DISCLAIMER: It's all Joss'.
"…An-And then he just left!" Isabelle sobbed onto Anya's shoulder. Anya patted her on the head and took a sip of her drink. Business was really booming on the outer rim. Lots of betrayal, broken hearts. She had never been so busy.
"I don't know what I did! The sex was great, he seemed happy. HE SAID HE LOVED ME! Then, I went to kiss him one day, and he just left! Walked right out! What's wrong with me? Why didn't he stay?" she wailed.
"Well, it's obvious that there's nothing wrong with you. He's the one with the problem; he thinks he's too good for every woman he's met, the egotistical pig. He probably has a large penis, which means his head is large also; the two seem to go together." Anya told her. "I mean, look at you; you're hot! Most guys would love to have a hot woman at their beck and call; they're stupid like that. This guy must be the biggest jerk." Isabelle looked up and sniffed. Then she nodded her head.
"You're right. It's him with the problem, not me. He's the one who did something wrong." Anya nodded enthusiastically.
"Exactly. Men, I hope somebody puts him in his place someday." She said, baiting the heartbroken girl.
"Yeah! That'd be great. You know what I wish would happen to that pig?" she asked.
"I have no idea." Anya loved this part. It was almost as fun as the monetary system.
" I wish he'd find the one woman in this galaxy who would make him completely miserable, and marry her." Isabelle told her, sealing Jayne's fate.
Eh, it wasn't exactly the boils and horror that she was hoping for, this girl's imagination sucked; well, a wish was a wish.
Isabelle's face took on a look of terror as Anya's turned into a veiny, ridged mess.
Anya woke up feeling very pleased with herself. Until she actually opened her eyes and realized she had no idea where she was. She felt someone behind her put their arm around her unclothed waist and noticed that she was leaning against a very muscular chest. Remembrance came rushing back to her as she silently cursed the Powers.
Jayne woke up to see a small blond woman poking him in the shoulder. With a startled yelp, he sat up.
"Who the hell're you?" He demanded. He sure as hell didn't remember loading that onto the ship last night.
"I've been trying to wake you up. You snore." She told him accusingly.
"Gorramit woman, who are you!"
"I'm Anya. Now stop yelling. Why do you have so many guns? I don't like guns, they tend to cause bad things to happen." He saw that she had removed the drape that hid his weapons. He snatched it away from her and covered the guns back up.
"I have 'em cause I tend to cause the bad things! An' I'm gonna cause one right now if you don't tell me how you got here." He threatened. She looked hurt.
"You don't remember what happened last night?"
"Woman, I almost never remember what happened the night before. Why would last night be-" he cut himself off when something flashed on his finger. No. He took a quick look at her left hand. Oh, hell no!
"Apparently, a man has to be drunk to want to marry me. I should have thought of that a long time ago." She settled against the wall and pulled the blanket around herself.
Jayne leaned back and tried to remember. Flashes of the night before came back to him; meeting a pretty girl at the bar, declaring his love on top of a table, putting that damn ring on her finger, kissin' her!
"Ah, hell." He sighed. And he had a hangover to boot. "Anna?" he tried.
"Anya." He sat a minute longer. Hell. "I need my pants." He stood up and went through the clothes on the ground.
"Where are you going?" She asked.
"We're gonna go see the capt'n." he replied, throwing her clothed to her. "Why do'y have to ask so many damned questions?" he grumbled. "Drive me outta my mind."
As annoying as his new wife appeared to be, he couldn't help but watch her dress. He's at least married a pretty one.
They headed up the ladder and went to the kitchen, where Mal was busy playing cards with Simon.
"Mal, we got a problem" Jayne thundered. Mal stood up, alarm on his face.
"Alliance? You get Wash flying this thing, will ya?" He ordered, leaving the table. "Simon, git your sister and keep her hid. Tell Zoë we need-"
" It ain't Alliance, Mal. This is more serious than that." The alarm was replaced by dread.
"Reavers?" Jayne rolled his eyes.
"Will ya focus a minute here? Look." He pointed to where Anya was openly admiring Simon.
"I like this ship. So far all the men I've seen are very good- looking." She smiled brightly. Mal narrowed his eyed.
"You brought one of your joyrides onto my boat?" He asked quietly.
"No! She was just- woman, stop doing that!" he yelled at Anya as she started flirting with Simon. "She was there when I woke up is all." He explained feebly.
"We're married." Anya put in. "I don't remember the sex, but judging from the size of him, I'm going to assume that it resulted in many good orgasms for me." They all turned to stare at her, stunned by her bluntness.
"Do you just go around…talking like that?" Simon asked. Anya nodded.
"Jayne, how could you be so stupid? Gettin' married to a girl you barely know? What would your mamma say?" Jayne looked at him pleadingly.
"What am I gonna do, Mal? I can't be married." He whispered, glancing over at Anya, who was checking out Mal's butt. Mal sighed and looked down.
:You can't divorce 'er, Jayne. Y'have to go through the Alliance for those, an' they're one of the few things we can't steal."
"So, you mean I'm stuck with 'er?" Jayne asked. Mal nodded.
" 'Fraid so." Anya came over and asked pointedly.
"Are you done? Can we go have sex now?" she looked over Mal one more time. "You can come with if you want; the bed might be a little small for three of us, so we could just kick the pretty boy outta here and use the table." They both stared at her, none of them believing what they were hearing.
"Uhh…" Mal cleared his throat.
"That sounds…great, but why don't you an' Jayne go get some practice in by yourselves for now. I gotta go do…stuff." he slowly backed away, afraid that she'd pounce on him right there.
"Oh, I'm so excited! We can have sex whenever we want now!" Jayne could hardly believe it; her mind was almost as one-tracked as his was, 'cept she had some strange ideas that in his most drunken stupor he'd never thought of. On the bright side, she'd certainly save him money when they landed for a job, that's for sure.
Anya reached up and kissed Jayne right on the mouth, much to his surprise.
"Wiffee dearest, did you see that? Mal got Jayne a girl for his birthday!" Wash exclaimed from the doorway. Jayne looked up to see the rest of the crew coming in for breakfast.
"Appears he has. Must be trying to save money." Zoë teased, entering the kitchen.
Mal turned to the group, a dazed expression still on his face.
"Everyone, meet Mrs. Cobb."
Anya leaned over to whisper to Jayne.
"If Tightpants over there can't make it to our meeting, remind me to ask to hottie instead." Jayne looked over to where his wife was staring and saw Zoë. This marriage was looking up.