Author's Note: Oh, this was so much fun to write. It was a real catharsis for me, know what I mean? The ole gotta get it out of my system bit. This is the last chapter, and I just want to say that all your reviews really got me through. I honestly fed off all your comments, compliments and criticisms. Reviews to me are like Kenshin's Kaoru, Ranma's Akane, Nabiki's yen…you get the picture. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but I'm kinda depressed this is done. The thing is, I try never to go into too many things when I write a story so that it doesn't get old. I'm not as good at perfect- length as the other authors whom I admire so much for doing great WAFF and drama.
Major lime in this chapter, just for fun. I'm warning you it's pretty scandalous. I think I am a hentai by heart.
If you think that's too much information…excuse me for living!
Standard disclaimers apply. (I will find my genie yet! Watch out, Watsuki-sama! Takahashi-sama! Only a matter of time…MWAHAHAHAHA! Oops…he-he…sort of slipped for a second there…)
On with the story.
Epilogue: 'Tis Written
"K-KENSHIN YOU MORON!!!!!!" Kaoru screamed amidst her gut-wrenching pain. "AAAAARGH! GET IT OUT OF ME!" She yelled, clutching at her husband's hair, pulling none to gently.
"A thousand apologies, Kaoru-dono. I don't know how!" He stuttered.
Danm!Sano thought as he sat with Yahiko in the waiting room of the clinic. The moron is so panicked that he's spitting out honorifics! Jou-chan's going to eat him alive!
Kaoru grit her teeth as another contraction hit her. "What do you mean you don't know how?" She demanded wrathfully. "You put it there!"
"H-Help Megumi-dono!" Kenshin pleaded desperately.
Megumi snickered to herself before speaking. "Alright, Tanuki-chan. I need you to calm down." She said firmly as she knelt before Kaoru. She had all her materials ready and she was in top form. "Let me see."
Kaoru was breathing in quick gasps, sweat breaking out from her temple. Dammit! If I had known giving birth was this painful, I would never…well, I would have, but SHIT! Is all that great sex worth this suffering? And I have to go through this six more times! Kenshin, you're SO going to sleep in Yahiko's room tonight!
"Oh! God!" Kaoru groaned, her head rolling back in exasperation. She squeezed Kenshin's hand tighter than ever and he almost fainted at her death-grip. "Tell me the baby's ready! Ohhhhh! Kenshin, I'll get you for this!"
"Don't you darling me, pervert!" She yelled as Megumi calmly peered at her nether regions.
Kenshin frowned a bit. "This unworthy one wasn't the only one in that bed, I'll have you know," he protested.
Kaoru glared at him. "Oh is that how you feel? Well, then no sex for you, rurouni, for the next six months! Owwwww!"
"Oro! Kaoru-darling, this unworthy one was just kidding, you see. No need to be so hasty…"
Megumi laughed. "Can you forget about your short-sword for just one minute and help me get her through this without upsetting her any further, Ken-san?"
"I am sorry. This unworthy one will shut-up now," Kenshin said, letting the doctor's words sink in. He tried to give Kaoru some much-needed TLC amidst her screaming and concentrated on making her feel more comfortable.
"You're ready, Tanuki-chan," Megumi said. "Now push."
And push Kaoru did.
Kenshin gazed anxiously at his wife as she gave birth to their first child. He could tell that she was not having an easy time of it.
No duh! You knocked her up pretty well, rurouni.
Shut-up Battousai, I don't need you right now!
FYI, rurouni, you're turning to jello at this very moment. I was always tougher than you.
I AM NOT going to lay golden eyes on my child on his first moments here on earth.
The little guy's not as much of a sissy as you are, sissy. He's tougher than you'll ever be.
Of course he'll be tougher! Little Kenji's got more going for him than I ever did.
Yep, he's going to be a kick-ass kid! We did good, rurouni.
Yes. At least we agree on one thing.
Who's the man?
At this thought, Kenshin remembered with great mortification his first intimacy with Kaoru on the night of their wedding.
He had been certain that he was so ready for it. After all, it wasn't his first time to make love to a woman…
Kenshin stared at the shoji door to the room he would be sharing with Kaoru the rest of their lives.
Alright, stud! Show her what you've got! You love her and you desire her. You will be phenomenal and you will make her the happiest woman ever to roll in the hay.
Battousai, we're in this together. I swear, if you lose control…
Yeah, yeah, but you know she'll ask for me some time…
Little-Kenshin started to act up at the mere suggestion of it.
Oro! Not yet!
Lighten up on the guy. He hasn't had any action for damn-well twelve years. It's only natural he'll be eager to meet Kaoru's…
Stop! My goodness! For shame! How can you be so crass about the woman we love?
A wise man once said that a blaze in the heart more often than naught causes a blaze way down below. What do you think Little-Kenshin is feeling?
But we want to please her, right?
In every way we can, you idiot! Now remember, you gotta hold off for her for as long as you can.
That goes without saying.
And you gotta treat it like the last, um, night of hers and your life.
Good! Who's the man?
We the man!
Who's the man?
We the man, de gozaru yo!
Been ready for this for over a decade!
Good! Now go in there and give her the best--
I get the picture!
Well then, get the hell in there!
Kenshin pushed open the shoji door and stepped into the room. Trying for a seductive leer, only to find himself staring at his wife who was currently slinking on the futon like a half-cat, half-angel wearing the sexiest, laciest and most provocative concoction known to man.
Who's the ma…HOLY…!
Kaoru smiled supinely at him and twirled a finger in a lock of her hair. She knew Madam Victoria would do the trick. "Like what you see, Kenshin?"
Wh-what do we do?
Oro! Ask Little-Kenshin. He seems up for the job.
Yikes! That was too naughty, even for me!
Battousai, I thought you knew what we were doing!
Well, we do! Dammit, where did she get that oh-so-wonderful lacey thing? How was I supposed to be prepared for a vision like that? God she's beautiful! I'm going to die!
I thought we were the MAN!
Er…we are! Now do your stuff.
Me? Why am I suddenly alone in this?
Idiot! This split personality thing is really getting to your head. We're one in the same person, you moron.
"Something wrong, Kenshin?" Kaoru asked, not looking the least bit worried. She was enjoying herself immensely.
"Absolutely nothing…" He sighed in a stupid daze.
She giggled and struck an even sultrier pose. "Then show me what you got, Himura."
Kenshin's world spun, his eyes rolling up.
Oro…that was too much…
And the great Hitokiri Battousai, famed and feared assassin of the Boshin Civil Wars, fainted dead away.
Well, of course they eventually got to it, hence their current fix, and they got to it pretty well. Hell, they got to it like there was no tomorrow, but not till after Kaoru got control of her delirious laughter.
It wasn't THAT funny.
Battousai had no objections to the thought.
All in all, their on-goings was the best you-know-what Kenshin has ever had in his entire life and perhaps the lives he had before. And judging by the noise she made, it was quite clear that the feeling was mutual.
How she can forget all that in this situation, conceding in point that it was an extremely painful one, was beyond him. He could only hope that she didn't find this experience too traumatic.
Kaoru gave a scream of exertion and then Megumi whooped.
A high pitched shriek sounded all over the room, overpowering Kaoru's gasps for breath.
"It's a boy!" Megumi cried, beginning to clean the child of the birth fluids that coated it.
"K-Kenshin, a son…" Kaoru whispered.
Kenshin stared at his child as Megumi wrapped it in swaddling clothes and laid it in the crook of Kaoru's arms. "I know…"
Kaoru didn't even admonish him for not telling her. She quickly fell to nursing their son in his first breath of life.
Kenshin stroked a delicate finger against the baby's forehead tenderly. "He's beautiful…"
"Isn't he?" Kaoru responded proudly, smiling down at the precious bundle. All previous death threats were forgotten.
Kenshin bent down and kissed their child's head, then his kiss found Kaoru's lips. No more words need have been said. After the kiss, he turned to his son again with love radiating from his eyes.
Who's the man?
This little prince right here.
Kaoru gave Kenshin a delighted grin and suppressed her laughter at the sight of Yahiko making the silliest faces at Kenji.
The moment visitors were allowed into the maternity ward, Yahiko pounced on the new arrival like a doting brother. Sometimes Yahiko spoke to Kenji in straight speech, other times it was baby-talk, but most times it was just faces, and what funny faces Yahiko made.
Yahiko was currently stuffing Kenji's fist in his mouth when Kaoru decided it was time to put Sano on the spot. "So, Sano, when are you going to ask Megumi to marry you?"
"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed. He could swear that Kaoru was developing fox ears like Megumi.
Sano gave a disgruntled sneer. "Never crossed my mind. Why don't you ask the fox-lady when she'll propose to me."
Megumi turned away in disgust. "Ugh! I don't know whether to laugh, cry or throw up. Why would I marry a free-loading punk like him?"
"Hey, I resent being called a punk," Sano said, crossing his arms over his chest.
Megumi grinned evilly. "Fine! Free-loading roosterhead!"
Yahiko doubled over in laughter. "Roosterhead!" He screeched.
Sano grumbled something about tanuki saying things she should just shut her trap about.
"I heard that!" Kaoru said, slamming her bokken on Sano.
"Ouch Jou-chan!" Sano yelped in surprise. "Jeez! For someone who's obviously getting some you sure are violent."
Kenshin and Kaoru glowered.
"Megumi-chan, tell your boyfriend to mind his own business," Kaoru said haughtily.
"Hmph! He's not my boyfriend!" Megumi said, turning her nose up distastefully. "Or I'd have been totally selling myself short."
"Hey! If it wasn't for guys like me, you'd be out of business!" Sano argued seriously.
Megumi fumed. "My practice could do more without guys like you! I don't particularly like making a routine out of setting broken bones courtesy of the idiot street fighter wannabe!"
They continued to bicker, and everyone else watched to enjoy it. It was times like these that Sano's wisecracking and Megumi's foxy wit was at its best.
"See those two?" Kaoru whispered to Kenshin. "They will go on like that forever. They will never marry."
"Oro! Dearest, you're not serious!"
"'Tis written. Auntie Nodoka said so," Kaoru said. "They will never marry at all. But they will have four kids."
Kenshin's astonishment was superceded by amusement. "I should have known. And Sano calls me a dog." He stared at the comic scene before him and he remembered another couple who lived and loved to fight. "I wonder how our grandkids are doing."
Kaoru giggled. "Oh Kenshin, I sure miss our Nerima friends."
"Yes. So do I."
"Even Ryouga?" Kaoru asked him mischievously.
Kenshin grinned. "Especially Ryouga. I have a lot of things to thank him for."
"Is that so?"
Kenshin nodded. "Ever heard of the expression 'pigs will fly…'?"
Back in the dojo, a full-length mirror flashed a luminescent white.
A bundle was expelled from its surface and toppled to the floor, gracing the receiving room with lacey bras and panties…
Author's Final Note: There you go, the end of this saga. Finally! Not like I wanted it to end or anything like that. This is the most fun I've had in ages. I know what you're thinking…and just for the record, I'm not a LOSER. At least, that's what I'd like to think.
Maybe I should do a sequel of the Kenshin-gumi going to Nerima. I dunno. I'll let the idea fester a bit.
Well, that was it for the saga, this is goodbye.
I really must go now, with tears in my eyes.
Thank the gods baka Bacon-breath gave ole Kenshin a whammy
If not, cute Tanuki-chan would have bokkened his fanny
It was the hand of this author, though admittedly sly
That a little pig in a story would actually fly!
Ja, mata ato de!