Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
(do as we say) Or The Piggy Gets It!
"All right Deidara-senpai, I can do this, I'm all over this!" Tobi saluted.
"You dont know what we're doing yet." Deidara pointed out, and Tobi deflated.
"It's something to do with Konoha, right?" Tobi asked, eagerly pointing to that village in the distance.
"Something like that . . . yeah." Deidara said, inspecting a finger nail. "Here's what I'm gonna do . . . I'm going to distract the Hokage's little assisstant, you go into her appartment and snatch her little pig, okay?"
"As orderd Deidara-chan!"
"And don't call me that."
"You can't complete your mission if you're dead . . . yeah." Deidara warned.
Tobi held his tongue for a moment, what was he supposed to call Deidara then? Deidara Sir? Maybe mister Deidara? Mrs. Deidara? To be totally honest he wasn't really sure what the heck Deidara was, it seemed rude to ask. Was she a kind of flat chested girl with a few rough edges, or was he just an abnormally soft featured young man with long hair . . . Deidara only let him get away with something three times (or less) so if he didn't guess right this time he'd get hurt . . .
"I'll do what you want, Deidara-sama!"
Deidara's eye twitched but she . . . or he, whatever, seemed willing to accept that, and flew off on a clay bird.
Tobi blazed a trail through the forest to the village hidden in leaves . . .
In the privacy of her own home Shizune, assistant of the Hokage could do anything she liked, live out her wildest fantasies, enjoy her most forbidden of dreams and please herself with the most base of things.
Like a dancing pig.
The heck were you thinking of?
Little Tonton was so cute when she danced around in her little jig, Shizune laughed merrily and clapped her hands as her beloved pet jigged about the room, and who the heck knew why?
Maybe Tonton was uncomfortable in its pearl necklace, maybe it didn't like the fancy red vest it wore, why the heck did people put clothes on their pets?
Well Shizune did it so that Tonton could look her best of course, the greatest pig in the world deserved to look good damn it!
And it didn't matter what anyone else said, because she was not an over indulgent pet owner!
And who cared if she was, because there was no stinking man in her life to actually handle those little issues that women have from time to time so all that energy that could have been wasted on her own children if some guy would just freakin' commit had to be directed towards the adorable little pig Tonton and . . .
Well anyway needless to say young Shizune loved her little pig.
She'd do anything for Tonton, she'd walk through fire, or water, be ripped appart by angry cats, explode in a brilliant blaze of fire and then be trampled to nothingness and she would still arrive at home in time to give Tonton her dinner.
Because that was love, baby!
That's right she was totally all for this pig, she'd do anything because she'd make a darn fine mother if that bastard would just call her back one of these days and-oh crap she was late for work!
"Bye Tonton!" Shizune cried and she rushed out the door.
The pig jigged around for a few more minutes, then realzied no one was going to take it outside for its walk this morning and cossed its legs.
Which didn't help, Shizune would have some cleaning to do by the window when she got home.
Oh well. Wasn't Tonton's problem, and she'd never have to worry about being badly scolded because she was a spoiled little piggy and she knew it.
Deidara watched Tobi advance on the appartment of the Hokage's assisstant.
Yeah . . . Deidara really didn't have any intention of creating a diversion. The assassin just sat back in a tree, hands behind head relaxing waiting to see whether or not Tobi could get past the village's security.
Tobi climbed up the wall, laboring hard to accomplish his task and please Deidara-senpai!
If Deidara was a girl maybe she'd like him and think he was cool, and if Deidara was a boy maybe they could be buddies!
Whatever . . . so long as he stopped getting blown up Tobi would be happy.
He finally reached the window and fell in.
Wow, he hadn't thought about how dangerous that could have been, he could have broken his neck or something . . . good thing he landed in something soft and warm . . . something sure smelled bad though.
He got up and looked around, "Little pig, little pig?" Tobi called. He made a clicking sound and rubbed his fingers together, the pig didn't show.
"Here piggy pig piggy, here boy!" Tobi sighed and gave up. Deidara was going to blow him up again, he just knew it.
So he'd die on a full stomach, he went into the fridge.
Wow! There was some great stuff here, he would totally just chow down and never mind if Deidara got mad because he'd be so happy he'd be able to sound the grumpy assassin right out!
There was chocolate, and ice cream, and chocolate ice cream and lots of ten second ramen cups and a sushi plate that looked like it'd been last night's dinner, and milk too, Tobi hadn't had milk in a long time!
He reached into the fridge and heard an enraged squeal, with a scream of "BUKEE!" A weird kind of pinkish ball slammed into him!
Tobi fell back with a grunt, still holding the carton of milk, he looked at his arm-which really hurt-and saw the little pig had latched onto it and was biting his wrist like there was no tomorrow.
The he noticed the writing on top of the carton of milk, it said "Tonton's Special Piggylixer (for bright eyes and soft skin)"
"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know it was yours!" Tobi said, releasing the milk and in turn being released by the pig, which ripped the top off of the carton with it's sharp teeth and began to drink like mad.
Tobi snuck back over to the fridge and stole some chocolate, shoving it into his black and red Akatsuki coat he then shut the door and was about to leave.
Oh wait! He'd found the pig!
He went back to grab the little devil, but it sensed his return and growled.
He took a step back. Did piggies growl?
His mommy never told him about growling piggies, so what the heck? He began to back away slowly.
It was too late.
"Help me Deidara-sama!" He screamed as the pig leapt after him, biting him in the back, they both went down!
They rolled on the ground, Tobi tried to claw his way back to the window but Tonton had him by the ankle and was dragging him away, dragging him away to who knows were! That evil pig!
Tobi clawed more furiously in his attempt at freedom, he kicked his legs wildly, unwittingly hitting Tonton in the head several times until the pig went unconcious.
Tobi crawled and screamed a bit more, then calmed down, looked back at the pig and realized what he'd done.
"All right! I'm so awesome! Did you see Deidara-sama? Oh wait, Deidara-sama is creating a distraction . . . ha, gotcha pig, now you're coming with me!"
Tobi walked over to the little pig he'd knocked unconcious and felt a little bad, "Oh I'm sorry piggy, I didn't mean it!" He cried, hugging the little pig.
It bit him.
He shoved it into his coat and leapt out the window . . . then remembered he was rather high up.
He waited expectantly for one of Deidara-sama's big clay birds to swoop in and rescue him, but it didn't happen.
Deidara-senpai must be a guy, women are more dependable.
Tobi flapped his arms in his own attempt to fly and through dumb luck caught a tree branch before he fell to his death.
He got up and ran like mad for the city gate.
Deidara had fallen asleep in the tree.
The Akatsuki member woke when that annoying newbie, Tobi started shaking the tree trunk, "Oh no, they got Deidara-senpai! I'm alone behind enemy lines and I can't find my way home!"
Deidara fell out of the tree and slowly, calmly counted to ten.
Cool villains didn't lose their tempers over such silly things . . . yeah.
"I got the piggy, Deidara-sama!" Tobi said proudly, handing his superior the unconcious pig.
"Uh . . . good. Now I guess we'll just wait for . . . did you fall in a pile of crap?" Deidara suddenly asked. There was a stain on Tobi's chest and he smelled like . . . well, you know.
Tobi looked down and said, "Naw, my chocolate's probably melting! Here Deidara-chan, I got some for you too!" Tobi said, handing Deidara some chocolate.
The assassin took it with an uncertain hand. What was on Tobi's coat sure didn't smell like chocolate . . . "Thanks . . . yeah. But I already told you not to call me that!" Deidara said, and flicked a tiny bit of explosive clay at the masked member of Akatsuki.
Tobi blew up again, and lay twitching in a small crater while Deidara scooped up the pig and held it close, "Now go deliver this ransome note. Don't read it because if you do it'll blow up . . . yeah." Deidara said.
Tobi got up and grabbed the note and ran off. There was a not so distant explosion and Tobi came trudging back.
"You tried to read it?"
"Yes." Tobi said.
"What did we learn?" Deidara asked.
"Always listen to Deidara-senpai." Tobi said, and Deidara could almost hear him pouting.
Deidara sighed and wrote a new self destructing ransome note.
When Shizune got home she dropped her bag and stared at her appartment!
It was like a war zone!
There were claw marks on the ground as if a lion had been trapped inside, there was a pile of pig feces by the window, her fridge was open and Tonton's special milk was laying on the ground ripped open, and stuck in her wall by a kunai knife was a picture of herself and Tonton, along with a note.
Dear assisstant of the Fifth Hokage of Konoha. Greetings.
We have your little pig and if you want to see her again you will do as we tell you, when we tell you, how we tell you, in the outfit we tell you to do it in, in whatever weather we tell you to do it in! Give in to our demands and your piggy will be well taken care of. Fail to do so, defy us in any way, report us to the authorities . . . and the piggy gets it.
A little further down, in different and rather messy handwriting was another note,
P.S. I stole some chocolate, hope you don't mind I just hardly ever get to have any and I couldn't resist. Love Tobi! and there was a little heart on the bottom.
Shizune stared at the paper in disbelief for a moment, then flipped it over.
P.S. This message will self destruct five seconds from the time you put it down . . . yeah.
So she dropped it, and it did.
When the smoke settled Shizune ran to her window and screamed, "No, Tonton, my baby!"
Well she'd do anything, anything to get her Tonton back . . . no matter what it took!
Deidara felt pretty good about how the day had went until Tobi, who'd been assinged to holding the pig after it bit Deidara so many times, and was now being bit by the pig in turn asked "Deidara-senpai, what are we going to make that girl do to get her piggy back?"
Deidara frowned. "I dunno." The assassin finally decided.
"But it's your plan!" Tobi protested.
"Tobi, a cool villain can make up plans as they go along."
"Oh . . . I understand Deidara-sama!" Tobi said, saluting.
Deidara yawned. The young artist would think of something for Shizune to do tomorrow.
To Be Continued . . .