A/N: I know, I know; not another ToS parody. Let me just say that this one is different. I won't be making fun of the plotholes or giving everyone crack titles or making fun of certain characters simply because I hate them. Hell, I make fun of everybody. You could call this story a novelization, if it weren't completely ridiculous.
I have no intention of insulting you or your mother. Enjoy!
The Idiot's Guide to World Regeneration
By Mandi Minamoto
1Once upon a time, there was this big-ass tree that was the source of all mana. But then it died, and a heroic hero sacrificed his life to take its place. For some reason that seemed to work with everyone. But then the Goddess got all bitchy and flew up unto the heavens. "Catch me if you can!" she called to the angels, who decided to get the Chosen to do it for them. The Chosen One trudged up this huge tower that reached unto the heavens.
And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world.
"Lloyd Irving, wake up!" a shriek tore it's way through the innocent little village of Iselia. The poor townspeople cowered in it's wake, clutching at their tainted ears. What was the source of this terrible noise? Some new, vicious form of monster, come to reign terror upon the innocent village?
Nah, it was just Professor Sage.
"God dammit, Lloyd!" she shrieked again. Unfortunately, the voice that was making her student's ears bleed seemed unheard by the sleeping teen in the back row. How did he manage to sleep standing, anyway? And with two full buckets of water in his hands, as well.
Exasperated, Professor Sage tried a new tactic. She reached for the nearest object - a chalkboard eraser, as it happened - and threw it at his forehead. Hard. Miraculously, the brown-haired youth slept on. Professor Sage tried throwing various other objects, including pencils, books, a bowling ball, and her little brother Genis. Then, as she lifted his now-empty desk over her enraged head, Lloyd Irving snapped awake.
"Oh, Professor Sage," he said, seemingly undisturbed by the fact that his teacher was towering over him with a desk held above her head. "Eh, is class over?"
Professor Sage groaned. She seemed to deflate to the size and temper of a normal teacher, and placed her terrified brother back in his seat before turning back to the front of the classroom.
"Ugh, never mind. Let's have someone else answer the question," she cast her gaze around the room. To his horror, the Professor's eyes landed on Genis, who squeaked in terror and tried to hide behind his books. "Genis, how about you?"
"Y-y-y-yes, dearest sister Raine," he stammered. He tried standing up, but his poor legs had been reduced to jelly, and he fell to the floor in a quivering blue and white heap. He called up from there instead;
"Mithos, the hero, brought an end to the ancient war in the holy ground of Kharlan,"
"Very good," Raine said, tossing her little brother a cookie. "Then Mithos the hero made a pact with the Goddess Martel, who sealed away the Desians whom caused the war."
"But Professor Saaaaage," Lloyd whined from the back of the room. Every student turned their terrified eyes to the Professor. Before she could cause anyone physical pain, however, Lloyd continued. "Now the Desians are back and are causing everyone to suffer!"
"Shut up Lloyd," said Raine. "We covered that last time, remember? I know it's a major important theme and all, but I only decided to teach you about it last week. When the Summon Spirit's seals weaken, the Desians reappear,"
"Oh, yeah," Lloyd shrugged. "Say, what class is this, anyway? What the hell are we learning about?"
Raine ignored his last comment and continued her lecture. "Now, Chosen one, Colette," she addressed a silly little girl in the third row with the IQ of a brick. A pretty brick.
"Yes ma'am?" brick girl answered cheerfully.
"Tell us about the journey of world Regeneration,"
"It's a journey to seal the Desians," said Colette happily. "When the summon spirits wake up, the Goddess awakens and mana is restored." She cocked her head thoughtfully. "And that has something to do with the Desians. I guess. What a...mess..." The girl clapped her hands to her mouth and giggled insanely. "Look! I'm a poet, and I didn't know it!"
"Er, yeah," Professor Raine spoke over the crazy little Chosen's squeals. "The Desians use all sorts of crazy mana in their ranch. This sucks for us, because lack of mana is the cause of recent food shortages and drought."
As Raine continued her lecture, Colette's mind traveled quickly from cookies to butterflies to Lloyd's gravity-defying hair. She turned to look at him, and he caught her gaze and grinned. She would have smiled back, but her mind had finally settled on pretty flowers. So, she turned around and sat back in her seat, leaving Lloyd slightly confused.
"Now, for the next question," Raine called loudly. And for the Professor, loudly was very very very loud. Surprised, Lloyd jumped backwards and knocked his elbow against a switch behind him. Bright lights flooded the room, blinding a poor kid who had glanced at the ceiling at that very moment. In an effort to block out the glaring light, Lloyd raised his hands over his eyes.
Unfortunately, he forgot about the buckets of water he was holding. The buckets flew through the air, drenching half the class and landing on two very unlucky students. Screams quickly erupted throughout the room.
"I'm blind! I'm blind!"
"It's the Apocalypse!"
"I'm drowning! I don't wanna dieeee!"
The students ran from the room using every and all means possible, including running out the door, breaking through the windows, and shooting holes through the walls with Professor Raine's authentic ancient war cannon.
"Hey, that's an authentic ancient war relic!!" Raine hollered, but no one paid her any mind. Soon, the room was empty of everyone save Lloyd - whose eyes were still covered by his hands - Colette - who sat in her seat humming merrily - Genis - whose legs refused to work - and Raine - who was running her hands over the ancient war canon nervously.
"Sorry everybody!" Lloyd said, chuckling as he turned off the very very very bright lights. "I accidentally hit this switch here!" He laughed loudly. Just then, another very very very bright light shone in through the window.
"AAUGH!" Lloyd cried. "It's the Apocalypse! Run for it!" Before he made it out the door, however, Professor Sage grabbed him by his long white scarf.
"Chill out; that's just the light from the magical temple over there, signifying that the Oracle has come to receive Colette, who will now embark on a dangerous and angsty journey of woe and betrayal to save the world."
"Oh, OK," said Lloyd.
"I'd better go check it out," said Raine. "Colette, you stay here, because you are too stupid for these kinds of things. The rest of you, stay here and think,"
After a moment of thinking, however, Lloyd's head began to ache, so he walked to the door.
"Hey, hold on Lloyd!" cried Genis, who suddenly regained use of his legs and leapt in front of his friend. "Raine said not to leave! I don't . . . want to . . . upset . . . Raine . . . " Genis shuddered.
"Aw, c'mon Genis," said Lloyd. "I wanna know what's going on at the temple. We're best friends, right? Don't you wanna come with me?"
"No, I don't'!" Genis huffed. Lloyd glared at him.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Lloyd shouted, waving his hands at his friend's face.
There was a moment of silence.
"Uh, Lloyd . . . ?"
"Er, uh, Hey Colette!" Lloyd turned around to face his clueless friend, who glanced up from her desk. "Wanna come with me and Genis?"
"Uh, OK," said Colette. She walked over to stand beside them. "So, where to?"
"Weren't you listening at all??" Lloyd cried, waving his arms wildly. Colette shook her head.
"Me and Genis are going to the temple!"
"No, we're not!" Genis yelled, but Lloyd ignored him.
"Aren't you curious?" he asked the blonde.
"Uhh, are you curious?" She cocked her head like a confused little puppy.
"OK, then I'll be curious too!"
Lloyd grinned and turned to Genis. "See? 'Dwarven Vow Numbeh Four: Don't depend on others. Walk on your own two legs'"
Genis groaned. "Lloyd, that doesn't even make sense."
"Whatever. C'mon, let's go!"
And so the happy trio started on their epic quest to the Martel Temple.
"Uh, something seems strange," said Lloyd as they stepped into the sunlit street of Iselia. It was quiet. Too quiet.
"It's quiet," said Lloyd. "Too quiet."
"Quiet?" Colette looked thoughtful. "Quiet . . . rhymes with . . . buy it."
"Uhh . . . say, isn't that Frank coming this way?"
Sure enough, Frank walked up to the happy little group.
"Father!" cried Colette, as if she were shocked to see him.
"Frank!" cried Genis, as if he was shocked to see him.
"Yo." Said Frank. "You guys, the Desians attacked a minute ago."
"Omigosh! That's terrible!" Colette clapped her hands over her mouth.
"Yeah, they broke the Non Aggression Treaty and everything . . . it really sucks."
"The Non Aggression Treaty, Frank?" Lloyd repeated. "You mean the treaty that says the Desians won't attack us if we don't attack them, Frank?"
"Uh, yeah, that's kinda the only Non Aggression Treaty there is," said Genis, giving Lloyd an oh-my-goddess-you're-so-stupid-I-can't-believe-I'm-talking-to-you look.
"Don't worry, Daddy, I'll go to the temple now," said Colette.
"OK, I'll stay in the house like the boring old man that I am," with that, Frank turned towards his house. "Try not to die, OK, Colette?"
"OMYGODDESS, FRANK!!" Lloyd suddenly cried. "Is that- do you have- a... a moustache, Frank??"
"Why, yes," said Frank, stroking his moustache with two fingers. Lloyd gaped at him and his moustache.
"I've lost all respect for you, Frank."
Frank started crying, so Lloyd and company hurried away. But then they ran into a monster!!!
"Ohemgee!" said Colette. "It's a scary floating skull with pink eyes! Double-u-tee-eff?"
"C'mon guys, we can take him!" said Lloyd, flexing his muscles impressively.
"But Lloyd, don't forget what the Professor taught us about fighting!"
The floating skull monster floated patiently as Genis and Colette explained how to fight to Lloyd, who was the only one carrying a real weapon anyway. Then they killed the monster.
"w00t! We kick ass!" Lloyd cheered. "Good thing I've got this exshpere that's poorly covered up by this big band-aid and that makes me really really strong!"
"Yeah," said Colette.
"Let's just go," said Genis.
So they goed.
"So, this is the temple?" asked Lloyd.
"Duh," said Genis. They stood before the temple. Duh. It was up on a really steep hill, so they started up the stairs to the front door.
"Say, it's kinda noisy up there, huh?" said Colette. They all listened carefully to the crashes, roars, and shrieks of agony that were coming from the temple.
"Yeah, I guess so," said Lloyd. Just then, an old guy fell off the cliff overhead and landed right in front of them.
"Hey, it's Pastor Bob!" said Genis. "Hey, dude, are you alright?" Considering that the Pastor was sawed practically in two, that may or may not have been a stupid question.
"The Desians... attacked..." he stammered.
"Yeah, I know that already," said Lloyd rudely. "Let's move on, shall we, old man?" But then Pastor Bob died. "Damn! This sucks!"
So, Lloyd and company continued trudging up the very very steep steps.
"Where is the Chosen?" asked a half-elf with pointy hair calmly, as if he hadn't just killed about ten priests whilst laughing maniacally.
The old lady he'd addressed, Phaidra, didn't answer. She was a bit creeped out by the half-elf who had just killed about ten priests whilst laughing maniacally.
The half-elf thought that the old lady was kind of ugly, so he decided to kill her. But, before he could, he was ever-so-rudely interrupted.
"Lord Botta, you idiot," said one of his random underlings. "The Chosen's right behind you. Turn around, stupid,"
"Eh??" Lord Botta turned to see a cute little blonde girl chase a butterfly up the stairs towards him.
"Oh, hello!" she waved energetically. "Hey, Gramma, who's your friend? Ohemgee!" she clapped her hands over her mouth, so that she almost swallowed the butterfly she'd caught. "Is he your boyfriend? Eeeew, old people love!" Botta opened his mouth to correct her, but he was ever-so-rudely interrupted again when two boys followed the blonde chick.
"Lloyd! Lloyd! You should of heard Gramma just describe her intense sex life with this old guy! It was insane!"
"Eeew!" said Lloyd. "Old people sex!"
Botta tried to speak again, but the pair continued talking.
"Yeah, she was totally going into detail, you should've heard her!"
Botta had a really great speech planned for the moment he was to kill the Chosen, but since the pair seemed to have no intention of shutting up, he decided to just do away with her quickly. He barked an order to his underlings. They unsheathed their weapons and circled the Chosen and her buddies, blocking all means of escape.
At last, Lloyd snapped away from the conversation.
"I won't let you Desians get away with anything!" he growled, pulling out his right sword.
"Desians?" the random underling chuckled evilly. "You think we're Desians?"
"Well..." Lloyd scratched his head, confused. "I did, until you chuckled like that..."
Botta groaned. "You idiot! You'll blow our cover!" he snarled, smacking his underling's helmeted head. There was a loud clang! - Botta was sure he'd broken his fingers. "DAMMIT!" he screamed in agony, falling to the ground whilst tenderly sucking his injured digits.
So, the would-be Desians attacked Lloyd and company without their boss, but got their asses kicked.
"Eh... retreat!" hollered one, and the rest followed.
"Woohoo! We rock!" Genis did a little dance. But his happiness was cut short when a really, really, really fat guy with a mace stomped before him.
"Do not get in our way!" he thundered. The very earth shook beneath his feet, sending poor little Genis flying.
"Holy shit!" cried Lloyd, who just managed to catch Genis before he went flying off the hill. "This guy's tough!"
"Yeah!" agreed Colette, turning to face Lloyd. Lloyd looked back, and they shared a dramatic moment of angst. Then Genis, who was cowering in Lloyd's arms, screamed. The big fat guy had taken advantage of their drama and swung his mace at them. Lloyd squeezed his eyes shut and held out Genis as a shield, but-
All looked up to see a purple clad man, a big ole' steel sword in his hand. The fat guy lay on the ground; apparently knocked over by the amazing force of this guy's right arm.
"Omigod, you saved us!" cried Colette.
"Who are you?" asked Lloyd.
The man gave them a really scary look. Genis started crying. "Get out of the way," he said.
"But we're not in yo-" Lloyd broke off as the man leapt at the fat guy.
The following scene was so graphic, it would be best not to describe. Lloyd sat with his mouth agape, Colette was sick in the corner, and Genis shut up immediately. After several vicious and gory minutes, the man stepped away from the bloodbath. He was met with stunned silence.
"Ehh..." Botta finally spoke up. "Er, I never thought you'd show up..." the purple man gave him a mean look, and the poor half-elf screamed. "EEEE! Retreat! Retreat!"
And they retreated.
"W-woah!" Genis cried. "This guy's incredibly strong!" he jumped for joy.
"Y-yeah... I suppose so..." Lloyd pouted. "But look! He's wearing purple! I mean, what is he, gay?"
"Well, you're right," said Colette. "That is kind of weird..."
"I can hear you, you know," said the man, and all three froze. "Is everyone alright?"
"I'm scarred for life," said Colette.
"My confidence is completely shattered," said Lloyd.
"I'm standing in Colette's puke," said Genis.
The scary guy was saved the trouble of replying by Phaidra, who said: "Thanks for saving the Chosen. You wanna go help her receive the oracle?"
The redhead stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I see, so this girl is the next Chosen..."
"Hey, wait!" Lloyd interjected. "I was gonna help Colette!"
"Lloyd...? I would be uneasy with just- sir, are you alright?" She glanced nervously at the scary man, who had gasped and clapped both hands over his mouth.
"Y-y-you're n-name i-is Lloyd??" He stuttered.
"Yeah," said Lloyd. And, because he was eager to regain some pride, he added, "But who are you to ask for my name?"
The scary man stared at him for several minutes, so that Lloyd wondered whether he had something stuck on his face. Finally he turned to Phaidra and said, "My name is Kratos. I'm a really cool mercenary. If you pay me, I'll take care of the Chosen. So fuck off, Lloyd,"
"GRAAAH!" screamed Lloyd.
"GRAAAH?" repeated Genis.
"GRAAAH!" Lloyd repeated.
"Um, Mr. Kratos?" asked Colette innocently, while Lloyd and Genis GRAAAHed. "Can Lloyd come too? I get nervous when he's not around. And when I'm nervous... I EAT!" She reached into her pocket and yoinked out some cheese snacks. Lloyd calmly reached over and snatched the snacks away.
"Oh, thanks Lloyd," Colette sighed. "See, Mr. Kratos?"
"Hrmph," Kratos hrmphed. Everyone took that for a yes.
"C'mon, Genis!" called Lloyd from the front door.
"What? I have to go too?" Genis started crying again, but followed anyway.
"This isn't a field trip, you know," grumbled Kratos. Lloyd turned sadly to the rest of his classmates.
"Sorry guys," he shrugged. The class left, grumbling and muttering amongst themselves. "OK, let's GO!"
So they goed.
"Wow, so this is the inside of the temple!"
The cool group stood inside of the temple. Duh. It was dark and creepy, and Lloyd was really spooked out. He turned around to give his posse a pep talk, but screamed when he saw Kratos' scary face. Genis heard Lloyd scream, so he screamed too. Colette heard Genis and Lloyd scream, so she started singing. Kratos heard Colette singing, clapped his hands over his ears, and screamed too.
Then they stopped screaming and headed into the depths of the temple. Oooooh!
They came to a glowing and magical-looking gate and Lloyd, being the idiot that he was, stuck out a hand to touch it. Nothing happened. But, they couldn't open the door anyways, which really sucked for them.
"I'll bet the Sorcerer's Ring can open it!" said Colette airily. "It's this super convenient ring that does exactly what you need it to do exactly where you need it to. I think it's somewhere in this temple."
"Wow, how convenient!" said Lloyd. Then he ran away because Kratos was staring at him again, and that creeped him out.
So Lloyd and his posse wandered around some more. After several vicious and terrible battles against stone blocks and big-ass worms, they reached a magical glowing ring that was the size of Kratos' head
"Woah, dude!" cried Lloyd. "Is this the sorcerer's ring?" Without waiting for an answer, the over-excited teen grabbed the giant ring and shoved it onto his finger. For some reason, it fit.
"Hey!" cried Genis. "Why do you get to wear the ring?"
"Because I'm the leader," Lloyd answered smugly.
"Since when? Besides, Colette's the Chosen - shouldn't she be the leader?"
"She's too stupid,"
"What about me, then? I'm smarter than you are,"
"You don't have a cool sword. All you got is some stick with a ball on the end,"
"Then what about Kratos? He's got a sword,"
"Kratos is too scary, and he wears purple,"
And everyone was OK with this.
So, they headed back through the magical sparkly gate - which Lloyd shot with his kick-ass ring - and up the stairs into a really small tower-like room.
"Damn! It's so cramped in here!" Said Genis.
"M'got dff rrght," mumbled Lloyd, who was squashed between the wall and Kratos' hair. Kratos had big hair. Fortunately, at that moment there was a burst of pretty light that filled the room. Unfortunately, no one knew why this was fortunate. Anyways, a cool angel with really cool hair floated down out of nowhere.
"I am Remiel," he said in an oh-I'm-so-cool-just-because-I've-got-cool-hair voice. "I am an angel of judgement, Colette is the Chosen, we of Cruxis bless this event, blah blah blah," he waved his hand in a bored sort of fashion.
Just then, outside the window, a really really really really really really really really really really really tall tower fell out of the sky. It landed with a big ole 'thump', then sat in all it's really really really really really really really really really really really tall glory.
Remiel looked down on them all like he was so cool, then broke into song.
"Go to the desert, where it is really warm
and find the seal of fire, and summon up a storm.
You'll almost be an angel, which is really cool,
and then you'll save the world, and never go to... school,"
His poetry completed, the angel disappeared in a cloud of feathers. Oh yeah, and Colette got a Cruxis Crystal. But that's not really important.
There was a few moments of silence. Finally Kratos, who hadn't said a word since he hrmphed outside, said:
"Uh, let's get the hell out of here," He grabbed Colette's wrist, cast a nervous glance at Lloyd, and jumped out the window.
"Come to my house lateeeeer!" Colette called as she tumbled after the mercenary.
"So the rumors are true..." said Genis thoughtfully.
"What rumors?" asked Lloyd, who was still kind of creeped out at how Kratos had been watching him this whole time. "That Kratos is a fag?"
"No! That Colette is really the daughter of an angel, and is not related to her current father."
"What? How do you know that angel guy was Colette's dad?"
Genis rolled his eyes. "Did you hear his poetry? It's even worse than Colette's. They must be related." Lloyd nodded. "That makes sense,"
Then, the two buddies jumped out the window after Kratos.
Too bad for them, though, that they didn't have the mercenary's mad jumping skills. They plummeted to their death many feet below, but landed on something soft.
"Thank the Goddess! We're saved!" Genis raised his hands to the heavens.
Genis screamed at the very top of his lungs and ran for it. A second too late however, Raine's evil hand grabbed his tiny head and yoinked him back.
"Eh, uh, P-Professor Sage," Lloyd stuttered. "W-what a pleasant s-suprise to see you h-h-here!"
"I thought-" Raine smacked Genis. "-I told you-" she put him in a headlock. "-to stay-" she ripped off his right arm. "-in school!" she swung her brother's arm at his head like a baseball bat, and the poor little elf landed with a squash right at Lloyd's feet. Using his awesome sneaking away skills, Lloyd tried to sneak away.
"And you!" Lloyd stopped in his tracks. Professor Sage grabbed his wrist, lifted him into the air, swung him around her head a few times, and finally tossed his limp body into the temple wall.
"You two'd better get back home, now," The bleeding, limbless, semi-conscious boys didn't need telling twice. They skedaddled their asses out of there quicker n' a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of July with a-
Ah, anyways, they ran for home, and then hid under Genis' bed for a few hours. Just in case Raine decided to come home early.