Itachi winced slightly when the needle pierced his flesh. It was worth it though, he hazily thought, as the drug began to kick in. He didn't know when this began, and he didn't care either. It was the only thing keeping him sane, but yet, it wasn't. There was no way to discribe it. It helped him but it hurt him. He felt like he needed it yet he knew he should stop...
He was dying, mentally... physically... He couldn't tell the difference anymore. He was in pain every day. It was probably just in his head, but it felt so real. How had he stood it for so long without the drugs? His parents constantly pushing him to become better, telling him what he'd done was good, but not good enough. Not great. They pushed him to it, and there was nothing to pull him back out.
What hurt him most, was that when he wasn't on the drug, no one asked him about his odd behavior. The drug made him act funny, and he couldn't control it. He knew exactly what was going on, but he just couldn't get control of himself. He said and did odd things, but no one noticed it. Was he so inadaquite that no one cared?
Everyone he knew, his 'friends', if you will, thought he was stuck up. That since he was stronger than them, he felt he was better. It was the opposite, however. He felt that he could do nothing. That he was far worse than the others. That he would never be able to reach their level. He had begun to envy them. The way they received a 'good job!' whenever they accomplished something. The way they were able to accept praise genuinly, and believe that others were proud of them.
For him, it wasn't that easy. A 'good job!' wasn't something he could accept. If someone said that to him, he felt as though he was being taunted. His whole life he'd been taught that wasn't enough. He needed to be excellent, outstanding, amazing. But nothing he did reached his parents standards. At thirteen, he became an ANBU captain. Most ninja that age weren't even chuunin.
But still, the feeling of inadiquacy wouldn't leave. He dwrowned himself in the drugs, but they only made him feel worse. His performance wasn't like it used to be. His skills had dropped below jounin level, and they were considering taking him off the squad. When his father had heard of this, his first reaction was to hit the closest thing there: Itachi.
Of course, Itachi was used to his father's oubursts. It still hurt though. He relished in it, and he stopped working as hard. Sure, it made his father mad, but at least he got some reaction. It was better than the usual. His work was barely recognized when it was on top, and it got a huge reaction when it was on bottom. So he left it there.
Eventually, he got sick of staying at the bottom. He'd been there long enough, surely if he did better now, he'd get a better reaction? Maybe someone would be proud of him. He tried again. Promoted to ANBU captain again... Still nothing. Maybe... Maybu he would have to show the clan his real skills.
I'm stuck on Itachi angst for the moment. I guess I'm trying to get people to like him more for him instead of just his looks.. Whatever. It probably didn't make much sense, and it's not very long, but it's late and I'm getting up early tomorrow.