Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho in any shape or form, and I definitely don't own Victoria's Secret. Nor do I own the Happy Song, which I've been informed originates from Trigun.
Fury: Stupid Mehki. You should have told me! You could have gotten me sued! -sniffle-
Mehki: Pah. Whatever. You're only worth about thirteen dollars anyway.
Warnings: Slight shonen-ai. Maybe more that slight…Expect OOCness from every single character. This is pure insanity. This piece of fiction is cruel to everyone and everything. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Notes: I swear, each of the Reikai Tantei are made fun of in this story. I tortured every single one of them. Poor things.
Also, I want to say that I have never been to Victoria's secret, and I've also never…erm…been thong shopping. So please forgive my lack of expertise. I'd also like to apologize for anyone that I may insult or offend in this fic. It certainly wasn't my intention, so please forgive me if you read anything you find offensive. You don't have to read this, if this story isn't for your tastes feel free to quit reading or not review. Feedback, however, is appreciated.
I'm pretty sure this one of the worst things I've written…I wrote it really fast in one night. Maybe I'll rewrite it in…a year…Anyway, this is pure crack. Crack, I tell you.
This story is dedicated to my best buddies Cate and Kel, who basically helped me come up with the story line. I only wrote it. Thanks you two! Mucho love!
I now present:
How I Spent My Saturday is a Secret
It was a Saturday afternoon in September when Yusuke decided to drag Kuwabara, Hiei, and Kurama off to the mall to go "shopping."
Kurama hated Saturdays.
Yusuke's idea of "shopping" was going to interesting looking stores and pulling every kind of prank imaginable. Although Kurama had to wonder how Yusuke and managed to drag Hiei to a mall of all places, the fox demon was decidedly glad he did. At least he wasn't alone in being sane.
Kurama also had to wonder why Yusuke hadn't been arrested yet.
The group of four had managed to avoid suspicion from other mall-goers and employees. Kurama had actually thought that maybe, just maybe, he and the others could walk away from this trip unscathed.
And then Yusuke spotted the Victoria's Secret sign.
It all went downhill from there.
Kurama had nightmares for a month.
Hiei was feeling distinctly amused as he watched the detective excitedly point to a pink sign above a store just a few shops down. He observed Yusuke poke at Kuwabara eagerly; he watched Kuwabara shake his head and blush but say nothing.
He watched Kurama grow paler and paler.
Oh yes, Hiei was very amused.
Yusuke was now dragging the buffoon and the fox to the store, yelling over his shoulder for Hiei to catch up. Said demon followed at a leisurely pace.
He had a feeling that this was going to be interesting.
Yusuke was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet as he whispered eagerly to Kuwabara. Kurama was standing stock still and looking up at the sign above the store with a rather sickly expression on his otherwise beautiful face.
Hiei tore his gaze away from his companions and peered somewhat readily inside the large space.
He tried to run, but Yusuke caught him and happily pranced into their awaiting doom.
"Do you think I should get Keiko one for her birthday?" Yusuke snickered, making a sweeping motion at the wall and racks before him.
Kuwabara chewed his lip as he surveyed the clothing dubiously. "I dunno Urameshi, that seems kinda cruel."
Kurama buried his face in his hands and rocked back and forth, trying to pretend that he wasn't in the thong section of Victoria's Secret.
Yusuke held up a vibrant pink and lacy undergarment. "Well? What do you think? Should I get it for her?"
Hiei's eye twitched.
Kurama uncovered one emerald eye from under his fingers. He gave a soft whimper at the sight of the pink thing, and recovered his eyes.
Yusuke laughed at his expense. "Don't worry Kurama, we'll be out of here soon enough. I just gotta pay for this, and we'll leave. I promise. 'Kay?" Yusuke peered into Kurama's face and shrugged as the redhead gave a quick nod.
Kuwabara breathed a sigh of relief; Urameshi said they could leave soon! He may not have been as traumatized as Kurama was by this whole experience, but that wasn't to say that he was happy about it!
He obediently turned to follow Urameshi to the check-out counter when a young employee stepped up to Kurama.
"Excuse me miss, but would you like to try one of these on?" The saleswoman held up a thong that held resemblances to the one that Yusuke held in his hand. "We're having a sale today. I'm sure your boyfriend would love to help you try it on." She winked at Yusuke and gave Kurama an encouraging smile.
Kurama looked like he was going to die right then and there.
Yusuke, on the other hand…
He sidled up to Kurama. "Of course, we'd love to try one," he said clearly, slinging an arm around Kurama's waist and giving the employee a beaming smile.
Kurama gave Yusuke a look that clearly stated that he thought Yusuke was insane.
The woman beamed right back. "Excellent? What size?"
Could Kurama possibly get any paler?
Yes, he apparently could. Yusuke's hand slipped from Kurama's waist as he gave his backside a squeeze.
Kurama froze; his eyes wide.
Hiei and Kuwabara's eyes were as wide as dinner plates.
Yusuke squeezed a few more times before cheerfully giving the employee his guess to Kurama's size.
She turned and motioned for Yusuke and Kurama to follow her to the changing rooms near the back of the store. Yusuke turned and gave Kuwabara and Hiei a roguish grin before pulling Kurama against him and following the woman.
Hiei and Kuwabara could only watch as the detective lead the fox away. They were each thinking the same thing.
Did Yusuke just grope Kurama!
"Yusuke!" Kurama whispered urgently. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Yusuke grinned and gave the fox's waist a reassuring squeeze. "Don't worry, Foxy, it'll be fine. Besides, I just wanna see what Hiei and Kuwabara will do…did you see their faces!" he snickered, "Oh man, this'll be great! Just wait until we come out half and hour from now and tell them that we were a little distracted and you couldn't really get the thong on…"
Kurama blanched. "Yusuke! You can't be serious? Plus, what the heck are we going to do in a changing stall for half and hour!"
Yusuke gave Kurama a dark, seductive look. "Of course I'm serious. Besides, we need to have some fun too, ne?"
The saleswoman closed the door to the changing stall. Yusuke locked it.
And Kurama knew that he was doomed.
"…what do you think we should do?"
"Nothing. If they detective wants to play with the fox, fine. I don't care. I just want to get out of here."
"Should we wait here, then?"
"I'll take that as a yes."
Kuwabara sat down against the wall and stared unblinkingly to where Yusuke and Kurama had disappeared. Hiei gazed off in the same direction, shifting his weight ever so slightly from foot to foot.
"Alrighty then…she left us two different sizes, just in case one didn't fit right sooo…off with the pants!" Yusuke grabbed a black silk thong and held it out arms-length to Kurama, dangling it from his fingers.
"Uh-uh. No way, Yusuke."
"Aw, c'mon Kurama, you'd look great!"
"I find that extremely disturbing coming from you. Absolutely not."
"Don't make me come over there. Off with your pants!"
Kurama's eyes widened and he back up another step. He wracked his usually calm kitsune-brain for another excuse. He found one.
"I can't try it on, they're made for women!"
Yusuke gave him a mischievous smirk. "Yeah, so?"
"I AM NOT A WOMAN!"
Hiei and Kuwabara winced.
"I wonder how it's going in there."
"Do you think…" Kuwabara hesitated, glancing up towards the front of the store. "Do you think that the sales people heard Kurama scream that? Do you think…" Kuwabara paled. "Oh crap," he rasped, "do you think they heard him, and now they're going to make him try on a man-thong!"
Hiei fell over.
"Jeez, just c'mere…"
"Get off of me!"
"Stop struggling Kurama, god…c'mon, this'll be fun!"
"No! You can't make me! Hiei! Kuwabara!"
"Shush, Kurama! You don't want anyone to find out, do you?
"Um…no, I guess not…"
A middle-aged woman paused next to the changing room, tilting her head as she heard the raised voices and the thumps and sounds that clearly indicated a struggle…or something like that.
She pursed her lips and shook her head as she walked away. "Kids these days…"
"Stop it Kurama, you don't want them to come in and find out you're a man! Just make this easier on yourself and try it on. I swear I won't look…yet."
"Excuse me sir, but are you sure you're in the right store?"
Kuwabara raised his head and looked up into the face of a pretty young woman. "Uh, yeah, I'm just waiting for my friends. They should be done soon…I hope."
They woman gave him a fake smile, blinding him with two rows of perfect white teeth. "Well sir, you're just sitting here, and some of our customers are becoming a little annoyed. So if you would please get up and maybe sit on a bench outside the store or browse a little? That would be greatly appreciated." Her smile dimmed slightly as she took in his facial features. "The former preferred."
Kuwabara looked slightly green. "Do I have too? I'm not feeling so great…"
The woman's smile widened and took on a slightly menacing edge. Kuwabara squeaked.
Kurama, now shirtless, back away from an excited Yusuke, who flung Kurama's shirt into a corner. "Good. Half-way there…" he gave the fox demon a grin that told him exactly what Yusuke wanted.
Hiei hung from a mannequin by the back of his cloak, his body swaying a bit. He hung his head and tried to think of a way to maybe, just maybe, stop the insane-ness. Which wasn't a word, he knew, but his brain was almost fried from the….insane-ness. Which wasn't a word.
Maybe he could sing the happy song…?
"Um, Hiei, help me!"
"Shrimpy! Help me here, you jerk!"
"I won't leave any man…alive…"
"Wait, no stay back! STAY BACK!"
"Let's begin the killings…"
"Stop, wa…What is that? What are you doing? HIEI HELP!"
La de da de da de daaaaa….."
"Yes! Now that we've got ya completely naked – which is quite the sight, wanna come over to my house once we're done shopping?"
"Aw, c'mon, please? I'm practically drooling here…"
"DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!"
"Sorry, sorry…anyway, let's get ooooooon the thoooooong!"
The evil salespeople were cackling an evil cackle. Evil, I tell you.
Hiei was still hanging from the mannequin.
As for Kuwabara…huh...I didn't know Victoria's Secret had an underground snake pit. That must be why they're on the first floor.
Half an hour later, as promised by Yusuke, he and Kurama exited the changing room. They were both fully clothed, though Kurama's shirt seemed to have more rips in it than it had when the boys had first entered the store.
Kurama fished Hiei off the mannequin as Yusuke went up to the counter to pay for his purchases.
Kuwabara was very suddenly standing a few feet behind Yusuke, and he looked a little worse for wear.
The Reikai Tantei walked out of the store. Yusuke turned around slightly and thanked the workers as they walked away, giving them a dazzling smile. The smile stayed put as he turned around and continued walking. He radiated happiness.
Hiei usually would have been disgusted…had he been his usual.
As it were, Hiei looked pretty much normal…except for the uncharacteristic widened eyes and the muttering under his breath as he glanced suspiciously from side to side. The insane-ness had obviously taken its toll on him. But of course, insane-ness wasn't a word. Was it?
Kurama walked mechanically forward, almost missing the turns the group had to take. He had a dazed look on his face…but he wasn't crying his eyes out or proclaiming that Yusuke Urameshi was a disgusting pervert who deserved to be devoured by fangirls either…
Kuwabara stalked angrily in the front of the group, trying to keep his ripped shirt on his tall frame. Passer-by were giving him odd looks. Not to say that he was the only one that deserved them…
Yusuke caught up to his taller friend and jerked his thumb over his shoulder back at the store. "Those Victoria's Secret people, I tell ya. Kinda crazy, aren't they?"
Kuwabara's look of sudden fear was enough answer for Yusuke. "Uh…yeah….kinda crazy."
Hiei suddenly looked up, his eyes wide. "Shhhhhhhhh! They'll hear you!"
Woo-hoo, can we say lame ending? But hey, it was all I could come up with at the time, so…..yeah…
Anyway, I hope you laughed at least once. This piece of fanfiction was thought up by three sugar-hyped girls at a sleepover at one in the morning. Honestly, this site should have a category for "crack"…