By Roby Carr
Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Supernatural or any associated material.
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"Do you ever get the feeling we we're not meant to do this?"
The hoarse voice breaks the terse silence in the small motel room and Sam Winchester can feel his brother's weight shifting beside him on the mattress they share. For a moment, he isn't sure if Dean is going to bother responding and he instead takes to squinting in order to make out his brother's form moving through the darkness until it finally is silhouetted by the bright bathroom light.
"Yeah... I guess... Sometimes..."
As Dean's form disappears into the bathroom, Sam turns onto his side feeling less than comfortable with his brother's answer. It had been so raw that Sam had almost detected regret in Dean's voice, an emotion Sam knows Dean will never admit to having shown.
Sam himself has thought of a different life plenty of times - one where he is finishing college and Dean is working in an auto shop. He won't ever mention it aloud for fear of being mocked so horrendously he'll never live it down. But sometimes, on the long nights keeping vigil over their latest haunt, those thoughts are the only things keeping him sane.
"But it's the family business, right?"
Sam tries to chuckle at Dean's sad attempt at a joke, but it comes out as a dry rasping noise. He can feel the covers being pushed back and his body responding eagerly as Dean's lips find their way to his, Dean's arms wrapping around him.
Oh, sure. The family business.
"Is it ever going to end? Our job, I mean?"
Dean is caught off-guard by the question, spoken quietly as so not to spook him. It's so sudden... unexpected...
It spooks him. So Dean looks up from his cup of black coffee. Sammy is sitting there, across from him, as he should be. But for once he's staring like this really matters and, no, Dean isn't allowed to make a cocky, smart-ass comment to get out of it.
That spooks Dean too.
"Are we ever going to get to be normal? I know we won't ever be really normal, because normally brothers don't have sex... but we could try, right?"
Sammy has always been so earnest. He says these things and Dean knows he means them. Not just by his tone but because Sammy is biting on his bottom lip again, just like he always used to when he felt stupid saying something but he couldn't help it. He always said he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he wasn't honest with Dean.
Sometimes Dean hates it. But if Sammy hadn't be honest, they never would have gotten together in that cheap motel in Ohio.
"Just forget it, Dean. I shouldn't have even mentioned it."
And Sammy gives him a small, utterly small smile. He's tired and Dean can see that he's trying to be strong but it just isn't working anymore.
Sometimes Dean hates this. But he looks down at his coffee and prays to whatever there is out there - he's never seen God but a reaper almost killed him, so maybe he should pray to that guy - that Sam won't bring this up again.
Next time he won't be able to take it.
"You love this, don't you? You know, fighting demons and that stuff?"
Sam knows he sounds child-like as he asked this but he couldn't help it. His gaze was fixed on some point just out the window and his couldn't stand looking Dean in the face, for fear that his brother will see the betrayal in his eyes.
Dean loves this, Sam is just sure of that. Dean never says it but Sam watches him and he can tell you everything. Dean gets a thrill heading out to face something that just might kill him, an adrenaline rush each time a bullet is shot from his pistol, a jolt of ecstasy after coming home to a dirty motel room covered in the remains of their latest quarry...
...sometimes Sam worries Dean loves that more than him.
"I don't love it. It's just our job."
Suddenly, Sam wishes that he'd been watching as his brother spoke. He needed to see the look on his brothers face so that he could be the judge of what Dean really means. Is it just a lie meant to pacify him until he finishes this little charade and gets rid of Sam? Or does he really mean it?
Sam doesn't really know if he could survive if his brother lied to him.
"What if I couldn't stand it? I can't stand it, Dean. I can't stand how we are. What if I want to leave as soon as we find whatever killed Mom? Would you come back with me?"
Sam feels sick to his stomach suddenly, all to sure that Dean will answer and Sam will know he's lying.
Or even worse, Sam will realize he's not lying at all.
a/n; Oh! My first Wincest! I'm so proud. And it actually turned out a lot better than I expected. A lot of confused Sammy, which is just how I like him. I've read so many Wincest fanfics that I'm surprised this didn't come sooner.
Truth is, this fic started out as a song-fic to Jennifer Lopez's 'Ain't it Funny' which I've been meaning to do a fic to for a really long time. But my mind just wandered off that track and I decided the song quickly came to a point where it just didn't mesh as well with the story as I would've liked it to.
Well, not much else to say except that I'd really enjoy hearing what everyone else has to say about my little Dean/Sam one-shot. I'm thinking of possibly doing another fic for this fandom too (although it will be more like an actual episode and therefore have no Wincest, awww).
- Roby Carr