"Axel?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Let's fuck."

And the tone and just the cursing because Roxas never does that, he's so simple and clean and fuck just isn't in his vocabulary so Axel looks at him, trying to figure out what the fuck is up, but Roxas just looks back at him, innocent and guileless and Axel...

"No."

Roxas sticks out his bottom lip and pouts like he's a good many years younger than he actually is. He doesn't get why Axel is telling him no, so Axel feels the need to explain, drawing him in tight and comfy against his chest, running one finger across his bottom lip, listening to the sound of skin and leather. Roxas bites at him playfully and that's really got Axel confused because Roxas doesn't do that kind of thing.

"Please?" Roxas murmurs around a mouthful of glove.

"What's wrong, Rox?" Not that Axel is complaining about sex because he likes to have sex, he likes the flashes of physical wonderment that just go thundering through him like so much heroin.

The blond looks up at him with his big Crystalmir eyes and frowns and tries to pretend like something isn't on his mind because that's how it always is. There's always something on his mind because he can't just feel things, he can't let it slip on by as 'oh, that was good' or 'oh, that was bad' and Axel holds him closer. He doesn't really want to talk about thoughts, it's so much easier to be lazy and ignore that he doesn't feel anything, and that's troubling, in his mind.

"Nothing," Roxas protest, twisting around and pressing their lips together and it's so full of desperate and 'please, oh God, please Axel, understand, for the love of God, understand so I don't have to try and say it, it'll burn my throat and I'll never speak again and then you'll never know, so, Axel, understand, for me?' that Axel actually has to push him away just to get his breath back.

These stupid coats are just like skin to them, so much so that they haven't bothered to take them off when they fuck for a long time and Axel wonders if that would mean something. Is it some kind of representation of the distance that's been growing between them, that they keep trying to overcome by leaning farther out, more precariously over the ravine of 'fuck, I don't exist' just to keep their hands linked because letting go would be disastrous.

Axel kisses his forehead as gently as he can, which isn't very. "Fuck you." He says, but it's almost good-natured. "Fuck you, you liar."

Roxas makes a sound like he's been punched and then he starts to laugh hysterically. He clings to the front of Axel's coat, leaving frantic little kisses on his collarbone.

"We don't exist, Axel," he whispers like it's a secret and there's something special about the way he says it, like he still wants to be in denial but he just can't quite manage because there's so much proof right in front of his face.

They should be kissing again; they should be stealing each other's breath away so they can stop thinking about these things. It's so much easier when they're sitting in counsel with Xemnas and he tells them exactly what to do and what to think, but then when they're together alone and wanting to think about the fucking future and why do they want their hearts? Because they're just as mindless as the Heartless and Hearts. HEARTS.

"We're here aren't we?" Axel suggests even though it's so painfully stupid and fake and they're sinners. Sinners, sinners, who have taken the fruit just by being and it isn't fair because they didn't have a choice.

"Please love me."

Roxas would weep if he could but it's so hard to cry when there's nothing, but there's definitely terror inside of Roxas but it's only because the universal constructs are caving in, burying him beneath a pile of rubble that is logic. Timmy is trapped in the well...

"You won't believe me when I say I do," Axel chuckles even though it isn't funny. He doesn't feel it, he doesn't know fucking funny, but he does know, with his mind, that it isn't funny and no one would find it that way.

"Never," Roxas agrees, sighing and leaning back into his chest, running his fingers through red molten hair. He looks up at Axel with his soft, selfish, child-like eyes, his neck curved so deliciously that Axel kind of wishes they were fucking, but then he doesn't because it doesn't do them any good to consummate a relationship that doesn't exist.

"Let's fall in love for real next time."

Roxas smiles with his teeth and not his heart.

"No."

That one startles Axel because he wants to be in love, in his mind he recognizes that nothing would work out but he'd have Roxas and, right now, that's all. So Roxas telling him NO flat out, simply just doesn't make any sense and he wants to say something, but he can't get it out properly, so he sums it all up with an intelligent,

"Huh?"

"We're already in love, we just don't know it yet."

Somewhere, detachedly, Axel realizes that should be funny, but he hasn't got it in him to laugh.

"Yeah, sure, Rox."

"Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up. Let's fuck."

It's a lot easier than thinking.


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