Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I don't own the rights to play-dough. I don't own Shark week. I do however own a Naruto manga. I do own LOTS of play-dough. I did watch shark week…and I liked it.
Ok, I am in a CRACK mood. After writing the 6th chapter of Bloody Angel Wings, I need a laugh or two. So SAVOR THE CRACK!
Warning! Fiction may contain disturbing mental images, you may not be into that so yeah…just warning you. And some characters may be a little OC. It's a crack fic, don't take it seriously.
Play-dough and Shark Porn
Deidara sat with golden locks blocking the vision of his left eye, inspecting the yellow plastic cylinder before him. What a peculiar item…this…yellow…tube.
The blond tilted his head to the side as some butter colored tresses slipped off his shoulder, reaching out with a purple painted nail and poked the top, turning it to read the label. Reading it allowed.
Deidara recalled Sasori getting bored of the blond and his constant pestering of him whilst he worked on his beloved puppets, so he pulled from his cloak this mysterious of substances.
"Occupy yourself with it." Sasori said with a dull voice, returning to his work, thinking of more tricks he could put into his favorite puppet, Hiruko, waving Deidara away with the long scorpion tail that peeked out from under his cloak.
And there he was, sitting, staring at this object.
Deidara huffed to himself and took hold of the bottle, raising it up and curling his fingers around the plastic cap that kept him from the contents that lay inside, what could it be?
The artist found his heart pounding in anticipation as he peeled the red cap, a smell reaching his nose, the visible blue eye widening.
With the precision of a brain surgeon he placed the cap to the side, looking at the still red mass inside, it had taken the form of the tube, the smell was enchanting as he stared at it.
"Unnn…." He purred, reaching in and taking it out, squealing in delight as he squished it between his fingers.
"SASORI-DANNA GAVE ME RED CLAY, UNN!" He yelled, a grin plastered on his face as he squished the substance some more, not caring if the entire Akatsuki house could hear his joyful squeals.
Sasori had never given him clay before. Deidara assumed it was because that would mean that Sasori had given into the argument of art being a 'bang', rather then something lasting forever.
The assumption was soon approved as Deidara gave a smug smile and let the mouths in his hands get to work sculpting another explosive masterpiece.
A tongue stuck out of his palm as a childish sculpture hung on it.
"Un…?" Deidara was troubled. How come it turned out so childish? The clay wasn't firm enough and that was that. However Deidara was never one to judge it right away, it was a cute little red bird and he was content as long as it made a large explosion.
The artist placed the bird outside and took a position rather far away. Ready to see what lovely explosion he could make out of this 'play-dough'.
He brought his fingers up and smirked.
Much to his disappointment, it didn't explode. No no, this wasn't the kind of 'clay' that would explode.
This was as it was called, dough. Nothing special about it.
Deidara walked dejectedly back inside with the childish bird in hand, sitting down in his room again with the door wide open.
He found himself stretching and squishing his little sculpture until it was nothing more then a ball of dough.
Something about this though was…horribly fun.
He squished it into a flat circle then rolled it between his hands.
"It's a snake, un!" He giggled twisting it around and then smushing it again.
"Take that, Oreo-chimaru!" The artist laughed at his own joke and squished it more between his fingers. (Somewhere Orochimaru sneezed.)
He started to make small sculptures just to squish them again.
A panda. "SMASH, UN!" He giggled raising his hand and throwing it down on the dough made animal.
A frog. "MWUHA…yeah." Deidara was having way too much fun building up his works and smashing them into a doughy mass.
Several hours passed, leaving him now, with no more ideas.
The smell of the dough was enticing, enthralling and lovely. He raised it up to his nose and took in the smell for several minutes.
A giggle left his lips as he started to feel rather light headed and giggly.
Who knew you could get high off of play-dough?
Deidara pranced though the hallways, giggling madly and throwing bits of the dough around as he went, passing the main room where Itachi sat, dully watching the Discovery Channel, as he often did to gain more knowledge of the "world" around him.
A sigh left the Uchiha's lips as stoic crimson eyes remained fixated on the screen, turning up the sound to drown out the giggles of the blond in the background.
Itachi shifted on the large couch, resting his chin in his palm as he watched the documentary on Sharks.
This was Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. The most dreaded week in Kisame's opinion.
Every year they showed pictures of people CUTTING them open and taking NOTES over the BODIES of the discarded shark. It offended Kisame as every year he demanded Itachi to "turn that shit off." As he would often say.
"You sound like an old woman…" Itachi mumbled, hiding the remote so the disgruntled shark man would leave it alone.
Kisame went into a fit of words as he began to explain his reasoning behind his dislike of the show.
"It's sick and wrong to show the dismembering of what could be a family member of mine on public TV! There could be some serious emotional damage going on and they remain oblivious and continue to show this bull shit!" Kisame yelled, one of his more audible sentences in his fit.
Itachi stood and shrugged. "Your words fall on deaf ears. I killed off my entire clan so I really don't care if it's your family or not. I'm getting a soda…" With those dulled words he left the room and wandered to the Akatsuki kitchen.
Kisame had unknowingly taken a seat in his rage. With a sigh he turned towards the screen, watching as images of a large great white shark swam past the screen.
Kisame shuddered. "She needs to lose some weight…" He tilted his head to the side a little, eyes narrowing at the shark. "Nice dorsal fin though…" The blue man gave his usual toothy grin and watched as a commercial came on.
"Up next on Shark Week, the week gets a little more sensual with, The Anatomy of Shark Sex. Stay Tuned."
Kisame's jaw went slack as he stared at the screen. Two sharks swimming indecently and then the commercial switching to another add.
"Oh…my…god…" He'd seen the stash of porn magazines that Itachi kept under his bed before, though it never really caught his eye quite like this program seemed to.
The shark man's eyes shifted left, then shifted right. He wandered to the door way and peeked out, looking down the hallway.
Itachi had sat down and was having a conversation with Sasori, who had taken a break from installing a rather sinister prank in the abdomen of his Hiruko.
Kisame's head turned down to the left of the hallway.
Deidara stood just outside of his room, having found several more bottles of his newest obsession, he now had blue, green and yellow play dough to go with his red. A low and almost evil laugh emitted from the blond as he locked himself inside his room.
Kisame then looked to the window just off to the right of Deidara's room. Zetsu stood by the window in a trace, yellow eyes wide as his flytrap remained rather widely opened, absorbing the sunlight.
"Pst…Zetsu…what are you doing?" Kisame whispered impatiently, looking at the plant.
Zetsu's answer came muttered as he didn't move. "Eating…photosynthesis…."
Kisame grinned. It would be at least two or three hours before Zetsu was shaken out of his trance.
Hidan and Kakuzu were on a mission so there was nothing to worry about there and no one ever saw Sir Leader during the day. This was his chance to enjoy some high quality shark porn.
Kisame nestled himself happily in front of the TV as the show he awaited for so patiently came on. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. The pleasure was about to begin.
Itachi sipped his coke as he nodded at Sasori's words. He was the only other member of the Akatsuki he could really have an in depth conversation with, though the loud cackles of Deidara in the background were becoming annoying fast.
"I suppose I could return to my program. Enjoy working on your puppet, Sasori-kun…I expect to see it when you're finished." Itachi stood, taking his drink with him.
Sasori gave a simple answer of "Hn." And wandered back to his workroom. Almost regretting giving the blond the play-dough as he listened to the laughs that echoed through the mansion.
Itachi's steps seemed to come in slow motion as the sound of a muffled moan came from the living room. He slowly rounded the corner, as though in a horror movie everything came in slow motion.
Hoshigaki Kisame. Masturbating to a documentary on sharks having sex.
Itachi wished to god he didn't have his Sharingan up because now he knew the mental images wouldn't leave any time soon. His drink hit the floor as the can made a loud clatter, standing in a deadpan crimson stare.
"So much for not liking shark week." He muttered, raising his hands to his eyes and cringing, walking calming and mortified back to his room to stab his eyes out.
Kisame just cleaned the mess left in the wake of Itachi's drink and his own…ahem wake.
He was glad he'd recorded it for future viewings as the show was very good.
"I hate porn that has a 'plot'." He sighed, wandering to his room for the night apparently the show got straight to the point and was right up his alley.
Evil laughs echoed from the blond artist's room as they were soon muffled when Sasori entered the room. Kisame wasn't the only one who was going to get some kind of pleasure tonight. Yes this was Sasori's way of shutting Deidara up.
Just another day in the Akatsuki mansion.
There you go. Something comical and silly. Riddled with images that would burn your eyes out unless you were into that kind of thing. :3 There maybe sequels in the works…MAYBE. If I get nice reviews I may be…persuaded. HINT HINT.
I love you all, thanks for the support. Please review.