock King?"
"The Witch King does not trifle with names," I told the Ant while placing the Wing upon my back. "My name is the Witch King and you will call me the Witch King or die a most painful death!"
Finally I spotted Yuffowyn running out of the gates of Minced Teeth brandishing a strange weapon. "You killed my father!" she screamed.
I dropped down to the ground and spoke very calmly. "No, Yuffowyn. I am your father."
"That's not true! THAT'S NOT TRUE!! King Gododen is my father!"
"No; King Gododen was not what you thought him to be. He was once Queen Gododa, my wife. He was your mother."
My daughter collapsed to the ground in horror. "But then… that makes you King of Chocoban…"
"Hmmm… that's very true. Chocobans! As your king I order you to betray Cetrador and slay all within Minced Teeth!"
Yuffowyn would not obey my orders; on account of she hated me for abandoning her. "I'll kill you!"
True to word, she killed me, and then she crowned herself queen of the Chocobans. She ordered them all to return to attacking the vast armies of Poledor, but most of them got confused and did nothing. Fortunately for them, the copies of Sephiron – or in other words, his entire army – were a mindless bunch of useless cretins. I had done most of the work, and now with my body slain the armies of Sephiron were fighting a losing battle – until the Dark Lord tore the One Wing off of my back and transformed into Safe Sephiron.
Safe Sephiron was safe for children aged 0-7, but anyone over (or under) the age limit was not to be spared. He single-handedly destroyed the gates of Minced Teeth and proceeded to slaughter everyone within. He even went so far as to send a meteor crashing into the Sun in the hopes that it would cause a supernova, but the meteor was incinerated and Safe Sephiron looked like a fool.
In a fit of rage he killed Aerigorn (who foolishly made a speech), but Cloudo dropped 99 tissues and pressed Circle, X, Triangle, X, Up, Down, 6, Square, Square, Square Enix, Triangle, Circle, X, X, X, Left, Right, Up, X on his PlaystationTM controller while holding down R2, R1, L2, L1, Circle, and Square, which resulted in the queen's revival. Fortunately, the resurrection spell is indiscriminate, and so I was resurrected again too along with Burycid.
However, we were all resurrected with our wounds still intact and died shortly after making speeches about how happy we were to be returned to the land of the living.
Eventually Barli grew tired of wielding a melee weapon and decided to switch to a machine gun. He mowed down the armies of Poledor, leaving the Dark Lord Safe Sephiron to fight alone. Legovince, trying to outperform Barli, began doing impressive acrobatics but sadly twisted his ankle and was carried off the battlefield.
Exhausted and having lost his long, pointy sword, the Dark Lord decided to retreat and returned to his base of operations in Mount Crater. While attempting Legovince's acrobatics for whatever strange reason, Safe Sephiron twisted his ankle and fell into the Lifestream, destroying the One Wing and ending the strife of Planet Earth.
For destroying the Wing, the Dark Lord Sephiron was declared the greatest hero of Planet Earth.