DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gundam SEED. This idea is originally from Theresa Green, and inspired by Hikari Hrair-Rah's RK series.
Also, you might think that I'm bashing the characters, I'M NOT. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. For comments and suggestions, please do not hesitate to contact me via reviews!
Thanks to Paronomastic Paragon for that hilarious 'Consumer Complaint'.
SHINN ASUKA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated SHINN ASUKA unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your ZAFT Mobile Suit Gundam Pilot, please pay close attention to the following instructions:
Name: Shinn Asuka (a.k.a. that cocky JERK)
Date of Manufacture: September 1, C.E. 57
Place of Manufacture: Ex-Civilian Division, Onogoro Island, Orb Union
Genetic Type: Coordinator
Height: 168 cm
Weight: Amazingly Light
Your SHINN ASUKA will come with the following accessories:
One (1) standard issued ZAFT pilot suit (with knife)
One (1) standard issued ZAFT military suit
One (1) set civilian clothing (for off-duty hours)
One (1) girlishly pink clamshell cell phone
One (1) motorbike (for short – very short – distances)
Please take note that mobile suit/s are not included with the SHINN ASUKA unit. To get him started in his military duties, we suggest that you buy him one. Fortunately, our company is offering a free ZGMF-X56S IMPULSE to the first fifty (50) buyers! That's right! Absolutely free with no extra charge! So buy a SHINN ASUKA unit now and get a mobile suit for FREE! No extra charge! That's right! F-R-E-E!
NOTE: Company is not liable to any damages – physical and/or mental – that unit might cause with the use of a mobile suit. Consumer Discretion is advised.
The SHINN ASUKA unit may not be the most versatile units around, but rest assured that with proper manipulation sk1llz, he will willingly serve in as many different modes as possible. If, however, you do not have the proper manipulation sk1llz, we suggest buying a GILBERT DULLINDAL unit or a REY ZA BURREL unit. For the meantime, drool over all the possible modes that we can think for him:
PILOT: This practically comes as a default programming for all units under the Mobile Suit Pilot™ line. Your SHINN ASUKA is a highly capable mobile suit pilot, having been handpicked by the Chairman himself. That should be proof enough of his l33t sk1llz. Hire him out to the military and watch the cash roll! Or, take advantage of him yourself; either way, he'd be happy knowing his out to 'protect'.
PUPPET: This mode is strictly for those who have manipulation sk1llz only. With careful manipulating, your SHINN ASUKA will be willing to do anything for you! That's right, ANYTHING! Even strip butt nekkid! Nah, just kidding. 'Cept that one. He's incredibly shy. If you do not have manipulation sk1llz and would still like to use this feature, we suggest that you buy the complete villains package. The Complete Destiny Villains Package™ consists of SHINN ASUKA, REY ZA BURREL, CHAIRMAN GILBERT DULLINDAL and LORD DJIBRIL! (Note: The Company decided to throw in LORD DJIBRIL in the package because sales of this unit are down, down, down. Anyway, that unit would serve as a nice scapegoat.)
BIG BROTHER: The SHINN ASUKA unit is naturally equipped with BIG BROTHER INSTINCTS® (brought to you by the makers of the ELRIC BROTHERS from Fullmetal Alchemist!). Although not as highly developed as the EDWARD ELRIC's, the most your SHINN ASUKA could do is pick up his sister's dropped cell phone and avenge her death 'til kingdom come.
BODYGUARD: The SHINN ASUKA unit is a full-blooded Coordinator, and as such, has great physical abilities that only other can dream of. Combine this with full military training and what do you get? The Bodyguard!SHINN ASUKA! The Bodyguard!SHINN ASUKA is fully capable of taking care of your enemies for you and ensuring your safety in the process. If you're not a highly-targeted, influential person, why don't you hire him out to more highly-targeted, influential persons who need him and earn easy bucks?
Your SHINN ASUKA unit comes with six (6) different modes:
Rebellious (default setting)
SEED mode is characterized by a glazed look in the eyes and will automatically be activated when in life-threatening situations. Be careful when handling unit in SEED mode as unit is extremely dangerous. May we reiterate our long-standing policy about the damages that the unit might produce while in SEED mode. Yep, we're NOT responsible. And may we suggest getting a lawyer this early because the SHINN ASUKA unit is very, VERY unstable while in SEED mode.
Relations with other units:
There isn't any use sugarcoating stuff so let us say it clearly and precisely: the SHINN ASUKA unit does not socialize well with other units, period. However, there are exceptions. Read the following guidelines carefully to ensure which units your SHINN ASUKA will willingly interact with.
LUNAMARIA HAWKE: This unit might annoy your unit from time to time for being quite talkative, but rest assured that the SHINN ASUKA unit will bring no harm to the LUNAMARIA HAWKE unit – unless, of course, he starts seeing visions and all that crap. If you're a fan of this pairing, we suggest staging a situation in which the SHINN ASUKA will kill the ATHRUN ZALA (Destiny© version) and the MEYRIN HAWKE unit – but NOT REALLY. Oh, and it would help a lot, too, if you killed the STELLAR LOUISSIER unit. After that, your SHINN ASUKA and LUNAMARIA HAWKE units will stick to each other like flies on a stinky butt.
REY ZA BURREL: The REY ZA BURREL unit is from the FAILED CLONES™ line (OMG, spoiler!). As such, he may have slight…okay, not-so-slight villainous tendencies. If you're okay with having your SHINN ASUKA manipulated and would like to keep him in check, then we suggest getting this unit. This unit is very capable in keeping the SHINN ASUKA under wraps as the SHINN ASUKA looks up to this unit and trusts him.
ATHRUN ZALA (Destiny© version): 'First impressions last', that's what you have to remember in dealing with the ATHRUN ZALA (Destiny© version). Your SHINN ASUKA unit has a natural tendency to challenge authoritative figures. Your SHINN ASUKA will loathe this unit for a number of reasons: 1) the ATHRUN ZALA's (Destiny© version) higher rank; 2) the ATHRUN ZALA's (Destiny© version) relation to Orb; and 3) let's face it; the ATHRUN ZALA (Destiny© version) IS annoying as hell. We suggest that you keep all further interactions under the supervision of other CAPABLE units.
STELLAR LOUISSIER: This unit is from the EXTENDED™ line. This unit is highly unstable and has a tendency to refer to herself in the third person – which can get annoying in a while. Don't worry though, as your SHINN ASUKA unit is intent on protecting this girl. Call it a mother's instinct or the BIG BROTHER® feature at work. Whichever. Anyway, just make sure that this unit has taken all of her drugs and everything will be fine and dandy. Also, don't let this unit get killed! Because that might cause a breakdown on the SHINN ASUKA's psyche.
Other unit interactions:
CAPTAIN TALIA GLADYS: Like we said, the SHINN ASUKA unit has a natural tendency to disregard superior officers. Interactions with this unit, though, are fairly civil and you need not worry.
CHAIRMAN GILBERT DULLINDAL: ALAS! We have detected a glitch in the SHINN ASUKA's obnoxious-and-rude-to-superior-officers setting. Your SHINN ASUKA idolizes this unit and sucks up everything this unit says like, well, like a SUCKER. Beware of manipulation from this unit.
CAGALLI YULA ATHHA (Destiny© version): Well, what else can we say? The SHINN ASUKA unit hates this unit with a passion. Keep ALL (and we mean ALL!) interactions supervised, if you don't want your CAGALLI YULA ATHHA (Destiny© version) unit to suffer mental and/or physical damages. Some people, though, seem to think that these two units are, in actuality, in love with each other. Well, in that case, we recommend you to contact your nearest FANFICTION AUTHORESS/AUTHOR.
KIRA YAMATO (Destiny© version): When meeting/interacting with the SHINN ASUKA unit, always keep the KIRA YAMATO's (Destiny© version) identity under wraps. If you let slip that the KIRA YAMATO (Destiny© version) unit is actually the Freedom's pilot, then say bye-bye to it. We mean it. (We don't accept refunds.)
MEYRIN HAWKE: The SHINN ASUKA unit is fairly passive to this unit, and might even treat it like a friend/sister at times. But be warned! If the SHINN ASUKA gets orders to kill it… let's just say WE DON'T ACCEPT REFUNDS.
ARTHUR TRINE: Being a superior officer, this unit will experience the full wrath of the SHINN ASUKA unit's Obnoxious setting. Do not worry, though, as the ARTHUR TRINE unit is fully designed to handle all negative encounters with any unit.
Your SHINN ASUKA unit, obnoxious as it may be, is fully capable of grooming itself. Just be sure to provide him with the necessary cleaning/grooming materials and he is well on his way. We strongly advise against cleaning him yourself as the unit is extremely volatile; but, if, however, you cannot resist doing so, please take note of the following. DO NOT MACHINE-WASH UNIT. DO NOT TUMBLE UNIT DRY. DO NOT HANG UNIT IN THE LINE TO DRY.
The SHINN ASUKA unit is a growing teenager and as such, needs as much nourishment as possible. Being a typical teenager, your unit may have an affinity to junk food, sodas and the like. LET HIM EAT CAKE, pun fully intended. Because if you don't, all HELL will break loose and the company is not liable to any damages – be it physical or mental – this might produce. A note of warning, however: The SHINN ASUKA unit has a characteristic behavior of crushing soda cans. This is entirely NORMAL.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Er… I think there's something wrong with my SHINN ASUKA unit. Sure, he hates Kira with a passion, but he has long, black hair and an even more pessimistic attitude. Is this the real deal and just needs a haircut or was I somehow the victim of fake merchandise?
A: Do not fear, loyal customer! We apologize for the mishap but that is NOT the SHINN ASUKA unit. That is the prototype unit from the Ultimate Coordinator® line, the CANARD PARS unit. That unit is highly unstable and we strongly suggest that you ship it back to us ASAP. Unless, of course, he killed you already. Oh, well.
Q: My whole family is scared. We had to move out of the house because my daughter's SHINN ASUKA unit suddenly went berserk! His eyes are freakin' scary – they're all red and just SCARY. I don't know what to do. HELP!
A: Come again? Oh, yeah, berserk, right. Have you, per chance, read that itsy-bitsy note about the SHINN ASUKA unit going into SEED Mode? If yes, then, you are aware that we are not responsible, right? If not, tough luck. In any case, that unit is NOT defective. Maybe it has caught sight of the FREEDOM, or the ORB FORCES™.
Problem: Your SHINN ASUKA is constantly challenging authoritative figures, and picking fights like there is no tomorrow.
Solution: This is entirely NORMAL behavior. We suggest getting him a REY ZA BURREL unit to keep him in line. Also, may we note that we are NOT responsible for any brainwashing this might cause.
Problem: Your SHINN ASUKA unit has been seen moping around and is incredibly even more hostile towards your ATHRUN ZALA (DESTINY© version). He is also seen 'hanging out' constantly in the infirmary of the MINERVA™, if you have one.
Solution: Simple. His would-be girlfriend, the STELLAR LOUISSIER unit, has been taken prisoner and is being kept alive ONLY for guinea pig purposes. We strongly suggest higher security around that unit as the SHINN ASUKA is programmed to 'save' her. If your SHINN ASUKA still manages to take your STELLAR LOUISSIER back to your EA-loving neighbor, we suggest you get a very good psychiatrist instead.
My SHINN AUSKA unit just ditched his IMPULSE unit for this shiny new GUNDAM called the DESTINY! He won't listen to me now! And the REY ZA BURREL unit I introduced him to just rolls his eyes at me, saying I'm 'too involved with a certain masked man to watch him anyway'!
these units don't know their owners personally, do they?
-Sincerely, A Creeped Out Customer
Yes, that is commonly known as the 'HAND-ME DOWN SYNDROME' and affects 99.9 percent of Main Mobile Suit Pilots nowadays. Research is being conducted on whether or not this is a side-effect of having a MALE EGO/Programming.
We apologize for not being able to address this particular warning in the manual. Anyway, we suggest getting an ATHRUN ZALA (Destiny Version) to get some sense knocked into your SHINN ASUKA unit.
Erm... they have a MEMORY BANK. They KNOW their owners. BEWARE.
With proper care and maintenance, your SHINN ASUKA unit will live a very long life. We could only hope that his appearance (if there ever will be) in Gundam SEED Eternal won't be as traumatic (for us and for him) as it was in Destiny.