(Update Regularly) Or The Piggy Gets It!
"So Deidara-senpai . . . I'm just wondering . . ." Tobi was saying as he attached a leash to the pig. "Why do I have to give the piggy a walk?"
"Because you're expendable . . . yeah." Deidara said.
"But . . . as the senpai you should be more capable in this field." Tobi said.
"Tobi . . . I've got one arm. If I were attacked while walking the pig I'd have to let the leash go in order to defend myself. You can use your super One Hit KO Jutsu with one hand."
"I can?" Tobi blinked, "Well okay then! You got it Dei-chan!"
"The heck did you just call me?" Deidara demanded, fist clenched.
"Blow me up and you damage the piggy!" Tobi warned.
Deidara scoffed, "Think you're clever eh?"
"Not at all Deidara-sama, I just think you can unleash your unhealthy violent rage at a later date." Tobi said, scratching his heaad. "Why, did I say something clever?"
"No, more like incredibly stupid." Deidara said, making a little explosive birdie. The one armed ninja threw in a "yeah."
"Is that really necessary, senpai?" Tobi asked.
"Oh it's on . . . yeah! You practically challenged me with that little comment of yours!"
"Uh . . . please Deidara-sama, remember the piggy! Y-you don't have to prove anything to me!" Tobi pleaded.
"It's cool of you to say . . . yeah. But we're Akatsuki, so I've got a load to prove! Here goes!"
"I regret nothing!" Tobi cried as the little Boom-Boom Birdie zoomed in on his face and blasted him back ten feet.
"Hah . . . hah . . . you sure are amazing Deidara-sama." Tobi grumbled, lying on the ground about ten feet away from the piggy.
Luckily it was a long leash and the pig didn't get away. It did charge at and begin to assault Tobi's hand.
"This is fun, let's see how much you can take!" Deidara said, whipping out a flight of Boom-Boom Birdies.
Yeah . . . life was hard but every now and then it was . . . good.
Tobi was fun, he just would die . . . yeah.
Shizune took a long sip from her canteen.
The desert was a dry place, but that was where Sunagakure, the Village Hidden in Sand was.
That's where the biggest fan she knew of could be found.
She fastened her goggles, tightened the straps on her fifty pound pack, she was so totally ready to set out on the three day trek.
"For Tonton, for justice, for freedom and for fans!" Shizune cried.
"Hey Temari!" Nara Shikamaru said.
"Hi!" The blond woman waved.
"The heck are you doing here?" Yamanaka Ino screamed.
"What? I'm uh . . . here for the Chuunin exams." Temari said. "Shika-kun and I are working together, I'm uh . . . a go-between."
"Still?" Ino demanded.
"Yeah." Temari said.
"Jeez Ino . . . calm down." Chouji said. "It's not like you even like Shikmaru . . . right?"
"Shaddap, Chouji! And you, hussy, why'd you call him Shika-kun?" Ino demanded.
"Doesn't matter." Temari said. "We're not the focus in this story."
"The hell we're not!" Ino cried, "Hey wait . . . what story? What are you talking about?"
Shizune would have listened to more of the idiotic teenage bull crap. Except, oh yeah, she didn't give a damn!
What she did care about . . . was Temari's fan.
So she figured . . . yeah. She had to get that away from that girl.
Luckily Temari was blond and therefore stupid, just like Tsunade-sama, Ino, Naruto, and Gai.
Shizune cracked her knuckles . . . she wouldn't need to go all the way to Suna if she could nab Temari's fan.
After all, it was pretty darn big, and it was perfectly capable of fighting off anything, heat waves or what have you.
"Hey Shizune-san, why are you all dressed up?" Ino asked, spotting her.
"Never you mind child, never you mind!" Shizune cried, "Go back to your stupid squabbling!"
"Yes ma'am!" Ino cried, then turned on Temari, "You just keep your distance girl, you're eighteen now so if you do anything with Shikamaru it'll be rape!"
"But I . . . I'm really just a go between for the villages." Temari said.
"See that it stays that way!" Ino snapped.
"Not that I'm intimidated by you in the least--you lower tier Chuunin--but okay." The older girl shrugged.
"Yeah. This is just business." Shikamaru said. "So Temari, where do you want to go for our meeting?"
"How about that new romantic restaurant you told me about?" Temari asked, winking at Ino.
"Sounds good, let's go." Shikamaru said, similarly winking at Ino as he and Temari set off holding hands.
"What the heck?" Ino demanded.
"Uh . . . could just be business." Chouji said.
"Alright. The bee-yotch is goin' down!" Ino cried.
"I'm still wondering why you care." Chouji said.
"I don't!" Ino screamed.
"Well then do you want to go out?" Chouji asked.
"Heck no! I mean yes! Yes I do! Let's go to that romantic restaurant!"
"Uh . . . you're just going to spy on Shikamaru, aren't you?" Chouji sighed.
"Yea-no! No I'm not! Let's go!" Ino cried.
"Look, forget it. If you're just going because of Shikamaru you can go alone." Chouji said.
"Fine! Be that way! I don't need you!" Ino cried.
"I'll go!" Shizune cried suddenly.
Ino stared at her.
Boy had that been stupid.
"I uh . . . I have a plan. To help you out. Y'know, one medic-nin to another. We've gotta stick together. So . . . let's get this blond bimbo!"
"I'm blond!" Ino squealed.
"Uh . . . yes, but you're not a bimbo?" Shizune offered.
"Well said, let's roll!" Ino cried.
Deidara sat atop a tree branch watching some morons do . . . stuff.
"Hey, those look like those guys that took out Sasori-sama!" Tobi said, climbing up to Deidara's branch.
Deidara gapped, "Tobi, what the heck are you doing in my tree?"
"You're always in trees Deidara-senpai, I wanted to see what was so great about it." Tobi said as he clung to the branch for dear life.
Deidara could help him. But why bother? In fact, "Tobi, where's the pig?" Deidara asked.
"Eh? What?" Tobi cried in surprise when suddenly the little pig leapt from out of nowhere and latched onto his back and began to viciously attack him!
"Ahh! Ahh! I found the piggy, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi cried as he fell out of the tree.
Deidara snickered. "Heh-heh . . . loser. Yeah . . ."
But the rogue ninja stared at the group that Tobi had indicated. That sure was the bunch of slime balls that took out Sasori.
Deidara didn't really care since there had never been a great deal of love lost between the two artists, however . . . that guy with the mask had been the one to dice up Deidara's arm.
The Akatsuki member glowered, "Bet you wouldn't be so cool without that mask . . . yeah." Deidara said.
"So the Lord of the Land of Wind refuses to allow Suna Genin to participate unless you can guarantee that there won't be a repeat of last year."
"Yes, Hokage-sama promises to button her top up all the way so they don't fall out again." Shikamaru said.
"That's a relief." Temari sighed. "How are the bra negotiations going?"
"She says she'll die first, but we've gotten her to close up her top so it's a start." Shikamaru said.
Shizune leaned against the chair, "Okay . . . I'm going to sneak in there and steal her fan, then you can kick her butt." She told Ino.
"Heck yeah! Wait, do you really think I can take her? She's a Jounin!" Ino said.
Shizune smiled warmly, "Of course you can! You're a Knohoa ninja, you'll do very well."
Plus Shizune didn't care one way or the other . . . so long as Ino distracted Temari long enough for her to get the fan to the Akatsuki.
"Okay . . . so when do we act?"
Shizune thought for a moment, "Okay, okay, now's as good a time as any. You just jump out and distract Temari, I'll snatch the fan and run, you take her down."
"Got'cha! And Shizune-sama . . . why are you helping me?"
"Why do you care if Temari and Shikamaru like each other?" Shizune shot back.
"Touche. Very well, we keep our reasons to ourselves. No one ever knows we worked together, we keep it quiet, right?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Get out there and create a distraction!" Shizune cried.
"Yes ma'am!" Ino cried, and she leapt out.
"So then I tell Naruto 'it's called a Chuunin exam, not a-oh hello Ino." Shikamaru said cheerfully.
"I don't get it." Temari frowned, "Oh! Ino. Hi. What do you want now?"
"Your head on a pike, you blond temptress!" Ino cried.
Temari sighed and stood up to accept the challenge, but Shizune sprang forward and snatched the fan! She then dashed as Ino leapt at Temari.
She didn't stick around to find out how it all ended. She didn't care, not in the least . . .
But she'd put her money on Temari.
Deidara stood, burning up and slightly annoyed, at the drop off point.
Tobi was still "playing" with the pig, but Deidara figured this shouldn't be so difficult as to require two Akatsuki members.
But man was it hot! That fan better be huge!
As expected, the Hokage's skinny assistant showed up, and Deidara was pleased to see that she did not have a bottle of liquor.
"Okay, I've got your fan!" She cried, throwing a huge black . . . log or something at Deidara.
Even with one hand the assassin was capable of catching the thing. Deidara examined it and sighed. "Were your parents blood relatives?"
"Uh . . . I don't think so." Shizune said. "I take it you don't like the fan?"
"Well in all fairness it is a fan . . . yeah." Deidara said.
"Well there you go, I want my baby back."
"Problem is . . . I'm a villain, I don't care about fairness . . . yeah. And besides, how'm I supposed to cool off with this?"
"Well you can make your henchmen fan you." Shizune pointed out.
"I don't really have henchmen. I mean there's Tobi but that's it."
"Well then you're not a very cool villain then, are you?" Shizune pointed out slyly.
Deidara scowled, "What do you know? You know nothing! And . . . and Tobi's a good henchmen even if he is a little weird . . . yeah! Like a really dopey little brother! Anyway this fan doesn't cut it, not by a long shot! You want your pig back you bring us . . ." Deidara had an odd thought.
There wasn't much left to want from Konoha, but there was one thing that Deidara wouldn't mind. "I want a picture of that masked guy's face. You know, the one with the eye. Take off his mask and bring me a picture of his face . . . yeah. In fact bring me the mask too, I want it . . . yeah."
"Uh . . . how'm I gonna do that?"
"Well I'm not asking you two do anything that might compromise your values, even though a cool villain would . . . yeah. Hmm . . . on second thought I do want you to compromise your values 'cause I am a cool villain, no matter what you say . . . yeah."
"No, no, no, nothing like that. I mean how do I get a picture of his face even if I did get his mask off?"
"That's you're problem . . . yeah." Deidara shrugged.
"Well fine . . . but after I get the mask do you promise I'll get my piggy back?"
"And a picture . . . yeah." Deidara reminded.
"Fine, whatever." Shizune said. "But I get the piggy back after that right?"
"I said 'yeah' didn't I?" Deidara demanded.
"But you say that all the time . . . yeah." Shizune said.
"Are you mocking me?" Deidara demanded.
". . . yeah." Shizune admitted.
Deidara scowled, "Fine, just for that the piggy gets it . . . yeah."
"No, please!" Shizune wailed.
"Then bring me the mask and the picture!" Deidara demanded, "You've got just two days, then I get bored, blast the pig and leave . . . yeah."
"Don't you worry, I'll get you what you want, just don't hurt my Tonton until then!"
Deidara sighed. How many more times could the Hokage's nitwit assistant screw up such simple requests?
To Be Continued . . .