Monday, 30 March, 1750, 3.04 P.M.

Today there was this French man who spoke no English and said he needed my help (we were on their ship to kill/recruit—it relieves tension). He said he was walking all over the ship looking for someone with a knife to sharpen his pencil. So I got out my switchblade, and I sharpened his pencil and then I stabbed him in the heart. I felt like a supervillain. It was way cool.

Thursday, 2 April, 1750, 12.31 P.M.

Three o'clock today—dinner with Capt. LeChuck. Deathly excited!!!

Things to Remember: do not bring up Miss Marley and do NOT order root beer.

Friday, 3 April, 1750, 4.44 P.M.

I have been hanging out with tonnes! of cool people lately and having scads of fun. Spring has been great so far. I am actually being social! It is good.

The dinner last night was pleasant. We discussed a bit of pogonology and he told me he could get me a LeChuckie doll if I gave him some time. I said sure, I mean it's not like I have anything BETTER to do all day but wait for the mail to come.

Wednesday, 8 April, 1750, 1.29 A.M.

MASTERED: seduction?

CONTROL: levels of inadequacy.

Wednesday, 15 April, 1750, 7.24 P.M.

One of the kraken's tentacles got scratched. Who decided to go and invent oysters?? Oh yeah, God. THANKS MAN!

Wednesday, 22 April, 1750, 6.09 P.M.

So I decided to call LeChuck today...big mistake. I just wanted advice on my latest project idea but he got totally mad at me for no reason. I really shouldn't worry about it, because it's probably just that he thought his hair looked gross or something. Hey, at least he has hair!!!

He mentioned Mr Turner's eunuch son, Guybrush. What a dweeb. It's easy to see where he gets it from.

Thursday, 23 April, 1750, 3.15 A.M.

LeChuck called me back and apologised. He said he was just angry because apparently Mr Turner's eunuch son Guybrush has been trying to become a pirate.

I'm almost offended by this. He's really going to be giving pirates everywhere a bad name. It's just like these people I knew once. I knew this woman named Mrs Lachtna who made the best porridge. I mean it was really, really good. Then there was this man named Albert who was coming to visit, and Solomon said, "Ooh, Albert isn't going to like Mrs Lachtna's porridge." I said, "Why not? She makes like the best porridge." He said, "Well, Albert's mother makes really terrible porridge, but that's what he thinks all porridge tastes like, so he'll hate Mrs Lachtna's."

I was totally SHOCKED!!

But if Mr Turner's eunuch son Guybrush decides he wants to be a pirate, I can only imagine what people will think of real pirates like me! They will think I am totally nerdy and impotent!

OMG. I can't let this happen. Guybrush is a dead "man". I am going to KILL him.


Sunday, 26 April, 1750, 11.34 A.M.

I hate how I suck so much : (

I asked Mr Turner about his eunuch son Guybrush...apparently he HAS no eunuch son Guybrush. Jeez. I really should not believe everything I hear.


Oh time for tin-foil hats. I'm doing a business lunch with LeChuck at Señor Frog's to talk about possible revisions to the PATs. I don't know, I mean I think it's a good idea and everything, because blokes who don't pass the Pirate Aptitude Test rarely make good pirates, but the thing is then a bunch of my guys will be obsolete. Every time I see Quittance he's grown some new starfish or something, and I keep TELLING him that I'm going to get him a test and a pencil, but then I invariably get sidetracked. I mean I COULD totally just hire new guys...

LeChuck really is one of the coolest people I know...

So...why am I not looking forward to seeing you?? I am SO confused.