AN: This is the 2015 revised version of this fic. Hope the little fixes will make this easier to read. On a last note, it seems that my prediction back in 2007 of Rukia becoming vice captain did come true. I'm not psychic. I just made a logical guess.
Chapter 4: Kenseikan Makeover Part 3 – Unexpected Hero
A very grumpy Rukia stuck out her zanpakutou and slashed apart the portal to the human world. The jigokucho fluttered quickly away to avoid the ominously glinting white sword.
"How dare he…" the shinigami muttered, her voice trembling in anger. She stepped past remnants of the paper door, revealing the item in her other hand…
A pack of water soluble paint.
DUN DUN DUN…
The sound of impending doom rang in Ichigo's room. He shot up from his bed and twisted his head around to scan for dangers. There was nothing. Maybe it was just a nightmare (but he recalled dreaming of burning all the Chappy the Rabbit gikongan, so that can't be it…), so he convinced himself to lie down again.
DUN DUN DUN…
The moment he laid down, the sound came again. He looked around. Still nothing. Was this real? He must be too tired, seeing as he was hallucinating things. Better catch up on more sleep.
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!
The sound was so loud and repetitive that it could no longer be classified as the "sound of impending doom", but rather, the "sound of utmost irritation". There was no doubt Ichigo was fully awake now. That sound was real. It was somebody…somebody annoying…like a certain raven-haired shinigami who had rudely trampled into his life to stay.
He tried to scream her name, but his voice was cut off by a pack of water-soluble paint smacking his handsome face (well, he thought it was handsome, or rather, he thought she thought it was handsome…). Falling back from the concussion, he was jabbed by glass shards from his shattered window. As if that weren't enough, the young shinigami bounded up the two-storey house, through said window, and landed right on his stomach with her zanpakutou on his neck.
"How dare you, you orange-headed, flat-faced, rotten strawberry!" Rukia yelled into his ears.
"I'm not a strawberry! You just said I have orange hair! You seen orange-haired strawberries?"
Rukia conveniently picked up the pack of water soluble paint that had fallen off his face and smudged green paint on his head.
"Now you have leaves."
"So you tried to use water soluble paint to paint a pasta kenseikan?"
"A pasta kenseikan?"
He laughed. She smacked him.
"But what does that have to do with me?"
"Because you gave me the paint!"
"But you were the one too stupid to read the label."
She smacked him once more.
"Fine, fine. It is my fault then, but what was that DUN DUN DUN sound anyway?"
"It is the 'sound of impending doom' ring tone on my denreishinki. I specifically bought it for good bucks to frighten you."
He laughed. She smacked him another time. I'm running out of words to describe this, so let's just assume Rukia smacked him continuously unless otherwise stated.
"And why did you throw that box of paint on my face? I thought you thought my face is handsome!"
"Well, it's your fault for thinking that I think your face is handsome. Next time, you must think that I think your face is not handsome. Otherwise I'll smack it until it is gruesome so you would think I think your face is gruesome."
"Can you stop with the 'I think you think I think' thing?"
Obviously that earned him a smack, but then again, it is assumed, right?
The hunt was on. In order to prevent his face from swelling due to continuous smacks, Ichigo reluctantly agreed to help Rukia look for a suitable material to repair the rainy day kenseikan. With a flashlight in hand (he attempted one of Rukia's kidou things but upon blowing up half his room, he figured human technology was the more reliable option) he sneaked down the halls of his house with the shinigami. Coming into the sisters' room, Rukia grabbed a glue stick from the top of their desk.
"What is this?"
"A glue stick."
"I mean what is it? Not what is the name!"
"It is a stick of glue?"
"So what does it do?"
"It glues things?"
"So why isn't my hand glued now?"
"You have to take off the cap, Idiot…"
Rukia took off the cap and experimented on Ichigo's lips, gluing them shut.
"We could use this as a kenseikan after we hollow out the glue!" Rukia exclaimed.
"Umm…ummumm..UUUUUUMMMM!" Ichigo struggled to speak.
"I guess not. It might glue Nii-sama's beautiful hair."
Rukia picked up another item off their desk. It was a giant stick-shaped eraser.
"What is this?"
"An eraser," Ichigo answered upon finally freeing his lips from the monstrous glue.
"I know what it does! It erases! Am I smart?"
"So that means I can't use it as a kenseikan because it would erase the blackness of Nii-sama's beautiful hair."
Ichigo almost burst out laughing upon imagining Byakuya with a streak of white hair. Wouldn't that be like one of those cool guys from a J-pop boy band? This was even funnier than Rukia's nonsensical logic!
Rukia smacked him again.
Finally coming out of the sisters' room without a finding, they proceeded to Ichigo's father's room. Jumping in joy, Rukia came upon a long, rubber object sitting on the cabinet beside the bed.
"What is this!?"
"Something you shouldn't know about."
"It is something you shouldn't know about, so don't ask!"
"At least tell me what it is for!"
"Idiot, this fic is rated T! If I explain in detail, it would make this fic rated mature!"
"But you're fifteen, right? That isn't mature…"
"That is besides the point!"
"Well, I won't force it out of you then. I'll just take it and shape it into the kenseikan."
Ichigo couldn't imagine Byakuya wearing that on his head.
"You can't. My dad bought it for my sister, it is just that I won't allow him to give it to her because she is still too young to…err…use it."
"You say no to this, no to that…it is pissing me off! At least tell me the name of this material!" Rukia nearly shouted.
"It's…err…ah…" Ichigo struggled, "a dildo."
Ichigo dragged Rukia out of the room before she found any more items that could potentially cause this fic to be taken off the site. After a tiring search, they settled in the living room and watched some late night TV for inspiration.
The program they happened to be watching was…English-dubbed Bleach.
"Hey, isn't that me? Why is my voice so squeaky?" Rukia exclaimed.
"Don't ask me! Can't you hear what happened to my voice?" Ichigo grumbled.
"Oh well, I love the sound effects for the smacking."
A real and virtual smack sounded simultaneously.
"Oh…how come I disappeared?" Rukia asked.
"Because it's the commercials…"
They watched the first commercial where a bunch of kids were slashing white remote controls at the air in what was supposed to be a simulation for shinigami sword fighting. Ichigo was in no shock, but Rukia sighed.
"Has schizophrenia become the latest trend?" she asked.
"I'm surprised you know what schizophrenia is…"
The next commercial showed a package of long, white things promoted to be highly absorbent and had a perfect, comfortable fit. Rukia leapt up from the couch and started to attack the TV with her zanpakutou.
"What the fuck are you doing!?" Ichigo yelled.
"I'm trying to dig up that package!"
"You can't dig things up from the TV!"
Rukia ignored him.
"Here, come with me," Ichigo snapped, dragging her to the washroom. From the cabinet, he grabbed a pack of Karin's tampons and threw it into Rukia's face.
"Is that what you want?"
"Good, now get the hell out of my house!"
Thus, our kenseikan-repairing mission finally concluded with the appearance of the superhero: Tampon-san. Hollowing it out, gluing it onto the rest of the kenseikan with natto slime, the rainy day kenseikan was once again restored to its wondrous glory.
The white noodles swayed proudly atop the noble's head with his every movement, guarding his hair from messiness. They were highly resistant to water and had an excellent fit that made his hair sing in comfort. It displayed his nobleness in every tube.
He was very proud of himself.
But Byakuya felt a little strange on this fateful rainy day...
Something smelled a little off. Maybe it was the natto he had for breakfast.
But why did one strand of his kenseikan seem to have bloated?
Maybe it just absorbed a bit of his strong reiatsu…
Meanwhile, Karin wondered if a thief broke in last night…
Worse yet, there was a pervert in the family.
- End -