Author's Note: Welcome to another Sasuke and Naruto one-shot. This one was inspired by watching too many Blue Collar episodes, movies, and commercials. I'm sorry, but my sister convinced me to put Sasuke and Naruto into these awkward positions. There's more than just Sasuke and Naruto in this, there are a few others in there too. Anyway, it's just something thrown together with no real purpose, no real plot flow, just some moments. Everyone has their moments, neh? Neh? I changed the title, because I found it was better. It just suits it. See if you can pick out all the jokes.
Warning: Shonen-ai, OOCness, crack, suggestive themes.
Notes: I changed some things to fit the story. Deal with it. Cause really, we all know Sasuke isn't going to be dreaming about being in the mountains with Shania Twain. And I hate Orochimaru, so the whole "Sasuke runs to evil Snake Bastard" never happened, okay? But we still have Sai. Because I love torturing Sai. Couplings are Sasuke x Naruto, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Sakura, one sided Sai x Naruto.
Disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto; Jokes/Themes belong to Bill Engvall, Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and the Windex commercials with the crows.
Someone Once Said
By Mint Pizza Queen
We've all been told something, done something, or said something strange at one point in our lives. This is no different for Sasuke and Naruto, who have encountered many together in their life. What are these you may ask, well, let's take a look shall we?
Someone once said that men are like bottle rockets.
"Yo, I have a theory."
Naruto looked up from his ramen, quirking an eyebrow that gave a look that said 'Does it really look like I care at the moment? Shut up and let me eat my ramen 'kay, please, thanks.'
Seated next to him was Sasuke, who was sipping some of the broth from his bowl. He too quirked an eyebrow, but his expression gave a look that read 'Don't say anything or I will set you ablaze right now.'
Of course, the blond said something. "What would that be, Kakashi-sensei?"
"Men and women are quite different in relationships." Sasuke and Naruto both gave a 'no duh' look. Kakashi raised a hand that motioned for them to let him finish his thought. "Women are like, those engines from the west."
"Okay," Sasuke leaned forward, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. "I bite. Explain."
"It takes a while to get them warmed up, but once they're running, they last a long, looong--"
"GAH! SENSEI! WE'RE EATING!" Naruto flicked a carrot at his chortling pervert of a teacher. He paused afterwards, and leaned forward anxiously. "But what about men?"
Sasuke smacked Naruto. "Dobe, you're an idiot."
"What! I'm just curious!"
"Well," Kakashi began, mirth twinkling in his eye. "Men are like bottle rockets."
Suddenly, Kakashi's head snapped to the side and Sasuke rubbed his hand. "Don't say another word. I don't want to hear it." He began to march away, before turning back, and poked Kakashi. "And you're paying for the ramen."
Someone once asked when their partner was going to wear these.
Sasuke stared at Naruto, who was busy folding some shorts he had washed. He noticed the overstuffed basket, and then glanced back to the blond. "Hey, what are you doing?"
"That's a lot of laundry."
Naruto shook out a tee-shirt. "Yeah, I know."
"You'll be working on that load for quite a while."
"Yeah, I know." Naruto placed the shirt on a hanger and hung it off of a rack, tugging at the sleeves. "This one is still wet a little."
"Would you like some help?"
Naruto grinned. "Sure! I did do your laundry, after all, you could be a little more grateful, bastard."
Sasuke rolled his eyes, and picked up some socks and folded them into the traditional bun. He reached into the basket, his eyes widening when he pulled out a rather skimpy pair of underwear. "Woah…"
"Hey, I wear those!" Naruto nabbed them. "I wear 'em when I'm pulling off my Sexy no Jutsu pranks on Jiraiya. It's fun to see the look on his face, and then lead him on and BAM! Sock 'im good! You'd think by now he'd realize that it was me."
The Uchiha blushed slightly at seeing the panties. "Okay then…" He reached in and pulled out a normal looking pair of boxers and folded them before placing them on a growing pile. He reached in and grabbed another pair of panties, and smirked, holding them up, stretched slightly.
"A thong? Really, Naruto. So, when you gonna wear these for me?"
Naruto waved a hand. "I can't, those are Sakura's--"
"ARGH!" Naruto jumped as Sasuke flung them across the room. Sasuke made a face that made it seem like he had just touched something extremely vial. "NO! NO! NO! Why the hell are they in our laundry?"
The blond stuck out a lip before fetching the thong. "Sakura's washer broke, so I offered to do her wash for her. She's supposed to come by after lunch to pick them up."
Sasuke was too busy wiping his hands on the walls to listen.
Someone once apologized for the pretty fireworks.
"Sasuke! Did you try to kill Sai again?" Naruto grabbed onto Sasuke's shirt and shook him. Sasuke merely looked off to the side, giving off an aura of innocence. "You did, didn't you? What did you do this time! He's in the critical condition wing and they said he's got burns so bad that they thought he was thrown into a barbecue pit! Did you fry him or something?"
Sasuke sighed. "I didn't do anything, this time, all we did was go to the fireworks festival because you nagged me to take him, remember?"
"Well, I took him. He wanted a close up view, so I gave him one. I brought him up real close, see, and, I think he got a little too close. I couldn't tell, I was a thousand feet back getting a snack." Sasuke smirked. "All I remember was hearing someone scream, and then a loud bang. Then there was a bright light and I saw someone flying across the field, the bright light going with them."
Naruto had a horrified look.
"It looked like the fireworks were tied on his back or something, I wished I had warned him not to get too close," Sasuke rested an arm on Naruto's shoulder. "I really wished I had, but you know what Naruto?"
"It was really pretty."
Naruto punched Sasuke's shoulder. "You tied it to his back, didn't you!"
"I wouldn't say tied it to his back…"
"That's it! The last time you attempted to chop off the lower half of his body and blame it on a crocodile! I know it was you! You're sleeping on the couch for a month!" Naruto stomped away, with Sasuke chasing after him.
"But it was a crocodile! He was a crafty bastard! Honest! He made it look like a katana sliced through him! Seriously!"
Someone once asked 'who's got a phone in the mountains.'
Sasuke was in la-la land. It was a happy la-la land. Lounging in front of him was his favorite kitsune, dressed in some very nice clothes that he knew would look better on the floor, and they were off in some mountain range where the closest village was about a thousand miles away.
The blond boy was practically purring, and Sasuke was enjoying every minute. There was no way in the seven hells was he going to go anywhere any time soon, thank you very much.
Sasuke's head shot up from sucking on Naruto's neck.
It was a low ring, like that damn phone Kakashi had used at that house on that mission they had a few months back.
It got louder, and before he knew it, it was ringing every two seconds. He looked down to see his favorite kitsune and late-night-snack gone from the down pillows. The Uchiha shot up, shouting at the never ending mountain range, seething at his interrupted meal.
"Who's got a phone in the mountains!"
His eyes flew open, looking over at the bed stand where the phone rang and the lights on the alarm clock flashed two thirty. Picking up, his glared at the wall and answered. "Hello?"
"Hi, is Naruto there?"
"Dude, if you have any ounce of brains you WILL HANG THIS PHONE UP RIGHT NOW!" He slammed it down before slamming his head into his pillow, growling.
The person next to him stirred, and soon he felt a set of arms wrap around him. "Oh, be nice."
"Uh uh, nice stopped at midnight."
Naruto nuzzled him. "I thought it was from whenever we were both awake to whenever we were both asleep."
"Yeah, well, you were asleep. So I had to stop being nice." Sasuke almost melted into Naruto's nuzzling. Almost.
"What's got you so bitchy, besides the phone call?"
"It was Kiba, that's one thing. Second off, the phone call interrupted my delightful dream with you and me off in the mountains, and not only did the phone wake me up from my sleep, it interrupted our moment in the mountains."
"A phone in the mountains, who would have one in the mountains?" Naruto yawned, before resting his head on Sasuke's chest.
"That's what I asked."
Someone once laughed and said 'that's the source of your bitchiness right there!'
Sasuke and Naruto were over at Sakura's helping her with preparing several salads for the annual shinobi picnic that the Hokage had started just recently. Why it was called annual when it was only come up with two days ago was still beyond them, but nevertheless, they still took part in it (why Sasuke had no idea, but he wasn't about to ask anytime soon from the glares from both Sakura and Naruto).
"Arg, stupid Tsunade-baa-chan," Naruto shoved some potato salad into a bowl, slamming a lid on it. "Making us go to this stupid festival…should give her a piece of my mind." He glared at Sasuke. "Not a word, bastard."
Sasuke instantly snapped his mouth shut, all sarcastic remarks shoved into a folder marked "Mention to Naruto at Ichiraku's Later Or Else".
Sakura suddenly backhanded Sasuke, who actually winced. "What was that for?"
"Stop ogling Naruto and get packing!" Sasuke sputtered and suddenly found himself loaded with arms full of baskets and bowls. "Put them into the baskets and let's go! This is just stupid!" The pink haired kunoichi bitterly snapped.
Sasuke frowned. Was it just him, or was everyone in a really bad mood today?
After five minutes of being poked and prodded and slapped, Sasuke managed to pack away the food into the baskets and decided that maybe he should grab the first aid kit.
"I'll get it," Sakura growled before stomping into the bathroom. There was a squeak from the medicine cabinet, followed by some crashes and loud curses. Both Naruto and Sasuke rushed into the bathroom, staring at the mess.
"Naruto, you baka, you left the toilet lid up and half of the stuff fell in it!"
Sasuke peered into the bowl and saw several tampons floating in it, inflated from the water. He snorted and pointed. "That right there explains your bitchiness, Sakura." He then looked to Naruto. "But I know for a fact you don't use those, so that doesn't explain your bitchiness. Did you get a sex change or something or have you developed a male version of PMS?"
He really wished for once that he had shut his mouth. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be a sarcastic bastard.
Someone once asked 'guess who has headlight shoes now.'
Sasuke blinked. Then blinked again.
Where the hell was that light coming from?
He looked over to the window, and the curtains were closed. The usual flashlight he had resting by the bed was in its spot. The bedside lights were out, and the overhead light was out too.
So what the hell was causing the light? Rats with flashlights putting on a light show?
"Heehee…" He heard giggling from beside him and saw that his partner was clutching the sheets grinning like a maniac, staring at the ceiling.
"What's so funny?"
"Look! It's a light show! I'm gonna see if I can make shapes…"
Sasuke shot up in bed, glaring at Naruto's feet in which sitting on them were a pair of headlight slippers. He glared back at Naruto, who grinned back at him cheekily.
"Put those away!"
"Hmph," Naruto harrumphed before reaching down and shutting the shoes off and placing them beside the bed. "This big movie release has just turned into 'smallville'."
Sasuke's eyebrow twitched before he lunged at the blond, attempting to stuff a pillow down his throat.
Someone once giggled and said 'he'll never know what hit 'im.'
Iruka smiled at Kakashi as the silver haired jounin handed him a lemonade. "Would you like anything else?"
The teacher shook his head and patted the lawn chair beside him. "Sit down and talk with me. Tell me, how's your team been? How's Naruto?"
The teacher chuckled. "Oh, they've been good. Naruto's been like Naruto. Him and Sasuke get along very well now, and I think the blonde's rubbing off on him."
"Oh?" Iruka sipped on his lemonade. "Please elaborate."
"What's to say?" Kakashi's eye upturned in a happy arc. "Sasuke's getting to be quite devious like that blond knucklehead we both love to torment."
"Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that was I?" Kakashi chuckled. Suddenly, the phone in his house rang. "Oh, give me a minute." He got up from his seat and entered through the sliding glass door, in which the door was left open.
Iruka sipped on his lemonade as he waited, when suddenly two familiar faces appeared from the rooftop. He eyed the blond and brunette as they jumped down. Sasuke made a shushing motion as Naruto quietly closed the glass door and scurried away cackling. Iruka, deciding not to do anything except play along, pretended not to have seen anything and continued his drink.
Sasuke and Naruto took off as Kakashi appeared faintly from behind the glass. He was walking briskly, appearing to be in a rush to get back to Iruka when--
He smacked against the glass, and had a shocked look on his face. Iruka chuckled, and the jounin opened the door.
"See Sasuke! I told you he'd never know what'd hit 'im!"
Kakashi scowled, placing his hands on his hips. "See? What did I tell you. Devious little buggers, that's what they are."
Someone once whispered that 'it was like whoa…'
Jiraiya patted Sasuke on the shoulder. "You look troubled, care to talk about it?"
"It was bad."
Jiraiya gave him a questioning look. Sasuke sighed, and began to explain.
"See, the other night me and Naruto were lying in bed together just doing some reading. I was reading a book and he was looking through a magazine and I heard him sigh, right? Well, I continued reading and he says, 'I'm hot.'."
The man blinked. "What's troubling about that?"
Sasuke fidgeted slightly. "Let me finish." He sighed again. "I heard him, and I closed my book, walked across the room, and turned on the ceiling fan. When I got back to the bed it suddenly hit me; it was like 'whoa…I wasn't hot!'"
Jiraiya barked in laughter. "He's got you trained!"
The Uchiha glared. "That's not funny! I swear I thought I heard him talking to Sakura on the phone this morning saying 'It is working so well, you were right! I said I was hot and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!'" Sasuke glared at the wall. "I bet Sakura was probably cheering him on, saying something like 'Oh I am so proud of you! I'd put Lee on the phone but I just said I was hungry and he went down to get me some lunch from my favorite restaurant!' This is ridiculous!"
The hentai writing man patted Sasuke on the head again. "Yup, face it, as long as your seme in the relationship, and while you're in one, the uke will train you one way or another." He paused. "So, anything else happen, something…interesting?"
"Shut up, pervert."
"Just doing research!"
Someone once said 'that was the first time I've ever pushed a woman out of a tree.'
"Oi, what are we doing?" Sakura blinked as Sasuke and Naruto whipped their heads and glared.
Sasuke answered softly. "Well, we're uh--we're waiting for the animals to show up. We're hunting, okay, and this is the perfect spot to get 'em. We hunt here all the time. So please be quiet, or they won't show." He nodded, making a shushing motion with his finger before gripping on the bow and arrow set.
"Oi, what time do they start to show?"
Naruto turned and leveled a look. "I--I don't know, we never got a call back to set up the meeting!"
"Quiet you two!" Sasuke hissed, staring at the clearing.
There was some silence, and the occasional chatter of a squirrel and chirp of a bird. Suddenly, a deer appeared in the clearing, and began to munch on some grass.
Sasuke's fingers twitched on the arrow. He held back a grin as he set up the bow and arrow, aiming at the deer. "You--are on the wall…"
There was a gasp from beside them.
"OOOOH! ISN'T HE CUTE!"
Both boys twitched uncontrollably.
"He looks like that baby deer's dad in that movie we saw not too long ago! Remember that movie?"
Sasuke nodded vigorously. "Yes I remember that movie now will you please be quiet!" He aimed again for the deer.
"You're not going to kill it are you?"
The Uchiha almost fell out of the tree.
Naruto answered for him. "No, we brought the weapons just in case the deer tried to rob us. They're crafty buggers."
Sasuke aimed again. "Yes, we're going to kill it--"
She gasped again before shrieking and flailing her arms. "No! Run deer, run!"
Sasuke didn't even hesitate. He whirled around and shoved her out of the tree. The shrieked softened as she fell away, and then there was a thud.
The Uchiha turned to Naruto and pointed to the sky angrily. "That was the first time I've ever pushed a girl out of a tree. And if that happens again, I won't hesitate to do it again."
Someone once said that I had hard legs--heh, they had no idea.
Sasuke hated the lady with a passion. Really, he did. She was like a clone of Naruto's sexy no jutsu form, and every time he glanced at her, it just reminded him of his favorite kitsune back at home and it just made the experience all the more difficult.
Naruto had decided that Sasuke was dealing with a lot of stress and that he needed to go get a massage. Unable to go against the blonde's wishes on account of the threat of certain days left on the lonely, cold couch for a few weeks, the Uchiha went on his way.
Now he was stuck on a table, clad in only a towel around his waist, with a woman who looked like the female form of his kitsune, massaging his back. He felt her hands working the knots out of his shoulders, which he admitted felt good. But as she moved down, he tensed up.
'I know you're testing me.' He thought back to Naruto. 'I'm an ace at combat, but I was a below average student in sex education. I've never told anyone that, so please forgive me!'
"Okay, turn over."
Sasuke's eyes widened. 'Oh no…'
He obeyed. She began to massage his feet, and he resisted the temptation to purr.
'Aaaah, sooo gooooood…I feel like I'm turning into pudding…'
Suddenly, he felt her hands move up onto his inner thighs and he shot up. "Hey hey hey! What are you doing?"
"Massaging! Your thighs felt pretty hard and--"
He chuckled darkly. "Oh ho, you have no idea…I think I'm done now."
"I'll be going!"
When he got home, Naruto was sitting on the couch reading. The blond looked up and saw a flustered Sasuke. "So, how did it go?"
Sasuke threw his shoes across the room. "I'm more stressed than before I left!" He began to yank off his shirt. "And you're going to help get rid of that stress right now!"
Naruto had no complaints of relieving Sasuke of his bundle.
Someone once said that the smoke alarm is not a cooking timer.
Sasuke entered the house to find a thick cloud of black smoke floating in the doorway to the kitchen. Throwing his stuff off to the side, he rushed into the kitchen to find a flustered Naruto waving two pot holders at the burning pan, wafting the smoke away.
The blond looked up, face burning pink. "I ruined dinner, again. How about we go for ramen?"
Sasuke picked up a nearby fork and poked what looked like a really burnt pan of lasagna. He smirked, and then chuckled. "Naruto, I have to tell you something…"
Sasuke pointed to the smoke detector in the living room that was still going off. "You see that?"
"That is not a cooking timer. When that goes off, it means the food is past well done. You go by that timer," he pointed to the one on the stove.
Naruto backhanded him, bristling at the smart ass comments. "Shut up. You can fix your own dinner."
"I just wanted to point it out in case you were confused in any way!"
"SHUT IT, BASTARD!"
A pan flew by his head, narrowly missing him.
Someone once said 'my boyfriend collects ramen cups…'
Sasuke, Kiba, Sakura, and Ino were all seated at Ichiraku's one day, just sitting and talking over a bowl of ramen. They were talking about their partner, and some interesting experiences.
"Hinata collects these cute little doggy plushies," Kiba grinned. "It's really suiting to her personality. It's really adorable."
Sakura beamed. "That is just like Hinata. Lee doesn't really collect anything. He gets me whatever I want though, no matter what it is. I don't see how I could've not noticed him before. He's a sweetheart."
Ino smirked. "Oh yeah? Shikamaru gets me whatever I want too."
"I bet he does it just to shut you up."
"Na ah! He gets me anything at anytime! All I have to do is ask, and he's off getting it!"
"Whatever, Ino-pig, he probably does it, as I said before, just to shut you up."
"What about you," Kiba broke through the feuding girls and directed his question towards Sasuke. "What does Naruto collect?"
Sasuke sipped some of the broth. "Naruto collects ramen cups."
There was a dead silence. He stared at them briefly before turning back to his ramen. "Yeah, well, welcome to my world." Slurp.
Someone once said 'that's what we guys like to call a courtesy sniff.'
Kiba, Sasuke, and Sakura were over at Naruto's apartment cleaning it out for the big move. Naruto was going to be officially moving into Sasuke's home, instead of spending the nights there as he had been for the past few days.
Kiba was digging through Naruto's closet, and pulled out a backpack. "You got a lot of junk in here, Naruto." He unzipped the backpack, and slowly stuck his nose in it and sniffed. That was, until he suddenly shot back, holding the backpack as far away as possible as he coughed and gagged. "WOAH! MAN! EEEEAAAGH. That's NASTY!" He looked over his shoulder. "Yo! Naruto! You gotta sniff this man!"
Naruto rushed over, grabbing the backpack and took a sniff. He too began to cough and gag. "Sasuke! You gotta take a whiff of this!"
Sakura watched in horror as Sasuke took a small whiff before shooting back, clutching his nose with a disgusting expression on his face. "That is the most barbaric thing I have ever seen! Besides Naruto eating!"
Kiba grinned, holding the bag out to her. "It's what we guys like to call a courtesy sniff! Wanna whiff?"
It was worth it to see Kiba running around after the bag was shoved over his head, all items still stuffed inside.
Someone once said that it didn't hurt and that the screaming man was just a big baby.
"It's all for Naruto. It's all for Naruto. It's all for Naruto." Sasuke kept repeating the mantra in his head as he stared at the needles protruding from his body.
His partner had once again decided that he was stressed out and sent him to go to an acupuncture clinic to be unstressed.
Upon arrival, he met up with a nurse from a foreign village, and she smiled at him sweetly.
"Oh hello! You be Uchiha Sasuke?"
"Good. Come this way."
He followed her into a room, and ended up once again stripping down to his boxers. She was about to start stabbing him with the needles when he held up a hand and asked the question.
"Does it hurt?"
After all, facing against Haku, he had a bad sense of hurt with needles and he didn't want that all over again.
The woman smiled, shaking her head. "Oh no, it no hurt!"
Suddenly, a scream came from the next room. A male was screaming a series of ouches that raised Sasuke's tense guard.
"What was that?"
"Oh he big baby!" She assured before stabbing one into his leg.
That was an hour ago, now he remained alone in the room with the needles still sticking in him and several by his feet were set on fire with cotton balls stuck on the tops.
Finally, the woman entered again and began to slowly remove the needles. "We can continue procedure tomorrow."
"Oh let's just book that right now!" Sasuke glared before wrapping the headband on his head, instead of usually on his forehead. He was irritable, and really didn't feel like fixing it.
Upon arriving at home, Sasuke swung the door open and faced one cheerful blond. "Well, how was it?"
"I need a shower." He stalked into the bathroom, and began to remove his clothes. He felt a pain from his head while removing the headband. Upon further inspection, he narrowed his eyes and screeched. "SHE FORGOT TO REMOVE THE NEEDLE FROM MY HEAD!"
Naruto never scheduled him another stress therapy session again.
Someone once said 'those goddamn squirrels kept getting into my birdfeeders…but not anymore.'
Naruto was speechless. Absolutely speechless.
There sitting on the porch was Uchiha Sasuke, clad in his underwear, holding a huge pouch of kunai, glaring fiercely at the squirrels in the trees.
"What are you doing?" Naruto scratched his head.
"Those goddamn squirrels kept getting into my bird feeders," The Uchiha chuckled darkly. "But not anymore."
He cackled madly, and just as a squirrel jumped off the branch and headed for the bird feeder, he thrashed a kunai at the squirrel just before it made it to the pole, freaking the squirrel out and sent it back to the trees.
Naruto quickly slipped back into the house and decided that for now on, he'll sleep in real late.
We've all been told something, done something, or said something strange at one point in our lives. Sometimes, as Sasuke and Naruto found out, it would probably better to just shut up, sit back, and watch the show.