Eh...didn't turn out as good as I wanted it too. Really I don't know what was going through my head, when I wrote this.


He wasn't really sure when it had all started. He supposed it was during the bell test. The moment when Kakashi shoved his fingers up his ass doing that thousand years of pain thing. Though it is hard to know for sure. Because after that it was a few months before Kakashi did anything to him again.

They were in the tea country, when Kakashi first approached him with that look in his eyes. A look of hunger, want and desire. And what did Naruto do? He let him in. Despite the screaming beast in his head, he let the copy nin have his way with him. He convinced himself that the older man did indeed love him. That this was right. Because it couldn't be wrong. But he felt so dirty every time.

He had been twelve or was it thirteen? He couldn't remember. He just remembered that they had been in the tea country. And it had happened at night. It was the night after their chakra tree climbing exercise. He had stayed out in the forest alone late. Or at least he thought he had been alone. He was never one to be on top of things. Speaking of being on top of things, Kakashi liked to be on top. But to get back to things. Kakashi had come up from behind him, wrapping his arms around the boy's waist and lifting him off his feet. The blonde had struggled at first, but then Kakashi began to whisper into his ears. He relaxed and shifted to look up at his sensei.

His blue eyes stared at the man wondering. Kakashi stared back at him with that look in his eyes. That look of desire, want and need. And Naruto, being so desperate for love and companionship ignored the look. Special, private training. That is what the man told the boy. And of course Naruto was always wanting to have special training. He wanted to get ahead of Sasuke. Beating Sasuke was what mattered to him.

It hurt. It hurt very badly. He had had no time to prepare. Not that he would have known how to prepare for that. There was no lubrication used. No sweet words or even foreplay. It was just Kakashi hitting him hard from behind. Ramming into him with no remorse. Naruto had cried out, tears had streamed down his face. He struggled and tried to pull away, asking Kakashi to stop. However the jounin, held tightly to the genin and assured him that this would make him stronger. When the copy nin was spent, he cupped Naruto's chin in his hand, placing a chaste kiss on the blonde's lips with the words "Our secret."

And so, Naruto stayed quiet. He convinced himself that this is the way it was suppose to be. That nothing was wrong. That it felt right. Then the chuunin exams arrived and Kakashi had entered in team 7. Naruto being Naruto flung himself on his sensei and hugged him, saying something about love. And he meant it with every fiber of his being and with every part of his soul. He meant it and he didn't know why.

He had never felt so betrayed and unloved in his life, when Kakashi had passed him off to Ebisu. Never had he felt more like trash then at that moment. That was when he had felt the dirtiest. A dirty filthy whore. He wondered if he was no longer good enough, perhaps he should have been more like Sasuke. He felt like screaming and beating the silver haired man. But he could never bring himself to it.

It's funny, when, after Sasuke had left the village (and he knew his heart had been broken twice.), Kakashi had carried him home, even refusing to let the medic nins take him. He had felt…felt…felt so safe. Even though inside he felt dead. He felt as if just being in Kakashi's arms, everything would be right.

He left. For three years, Naruto wandered around with Jiraiya. He felt free, never relaxed, but free. He thought about Sasuke. Worked hard for Sasuke, but pushed aside any thoughts of Kakashi. He wanted to leave the past in the past. Sometimes he felt like telling his relationship with Kakashi to Jiraiya. Sometimes he wanted to write Sakura a letter and tell her about it. He never did, knowing that no one would believe him. He had hinted at it a few times to Iruka. But that was all before he had left home and he wasn't sure if Iruka had understood, what Naruto had been getting at.

And two almost three later, when Kakashi tells him, he wants to do special training with him. He agrees and looks forward to it. Because it can't be wrong.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry for making Kakashi...well...a rapists. Blame the plot bunny that resides in my head.