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Sam walked haltingly through the rows of headstones looking back every few feet to see Dean and Jack sitting on the hood of the car, watching him. He was almost there, he could make out the daisies, her favorite flower, that someone had already brought by. Sam was wearing his F.B.I costume, the only suit he owned and was holding stargazer lilies in his hand. Dean hadn't even bitched when he asked for the cash to buy them.
And he was there standing in front of Jess's grave, looking at the little photo of her there. He wasn't surprised to see the plot had a few bouquets of flowers on it, Jessica was well loved by her friends and family. Sam's eyes filled, his throat seemed to close up.
"I'm sorry." He said, the words coming out automatically. He tried constantly not to blame himself he tried to listen to what Dean said but he couldn't help himself. It wanted him and it went through her to hurt him, and he still didn't know why exactly.
"I'm sorry I haven't killed it yet." He choked. Hot tears burned his cheeks he was clenching his hands around the flowers so tightly that he felt a couple of the stems snap. He bent down to put them down on her headstone touching the cool marble reverently.
"I wish- I wish you would come talk to me again. Tell me what to do, cause I'm feeling a little lost here Jess sometimes." Sam said laughing mirthlessly at himself.
"You were right, with you gone I almost crashed and burned." He said. Sam looked over his shoulder at his friends waiting patiently for him. He asked them to hang back, assuring t hem that this was something he had to do by himself. They understood, of course they understood.
"But I have some stubborn bastards who wouldn't let me." He said. "Dean always pulls me back from the edge you know." He'd never say it to his brother and risk being called a girl.
"And I'm figuring Jack out. Starting to understand a little." Sam told her. He wouldn't do something so cheesy as to thank Jess for bringing the girl into their lives because he knew it wasn't divine intervention that kept them together.
"Dad's getting better at keeping us informed that he's still alive too. Even of he isn't here right now." Sam told her things that he never did while she was alive. The truth about himself and his family.
"I love you Jess. I'll always love you." Sam finished rising to his feet. He dusted off his knees standing there letting t he silence envelope him in a sort of calm. It wasn't okay, never would be but he knew he might be able to bear it now.
"She talked to me you know." Jack told Dean as they watched Sam from afar ready to spring up in case he fell apart. Ready to drag him back from emotional monsters just as readily as they would any other kind of monster.
"In that dream you and Sam had. Yeah, Sam told me." Dean said.
"No when I was….sleeping." Jack said. Funny the words she came up with for what happened.
"What did she say? Does Sammy know?" Dean asked in surprise. Jack shook her head.
"That's how I knew she was with Sam when it killed her, because she told me." Jack explained. "She told me I had to wake up, people needed me and all that. He left right before Sam made his appearance."
"Why?" Dean asked.
"I wondered that for awhile too. She said she had to leave but I think I get it now." Jack said biting her lip deep in thought.
"If he saw her there-"
"He might not have wanted to leave too." Dean finished for her. She nodded. Sam was getting to his feet now and standing still as a statue. A light wind ruffled his shaggy hair.
"I think you should tell Sam." Dean said. "It might help him." Jack looked at him considering this and if she would want to know if it was Chris who'd made a guest appearance in Sam's head. She nodded tracking Sam's movements as he started towards them. His face was wet with tears but he didn't look like he was going to come apart at the seams anymore.
Dean met his brother halfway to the car. He put a hand on his shoulder stopping him. He asked silently if Sam was alright. Sam sniffled and nodded. Dan patted him on the arm and grabbed his hand pressing the car keys there. He gave Sam a small smile and walked to the car, getting into the backseat. Sam looked down at the car keys, Dean's version of a hug and a show of how worried he was about Sam, that he as going to let him drive. Why was he getting into the backseat though? Sam wondered. He shrugged it off as Dean wanting to stretch out for a nap or something.
"Sam." Jack said to him with that same question in her eyes. He reached out and mussed her hair. He went around the drivers side and got in turning the key in the ignition just as Jack closed her door.
"I've got something to tell you." Jack said quietly. It was the volume and seriousness of her tone that caught his attention.
"What?" Sam asked surprised by how hoarse he was.
AN: On first draft I was going to go into their conversation but then I decided to just leave it there, let it be a quiet moment the way it would have to be. Hope you guys like it and I hope you check out the next story in the series. Thanks for the great reviews and for reading my stuff.