A/N: -hic- I think the Nyquil has a bit more alcohol in it than they're letting on. Writing a fic when you're sick and sleepy is not a good idea. If you're reading this, this means that I either edited the fic after some coffee and a good nap, or I posted this semi-smashed. -hic- I hope you laugh. ...Well, that's pretty much it for the author's note... Oh! Ongaku Niji either means 'rainbow music' or 'music rainbow'. Either way it works for me.

This is not a self insert. The main character and I aren't really similar... at all. He's nuttier than I am, and older, apparently... and male. Did I mention it's a boy?

Pairings? No. Chibi smex is too much for my fragile psyche to handle... which is why I can't see any pairings. Anything you spot is a figment of your imagination, or one of my editors being perverted.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Vexen. I also don't own Sephiroth's hair... It told me it needs it's own disclaimer. Nyquil is also not owned by me. -hic-

Summary: When a chibi mass-murdering general shows in our world, what happens? Obliteration by cuteness, that's what...

WARNING: Bold letters mean you should pay attention! This could be what you call a 'crackfic', though no drugs were used in the making of this fanfiction... That we're aware of. The urine tests haven't come back yet. This fic isn't meant to be taken seriously, in any case.

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Ongaku Niji

The Internets : A Fitting Beginning

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The Internet is a very scary place. It's full of goth journals, winkie enlargers and porn. Millions of people access it's fruits of knowledge every day for various reasons. Most of them do it to look up materials for school or business research, believe it or not. I don't. Others use the Internet for porn, which is what it was created for. It's creepy, weird, and most of all, addicting.

Bing.

"...Damn. Outbid again..."

I have just been outbid for a limited edition nic-nack that I really don't need. I think it was a decorative fish head that I could use to annoy the neighbor's cat.

"Buzz," says the door. It's much too cool to go 'ding dong' like all the other doors. No, my door is hip with the times. Or it could be broken.

Whilst pondering the need for a doorbell repair man(it was doing it's job, after all) I managed to will myself into motion, avoiding obstacles that may disrupt my journey. Before I could get relatively close to the large, wood privacy-giving and anti-burglar device I hear scratching noises. Take a moment and think. Could I have locked the cat-

Meow.

-must remember to feed cat. Maybe the neighbor's cat finally snapped and is attempt to escape the hell of pink ribbons and the expensive cat food(it's horrible, according to kitty). Maybe it learned how to push the doorbell, too. The dog barks, scaring the cat and making me reach forward and pull the door open. Of coarse, the dog is much too good of a guard to be disturbed from his comfortable place on the couch...

"Nya!"

Blink. Look left, look right. Maybe I was magically transported to Japan, because only Japanese cats say 'Nya' and get away with it. Everybody else is automatically stabbed with a chopstick.

Back to the matter at hand. Nothing left, nothing right, but I distinctly heard a cry of 'Nya' as I opened my favorite door. I look back to my dog, who is sleeping, then to my cat, who is... missing.

Ow! Damn ca- Wait... Is kitty stabbing my leg?

"Kitty?"

"Nya!"

All of my five senses are telling me not to look down. Look anyplace but down. Look at the dog drooling on the lumpy, green couch. Look at the pot of month old coffee/fungus on the counter! Look at the dirty dishes-

-I look down-

-damn.

Ahem. I look down to discover that it is not my kitty that is stabbing my leg, oh no. Instead of a ball of black fluff I see a veil of silver hair -- that was stabbing me with a rather large butter knife. At this point my brain shut down, as did the nerves in my leg that send up pain.

"Mama!"

The hair looked up with giant green eyes and the face of a moogle, and I recognize who it is. The realization made me question if I should hug it or hide under my sink.

"I am not a wo...man..."

Several minutes are needed to get the wheels in my brain turning again.

Blood staining carpet. Call cleaners in morning.

"...Sephiroth...?" I ask, as if it needed confirmation. The hair gives me the biggest, brightest grin I have ever seen.

Damn, that's what I was bidding on. A stupid Sephiroth plushie for my sister's birthday...

Looks like kitty escaped at the right time.

"Mama, nya!" The mini-SOLDIER pulls his mini-Masamune from my leg and clutches it with blood soaked hands. It's disturbingly cute.

"...I need caffeine..." No, I need booze. Lots and lots of booze... and a first-aid kit. Damn, I wish I was legally old enough to purchase alcohol.

First-aid kit first. Can't have the roommate made at us, can we, Sephy-kins?

I believe it is my lack of inorganic stimulants that made me come up with that nickname. It could also be my lack of kitty. Well, I couldn't call that tiny thing Sephiroth. It wasn't even two feet tall!

...Attempt to hold in uncharacteristic giggles...

Succeed!

...It's times like these when one must question ones sexuality.

Sephiroth, in my absenese of attention, tugs on my pants in an attempt to get attention. He could have been attempt to depants me as well. Pervert. I open the door to the bathroom and begin searching for the item that I seek. It didn't take me long to find the white box stamped with safety stickers, courtesy of the roommate's mother. She is such a caring woman.

"Nya, mama!" Sephiroth attempts to climb up my leg. I pull him off and place him on the counter so he wouldn't wander off. Though, if the mini-murderer wandered out of my house I wouldn't mind at all. Nope, not me.

Actually, it would be very likely that he would attempt to destroy the world, so keeping him here might be a good idea...

"Ow!" Damn peroxide. The cut isn't very deep, more of a flesh wound -the black knight always triumphs- and is easily taken care of. My brain isn't doing much work. It seems to have frozen upon the subject of the mini-SOLDIER turning up at the front door. Never mind that he was fictional, how did he ring that doorbell? Stop thinking. I look up to find Sephiroth missing.

Well sh-

"Crash!" says some unfortunate glass object in the living room. Better not be my monitor. I limp at an alarmingly fast rate to my living room. The site shocks me into... shock.

Sephy-kins is floating six feet off the ground, Masamune raised at a lump of blonde spikes. I look a bit closer and discover that this is no ordinary lump of spikes, but an emo lump of spikes known as Cloud. The ex-SOLDIER --in his head-- was clutching his mini-buster sword, powering up for some over-hyped finishing move. Sephy-kins looks so adorable, his eyes narrowed in chibi anger. Cloud looks likes a chocobo...

My brain turns quicker than it has all day, thinking up a quick plan to save Sephy-kins and all of my furniture. I mentally sigh when the plan comes forth, delivered by a mini-Vexen, dressed in a labcoat. It told me that I needed to see a psychiatrist. I promptly told it to sod off and lunged forward, blocking Sephy-kins from Chocobo-head.

THUNK!

Not the smartest plan of action, I'll admit. Who knew the buster sword was so blunt?

"OW!" I cry, a sizeable bump appearing on my head. Cloud blinked his blue eyes in confusion and Sephiroth gave a cry of 'MAMA!' when I hit the floor... That might be being a bit too dramatic. Really, I slumped to the ground in blind pain. Much more poetic.

Vexen agrees.

Cloud, apparently, hit a sesitive part of my noggin, I began to black out. Sephy-kins clutched the back of my shirt, glaring at Cloud over my shoulder like my cat. Where did kitty go? The chocobo in question was still attempting to process what happened. Did a giant just jump out of nowhere and save Sephiroth?

Yes. Yes he did.

The last thing I see is Cloud's worried --if you could call it that-- gaze and locks of bloody silver hair.

Blink blink.

We need to paint the ceiling.

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Ongaku Niji

One : End

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A/N: I think it's raining outside, only it's being very indecisive about it. -hic- I hear about thirty seconds worth of rainfall, then nothing for four minutes, then it starts up again. It's very disturbing. Well, that was the first chapter.

Next Chapter: Tiffy-wiffy and Zack make their first appearance. Raising the dead is fun, don't you think? Things are explained and the roommate is annoyed.

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