Hello everyone! I'm back from vacation with this little piece I wrote. Now, why am I posting it instead of getting the sleep I so despretely need? ...(C-Chan: Because you love your readers.) Right!
So I'm posting this. Other posts will come later. Patience is a virtue. -dodges shoes-
This is a one-shot with no pairing. It takes place before Sasuke's betrayal, so everyone is 12 or so.
Warnings: Language, lies, threats of violence, OOCness
'inner person' or 'thoughts'
words on the signs
"Ugh, where am I?" Naruto groaned. Lifting his head, the blue-eyed boy dazedly looked around. It was then he realized he was surrounded.
By fangirls. Sasuke's fangirls, to be exact.
The kyuubi-holder gasped, and tried to scramble backwards away from the girls.
Keyword being tried.
He was tied tightly to a chair with wire. The special type of unbreakable wire used by shinobi.
"Oh, stop freaking out." A bratty voice commanded. Naruto stopped struggling in his bonds as Ino stepped out from the ring of fangirls. "We aren't going to hurt you…well, we won't as long as you cooperate."
"Cooperate with what?" Naruto asked nervously; his eyes were slightly wide.
"We have a few questions?"
"About Sasuke." He stated flatly.
"Of course." She waved her hand absently. "Did you think we wanted to ask questions about you?"
Naruto raised a golden eyebrow and ignored her last sentence. "And if I refuse?"
Ino only grinned wickedly. "You won't if you want to walk out of here with your balls in tact." Her hands began to inch towards her kunai pouch. Naruto gulped and looked around at the other girls. Each of them wore the same grin as Ino, and their eyes promised pain if he didn't cooperate.
A lot of pain.
Naruto sighed defeatedly. Sometimes it really sucked to be the best friend of the Number 1 Rookie slash academy heartthrob.
'Damn you Sasuke! I'll kick your ass twice as hard during training tomorrow.' Inner Naruto pumped his fist into the air. Images of a bruised and sobbing chibi Sasuke kneeling in front of a victoriously grinning chibi Naruto filled the blond's head. Outer Naruto grinned.
"Wipe that stupid smile off your face and just answer our questions!" Ino stomped her foot.
"Fine…but as his fanclub, don't you already know everything about him?"
The girls looked away with faint blushes on their cheeks. Ino laughed embarrassedly. "Some of our information was gathered through rumors. We don't know if it's correct. Like the rumor that Sasuke likes girls with long hair. That was false because he barely looked at any girls with long hair!" She pouted.
"He doesn't look at any girls." Naruto muttered.
"Just answer our questions!" The girls screeched.
Naruto winced. "Fine, ask away!" He leaned back as much as he could in the chair.
"What's his favorite food?"
"He wants people to think its black, but actually, it's yellow." 'Che, the bastard doesn't really give a damn.'
"Cats. Kittens, actually." 'Like hell I'd know.'
The girls cooed and giggled at the thought of their precious Sasuke-kun playing with cute kittens.
Inner Naruto (who happens to have red fox ears and a tail, in case anyone cared) smirked devilishly as Outer Naruto kept a slightly bored expression.
'Lying to obsessive females is fun!' Inner Naruto chuckled.
"Boxers or briefs?"
A look of faint disgust flashed across Naruto's face. 'How the hell would I know? I don't go around asking the asshole.'
"He wears boxers from Monday through Saturday. But," he leaned his next a little bit forward, "He told me he likes to go commando on Sundays." 'I hope he never shares personal information like that with me. Best friend or not, I don't need to know.'
Several fangirls squealed and Inner Naruto began to laugh evilly. 'This is great! Sasuke will have wonderful Sunday.' He paused in laughing. 'I still can't believe they believe me; they're practically eating up these lies.' Inner Naruto shrugged and continued laughing.
The girls continued to fire question after question at the tied-up ninja and he continued to answer each one smoothly. By that I mean, he lied through his teeth and none of the girls realized it.
'Idiots!' Inner Naruto snorted.
"This is our last question. What does Sasuke-kun want in a girl?"
The entire room went still. Each pair of eyes was on Naruto. Even the moth flying around the flickering light bulb seemed suspended in mid air.
Naruto licked his lips. He knew exactly what he wanted to say. He knew that Sasuke would find out, hunt him down, and most likely kill him. There was a 99.9 percent chance that the girls would rip him to shreds for even suggesting such a thing about their precious 'Sasuke-kun'.
No matter how much chakra Kyuubi could give him, Naruto would never be able to take on Sasuke's Fangirls United. Only half of the SFU was in the room, and there were more. Many more who hadn't forgiven him for taking their love's first kiss.
Were few moments of triumph and laughter at the expense of a teammate's pain worth the consequences?
'Have we ever thought about consequences before? No! Just dive head first into matters like you always do!' Inner Naruto yelled.
"Sasuke is gay."
The reaction was instantaneous, and was exactly what Naruto had expected. Several fangirls fainted, while others began to cry. The more dangerous began to plot the death of every male in Konoha.
Unfortunately, Naruto forgot that Ino was not your average fangirl. She was twice as dangerous and unshakable in her belief of Sasuke's heterosexuality.
Inner Ino was a little more flexible.
'A threesome perhaps?' she pondered.
"You little bastard!" Ino hissed, grabbing Naruto by the neck of his orange jumpsuit and pulling him forward; chair and all. "How do we know you're not lying!"
'Maybe we should have thought this out a little bit more…' Inner Naruto muttered. 'Oh well. Try lying some more and maybe they'll believe us!'
Naruto feigned innocence and honesty. His life was at stake (no, he's not being overly dramatic.).
"Kakashi-sensei took the entire team out for food after training and I saw Sasuke checking out our waiter. The next day I asked him about it and he admitted he preferred men."
'Let's hope they don't remember Sasuke isn't the type to share such personal information with anyone…but, then again, they did ask if he wore boxers or briefs.' Inner Naruto said.
Naruto continued, silently praying they would buy his story. "Sasuke said he was really scared to come out, especially because he knew his fanclub would be upset. Even though he told me, he's still too scared to come completely out of the closet."
'They'll never believe you! They know Sasuke is never too scared! They're going to castrate us!' Inner Naruto was running around in a circle and wailing.
"Aww, so Sasuke-kun is afraid to come out of the closet?" one of the girls said to her neighbor.
'They…believed that load of crap?' Inner Naruto said in disbelief as the girls talked among themselves. It would seem the .01 percent chance came through.
Outer Naruto blinked.
"Let's go tell Sasuke-kun we still love him even if he is gay!" Ino announced as she loosened the wires.
Naruto tugged off the rest of the bonds and rubbed the areas where the wires had dug into him. He watched with some interest as the fangirls pushed out of the small room.
"I wonder if he's bi?" One fangirl mused out loud as she left.
After all the girls had left, Naruto began to laugh. "And they say I'm an idiot? I can't believe they believed me." His laughs began to die down, but a satisfied smirk remained. "I love manipulating people into making other people's lives a little more difficult. Especially when it's Sasuke's life…Well, I still have some time before Sasuke finds out what I did from those girls, I think I'll find Sakura-chan. No one puts sleeping solution into my ramen and use it against me. Not even my future girlfriend."
Naruto then walked out the door.
The Next Day
Uchiha Sasuke prided himself on being good at ignoring people. He ignored Sakura, Naruto's rants and insults, and Kakashi's tardiness. And usually he could ignore swarms of fangirls chasing him. Not that he ever ran away from them. He used the manuevoer known as Code Wind a.k.a. a tactical retreat to non-Uchihas.
However he could not ignore the group of fangirls parading outside his house led by Ino.
The dark-haired avenger stood on his front step, watching as girls waved signs that read We still love you, Sasuke-kun! And You're still our favorite! And Your sexuality doesn't matter!
It was the last one that caught his eye.
"My sexuality doesn't matter? What the hell?" he muttered and began walking towards the group.
"We still accept you, even if you do like men!" Ino shouted into her megaphone. Sasuke stopped dead in his tracks.
"Be true to yourself! Follow your heart! It's okay to be homosexual!" Ino continued yelling.
"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking. About?" he ground out, glaring fiercly at Ino.
Ino turned around and lowered her megaphone. "Good morning, Sasuke-kun!" she chirped.
"Answer the question!" he snapped. If you went outside, only to find a group of girls encouraging you to step out of the closet, you'd be irritated too.
"It's okay, we all know you're gay." Ino ignored Sasuke's noise of protest, "We're all still sad we lost whatever chance we had with you, but we'll support you no matter what." She leaned forward and whispered, "I can get you some yaoi comics, if you need tips."
Sasuke make a choked noise. "But…I'm straight."
Ino patted his back. "There's no need to lie to us. We know and we accept you! You should have told us sooner. We wouldn't have wasted all that time stalking you." She sighed.
Sasuke opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it. 'Just go along with the gay thing…they'll stop trying to sneak into the house and find out if you wear boxers or briefs!' Inner Sasuke urged.
Sasuke let out a (fake) defeated sigh. "I admit it, I prefer men-"
"Are you bi!" One girl yelled out. "No." Sasuke answered quickly. "But, could you ladies tell me who told you I was gay?" 'So I can kill them.' Inner Sasuke added. Outer Sasuke flashed a charming smile (he was cringing inside).
The girls swooned a little and one answered, "It was that blond friend of yours. Uzumaki….Hey, where'd he go?"
Indeed, Sasuke had disappeared before the girl had even finished speaking.
Across the Village
Naruto hummed cheerfully. He was alive, his belly was full of ramen (bought by Iruka-sensei), and it was a beautiful, sunny day.
Did he mention he was still alive?
Fortunately for the blond, Sasuke hadn't come for him the night before and Naruto hadn't seen him all day.
Life was good, and he was alive.
'Spoke too soon.' Inner Naruto whimpered.
Naruto felt his blood run cold and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He could recognize that cold and unforgiving voice anywhere. He slowly turned around, hiding his fear with a cheerful grin. "Morning Sasuke! Nice day, eh?"
Naruto wilted under the harshness of obsidian eyes staring down at him. Sasuke cracked his knuckles and Naruto began to inch backwards.
"It'll be a nice day…after I kill you."
Naruto laughed nervously. "I only told your fangirls. And I doubt they would tell anyone else."
There was a swirl of violet smoke next to them and their silver-haired sensei appeared. After a lazy greeting, he turned to Sasuke and with a sly smile (not that anyone could tell) he said, "So, who is gonna restart your clan now?"
And, it was then Naruto sped off with dust flying behind him and a pissed off Sharingan user hot on his heels.
Yes, this is probably the crappiest thing ever written...but atleast I posted something, yeah? Yes, it probably didn't make sense and I made the girls extremely stupid but...eh, I have nothing to say in my defense.
I added my inner persons and I tried to write some humor. Did I succeed or fail?
If you hated it and want to flame, go ahead. Flame me! -sets out firewood- I'm ready haters!
Oh, and if anyone thought I used the term 'gay' cruelly or anything, I apologize. I have no bias (sp?) against homosexuals and I'm sorry if it offended anyone.