Disclaimer: If I owned GA right now I'd be contemplating what to wear to the Emmy's. Instead I'm contemplating if I should be sleeping instead of writing a fanfic. Do definitely don't own GA. And definitely writing fanfic, sleep is for wussies.
So I'm in the mood to write . . .with paragraphs and stuff, so working on my Season 3 isn't an option (but hold the fruit . . .I will work on in tomorrow, I promise). At the same time, I WANT to continue Hundred but I'm completely stuck on which way to take it. So I'm writing something new. So deal with it.
This takes place . . .umm well it will span the next 3 years, so at the end of this fanfic it will be 2010 I guess. And will be completely Derek's perspective, because I'm in a Derek mood right now. And I took a quiz and it said I'm Derek. So I like writing as Derek. Okay, I might throw some Mer perspective in, but it's starting out pure Derek. At least for this chapter. And yes, it's obviously Mer/Der, why waste time writing anything else?
Anyway hope you enjoy.
And this is the prologue, it happens now. Well not now now, now as in 2006 now.
For once, it's not raining in Seattle. There's a fine mist in the air, but no rain. Which is slightly fitting considering what you have to do. What you have done. It would be strange for it to rain tonight, it would have been too Seattle. And too Seattle just won't work.
Lights flash behind me as a car pulls up.
"Derek?" Her voice is soft and questioning. A smile spreads across your face. You really hadn't expected her to show up.
She sits beside you, filling the air with the smell you will always associate with her.
"Thanks for coming," you say, wondering if you mean it, or if you still will when the night is over.
"You asked, I came," she says with a shrug.
"You didn't have to."
"For some reason, tonight I think I did, Derek."
You turn and look at her. The street light above makes her hair appear golden and softer than usual. You want to reach out and touch it, but know you can't. Touching her is not what you came for. Her eyes look devoid of emotion, but you know better than that. She's your intern, your Meredith. You know when she's faking being fine, and when she really is.
She shivers slightly.
"Are you cold?" you ask, starting to shrug out of your jacket so you can offer it to her.
"No. Nervous." And with that, you know it's time you say your piece. She was willing to come. Against all odds, she came. You have to make it worth it.
"I signed the divorce papers, Addison and I are finished." you say, not knowing any other way to start the conversation besides plunging right in.
"Oh. Oh." She gets the cute Meredith thinking look on her face as she ponders your words for a minute. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think I am." you respond, slowly nodding. For once you think you might be telling the complete truth.
"What does this mean?"
You take a deep breath, dreading the next words that come out of your mouth.
"I'm leaving. I've already given my resignation to Richard, I leave for Maine in the morning."
And then you look at her, and wish you could take it all back. Her eyes have filled with tears, and her mouth has dropped open. She looks heartbroken, devastated and terrified. After all the pain you've caused her in the past, this is the worst. You never meant to make her look this way. You gently pull her into your arms, as you feel your own heart break and tears form in your eyes.
"I'm sorry, Mer. I'm so sorry."
You feel her shake in your arms and wish there was a way you could change things, make her smile again. But there's none.
"Why?" It's all she says.
"To find, I don't know, myself as awful and cheesy as that sounds. Meredith, the last year, it's been hell. And my head's been more than everywhere and anywhere. I need the quiet, I need to get away from it all. I need to find out where I'm supposed to be."
"You're not supposed to be in Maine, I can tell you that much."
You laugh, not knowing what else to do. "I think I need to run away."
Meredith pulls out of your arms now and looks at you. She's no longer crying but her eyes are rimmed with red. You feel like shit, you feel worse than you did that night Addison first breezed in. "Run away from what, Derek? Me?"
You grab her hand, desperate to make her understand. "No, Mer, never you. God, no. But Meredith, my life has become a mess here. A complete utter mess. I need to get away from that, find me again."
"You again?" she asks with a small sad giggle. "I remember that guy, flirted in elevators, got jealous of patients kissing me, ate Muesli every morning. Lots of smiling and laughing. I miss that guy."
"I miss him too. And I lost him in all this mess. I need to find him again, Mer. Please understand."
She takes a deep breath. "I do, I do understand. I just, I just wish you didn't feel the need to leave."
"So do I, Mer. But I can't change the fact I feel like I need to do this."
"I know." You smile as you realize she does. "Will you come back?" she finishes, her voice sounding shaky.
You sigh, wishing you had a straight forward answer to this question. "I don't know." You watch in pain as her face crumbles again, and rush to hurry on. "I want to, Meredith. I plan to. But . . ." You trail off, not knowing what to say.
"You're not making any promises."
"I'm not making any promises." There she goes again, finishing your sentences, making you wish for nothing more than staying with her.
"I'm guessing the next line is asking me not to wait for you."
"I'd love for you to wait for me Meredith. I'm not asking you to, but I'm not asking you not to. You do what you want, the ball is in your court."
Meredith laughs again, it sounds sad. "No, the ball is in Maine."
You laugh with her, amazed that she's still cracking jokes, as painful and sarcastic as they are. "I guess it is." You pause and search for what to say next. "I don't know how long I'll be gone, Mer. I don't know what my future holds."
She nods solemnly. "I'll wait." she says, in a voice barely above a whisper.
"I love you." You find the words slipping from your mouth. You didn't mean to say it, not tonight, not like this. But there they were. And you couldn't take them back. Nor did you want to. Maybe it's because she said she'd wait, maybe it's because she looked so damn vulnerable and beautiful. Maybe you just knew you couldn't last another second without telling her how you felt.
"I love you too", she responds, her voice sounding a lot stronger and more confident than yours had.
You reach into your pocket, searching for the real reason you asked her to meet and didn't just let her find out through the gossiping nurses. Your fingers close around the small object as you pull it out, gazing into her beautiful grey eyes. You always found it ironic her eyes matched her last name.
"I have something for you?"
"You do?" she sounds bewildered.
You open your palm and show the tiny ring that sits in it, sparkling blue, the stone your grandmother had always told you had matched your eyes. You hear a gasp escape her lips.
"It was my great-grandmother's," you explain to her.
"Derek, I can't," she starts but before she can finish you have it slipped on her finger. Not her left hand, her right one. It's not an engagement ring, it's a, well you don't know what it is.
"Yes you can. Wear my ring, Meredith. Keep it when I'm not with you."
Her cheeks are wet again, but this time she looks happy. "Of course," she whispers, looking down at it. "It's the colour of your eyes."
You smile, you didn't expect to smile tonight. "That's what she always told me."
"I'll miss you," she says gazing into your eyes.
"I'll miss you too. Constantly."
"I wish I could beg you not to leave, but I can't. You have to do this for you, I get that. I wish I didn't. These next, who knows how long, would be easier if I could hate you." And that's it, why you love her more than anything, anyone. Because she gets you. She has every reason to be mad, upset, angry. She has every reason to hate you. But she can't. Because she gets you.
"But then you wouldn't be wearing that ring. You know you love the ring."
She laughs, a happy one. You haven't heard it often enough.
And without thinking, you're doing another thing you hadn't planned, you're kissing her, with all the passion to last your living in Maine. You don't know who kissed who first, but here you were, devouring each other. Both your cheeks, hot and wet with tears, the salt running down near your mouths, changing the taste of your usually sweet kiss. It feels right. This kiss feels right.
She gently pulls away and stands up, turning to go back towards her car.
"I love you, Derek Shepherd."
"I love you too, Meredith Grey." The words are hard to get out around the lump that has formed in your throat. "I'll come back to you."
"You better." And with that she steps into her car and drives away.
And you sit and finally really let the tears fall and the sobs overtake your body. The rain begins to fall harder now, but you just stay where you are. Crying for yourself and for Meredith and all that you have already lost. Crying with fear that you may not find your way back, crying with fear that she may not want to wait. The sobs rack your body as you refuse to move, even though you know you should get some rest. Crying just feels more important right now.
But leaving is something you just know you have to do.
Inconveniently it feels like you're leaving the only thing you ever knew, the only thing you've ever wanted to know.
So you let the tears fall.
So someone please tell me I'm not the only one crying? Please? Because as I'm writing this I'm crying. And for that reason I'm not really writing much here. Besides the fact that this is definitely not a one shot. I have plans for this one, big plans. So it will be continued. Probably umm . . .Friday.
My only note . . .this is the first time I've ever played with 2nd person? How did it work? Should I continue with 2nd person for further chapters or switch it? Let me know what you think.
Besides you all know the drill . . .read, love, review.