A drabble by Kuja's Little Mage

Tags: Shounen-ai, PWP

Fandom: Neon Genesis Evangelion

Rating: T

Pairings: Shinji+Kaworu

Side-pairings: None

Disclaimer: Evangelion and all associated characters aren't mine, but judging by the REAL cover of the tenth book, we ALL know they're gay. (You know the one...with Shinji in Kaworu's lap? Yeah. That one. Don't deny it...)

Summary: Shinji has some thoughts on the Fifth Child, but some of the interpretations confuse him. Kaworu sees all, knows all, but what is there to know about Kaworu himself?

Author's Notes: My very first "First-Person Narrative", so be gentle.

Trying to convey some meaningful thoughts and the nature of the mysterious and much-loved Kaworu.

These sorts of things are the kind of psychology that drew me in to the provocative cult of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

He's weird.

I should say, "I'm weird."

Maybe we're both weird.

He stirs things up, makes things happen...and you can't tell if he intended to do it, or if it was just a simple accident. This ambiguousness of Kaworu's is probably what sets others off from him. It's probably what makes them feel nervous. What makes me feel nervous.

And yet at the same time, while the ambiguity makes me shake a little, it also pulls me in. It might be curiosity, but it could be something else. The scary thing is, I don't know what else it could be.

Or, as Kaworu would say, maybe I do know, but I'm too scared to acknowledge it.

...His ambiguity is sinking into me.

This two-faced business...or, I shouldn't say "two-faced" as much as "two-sided."

Since Kaworu appeared (I say "appeared," because lo, out of nothing, there he stood), everything I've been thinking and feeling—as if it weren't complicated enough, it got even more complicated. I don't like things to be complicated. I try to keep things simple.

Kaworu notices this, and points it out to me. It irritates me, and my face turns red as I deny it. Am I upset because he noticed the flaw, or because he enforced to me the fact that it exists?

People don't like to be reminded of their flaws, because it reminds them that they are not Gods.

I can sometimes understand things like this, when you put it in words, but when I see it in action, I don't know what to think of it. This is where Kaworu surpasses me. He can understand a person's nature as both an active and an inactive thing. He can see the nature, analyze the nature of the nature, and pinpoint the source of that nature. All without a single human err.

People don't like to be completely noticed, because to be read like an open book is to feel as if one has been invaded past the point of welcome. People fix this problem by establishing barriers.

Kaworu likes to disturb me by pointing out my own barriers while he's in the process of invading them.

Or maybe he doesn't like it...or maybe he just doesn't think about it, and it's an automatic thing, like a reflex.

He is not only ambiguous in his purposes, but is very difficult to read in all other aspects.

People are intimidated by things that they do not know or understand.

They are also intimidated by things that contain great amounts of power.

Kaworu has the power to so easily read others that it is unnerving. But it isn't just this that makes Kaworu so powerful. The truth is this: that while all around him, all of the people of the world are so easy for him to understand, those same people will have a whole other world of difficulty trying to understand him.

By now, I haven't even known him for more than a few hours...half a day, at best. Still, I already know one thing about Kaworu. like a reflective object. A mirror.

The mirror can tell you all about yourself, but you can't tell very much about the mirror in return.

This is the thing about Kaworu that makes him seem so intimidating.

This is the thing that I both hate...and love.

Is it love?

It could be something else.

But it feels like love.

Can you tell when something is love?

I don't know what else to call it. So I'll call it love.