Title: I Will Remember You
Pairing: Will Turner, Jack Sparrow
Summary: You can only push a person so far before you can't reach them any longer.
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with anything to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. Everything, but this story belongs to Disney.
I Will Remember You
There have been far too many times that Jack has openly humiliated me in front of the crew, making me feel like a fool as much as disrespected. There have also been times when we have fought within the confines of the cabin and just when I think we have resolved our disagreement he will bring it up in front of the crew at supper time and they will all laugh at me as if I am the one at fault or I am being childish. I am unsure if they do this to please the Captain or if they truly agree with him, but their laughter doesn't sound forced to me and it seems far too genuine.
The crew has never liked me though; ever since I joined them they have secretly glared at me and said things about me behind Jack's back. I haven't said anything to Jack because I know that would just give them more cause to hate me. They have also come to know me pretty well though and some seem to have warmed up to me. They might not like me very much, but they know Jack plans on keeping me and nothing they say will not change this. Mr. Gibbs is one of the few on the Pearl who actually likes me and gives me someone to talk to besides Jack. He is loyal to Jack though, being his first mate and all, so he never takes my side when Jack and I fight. Then again I don't expect him to either and don't wish for him to. I know Jack would feel betrayed and I don't want to be the cause of any bad air between them.
Despite all Jack has done to me and how much he always manages to hurt me I can never stay mad at him. No matter how upset I am and how badly I want to argue with him about it he manages to touch me in a loving caress, looking at me with those damn eyes of his and I melt into his embrace. I hate myself the most at those times; I hate myself for my weakness. I so badly want him to truly realize how badly he hurts me, but he always gives me that meaningless "I'm sorry" and as stupid as this makes me I give in once again... silently forgiving him once again, though I am fully aware that he doesn't mean it.
He has no respect for me at all and I am getting sick of it. I am not the whelp he always makes me out to be and it is about damn time that he knows it! In a way I guess I am kind of angry with myself for allowing this to go on as long as it has and for falling as hard as I did for him. In the beginning I tried to believe that one day he would grow to truly love me, but I realize now what a fool I was. He likes having me around and enjoys having me warm his bed at night, but that is as far as his affection goes. There is only one thing Jack Sparrow honestly loves with all his heart and that one thing is not me... never will be me and I am just now figuring this out. The Pearl is his one true love and his heart's desire; he never allows anything else into his heart because there is only enough room for his beloved ship. It is idiotic to be jealous of a ship, but I can't help it. She has the one thing I want and it kills me.
Despite all of this though Jack has gone too far this time and there is just no way I can forgive him... I refuse to forgive him for this. He outright humiliated me once again in front of the crew only this time it was on the deck of the pearl. He is always complaining that I am not the pirate I should be and I have done everything in my power to prove him wrong, but I am beginning to realize that he is right. Today was enough proof of that. Jack and the crew held a ship hostage as we stole what cargo we thought was needed. Or in Jack's case, whatever he wanted from the merchant ship. One of the crewmen from said merchant ship fought back however and almost sliced Jack's throat open. Now I will say that I in no way thought this was acceptable and this man did need to be punished, but Jack should have known better than to command that I kill the terrified man.
I have never killed an innocent man before and I definitely wasn't going to start now. I don't see how he could try to force me to kill him anyway; he knows I don't agree with that. My refusal did not please Jack of course and he had Cotton kill the man instead, while glaring at me the entire time. I realize that my refusal was a little defiant, disrespectful and made him look bad in front of the merchant ships' crew, but he should have known better than to pick me for such a task in the first place. I told him this as well, but he wouldn't listen to me.
Once we were aboard the Pearl again however I realized right away that I was in trouble, Jack wouldn't even look at me. I followed along after him like a lost puppy, but not once did he acknowledge me. This made me feel like shit of course, but I knew better than to talk at that moment. Jack was pissed off and I was in no way obliged to stroke the flame... no it was much better staying in the background and silent as the grave. I would give him time to cool down and then we would have a calm discussion... or so I thought at the time. As soon as we were a safe distance away from the merchant vessel Jack whipped around to face me and I had never felt more trapped by a piercing glare than I did at that moment. I tried to pretend I wasn't in the least bit frightened, but I am sure everyone could see my trembling. I had never seen such a look in Jack's eyes before; I never realized this insane pirate I had come to love could get so angry and look so evil.
At that moment I began to plead with him, telling him I was sorry, but explaining at the same time that I just couldn't kill an innocent man like that. Of course he didn't seem to hear a word I said for he turned his attention to the crew and ordered for Mr. Gibbs to grab a whip. My eyes widened when I heard this of course, Jack couldn't plan on whipping me. He knows how I am, he knows my propriety always wins in the end... it isn't my fault I was raised the way I was.
That was exactly what he was planning however and it is this action that I could never forgive him for. He bared my torso to the whole crew and made them watch as Mr. Gibbs whipped me ten times. He made sure that Gibbs took no pity on me as well and that possibly hurt the most. I didn't have welts on my back by the time Gibbs was finished, no I had open wounds that were bleeding something fierce. Thankfully the doctor aboard the ship fixed me up, but I will never forget the excruciating pain I felt when he put sea water on my open wounds. At that moment I felt like I was dying and I almost passed out from the pain. Jack hadn't stayed to watch my humiliation and pain this time, which is something I was grateful for.
That was hours ago though and now I stand alone, leaning on the rails of the Pearl. We are coming to port in Tortuga and should be on shore anytime now. I am watching the water as we push through it, but yet my mind is far away. I keep thinking about what happened earlier and anger just sizzles inside my chest along with an aching sadness I cannot seem to overcome. I haven't seen Jack since the whipping and I believe it is for the best. At this rate I could care less if I ever see him again in my life. What he did to me is unforgivable; the anguish he has put me through has formed a hatred within me that no one can ease. Not to mention my heart is broken beyond repair.
"There ye be lad, I been lookin' all over fer ya. Hard ta believe ya could be so hard ta find on a ship with only so many places to go." Jack's voice is heard from behind me and I physically cringe at the sound.
"Leave me be Jack, now is really not the time to be speaking to me." I say in a cold tone of voice that I cannot refrain from using.
"Ya still sore 'bout what happened earlier? Will ye gonna have ta move on, I understand how ya could be upset, but ye had ta be punished. I wouldn't let any of the crew get away with it and ye have ta understand that I couldn't let you either."
"That's just it Jack, I'm not just one of your crew!" I finally explode; pent up hurt and anger finally breaking free. "Though you can't seem to show it I am your lover and you don't treat your lover like just another member of your crew. It doesn't work that way!"
"Now Will ye be making it out larger than it truly is. I'm sorry fer havin whipped ya, but I had ta punish ya somehow. Ye made me look a fool in front of that Captain, can't have 'im thinkin Jack Sparrow has no control over me own crew." I open my mouth to argue, but he continues... seemingly knowing what I am going to say. "He don't know ye be my lover so he'd be thinkin' me crew walks all over me. Ye understand I can't have that."
"You should have known better than to ask me to kill him." I point out, not about to let him win. "You know I can't kill an innocent man Jack."
"Damn propriety." He mumbles under his breath and I send a glare his way, challenging him in a way. "Alright Will ye win, I'm sorry."
I gape at him for these words and what little true emotional held within them. Does he honestly think I'm stupid? I silently ask myself as I stare at him in disbelief. He said those words as if out of habit, not actually meaning them. Does he even know what I'm sorry means? I silently ask bitterly to myself.
He lets out a sigh when he sees that his words have not had the desired affect on me and slowly he walks over to me; invading my personal space. "I'm sorry Will; ol' Jack didn't think when he gave that order... I shoulda thought first. I'm sorry fer havin' ya whipped as well, that was wrong... will never happen again." He says with an overly cheerful smile as he pulls me into his arms and then kisses the side of my head. "Can we put this all behind us and have a go in the cabin... still time before supper."
I shrug his arms off of me and take a few steps backward; glaring angrily at him. "Is that all you ever think about? You're not truly sorry, are you Jack?" I accuse him without a second thought, it is about time I start sticking up for myself.
"I told ya I'm sorry Will, what more do ya want? I don't do beggin' so ye'll just have ta settle with me apology." He says in an exasperated voice that just irritates me. "And there be nothin wrong with a little make up sex Will, which be the fun part of arguments."
"Which we have too many of and I'm getting tired of it Jack."
"We just be goin thru a rough spot Will. It'll get better, ye'll see." He says as he pulls me into his arms once again.
I really want to melt into the kiss he engages me in, but I refuse to do so. This whole situation can't be solved by a few meaningless words and distracting kisses. He truly has gone too far this time and he needs to realize this. He can't just keep hurting me like he has been doing and expect to be forgiven each time; it is just not going to happen. So instead of returning the kiss like I usually would I pull away from him and once again remove myself from his embrace. He looks annoyed by this action, but I could really care this. He is going to hear me out this time if it is the last thing I do!
"No Jack this has got to stop. You always say this is the last time, but then you end up hurting me again. I can't take it anymore!"
"This honestly won't happen again Will, this was the last time... ya can believe me. I really am sorry for hurting you Will." He says as he starts placing kisses on my neck, once again trying to distract me.
I practically throw him off of me this time and stand my ground when he turns to me with a glare on his face this time. "Damnit Jack distracting me won't work this time and your meaningless words are just that... meaningless! You weren't sorry all those times before and you definitely aren't sorry now!"
"I've said I'm sorry lad I don't know what else ye want from me. Maybe the reason we keep fighting is because you are always at fault, did ya ever think a that?" He all, but yells at me.
I realize that we have drawn the attention of the crew and we indeed have an audience now, but I can't bring myself to care. "I'm not a pirate Jack, I realize that. Only... only I thought you realized that too." I say softly, near to tears as I say, "And I thought you loved me anyway."
"Now listen here Will..." Jack begins to say, but I don't allow him to finish.
"No Jack I'm done. I'm tired of being treated this way and I'm done with this." I say with finality in my tone.
"And just what might you mean by that?"
"I can't be with you anymore Jack and when we dock in Tortuga I'm not going back with you, I'm going to find my way back to Port Royal... where I belong." I say this as I turn to face the island in which we are about to dock at, shouldn't be much longer.
Jack is silent for a moment, but then he retaliates with a few words I already knew would pass through his lips. "Well fine, leave then if ye want. I don't need you Will Turner." He spits out angrily.
I close my eyes tightly for a moment before turning to face him only to see him walking away from me. "I know this Jack." I say and as expected he stops in his tracks, turning to face me with a confused expression on his features. "I know you don't need me, only I just recently found out that... that I don't need you either."
For a moment a deep pain is shown within Jack's eyes, but then his expression becomes blank and I know that he has blocked me out. I let out a sigh and look away from him, knowing this is truly it. Things were never going to get any better though and I know that it may hurt for a while, but I will eventually move on. He may have hurt me in more ways than imaginable, but I will never forget Jack Sparrow. Somewhere deep within my heart I know I will always love him, but we just aren't meant to be.
I just can't believe what is happening, I should have known it was bound to happen, but I am still caught off guard. It hurt more than anything to hear him say that he didn't need me; I never expected to hear such words come out of his mouth. When I had said that I didn't need him I had been lying, I need him more than I need air. I can't say I blame him for feeling the way he is or for even leaving me; I surely gave him no reason to stay. If anything I just kept pushing him farther and farther away, I am not even sure as to why I did this.
I only wanted to hurt him when I said that all the arguments were his fault, in my heart I know they are my fault. I don't know why I continued to deliberately try to hurt him, he is a good lad and doesn't deserve such treatment. I was the one in the wrong only I couldn't admit it, not to him nor myself.
There is a part of my past that I did not tell Will about and I think this has something to do with why I was so hard on Will, why I hurt him so badly. Will's father and I were real close when he was alive, Bootstrap Bill was everything to me at one point in time. I was deeply in love with Bootstrap only my feelings weren't returned, if anything they were stomped upon by him. He was still a good friend, but he made it very clear that there would never be anything more between us. After that things became awkward between us and he did everything he could to stay clear of any contact with me. That hurt more than anything, but I kept all my anguish inside.
After all the events that transpired I closed myself off to falling for another, my heart had a lock around it that I refused to let anyone have the key to. When I met Will he looked awfully familiar to me and when I found out he was Bootstraps son... well I instantly saw the familiarities. Every time I looked at him I saw his father; it would both depress and anger me. I tried to look past this and see Will for himself, but I just couldn't. I realize that Will is not his father and that he does in fact have some things about him that are different from his father, but he has some similarities as well that I found hard to over look.
Within time, after the events with Barbossa, Will came to me and said that he had feelings for me. To say I was shocked when he told me this would be an understatement. I didn't object to having feelings for him though and right away a relationship formed. Things were great for the first few months, but then things were becoming strained. Little things would set me off and that's where I began hurting him.
I know I went too far when I had him whipped, hell after it was all finished it killed me to realize what I had done. The anguish I put him through was enough to make me sick, how could I do that to him? I knew better than to ask him to kill an innocent man and yet I flew off the handle when he outright refused. Sure it was humiliating for me, but I put myself in that position... I had no right to blame him for it. I couldn't stay and watch as the doctor tended to his wounds, but when I heard his cry of utter pain a tear slid down my cheek. I have never felt more ashamed of myself for what I did to him and I don't expect him to ever forgive me for it, I wouldn't if put in his position.
It didn't bother me all that much in the beginning whenever I hurt him because like I already stated... I never let anyone near my heart. Now as I stare at him as he prepares to leave me I realize that he slipped in somehow. I don't know how I didn't see it happening or when it happened for that matter, but somewhere along the line Will Turner slipped his way into my heart and without my realizing it... I fell in love with him.
I want to say something as we dock in Tortuga, but I can't find any words to express how I am feeling. I simply watch as Will walks into the cabin and comes out moments later with his possessions. He stops in front of me and looks at me hesitantly, as if waiting for something or searching for something to say.
"I uh, I left that sword you like so well on the bed... I thought you might like to have it, maybe one day you'll look at it and remember me." He says with a blush rising in his cheeks and at this point I just want to kiss him senseless, but I fear that might get a negative response. "I wish you all the best, I honestly do. I hope you are happy or will find happiness."
I open my mouth to speak, but once again words fail me. I am feeling rather desperate now, knowing I should say something to prevent him from leaving me behind, but I can't seem to get my mouth to work.
He looks at me for a moment longer before letting out a long sigh. "Goodbye Jack." He practically whispers before turning around and walking away from me.
I swear I can feel my heart break as I watch him leave the Pearl's deck and I don't know what to do, if I should even do anything. I have hurt him so much already and he deserves so much more than me. Maybe letting him go would be the best thing I could do for him. Gibb's keeps telling me to go after him and Anamaria is looking at me in a disappointed fashion, but I remain silent and never take my eyes off of Will. The crew is silent as well and though they never did like Will much I can see that they want me to go after him as well. No one wants our relationship to end like this if at all and are urging me with their eyes to make a move; I can feel their stares upon my back.
They don't realize that I am finally going to do right by Will though and that is by letting him go. He deserves to have a good life and that is something a pirate cannot give to him. It is killing me to watch him leave, but I believe it is the best thing to do. I ruined any chance of ever being with him and that is my fault alone. I will have to live with my mistakes and regrets, but one thing is for sure... I will never forget him.
"I love you Will." I whisper and let it die on the wind as Will's figure disappears from sight.
There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
Might as well kiss it all goodbye
There goes my life...