A Tribute to Bad SN Fanfiction
Disclaimer: Kripke, we took Sam and Dean out of their boxes and played with them a little. They're not too broken, we hope.
Introduction: Many of you-scratch that, probably all of you- will find this story to be complete crap. That was kind of the point. It's supposed to be a stab at all the Supernatural fanfiction pet peeves we have. Maybe you'll share similar frustrations. Keep in mind, before you rush to flame this, you have to admit that sadly this isn't the worst thing you've read in this fandom.
Summary: Dean does this and then Sam does this and then they do this and then this happens and then this girl comes and then the story ends. In all actuality, you'll have to read it because there is no summarizing the craziness involved. This story has been written in present tense for your inconvenience.
Disclaimer 2: We sooo do not own Sam and Dean, because if we did, we would make mad spider monkey love to them. (Like duh, we don't own them) Oh, and this is our first fic. (Not really, but as a major pet peeve of both of the authors, we had to include it)
Scene 1- Chocolate Covered Gummi's
Our story opens with our elder hero, Dean Winchester, chowing down on chocolate covered gummi bears in yet another rundown motel room.
"I can't do this on my own, Smalls," he replied, looking at his half-asleep younger brother.
"Dean, you're not even researching, you're playing pinball. And what's with the new nickname? Tired of 'Sammy' already?"
"Hey, listen up Sammy, this pinball game is no walk in the park."
"Dean, pinball has nothing to do with a poltergeist."
"Yes it does."
"No it doesn't."
"They both start with 'P' don't they?"
"Dean, you're a moron."
"And you're a pansy."
Suddenly Sam grips his head, his face contorting in pain. Dean stops mid 'female dog' reference and rushes to Sam's side.
"Sammy!" He helps Sam sit down on the bed. "SAM!"
Suddenly Sam stops squirming in pain and looks up into Dean's scared face. He starts to laugh uncontrollably.
"I so got you, dude! You should have seen the look on your face."
Dean smacks the back of Sam's head, resulting in Sam punching Dean's arm. An all out brawl ensued when Dean's shoulder found Sam's gut, pummeling Sam down onto the bed. They wrestle there for a bit before Dean grabs Sam's head in a lock and sits on top of him.
"Dude, this is getting to be waaaay too Brokeback for me." That was Dean.
"Sadly, this is the most action I've had in a while."
"Do the authors realize we're brothers?"
"Dude, get off me," Sam complains.
Dean gets up and goes for his jacket. "Let's go get you laid, Sammy."
Scene 2- Fangirls Go Boom (Yet Another Bar Scene)
Dean is surrounded by six women as he concentrates on hitting the 8 ball into the corner pocket. The women thus far have ooh'ed and ahh'ed over Dean's impressive pool skills. Meanwhile Sam sits alone at a table with a milkshake in his hands and a newspaper on the table in front of him. Dean sinks the 8 ball and all six women fall over him. Sam rolls his eyes and catches Dean's attention, motioning for him to come over.
"Dude, why are you always reading in bars? You're never going to get any action like this."
"Dean, use the upstairs brain for a minute…"
"We came here to get you laid, didn't we? Let's do something about that."
"I don't need your pity."
"It's not pity, dude. Six is more than I can handle in one night. Why don't you take one of them off my hands for me?"
"Dude, stop being such a jerk."
"As soon as you stop being a bitch."
"I'm sensing a circle we get ourselves into quite a bit."
"I didn't think we argued this much."
Sam shrugs. "I'm going back to the motel."
Dean rolls his eyes. "That's all the f--- you ever do Sam."
"No it's not!"
"You're such a f---ing pansy."
"Shut up! Why the hell are you being this way?"
"Because I'm an awesome brother and trying to get you f---ing laid for once."
Sam raises an eyebrow. "Dean, what's with the mouth tonight?"
Dean shrugs. "I'm a bad ass."
"Well, I'm leaving." Sam gathers his things and walks out, leaving Dean with more estrogen than he can handle. Sam once again takes on his wet blanket persona as he walks back to the motel room, completely sober, and without an escort. There, he broods.
Scene 3– Mary Sue Who?
Coming across yet another small town that could never be located on a map- and whose coordinates can be traced to somewhere in the Pacific Ocean- by the magic of John Winchester's text message, mysteriously leads the boys to Podunk, USA. Here we find that Sam and Dean stop for coffee and food. As Sam once again looks over a newspaper while they eat, Dean is too busy flirting with the waitress to notice. As Lindsey, the waitress, walks away to get Dean's change, he distractedly turns his attention to Sam.
"Hey Sammy… I was thinking we could stay a night or two." He smiles and winks, further getting his point across.
"Dude… come on. We have to-"
"HELP!" The voice came from outside and immediately the boys were on their feet.
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Within seconds they were out the door, heading in the direction of the voice. Both already had a hand on the guns they had tucked in their jeans waistbands. They round a corner just in time to see a werewolf and a woman backed up against the wall. The boys halt where they are standing.
Sam leans over and whispers, "You got silver bullets in that gun of yours?"
"So college boy, what's your big plan of act-"
"MOVE!" A female voice comes from behind them. Both Sam and Dean turn. "God if you're not going to do something then get out of the way."
Dean raises an eyebrow at that and watches as the woman runs toward the beast, shooting it in the heart with astounding accuracy. The wolf falls to the ground and the woman who was backed against the wall also nearly collapses.
"Thank you so much," the trembling woman says to the shooter.
"That's what I'm here for."
The trembling woman runs off and gets in her car, speeding off into the distance. The shooter walks back over to the boys, a cocky smile in place.
"You're welcome," she says.
"We didn't need your help. We had everything under control." No one made Dean Winchester feel inferior.
"Oh, and I'm sure that's why you both looked like scared children going away on a sleep over for the first time."
Dean raises an eyebrow again. What the hell gave her the nerve? "Excuse me?"
"You heard me," she smiled. "I'm Alex by the way."
"I'm Dean, and this is my brother, Sam. Now that we've got the niceties out of the way, any reason for the attitude or are you always Miss Mary Sunshine?"
"Sounds to me like someone can't handle the fact that the wolf scared them."
Dean rolls his eyes. She obviously didn't know who she was dealing with. "I wasn't scared. Just trying to figure out a way to get the thing away from her without a silver bullet." He pulls out his gun. "Mine's filled with regular rounds."
Alex gives Dean a curious look. "What are you? Some kind of wanna-be hunter?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing," Dean shot back.
"Why don't we hash out the rest of the details over dinner?" Alex asked.
"Unbelievable…" Sam mutters under his breath. "Uhh… Dean? We really need to get going."
Dean wasn't really sure where the hell her question had come from. One minute she was telling him he was a wanna-be hunter and then she asks him out to dinner? It was definitely bizarre.
"Huh? Oh… yeah." He looks back at Alex. "Sorry Sweetheart, I'll have to take a rain check on that dinner."
Sam rolls his eyes, shakes his head and walks back over the Impala to brood over the fact that Dean is more of a player than he is.
Scene 4- Daddy's Home
Dean and Sam make their way back to the motel after their encounter with Alex. They both found her to be too perfect and both were oddly enough attracted to her, despite themselves. In fact, they both would have been caught in an ugly and ungodly love triangle if that werewolf hadn't come back to life and eaten her.
They get to the door and see that it is slightly ajar. Dean takes out his weapon and motions for Sam to take the other side of the door. They burst in with guns drawn and point them at the intruder. They are both surprised to see that it is their father, stripped down to his boxers and enjoying a beer in an easy chair. He looks up momentarily from the TV and nods at the boys.
"Sup, Dad?" Dean asks, grabbing a beer and sitting down beside him to watch TV.
"Well, if it ain't our mangy, transient father. Where have you been, Dad?" Sam asks angrily. "We've been looking for you."
"Sammy, look kiddo, get over it."
Dean taps his father's beer bottle with his. "Good one, Dad."
"I can't stand you, Dad," Sam starts.
"Then why were you looking for me?" John asks, attention still on the television.
Sam ponders that for a second. "Good question. It would be puzzling why I would throw away normalcy and my life to cross the country in severe and passionate pursuit of your ass if I really did hate you."
"See, you love me, now shut up and have a beer. Grey's Anatomy is on."
Sam sits down and they watch TV together.
"Did you get the f---er yet, Dad?" Dean asks during commercial.
"No, and watch your mouth, Son. I didn't raise f---ing hoodlums."
"Do you think we should tell him, Dean?" Sam asks, referring to Sam's nightmares and powers.
"Tell me what?"
"Dammit, Sam," Dean cries. "Now he's going to get on my case for not telling him sooner."
"Dammit, Dean, he needs to know!"
Dean blinks a few times, trying to recover from the over use of exclamation marks.
"Know what?" John asks again.
"I have these visions, Dad."
"Lay off the drugs, Sam."
"No, Dad, listen. And I have these bad headaches."
"Take some Midol."
"Dad! It has something to do with the Demon. I can move things with my mind!"
John pulls a spoon from God knows where. "Bend this."
"I can't just turn it on and off, Dad."
"You know where we need to go?" John started.
"Vegas," Dean and John say in unison.
"I already told him that," Dean smiles at Sam. Sam rolls his eyes.
"Now, seriously, Sam. Why didn't you tell me about this?" John asks. He turns to Dean. "You're supposed to call me when something like this happens."
"I did," Dean whines.
John pulls out his phone and checks. "Shit, 198 missed calls. Sorry 'bout that."
"Yeah, well, work on that, huh?" Sam's intrinsic ire for his father is rising again.
"I don't get this," John shakes his head. "What is this Demon trying to pull? Why haven't we seen the signs earlier?"
John comes in after a hunt, drenched in blood, not his own. Dean, at age 7, greets him at the door and takes his shotgun from him and goes off eagerly to clean it.
"Dad, you are friggin' awesome," Dean smiles.
"I know, kiddo. Nailed a tenth level demon, drug it back here behind my truck. Wanna see?"
"Hells yeah!" Dean runs outside.
John walks into the kitchen and sees Sammy sitting among a pile of bent spoons.
"Hey there, Sammy. Nice pile…of, uh, spoons there, son."
"Dad, there is no spoon," Sam says looking at another spoon in hand. It bends and Sam looks at his father with his cute and nearly perfected puppy-dog eyes.
"That's uh, great, Son." John grabs a beer from the fridge and walks past his son. "Just don't set anything on fire, okay?"
John rubs his eyes and stands up. "Nope…the signs were never there. I will have to look into this, boys."
"Wait, you're not leaving again, are you?" Sam asks.
"Drive safe, Dad," Dean nods at his dad.
"Sure thing, Son. Sammy, I'm going to disappear for a few months. Try not to brood over it. Keep a stiff lip. Oh, and thanks for the beer."
John puts on some clothes and leaves.
A/N: This was all in good fun. Look for part two soon.