Title: As In A Potion Kink
Summary: Harry being literate does not always equal something smart.
Warnings:A teenagers mindset.
Disclaimer:All characters are property of JK Rowling.
"Harry please! Ron is being a baby about it and hides every time I want to test a potion. I've already told you that I've went over every detail and there can be no harm of testing the potion. It's just veritaserum and it will wear off in about a hour. If it doesn't work the most that will happen to you is you will have a bad cause of hiccups the rest of the day. I promise you that you have absolutely nothing to worry about." Hermione argued. Earlier in her seventh year at Hogwarts, Hermione had persuaded Professor McGonagall to help her convince Professor Snape to allow her access to an old potions lab in the dungeons. She had used the reasoning that while she made top marks in the subject the practical application gave her slight difficulties and she needed to have more than top marks in potions to get into the Magical Research & Development department after graduation.
Of course, McGonagall had been supremely pleased with Hermione's choice of how to use her intelligence after Hogwarts and had badgered Snape for weeks before he finally gave in. She wasn't allowed to use the school potion supplies and had to order all of her own ingredients, cauldrons, and other tools she needed for more advanced potion works. Snape had grudgingly given her extra credit and absolutely refused to compliment her good work, but occasionally Hermione would catch Snape glancing at her work approvingly.
At the moment, however, Hermione needed a test subject for a perfectly harmless batch of veritaserum. She sat and stared Harry down as he glanced forlornly at the exit of Hermione's potion lab. He sighed dramatically before giving in to Hermione.
"Alright. If anything bad happens it's entirely your fault." Harry told Hermione. She glared at him and literally stuck the dropper down his throat while giving Harry the potion.
"Sweet Merlin Hermione! Are you sure you aren't trying to kill me?" Harry asked as he gagged a little. Hermione smiled prettily at him.
"Oh Harry, like you aren't used to it" Hermione turned back to bottle a sample of the potion and rather childishly coughed out the word 'slut' at Harry.
"I'm dreadfully offended. Like I would do any of the such!" Harry struck a theatrical pose, "I who wait for the day my one true love, my soul mate, will come and sweep me away to their bed. I who save my body, my chastity, for the sweet love we shall partake in. How dare you condemn me of such a devious deed. For such a atrocity as having affairs with many."
Hermione gave Harry a thoughtful look before taking notes on how he acted immediately upon consumption. From her readings she knew that veritaserum took only second to work, and Harry had been spouting a bunch of bull shit for over a minute. She sighed and made a not in her schedule to compare her notes to the recipe she used and to test the consistency later on. Maybe the slightest difference rendered the potion useless?
"You can leave now Harry or you can stay here and do the extra homework Professor Snape assigned you for exploding your potion yesterday. You really should pay more attention to what you're doing. Imagine if I hadn't caught you and you had added lacewing flies a few stirs later. You would probably still be recovering from convulsions and burns." Hermione continued to berate him for not taking his studies as seriously as she thought he should.
"Alright Hermione!" Harry shouted over her tirade, "I get your point. I'll do the stupid definitions. It shouldn't be to hard anyways. I only have to look up the 500 most basic of potion ingredients. Yes, I should be done in no time." He added sarcastically.
Hermione glared, "Well obviously my potion was a spectacular failure. I'm slightly miffed, so if I were you I would sit down, shut the hell up, and do my 500 damn basic potion ingredient definitions like a good Harry." Harry squeaked a 'yes mam' and pulled out the huge dictionary Snape had kindly provided him with.
"A Wizards Complete Book of Complete Definitions of All Known Potion Ingredients of the Known Universe" Harry read the title of the twenty pound book. He then looked towards the list Snape had provided him with.
"Alright so, aconite, I know that one from first year. Better look it up anyways, knowing that bastard, Snape, if the definition isn't completely word for word from the book he'll give me 500 more definitions." Harry flipped about ten pages before he finally found the word.
"Aconite." He murmured to himself as he wrote, "Also known as monkshood or wolfsbane, is a species of Aconitum…oh screw this I'm not copying three paragraphs full of shit. I'll just short hand the answers. Screw Snape." Hermione glared hard at the back of Harry's head as she listened to his monologue. Then he started hiccupping and her glare changed to a look of triumph.
Harry continued his work way into dinner and only took a break for a quick run to the kitchens for some sandwiches and then he was back at work. The assignment was due tomorrow morning and he'd be damn if he got another 5 weeks of detentions with Snape. Harry had scrubbed cauldrons everyday for the past month and had gained a lingering smell of potion ingredients about him that couldn't even be gotten rid of with a cleaning spell.
The next morning Harry dragged himself out of the dorms to late for breakfast but with just enough time to make it to the dungeons. He had his punishment assignment firmly grasped by his hands and was exceedingly pleased with himself for finishing what Snape probably thought of as an impossible task. He would show that bastard.
"Mr. Potter how fortunate enough that I was momentarily stopped on my way to the dungeons this morning or you would most assuredly be doing my cleaning for another month. However, I'm sure you will be doing so anyways." Snape said as he stepped in the classroom right when Harry reached his seat. Harry didn't set down but followed Snape to his desk.
"Hah!" Harry said grinning, "I completed all 500 of the definitions. You have no reason to give me detention." Harry looked terribly pleased with himself as he slammed the papers on Snape's desk and walked back to his seat.
Snape appeared unfazed by Harry's haughty retreat to his desk. The whole classroom was silent, as usual. Confrontations between Professor Snape and Harry Potter were legendary. Even Snape's Slytherins had given up teasing Harry after seven years of daily arguments between the two men. Snape picked the papers up, glanced at them, and put them away to read later before standing up and readying himself to give a lecture.
"Oh Potter," Snape said as he turned from the board for a moment. Harry looked up at him from were he was getting out a new sheet of parchment, "Detention for being an insufferable dunderhead." Snape then smirked evilly at Harry before continuing to write on the board. It actually put a smile on Snape's face when he heard the thud of a head impacting with a table, not that anyone could actually see his face.
The next few hours went by quickly for Harry, who kept his mouth shut and his hands to himself, not stepping a toe out of line, for fear that he would be stuck in the dungeons longer than just one detention. He even silently slipped into the potion's classroom and silently as he could started to scrub cauldrons. He guessed the Professor had gotten used to him being there every afternoon to clean so Snape usually left him to his devices with the threat of horrendous pain if he should fail to complete his assigned task. Today, however, was evidently not Harry's day because Snape sat at the desk in the front of the room reading something. He looked to be deep in thought, so Harry chose wisely not to say anything.
Professor Snape has come back from dinner and went to gather whatever papers he had to grade from his classroom like he did every day. Potter's punishment assignment caught his eye and he sat at his desk and begin thinking up ways to discredit Potter's definitions even though they were probably straight out of the Potions Dictionary he had given to the boy. He glanced at Granger's potion journal she turned in weakly and thought about reading that first.
He only ever admitted to himself that the girl had decent ideas for improvements on various potions, and her venture into a veritaserum potion with no side effects that could be taken by the dropper full instead of just a few drops was a smidge intriguing, but he decided he wanted to use his red pen instead.
He could already tell that Potter had not managed to write a complete definition for any of the vocabulary and was about to just start detracting points without reading what the boy had written when a few words caught his eye and he decided to look more closely.
1. Aconite also known as monkshood or wolfs bane, is a species of Aconitum. Aconite. I want a co nite with Professor Snape. As in I want a collaborative nite with Snape also known as a co nite of a coming together or a co nite of a cohabiting experience with Snape. We can even have a co nite of a coexistence together as species of animals often do.
Professor Snape was never more glad that his surly disposition stopped people from lingering in any room he occupied. He was also glad he had a few minutes more before the Potter who had wrote such a thing showed up. He read over a few more of the definitions.
6. Ashwinder Eggs often found in love potions are taken from the Ashwinder snake moments after they are lain. Ashwinder Eggs can be found in dark, secluded areas and give off immense heat, burning easily. I would like to look for Ashwinder Eggs with Professor Snape. He could show me his dark, secluded areas and I would help him give off immense heat. I want to winder with Snape. As in I want to winder around Snape, and I want to wind him up.
21. Bicorn horns are commonly used in the poly-juice potion and are usually used as a finely ground powder. Together with Professor Snape and I, we can be defined as bi-corn. As in two horn like parts are better than one and I want to put our bi-horns together.
104. Horned toad is an ingredient used to change an appearance or to blend with surroundings like the animals itself. The horn like spines of the toads head are usually used in household cosmetics. Professor Snape can be horned with me all he wants to. As in his horn can blend in with his surroundings I.e. me.
Professor Snape had been so lost in reading the definitions that he hadn't noticed Potter's arrival. He glanced over the top of the parchment in his head and narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the boy. Potter didn't seem to be the least bit embarrassed being in his presence after what he had written. If Potter wasn't going to be uncomfortable after writing such dribble then Snape wasn't going to be uncomfortable being in the same room as Potter.
Snape would however continue to read Potter's definitions. Some of the play on words the boy had come up with were truly fascinating. Snape also didn't mind the ego stroking.
347. Puffer-fish Eyes are found in a common swelling solution. One must be cautious when gathering puffer-fish eyes for the insides of a puffer-fish are highly toxic. Professor Snape probably wouldn't need a swelling solution for anything. Like a puffer-fish, Snape is highly toxic and can puffer up quickly. As in please would you puffer up and contaminate me with your toxins.
363. Snake Venom is more often than not used in what the Ministry of Magic has labeled dark potions. It is only attainable by the potion master harvesting or gathering his or her own. Usually the brewer must come in direct contact with poisonous snakes and so many substitutes have been discovered. Snape can be considered a snake and I bet his venom has to be harvested or gathered. As in I want to harvest and gather Snape's snake venom. I want to come into direct contact with his poison.
Snape continued reading even after Potter had long been finished scrubbing cauldrons and cleaning the classroom. It was passed midnight when he finally finished reading. For a few moments Snape wasn't quite sure what to make of Potter's words. They had surely been enlightening to say the least. Evidentially the Potter boy held some deep seated sexual fantasies about him, or it was all an elaborate hoax.
Potter, however, had never been classified as anywhere near 'bright' or even remotely intelligent by Snape's standards. He was sure that any other person advice would be for him to either talk to the boy himself and explain to him that it was only a phase of having a crush on an idol or teacher of his because of their experience or to at least get someone else to talk to the boy.
Snape had never been a man of many morals. Screw the good advice. He was going to torture the boy., but first, to let things stew about a little while.
Over the next few days Harry was a little frightened by the way Snape smirked every time he looked at him. The man was practically giddy with laughter every time he berated Harry. Harry unfortunately wasn't very giddy at all. He had just served his fourth detention of the week. It wouldn't be so bad if the reasons for Snape to dole out punishment to him had not been so absurd.
Today he had 'spilled his toxins on the work station' while working on a fairly easy potion. Harry had absolutely no idea what the hell Snape had been talking about, but the man had been almost pleasantly ignoring all other occupants of the castle. Most of the students were overjoyed about the fact and Harry had been on the receiving end of several ominous threats should he piss Snape off enough to knock him off his high.
Hermione has been pleased with the result of her botched veritaserum attempt. Instead of decreasing the chances of death by over consumption, which she had to a certain extent because Harry wasn't dead, she had found that the consistency lead the potion to finding other outlets for the truth to be spoken.
"It's all really fascinating Harry. Ron reacted normally in the experiment. He spoke the truth freely, experienced no side affects, and was able to remain lucid. Did you know that 4 drops usually sends the person into a sleepy daze for several hours. That's why the Ministry sets the standard for veritaserum used during a trial at 3 drops. This is a phenomenal breakthrough Harry. He was actually able to carry on all day as if he hadn't taken the potion at all. Plus, he absolutely couldn't lie today. That's why he couldn't answer Professor Flitwick's question aloud because he didn't know the answer and therefore couldn't tell the truth. Seamus, however, could tell a lie today but he couldn't write one. The dosage I gave him had a slightly lower consistency and that was the only variable I was experimenting on. I absolutely have to let Professor Snape see my work! This could be the discovery of the decade. Isn't this all so marvelous?" Hermione gushed about her potion findings while Harry could only nod and pretend that he understand everything Hermione said. It was a perfected art form that most Gryffindors had.
Hermione immediately gathered all her potion journals and the books she had been cross referencing and hurried to the dungeons.
Professor Snape was rudely interrupted from his monotonous, daily activity of grading papers by Miss. Granger hurrying into his room making exclamations about her work.
"Quite down you moronic girl and actually tell me what you came here to tell me." Professor Snape snarled and the girl's excited fit immediately calmed and she began to hand him several pages of notes.
"Letting the jobber knoll feathers soak in murtlap essence for a day before adding them to the veritaserum decreased the consistency of the potion. The diluted potion doesn't work the same as normal. The person taking the potion can still lie using their voice, their words, but the potion takes a different route and uses lesser methods of communication like writing or gestures. Also by adding moonstone during the last day of the lunar cycle decreases the risk of a normal consistency veritaserum overdose by giving the person more emotional balance and so they are able to escape the sleepy daze they would otherwise have experienced." Hermione said all in one breath.
If Snape hadn't had previous experience with the overly excitable overly intellectual type before and didn't happen to be of that type himself then he probably wouldn't have caught a single world of what Granger had just said.
Snape suddenly had a really evil idea.
"Miss. Granger, though I am loathe to do so I must congratulate you on your discovery and work well done not matter how much your pestering gave me headaches and your constant nagging for approval riled my nerves. Though I am a potion master and could confirm this as true, I am your teacher and some would call that bias for some reason. These people seem to think I would actually like someone. I will send this off to The Postion Master's Board of London for you. I also assume this means I will be forced to write you the recommendation you've been pining over like a silly woman." Snape stopped and grabbed up the stack of parchments he had kept with him for several days now waiting for the perfect timing.
Perfect timing, Hello.
"Take Mr. Potter his assignment and get out of my site." Before she had completely left the room in her bewildered state from having gotten a compliment from Snape, Snape added, "Oh, and tell Mr. Potter he has detention tomorrow for his misguided and atrocious affections."
Hermione quickly scurried back to the Gryffindor dorms. Professor Snape had not seemed as interested in her work as she thought he would be, but she was not one to seek the wrath of a teacher, especially Snape. The parchment in her hands was thick and seemed to have been leafed through several times. She could tell by the sloppy name at the top that these papers were the definitions Harry had written at the beginning of the week after he had taken a dose of the veritaserum.
After he had taken a dose of the new, improved upon veritaserum.
Harry had still been able to lie vocally, but what if like Seamus Harry had let certain thoughts flow through the quill and onto paper that hadn't necessarily been appropriate? Seamus hadn't even realized he had handed in a paper labeling Professor McGonagall as an old hag several times until she had read his paper on advanced animal transfigurations. He had been honest when he said he had written from his research. Dean had even seen him writing and copying from a book.
Copying from a book.
Hermione stopped before she reached the Fat Lady. Maybe she should make sure Harry hadn't said anything to make Professor Snape want to kill him in his detention tomorrow. She should make sure she didn't need to tell him to skip out of the country before tomorrow.
Hermione's eyes got wide and she covered her mouth with her hand to stop from screaming as she read a definition Harry had written.
88. Erumpent parts are used in several exploding potions and piercing potions. The horn of an erumpent can pierce almost anything and contains a fluid that explodes. The species is somewhat endangered because of the tendency for males to blow each other up during mating season and therefore potions requiring erumpent parts are few. If Snape just happened to take only several qualities of an erumpent I wouldn't mind. I want Snape to pierce me and explode within me. I want Snape to be erumpent with me. As in I want him to e-rupt with me. I will help Snape e-rump all that pent up energy.
Oh no. She better hurry and get to helping Harry pack. Professor Snape was surly going to kill him tomorrow and chop him up for potion pieces. She had read a text completely on the uses of humans in potions. While gruesome she was very fascinated at the thousands of uses for a fingernail clipping.
Hermione gave the password to the Fat Lady and strode into the common area of Gryffindor tower. As was the case for most nights, Harry was the only one up. It had become routine for Harry to get a detention from Professor Snape and to spend his evenings down in the dungeons cleaning. The other teachers didn't even both to scold Harry anymore since they knew he was already in trouble for something with potions usually being Harry's first or second class of the day. It also meant that Harry had to often work late into the night to get all of his homework plus the work Professor Snape liked to give him as a punishment.
Wait. Hadn't Harry turned in his definitions at the beginning of the week? So, didn't that mean that Professor Snape had probably already read all of Harry's writing? Like she had noticed before, the pages had been leafed through a few times.
Is that why the Professor had been less surly than usual?
Hermione found herself not as disgusted as she thought she should be. Professor Snape was a sarcastic but intelligent black cloud on society and Harry, the boy-who-lived to be an overly dramatic pain in her ass, deserved as much. Maybe Professor Snape merely intended to sweep Harry off his feet and into Snape's bed.
"Harry. I have your definitions from Professor Snape. He asked me to bring them to you, and his exact words to me were, 'and tell Mr. Potter he has detention tomorrow for his misguided and atrocious affections'. Really Harry, if you care for some one you should show your affection in a more romantic, less perverted way. You're always spouting about 'true love' and being swept off your feet then you go and express your feelings in such a perversion of words. I am happy for you, however appalling you act when in love." Hermione sighed flittingly and headed towards the girl's dorms for the nights.
Harry stared after Hermione blankly for a good five minutes trying to comprehend everything she had said to him. Yep, he had definitions back, detention with Snape, was a pervert, and in love.
"Merlin damn it all! I've got detention with the great greasy bat again!" Harry wailed quietly and let his head flop forward into his hands. Although, for all his efforts all he got himself was a mouthful of parchment. Not so tasty really.
Harry could only stare as he noticed the grade Snape had given his definition. One damn hundred points by Merlin. He, Harry Potter, had received full credit for an assignment and an assignment that was assigned to him as punishment. He didn't even copy all the definition correctly and most of them were from his own knowledge and not the book. Harry started to read over his long parchments and he could not stop the horror from settling in his mind.
57. Dragon Eggs are used in many types of strengthening, health, and energy potions. The eggs are also found in several potions allowing squibs to attempt magic for they represent magical power. Snape will need a potion for energy and strengthening after I take a drag on him. As in I want to take a drag on his eggs. Then he can draggle them all over me.
He had not written that. He had not written that. He had not written these definitions. Harry had not written these definitions. Harry Potter had most definitely not written these definitions.
These were not even definitions. They were lewd perversions. Harry had not written these awful words and to Snape of all people.
Harry's breathing increased and he was on the verge of a full fledged panic attack. Oh Merlin just spite him down now! He even had detention for his atrocious attraction. How could he face Snape after Snape had read these things and believing that Harry had written them to him. Harry might as well dice himself into small pieces, pickle his eyes, chop his heart into slivers, and find him a nice shelf in the potion cupboard to spend the rest of his days. He might as well just dive into the potion.
Apparently someone had to have cast some sort of copying charm on his handwriting and then wrote all these lewd things and switched the papers before Harry handed them in. Someone must be trying to get revenge for the defeat of Voldemort. That's it! It was a deatheater, no doubt about it.
Or it was Hermione. That she devil probably did this to teach him a lesson on why he shouldn't be so dramatic during serious times. Hermione has had it out for him about homework ever since they first became friends. This must be her plot of ultimate revenge, to embarrass him rather tremendously in front of Snape. Hermione meant for him to graduate Hogwarts with absolute zero self esteem and probably finger-less since Snape was involved. Hermione and her schemes to get him to do school work. Hermione and her stupid potions.
Wait. Had he not ingested a bit of one of Hermione's stupid potions? A truth speaking potion. Oh dear sweet Merlin what if he experienced the same effects Seamus had? Had he subconsciously admitted to having a deep seated primal urge to fuck Snape in all possible meanings of the word. Blast it! He was doomed! His subconscious had feelings for the great greasy bat of a potions master.
"HERMIONE!" Harry wailed extremely loud as Hermione made her way down into the commons area. She turned hesitantly towards Harry, who appeared to be on the verge of crying.
"Can I help you with something Harry, dear?" She smiled sweetly and gathered his books for him before leading him out of the Gryffindor commons before he created an even bigger scene than he already had.
"Do you think it's possible that I experienced what Seamus experienced after being subjugated to your whack up of veritaserum? Could I have maybe, accidentally, on some subconscious level had revealed my most definitely subconscious feeling for Snape that I didn't even know I had to Snape?" Harry asked as he shakily handed the bundle of parchment to Hermione. Hermione glanced at the papers fondly remembering some of Harry's less than subtle hints of wanting to get down and dirty with Professor Snape.
"Well, it is likely. However, it is not very likely that you had these feelings without having any clue what so ever as to what you have been feeling for the Professor. Maybe you remember having dreams or fantasies about him and you expressed them while under the effects of the veritaserum?" Hermione asked him.
"Hermione I've never dreamed about Snape. Had a fantasy about Snape or even randomly found something attractive about the smug bastard. Maybe my theory that a deatheater performed some elaborate plan to make Snape so incensed with me he actually kills me for revenge." Harry continued to ramble on about how these were his last moments intake with all his appendages and human like attributes.
Hermione meanwhile had a plan.
"Harry I happen to have a little bit of regular veritaserum on hand. I'm only going to give you one drop. It should only influence you to tell the truth not force you to." Harry allowed her to administer the potion. She took his hand and lead him to a little known side door off the Great Hall in direct view of the Professors' table.
"Now I'm going to open this door and you are going to look at Professor Snape and say the first thing that pops into your mind about him. Alright?"
"Alright." Harry got a serious expression on himself and clenched his fist ready to prove that he had absolutely no feelings for Snape the greasy bastard extraordinaire and certainly no want to have sex with the git.
"One...Two...Three!" Hermione threw open the door and they both immediately sought of Professor Snape.
"That's one hell of a sexy ball of sarcasm. I would so love to get my hands on Snape, or better yet he could put his hands on me. I wouldn't mind to terribly much. I bet he is a kinky bitch too. I most certainly would not be adverse to being his naughty school boy. " Harry said to Hermione like it was an every day thing for him to sexually admire Snape. Hermione's jaw dropped and Harry's face became aghast.
"How is this possible Hermione? How is it possible that I'm completely smitten with the man and apparently have been for some time and not even know it? It's preposterous!" Harry exclaimed frantically. Hermione thought for a moment before turning her back towards Harry and beginning to explain it all to him.
"You see Harry you been experiencing a type mental suppression and your mind has been in such denial that all sexual thoughts of Professor Snape are immediately sent deep within your subconscious mind." Hermione then turned her face towards him and adapted a drawl in her voice that usually categorized a smart ass Slytherin. "You, Harry, have been re-pressing Snape's buttons that you know will make him take notice in you. It is obvious from the amount of denying about the subject on your part. As in you have been in a state of dismissing, eschewal, non-acceptance, incongruity, abnegation, loathing of your want to get Snape delighted and in bed isolated somewhere alone."
Hermione gave Harry a finishing smirk before leaving him standing gaping at her retreating back.
Harry passed the day with a gigantic ominous dark cloud hovering above his person. Most steered cleared of his clearly agitated person and Harry relatively spent the day huddle in a dark corner of his mind sulking.
When the time for his detention came, Harry had to be forcefully manhandled down into the dungeons and had received several inquiries to his health. Currently Harry was glaring at the potion classrooms door waiting for it or himself to spontaneously combust. When the door opened and smacked him in the face it made his day all that more worse.
"Mr. Potter. You are ten minutes late for detention. Are you so ignorant that you aren't capable of simply opening a door any longer?" Snape asked as he smirked down at the boy laying at his feet. Harry continued to lay on the ground. Snape nudged him not so gently with a foot.
"I'll just lay here and you can kill me now. Okay. Thanks." Harry lifted up his head to say and then let it flop back onto the floor. Snape gave him a harder nudge with his foot that dug under Harry's ribs and made him curl up.
"Than who would clean my classroom? Get your pathetic excuse for a person up and start scrubbing cauldrons." Snape turned and headed back into the room. Harry glanced around a few times making sure he was still alive. Damn it, that ruled out the deatheater conspiracy theory he was still hanging on to.
It was eerie how Snape just watched him as he scrubbed cauldrons. Snape never watched him during detentions. Snape called him a dumb ass in very colorful words and then stalked out or graded papers and ignored him completely. This hole watching him work thing was very creepy. He's probably thinking about everything I wrote in that stupid assignment. Harry sighed and as he went to get a cleaner rag he tripped over air and made a spectacular nosedive into his bucket of dirty water.
Snape was really starting to wonder how such a clumsy, ignoramus could have even thought about some of the things the boy had written, or maybe Potter was such a pervert that it came to him naturally. He watched as Potter got out of the water bucket and cast a charm to clean and dry himself. Maybe he could deal with such stupidity as long as he got the nice physical package of Harry Potter to go along with the senselessness.
"Mr. Potter." Snape said from his desk where he was casually wresting his chin in one hand.
"Yes, sir?" Harry asked as he continued to scrub cauldrons and trying to act casually. He was failing stupendously.
"We really must have words about your seemingly attraction to myself. For example, I have a copy here of your recent assignment, in which number ninety-one reads :" Snape glanced down to the parchment on his desk.
"Graphorn Parts are useful primarily in defensive potions. Mainly the powdered horn of a Graphorn is used in potions, but occasionaly Graphorn hide, which is stronger than dragon hide, is used. I want to grap horn Professor Snape's parts. As in I want to grab on his horn or he can grab on my parts. Professor Snape can be quite defensive but I bet he is very strong when we graphon each others parts."
Harry was thinking about drowning himself in his bucket of dirty water. He could probably make it look like an accident and Snape would probably give anyone asking the excuse that he thought Harry was enjoying the water. Alas, he would rather go out in a dramatic fight to the death or a tragic love gone wrong. Drowning just wasn't very 'Harry Potter'.
Harry turned around and idly scratched his hide while smiling sheepishly.
"Well you see, what happened was, Hermione made me take some her experimental veritaserum and I was writing funny things apparently without even being consciously knowledgeable about what I was writing. So this means that it was the potions fault and you can't kill me." Harry told Snape as he inched towards the door thinking to make a run for it if he accidentally said something entirely stupid.
Snape stood slowly and moved around his desk heading towards Harry, who became more panicked with each step.
"On contrary Mr. Potter. The fact that your were under the influence of Miss. Granger's veritaserum, which works just fine, proves that you in fact did mean every word of your assignment. I myself am particularly fond of number 273 and have committed it to memory.
273. Lovage is most efficacious in the inflaming of the brain and is used in confusion and befuddlement draughts, where the wizard is desirous of producing hot-headiness and recklessness.
And even though this is only partially correct and I would have immediately gave you zero credit on the whole assignment for completely lousing up a simple first year question. You completely forgot in your ignorance that lovage is also known as levisticum officinale and is used in culinary and is a medicinal herb. However, I do believe the next part of you wonderful definition deserves attention and full marks.
Maybe I can slip Professor Snape a draught that will make him reckless with me. We could have much lovage together. Professor Snape can love me all he wants as long as he is physically aggressive in his lovage with me. As in, please Professor Snape will you participate in some lovage with me?
It seems Mr. Potter that you were thinking of drugging me and using my body against my will all for your own sexual satisfaction. Unconsciously, of course. " During his monologue, Professor Snape had backed Harry into a corner and was predatorily crowding Harry's personal space with a very haughty smirk upon his face.
All Harry could think about was how Professor Snape made sure to remember something that he could use to make Harry do whatever he pleased to make Harry do. The great greasy git would tell everyone that Harry was plotting to rape him and that he had proof of a plan. He
He was also deliriously thinking about how Snape had said 'sexual satisfaction' and how that really didn't sound so bad at the moment. Yes, please Professor Snape. I want sexual satisfaction. Preferably with you right now against the wall, or would you prefer your bed. Anywhere is find with me, so lets go get horizontal. Vertical works too or diagonally. Parallel and perpendicular also.
Oh Merlin please smite him down and banish his godforsaken existence from Earth! Or at least could you please control his mind and maybe his hands. Yes, his hands please. Harry's hands where dangerously close to ripping off Snape's teaching robes. Especially with the bastard so close.
So much for repression and denial.
"Err. Umm. Well you see. Umm..." Harry tried to explain but was clearly too distracted planning his doom and trying to keep his hands and other body parts from attaching themselves to Snape's person.
"Very articulate of you Potter. One would think that after having written five-hundred definitions all pertaining to having sexual escapades with your potions professor and not a single one repeating any previous wording, you would be able to form coherent thoughts and lucid words." Snape gave Harry a disgusted look but refrained from backing away and abandoning his plan, "Though I do suppose it is a little much to ask a brain dead moron to think. I suppose your brain has shriveled up and it will be pointless to even ask you to try and thing."
Harry really wished that Snape hadn't decided to start actually talking to Harry. Harry was just fine when Snape sarcastically and venomously ripped his self confidence from his body and finally sliced and diced it like a potion ingredient. Everything made much more sense when the hatred and loathing for Harry was apparent just by being in the greasy bat's presence.
Apart from that, was Snape hitting on him in an off-handed way? Man the bastard pissed him off so bad sometimes.
"Well I at least understand every other word you say and I was most definitely coherent and lucid enough to get the point across that I would very much like to have sex with you, wasn't I?" Harry said angrily. Snape's eyes got a fraction of a inch wider and whatever the man had been going to say had been forgotten with those words.
"Umm... What I meant to say was..." Harry stuttered realizing what he had inadvertently admitted. See there went the 'saying something stupid'. He knew he would say something stupid soon since that was how his conversations with Snape usually went.
When Snape stopped him from sprouting more gibberish about how he only accidentally said he wanted to have sex by taking his lips in a kiss. Harry didn't really complain that much. There was the initial, by Merlin you greasy bastard get your evil tongue out my mouth, but before he got good and pushed away ready to say something, Snape grabbed him back up and forcefully shut him up.
Severus rather liked Harry now that he had gotten the boy to stop talking. As long as Harry only opened his mouth for things other than talking, Severus was just fine. He was right, Potter was pretty likeable when put to good uses.
Later, the next night, Harry finally turned up in the Gryffindor common room. There had been whispers that Professor Snape had used him for potion ingredients or given him a permanent detention and some students even gossiped that Harry Potter had been hung by his toes in the dungeons.
Harry hardly noticed the stares and practically floated over to Hermione. He sighed with a dreamy smile on his face as he fell into a chair in front of the fire.
Hermione stared at her friend over the top of her book with a suspicious look on her face. She sniffed lightly and realized that the smell that Harry usually carried after hours of scrubbing cauldrons was none existent. He smelled rather of ginger.
"Harry, mate, you smell all girly. So you've been with a girl, good show!" Ron commented as he walked by on his way to the boy's dorms. Harry merely nodded and Hermione narrowed her eyes and his unfocused expression. When Ron was gone and they were relatively alone in the common room Hermione set her book aside.
"Why do you smell like ginger? What potion did you take? There are a few I've read about that leave about a strong ginger scent." Harry turned his lazy smile towards her and she could see the mischievous look in his eyes.
"Snape made me take a wit-sharpening potion and talk dirty about potion ingredients while we had sex." Harry told her calmly.
Hermione choked on air and had to take a few seconds to regain her breath.
"Did I just hear you right? Your having intercourse with a professor? When I was kidding with you yesterday, I never thought you would take action on your feelings or that Professor Snape would do such a thing as fornicate with a student. Please tell me your joking Harry!" Hermione demanded of him. Harry's expression of satisfaction never left his face.
"I'm sorry Hermione. Surprisingly Snape has a potions kink and my definitions really did it for him. As in we had a-co-nite together; He let me ashwinder around him and like a puffer-fish he became a horned toad andwe put our bicorn horns together in which much graphorn-ing was involved, afterwards I took a drag-on his eggs to help erumpent his snake venom, all in which there was much aggressive lovage included."