Motoko Aoyama: Heya! It's been a long time since I've updated this story. Before I apologize for my late update and give the vocabulary of this chapter, please allow me to thank all my reviewers: DarkSetsuna-Chan (the story won't be ending anytime soon, so please keep on reading!), Silent Kunoichi aka. Fiona, Gaignun Girl, Seriously Yours, EHEHEHE, Startsky Chan, pinoykengumi7 (thanks for picking out my spelling mistake! It's gomenasai for me, haha), Uchiha Yumi, JapanCat (it'll be fixed in this chapter), Satan Hat (I know she isn't a seated officer in canon, but this is a fanfic, so yeah…), CB (ok…I DO keep up with the Bleach manga. I DO know Rukia isn't a seated officer, but this story isn't canon because otherwise I'll be making a gazillion dollars, right? Sorry for my frustration, but I'm just really tired of people telling me what is SUPPOSED to happen. I mean, telling me that a character is OOC is fine, giving plot suggestions is fine too, but telling me what the plot is SUPPOSED to be like is just too much), Shikabane-Mai and obsessed dreamer. Sorry for my little lash out there regarding the "Rukia isn't even a seated officer so she can't be a vice captain" thingy there. I'm actually not quite in a good mood currently…that's why I'm writing a funny fanfic. I just hope that people would recognize that this is a fanfic and if everything must be canon, then it is obvious that Byakuya won't use red peppered shampoo and Nemu won't own a kenseikan testing machine… Anyhow, I apologize for my bad manners and late update. Hopefully, that hasn't deterred you from reading on. If it has, then I must apologize again. Sorry for the long rant, here is the vocab:
Jigokucho: Hell's butterfly
Gikongan: Soul candy
Ichigo (the fruit): strawberry
Denreishinki: the shinigami cell phone thingy
Kidou: demon arts, shinigami spells techniques
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, this story isn't canon, do not attempt any of the kenseikan-making methods described in this fic…it is not…err…healthy…
Chapter 4: Kenseikan Makeover Part 3 – Unexpected Hero
A very grumpy Kuchiki Rukia stuck out her zanpakutou and ripped apart the door that opened up in the real world. The jigokucho fluttered away quickly in order to avoid the ominously glinting white sword.
"How dare he…" the shinigami muttered, her voice trembling in anger. As the remnants of the paper door fell to the ground, it revealed the item she carried with her other hand…
A pack of water soluble paint.
DUN DUN DUN…
The sound of impending doom rang in Ichigo's room. He shot up on his bed and twisted his head 360 degrees to scan for dangers. There was nothing. He thought that he was having a nightmare (but he recalled dreaming of burning all the Chappy the Rabbit gikongan so that can't be it…), so he convinced himself to lie down again.
DUN DUN DUN…
The moment he laid down, the sound came again. Was it because he was slightly drowsy? Was it because he was sleepwalking or something along those lines? He shrugged and lay back down.
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
The sound was so loud and repetitive that it can no longer be classified as the sound of impending doom, but rather, the most annoying and ridiculous sound on this Earth. There was no doubt that Ichigo was fully awake by now. That sound was real. It was somebody…somebody annoying…like a certain raven-haired shinigami who trampled into his life in a most unexpected manner, then trampled away in the exact same way.
He tried to scream out her name, but his voice was cut off when a pack of water-soluble paint smacked his handsome face (well, he thinks it is handsome, or rather, he thinks she thinks it is handsome…). Lying back from the concussion, he got his back stabbed by the glass shards that had fallen from the shattered windows. As if that weren't enough, the petite shinigami bounded up the two-storey house, through the window, and landed right on his stomach with her zanpakutou on his neck.
"How dare you, you orange-haired, whacky, stupid, dense strawberry (ichigo)!" Rukia yelled into his ears.
"I'm not a strawberry! Do I look like I have green hair and red-pink skin?" Ichigo snapped.
Rukia conveniently picked up the pack of water soluble paint that had fallen off his face and smudged green paint on his hair and red paint on his face.
"Now you do."
"So you tried to use water soluble paint to paint a pasta kenseikan?"
"A PASTA kenseikan?"
He laughed. She smacked him again.
"But what does that have to do with me?"
"Because YOU were the one who gave me the paint."
"But you were the one who's so stupid to not read 'water soluble'"
She smacked him once more.
"Fine, fine. It is my fault then, but what was that DUN DUN DUN sound anyway?"
"It is the 'sound of impending doom' ring tone of my denreishinki. I specifically bought that ring tone for good bucks just to frighten you."
He laughed. She smacked him another time. I'm running out of words to describe this, so let's just assume that Rukia smacks him continuously unless otherwise stated.
"And why did you throw that box of paint on my face? I thought you thought my face is handsome!"
"Well, it's your fault for thinking that I think your face is handsome. Next time, you must think that I think your face is not handsome. Otherwise I'll smack it until it is gruesome so that you would think I think your face is gruesome."
"Can you stop with the I think you think I think thing?"
Obviously that earned him a smack, but then again, it is assumed, right?
The hunt was on. In order to prevent his face from swelling due to continuous smacks, Ichigo reluctantly agreed to help Rukia look for a suitable material to repair the rainy day kenseikan. With a flashlight in hand (he attempted one of Rukia's kidou things but upon blowing up half his room, he figured that human technology is safest) he sneaked down the halls of his house with the shinigami. Coming into the sisters' room, Rukia grabbed a glue stick from the top of their desk.
"What is this?"
"A glue stick."
"I mean what is it, not what is the name!"
"It is a stick of glue!"
"So what does it do?"
"It glues things…"
"So why isn't my hand glued now?"
"You have to take off the top, Idiot…"
Rukia took off the top and experimented with it on Ichigo's lips, gluing them shut.
"We could use this as a kenseikan after we hollow out the glue!" Rukia exclaimed.
"Umm…ummumm..UUUUUUMMMM!" Ichigo struggled to speak.
"I guess not. It might glue nii-sama's beautiful hair."
Rukia picked up another item off their desk. It was a giant stick-shaped eraser.
"What is this?"
"An eraser." Ichigo answered upon finally freeing his lips from the monstrous glue.
"I know what it does! It erases! Am I smart?"
"So that means I can't use it as a kenseikan because it would erase the blackness of nii-sama's beautiful hair."
Ichigo almost burst out laughing, so he tried to follow Rukia's logic, but imagining Byakuya with a streak of white hair like a pop star is even funnier than erasing hair color!
"Lalala, lalala…I erased my hair…falalala…"
Ichigo laughed and was smacked again.
Finally coming out of the sisters' rooms without a finding, they proceeded to Ichigo's father's room. Jumping in joy, Rukia came upon a long, rubber object sitting on the cabinet beside the bed.
"What is this!?!"
"Something that you shouldn't know about."
"It is something that you shouldn't know about, so don't ask!"
"At least tell me what it is for!"
"Idiot, this fic is rated T! If I explain in detail, it would make this fic rated mature!"
"But you're fifteen, right? That isn't mature…"
"That is beside the point!"
"Well, I won't force it out of you then. I'll just take it and shape it into the kenseikan."
Ichigo couldn't imagine Byakuya wearing THAT thing on his head.
"You can't. My dad bought it for my sister, it is just that I won't allow him to give it to her because she is still too young to…err…use it."
"You say no to this, no to that…it is pissing me off! At least tell me the name of this material!" Rukia nearly shouted.
"It's…err…ah…" Ichigo struggled, "a dildo."
Ichigo dragged Rukia out of the room before she found any more items that could potentially cause this fic to be taken off the site. After a tiring search, they settled in the living room and watched some late night TV to get some…inspiration.
The program they happened to be watching was…English-subbed Bleach.
"Hey, isn't that me? Why is my voice so squeaky?" Rukia exclaimed.
"Don't ask me! Can't you hear what happened to my voice?" Ichigo grumbled.
"Oh well, I love the sound effects for the smacking."
A real and virtual smack sounded simultaneously.
"Oh…how come I disappeared?" Rukia asked.
"Because it is the commercials…"
They watched the first commercial where a bunch of kids were holding onto white remote controls and slashing at imaginary things in the air that is supposed to let them simulate the fighting of shinigami. Ichigo was in no shock, but Rukia sighed.
"Has schizophrenia become the latest trend?" she asked.
"I'm surprised you know what schizophrenia is…" Ichigo replied.
The next commercial showed a package of long, white things which is promoted to be able to withstand high amounts of fluid and has a good fitting that makes it very comfortable. Rukia leaped up from the couch and started to attack the TV with her zanpakutou.
"What the fuck are you doing!?!" Ichigo yelled.
"I'm trying to dig up that package of things!" Rukia replied.
"Idiot, you can't dig up things from the TV!"
Rukia ignored him.
"Here, come with me," Ichigo snapped, dragging her to the washroom. From the cabinet, he grabbed a pack of Karin's tampons and threw it into Rukia's face.
"Is that what you want?"
"Good, now get the hell out of my house!"
Thus, our kenseikan-repairing mission finally concludes with the appearance of the superhero: Tampon-san. Hollowing it out, gluing it onto the rest of the kenseikan with natto slime, the rainy day kenseikan is once again in its wondrous glory.
The white noodles swayed proudly atop the noble's head with his every movement, guarding his hair from messiness. It is highly resistant to water and has excellent fit that makes it extremely comfortable. It displayed his nobleness in its every strand. It made him proud of himself.
But Byakuya felt a little strange on this fateful rainy day.
It seemed as though he smelled slightly strange. Maybe it was the nattos in his breakfast.
But why did one strand of his kenseikan seem to have bloated?
Maybe it just absorbed a bit of his strong reiatsu…
In the mean time, Karin thought that their house was broken into last night…
Or worse yet, a family member developed some very strange behaviour…
End of Chapter
Motoko Aoyama: Sorry for the randomness! I just wrote down whatever came to my mind and it got a little…err…weird. Oh well, I hope it was humorous and it helped make you day! Thanks for reading! Any comments, suggestions, notes saying you've read this, constructive criticism is welcomed, so please be supportive and leave a review behind! Next Chapter: A new colourful Kuchiki episode is about to begin! How can Byakuya and company protect Rukia while she attends a convention…not just any ordinary convention, but a cosplay event?