Prince of Persia: The Previews
Hey, guys! Since I don't actually own Warrior Within or Two Thrones, but have played them, I decided to write some previews for them that you might enjoy! Don't expect fics to come out, though.
The Prince ran. Leaping and bounding over beautifully rendered streets, he fled for his life as a dark power came after him. He was stopped partway in his progress by a dog.
"Oh, woe is me!" he cried. "Looks like an unbeatable obstacle in my way! Guess I'll have to use my amazing agility and athletic prowess again!" Sighing melancholically, he leaped over the dog, which was actually a sleeping puppy that had been de-clawed. The darkness, which had tentacles for some reason, consumed the puppy and continued after the Prince.
"How can I ever stop this from coming after me?" wailed the Prince petulantly. "Guess I'll have to go to the unbearable inconvenience of finding some water to cross! Why does life suck so much?" The Prince, in the years spent fleeing from the Dahaka, had apparently turned from an incredibly stupid would-be ladies man with a penchant for stripping and inappropriate English accents, into an incredibly stupid would-be emo kid with a penchant for crying about how nobody understood him and inappropriate swearing and T&A. This transformation had taken place due to him being unable to eat or sleep with the Dahaka being after him.
You see, to make a long story short, the Prince unleashed the Sands of Time in the last game, er, story. For some reason this changed the timeline, and the Dahaka was now after him to kill him. For whatever reason. Anyway, the Prince continued to run until he found the one thing that had ever stopped him, other than falling debris, piles of rock, undead enemies, lack of sand, stupidity, an annoying princess, and traps: a closed door.
"DAMMIT!" screamed the Prince, displaying his new love of profanity. His manly hands, so used to curling around a gymnast bar or clinging to ledges, scrabbled clumsily on the unfamiliar doorknob. "Why, oh why didn't the designers put in one more contextual action?" He banged uselessly on the door in an attempt to get somebody to answer, then… then the Dahaka got tired of chasing him or something.
The scene cut to the Wise Old Man (trademarked), who the Prince was hanging out with in a desperate attempt to make it seem as if he had friends.
"To avoid the Dahaka… HACK CHOKE," coughed the Wise Old Man, "who of course any given person knows all about… WHEEEEEEEEEZE!" He pounded his asthmatic chest while the Prince smiled indulgently and passed the morphine. "Thank you, young one…" The Wise Old Man popped a few morphine tablets and went on. "You must go to the… the Isle of Time, where… COUGH CHOKE COUGH WHEEZE… the Sands of Time originated! Travel back in time and go to the Isle of Time and keep the Sands of Time from ever… HACKETY HACKERS! Being created!" the Wise Old Man finally finished.
The scene again cut to the Prince on a boat. Somehow, despite being far enough back in time to access the very beginning of it, technology was at a fairly modern level. Also, he had somehow managed to charter a crew.
"This storm shows us no mercy!" he bellowed over the very calm and gentle breeze that was blowing and the tiny drops of water landing on the deck. "We shall respond in kind! That storm has it COMING!" The crew shook their heads in disgust as the Prince stomped off.
"I wonder why the Dahaka hasn't been attacking me," the Prince pondered. "Could it have anything to do with the fact that there's huge amounts of water all around me? …Nah!"
Suddenly another ship drew up to them. It was full of ugly monstrous fanged creatures. Then from below decks emerged a whorish lady who had for some reason decided to be their captain. The Prince drooled as her top slipped and came within a millimeter of exposing a nipple.
"Kill them all!" she shouted, and the fight was on.
A generic Godsmack song began to play as assorted combat scenes took place. The Prince fought a man that was bizarrely made out of crows, the slutty captainess, the Dahaka, random golems, and regular enemies. This showed off the brand-new combat system of dual wielding and button combos, a never-before-seen feature in a game.
"Why are you so gloomy and dark?" asked Kaileena, the love interest, as the Prince fought enemies who made sexual innuendo just for the sake of doing so.
"Because I haven't eaten or slept in years!" complained the Prince as he decapitated a harlot. "Which is possible!"
"Awww, he's a hungry tired widdle baby!" crooned Kaileena delightedly. The Prince almost exploded with rage.
The next shot showed the pirate hooker and the Prince fighting. She cut him across the face, giving him a dark and almost cool-looking scar.
"You bitch!" screamed the Prince. "I know we were fighting to the death, but that's no reason to slash me painfully! It's over between us!"
"Our relationship only consisted of your sketchy attempts to perform combos that removed my clothing!" she sneered back at him in a bad Eastern European accent. The Prince blushed and swiped with his sword at her bra fastener, which she blocked just in time to knock him into the sea.
The next shot showed the Prince opening a treasure chest full of… get this… ARTWORK! So now you get to see how the game looks like as a picture instead of, you know, playing it a little bit. The Prince treated this terrible attempt at replay value with scorn. Not like that method of turning around and walking in a different direction that evidently
constituted non-linear gameplay… now that's just classy.
A new scene showed some of the Prince's new moves. He could slide down large banners now! That's really cool! Yeah! He's, like, extreme sports, man, he drinks his yogurt through a tube now! Yeah, man! The Prince flashed a cheesy, Go-Gurt-stained grin as he valiantly slew an enemy.
"Do the Dew… watch the X-games… something!" he commented.
The rest of the preview was just a ridiculously fast sequence of MTV-like action, romance and more action. The letters flashed on the screen:
PRINCE OF PERSIA
"My parents don't know who I am!" wailed the Prince before he slit his wrists with a huge spray of blood. He then chickened out and rewound time. "Phew… consequence-free self-harm! How 2004!"
Did you like that, guys? I may do one for Two Thrones later, so review!