Author's note: Here's the thing. I love Rurouni Kenshin AND I also love Ranma 1/2. So what's a girl to do? Why, crossover, of course! I hope you all think this is funny, because I sure as hell have never done a Humor Piece. I usually go for the heavy stuff, so don't kill me if a little bit of drama pops up here and there. Enjoy reading, and let me know if I should continue with this. I promise, though, that this will not be very long.
Standard Disclaimers Apply: These aren't my Characters. Rurouni Kenshin characters are owned by Watsuki-sama and Ranma 1/2 characters are owned by Takahashi-sama. On a more personal note, please do not sue me.
Pig-boy Romances Tanuki-chan
Prologue: Kaoru Goes Shopping
"Look at him," Segara Sanosuke, ex-gangster of the once famed Sekihoutai, free-loader extraordinaire, muttered disgustedly as he sat beside Myojin Yahiko who was furiously scrubbing the porch floor. "Do you see what I'm seeing, Yahiko-chan?"
Yahiko, sole student of Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu and at the moment, slave of the adjutant master he called "Hag" glared at him in great annoyance. He didn't know what got to him more, the fact that Sano had called him "chan" yet again, or the fact that he had been ordered to scrub the porch by Kaoru while Sano sat around doing nothing. "Do I look like I'm seeing what you're seeing?" he growled, returning to his chore. "All I see is a dirty floor: Smudges and a soiled surface. And I see a rooster-head, who sits around on his fat ass, making stupid, philosophical observations."
Sano raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his broad chest. "Excuse me for living. And who are you calling a fat rooster-head?"
The eleven-year-old (going on forty), rose to his knees and planted his hands on his hips. "Hey, I'm working here! Do you mind?"
Sano decided to let the name-calling pass. He was too engrossed in his own musings to get angry. "Whatever. Look at that idiot over there they call Battousai."
Yahiko gave an exasperated sigh and went back down on his hands to scrub. "What about him?"
"He's the 14th Master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu, feared assassin of the Boshin Civil Wars, and what is he doing now? He's washing clothes! What's with him anyway?" Sano implored, watching the redheaded samurai who crouched in the distance, elbow deep in soapsuds.
"Ask him. Some people have better things to do," Yahiko grumbled, brushing away the black strands of hair that had strayed to his eyes.
Sano continued to ponder out loud. "He does that with a stupid smile on his face, like he actually likes doing the laundry."
"Helloooo!"Yahiko chimes in a sarcastic tone. "You are such a mor--"
"Is it because he thinks that his hands are stained with blood and he has to…wash it off with detergent? Or something like that," Sano went on. Eloquence was never his strong point. "Or does his bloodlust from the Boshin Civil Wars translate into terminating fabric stains?"
Yahiko stared at Sano in irritation. "What the hell are you talking about?" he asked. "Kenshin's a neat freak, you idiot. It's as simple as that!"
Sano shook his head sagely. "No…it's not that simple. Behind that satisfied grin is more than a decade of bloody history. What is he thinking at this time? His guilt, I suppose. Yeah, that's it. It goes with my Blood and Detergent theory."
Himura Kenshin, also known as the Hitokiri Battousai, raised a blue gi from his laundry tub and stared at its soapy fabric with a critical squint of his amethyst gaze. Hmm…looks clean. I think it's clean. Kaoru-dono will be pleased. Damn! She looks good in this gi. It goes with those pretty baby blues of hers. Wish I could tell her that. Of course, it's just like me to blow the chance every time an opportunity presents itself. Like that time I left for Kyoto…boy, that was a doozie. And that time we went on a date after the Shishio fiasco…what the hell was I thinking when I told her I was too busy worrying about my chores to enjoy the play? I think I'm about the biggest moron ever to walk Japan…
"I bet he's reliving those horrible days this very minute," Sano told Yahiko aside as he observed Kenshin shaking his head miserably by himself.
Yahiko was just about to lose his patience. "Oh, would you give it a rest?"
Sano regarded Yahiko in a superior manner. "Well then, what's your theory? You think you know everything. Kid like you can't hope to match my honed instincts."
Yahiko clenched his fists. "Kid like me can see things an idiot like you couldn't see if it was waved in your face! He's pining for her. Isn't that apparent enough? He's thinking about Kaoru and how he, the warrior who faced enemies in the likes of Shishio, Shogo Amakusa and Enishi, turns chicken when it comes to confessing his feelings for the Hag."
Sano lost the sage look on his face and returned to his usual moronic seeming. "You think? Man, how totally ordinary. It ain't right. Guy like him shouldn't go for that fuzzy, blubbery stuff."
Yahiko snorted in derision. "Wanna bet? Guy like him can take a sword beating with more grace. The day he tells the hag he loves her is the day pigs fly. That's what I think."
"I'm home!" Came a cheery voice from the gate.
Kenshin's face brightened at the sound. "Welcome back!" he responded upon seeing the slender form of the Kamiya Kasshin adjutant master entering the gate.
Kaoru smiled at all of them brightly before turning back to the gate's entrance. "Put it right in here, Kyosuke-kun."
A young man of about 19 years of age came wobbling in with a full-length mirror strapped to his back. Sweat was pouring down his red face as he blew breaths through his mouth raggedly. He braved his exertion without complaint, but he did not look too happy either.
"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, too astonished at the sight of the cargo to help.
Yahiko did not bother to give a hand, surmising that they all had their work cut out for them. Sano, on the other hand, was just being himself.
Kyosuke-kun lowered his burden to the ground and was about to give a sigh of relief.
"Oh, not there," Kaoru chimed. "Over there. Lean it against the tree."
Kyosuke-kun looked like he was about ready to cry, but he valiantly hoisted the mirror back on his body and practically stumbled to get the mirror to its proper place. By the time he had it leaning against the tree, he was ready to collapse.
A bit of worry knotted Kaoru's face. "Kyosuke-kun, are you ill? You seem to look a little flushed. You ought to stay away from the sun."
Gasping for breath, Kyosuke-kun stared at Kaoru in disbelief. "Sun…right," he moaned, struggling to his feet.
"Well, thank you for bringing the mirror for me," Kaoru said, bowing to him daintily. "Would you like something to drink before you go?"
Kyosuke-kun gave a clumsy bow in return and shook his head before he turned to leave. "N-no thanks, I'm fine," he replied. "But next time I help a lady with her purchases, I'm going to ask how far she lives from the market," he muttered, thinking no one could hear him.
Kaoru smiled obliviously and waved goodbye to him. As soon as the gate was closed, Kaoru gave a sigh of relief. "Mou! The poor guy! He must have been exhausted! But I wasn't about to carry that thing all the way from the market. Only an idiot would do such a thing."
Sano gave a smirk from the porch. "Well then, where did you get that idiot?"
Kaoru gave a smug smile. "Some guy trying to impress me in the market. He winks at me every time I pass his father's stall. I normally ignore him, but today he tried a lame pick-up line on me, so helpless little ol' me gave him the damsel in distress bit. I got him to carry the mirror."
Kenshin blinked, then her words registered in his addled brain. He smiled through his nasty thoughts. What's-his-face deserved it for making cheap moves on my Kaoru-dono.
Sano laughed heartily. "Good one, Jou-chan."
"Yeah, good one," Yahiko agreed. "For a Hag."
Kaoru controlled her temper. She was too pleased with her purchase to allow the little brat to get to her nerves. "Anyway, how do you like my mirror? I got it on sale. Don't you think it's pretty?"
"Yes, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin replied, wiping his hands and arms on his apron. "Where would you like this unworthy one to put the mirror?"
Kaoru looked at the mirror and placed a finger to her chin thoughtfully. "I haven't really thought about it yet. I want everyone to have access to it, so my room's out of the question…"
Kenshin suppressed a wistful sigh as he stared at her. She looked so pretty with her purple and pink kimono. It went well with her long black hair. No wonder What's-his-face tried to get her attention.
Sano and Yahiko saw his expression and they shook their heads in unison. Pigs will fly…
It was at that moment the mirror began to glow an eerie green.
Kaoru gave a start or surprise. "What…?"
Kenshin's eyes grew wide, feeling a sudden gust of chi…from the mirror? Mirrors don't have chi. What was going on? He began to move. Whatever it is, he didn't want Kaoru near it. He made a dash for her, but speed failed him this time. Before he could reach her, the light flashed, blinding all of them in its midst.
The light settled and Kenshin found himself tumbling on the grass without Kaoru in his arms, where she was supposed to be. The mirror continued to glow.
"Damn!" Yahiko cried, jumping to his feet. "Where the hell did the hag go?"
"Jou-chan! Holy crap!" Sano exclaimed, frantically searching the grounds
She was nowhere in sight, and Kenshin growled loudly in frustration. Not again. Not again! Gone, AGAIN! What was it this time? Why, in God's name did it always have to be Kaoru? Why didn't they kidnap him for a change? So they were resorting to magic now, were they? It was driving him insane.
He was about to go Battousai when the mirror spat something out unexpectedly.
"Bweee!!!" It cried. It looked like a pig, a small black pig with a yellow bandana around its neck, and it flew through the air right over the roof of the house.
To be continued…