I possess no ownerships, rights, or properties to Ranma ½, nor to Naruto. All rights, ownerships, or any other legal holdings are all the properties of their respective owners. I have not been paid for this work of fanfiction, nor do I have any intentions of seeking out, accepting, or receiving any form of payment in relation to stated fanfiction.
Genma, as a panda, sat, and sweated.
Soun's gonna kill me.
Soun's gonna kill me.
Soun's gonna kill me.
I swore, I swore, that I would do everything, everything in my power… when we agreed that our kids should marry… that if I should have the son, and his wife the girl…
Soun's gonna kill me.
I swore, that if I was the one who had the son to marry to his daughter, in order to unite the schools, that under no circumstances, even if it took my dying breath… that I would keep my child from being a-
"Hooo, look at all the pretty ladies. Did the Guide say they were called Amazons? They're so nice, so young, so soft…"
The spring Ranma fell into has twisted his mind.
Ranma is a pervert.
Soun's gonna murder me in my sleep.
"We have visitors!"
"Oooo! It must be Ranma!"
"Saotome, my friend, we've been waiting!"
Oh, I hope he's older.
How depressing. Boys!
Nabiki and Soun shot back down the hallway, pursued by a panda carrying a youth with spiky white hair over its shoulder.
"Yo! You're scaring the cute girls spitless!"
"Daddy, this is your friend?"
Soun shook his head rapidly.
"Oh, so this panda just decided to visit! Happens all the time!"
--WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T…--
The panda moved to flip the sign over, not that anyone noticed.
"You… wouldn't be…" Soun started.
--…ASK HIM HIS NAME.--
The white-haired boy immediately broke into a kind of hopping, one-legged dance, arms pointing up, spinning his head around in circles. "I am the man who has no enemies in the North… South… East… West… not even in the heavens! I am the world-class martial artist, white-haired frog tamer! Even a crying baby would stare in awe, the great Ranma-sama! That is me!"
--NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. YOU'VE MADE HIM DO IT AGAIN. I WILL…--flip --…PERSONALLY SLAP THE NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES HIM DO THAT.--
"What the hell-?" Nabiki started, staring at Ranma, who wasn't moving from the pose he had stopped in.
Her one question seemed to adequately sum up the situation for the Tendos quite nicely. Unfortunately, speaking also attracted Ranma's attention to her and her sisters, who favored them with a look that promised that he'd be peeking in the bath later.
Akane began to growl.
Akane stopped growling when the boy seemed to like it.
"At last, you've come!" Soun cried, finally breaking out of his stupor.
"He's cute, in a rugged sort of way," Nabiki declared.
"It makes him look older," Kasumi agreed.
Akane just stared at her sisters. What's coming over them? And someone tell me what's with the panda?
"It's so good of you to come!" Soun continued, pulling Ranma into a hug. "So- ITE!"
He leapt off of Ranma, clutching his arms and chest protectively. It was no wonder, since Ranma's hair seemed to have come to life, and wrapped itself around Ranma in a spiky, hard mass that looked tougher than a bed of nails. Genma sweated. That again?
"Sorry, but I only allow the lovely ladies to embrace me."
Soun boggled as Ranma's hair retreated to its rightful place back up on his head in a pigtail. Nabiki reached over and began to lightly pull and bend it, trying to figure out what exactly had happened.
"An impressive technique," the Tendo patriarch stated, noting he wasn't actually injured, just a little scratched. Akane wondered if he could teach her that move. It would get the Hentai Horde off of her real fast.
--HOT WATER, PLEASE.-- the panda signed. Ranma grinned and began to twist and spin his fingers.
"Suiton: Suiryuudan no Jutsu!"
Nabiki blinked. Did he just say 'Water Element: Water Dragon Blast Technique'?
Then water rocketed from the kettle Kasumi held, which she had been warming for tea, spun into the shape of a dragon, and blasted the panda with the strength of a fire hose.
Kasumi gaped at the now-empty kettle in her hands.
Forget the hair thing, I wanna learn that! Akane's head filled with images of four-inch thick water-dragons springing out of the school's water fountains and knocking Kuno for a loop.
"Boy," the fat man who had taken the place of the panda rasped. "That was boiling water for tea. It needn't be quite that hot."
Soun almost fainted. "G-Genma?"
Ranma rolled his eyes while his old man and his friend wept over the 'horror of Jusenkyo,' only turning his attention away from the three daughters when he realized that their father was asking him something.
"Hmm? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
"I asked if you had likewise picked up a curse from the terrible place."
Genma started panicking. "N-no, of course not! The boy is to good to have-"
"Yeah," Ranma interrupted, fixing Genma with an annoyed look. "But it doesn't seem to have any kind of difference."
NO DIFFERENCE? Genma mentally howled, recalling the Amazon village. HOW CAN YOU SAY THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE? YOU'RE A PERVERT OF THE SAME CALIBER AS THE MASTER!
He didn't say anything out loud, though. Every time Genma had objected to Ranma's 'perversions,' the boy had started spewing fire. It was the only reason Genma was wearing a nice, clean gi. The last five had been incinerated while Genma was still wearing them. He'd been forced to buy new ones.
"Well, not much of one, as far as we can tell. My hair is white, and I have these red markings under my eyes, but nothing beyond that. I also can't change back, but I rather like my hair this way."
"Can't change back? Why not?" Kasumi asked.
Genma and Ranma shared a look.
"We don't know," Genma said, honestly (for a change).
"I was able to change back the first couple of times, but after that…"
"But… Saotome-kun is able…"
Ranma shrugged at Soun. "Don't know why. The last time I was changed into this form, it was by a river. There was a red-headed girl there…"
I notice you're not mentioning the fact that you were all googly-eyed and drooling over her because she was naked, Genma thought to himself.
"… she was crying, so I went to help her. I guess she was having man problems, because when I asked her if she was ok, she splashed me with water from her ladle, slapped me, and ran off. Ever since then, I've been stuck this way (1)." He shrugged. "Maybe it just locks if you're changed too many times too fast."
"I've been avoiding changing back for a while if I'm splashed within half an hour of changing into my true form. I don't want to be stuck as a panda."
"Out of curiosity, what spring was it?"
Ranma turned to Nabiki (eyeing her legs the entire time). "Spring of Drowned Sannin."
"Not sure about the title, but the guy who drowned there could summon weird warrior toads to fight for him."
"Haven't managed to get the big ones yet. I'm working on it. All I've got so far are perfectly normal toads, but it's better than when I started."
AND IT'S MADE YOU INTO A FILTHY, DISTURBING PERVERT! Genma howled internally. But he didn't say it out loud. He didn't know how Ranma could spit fireballs, and wasn't going to press his luck about being turned into roast panda.
"Well, all you got was a little hair color, so your problem isn't so terrible after all!" declared Soun, clapping Ranma on the back (but keeping his hand well away from his hair. He wasn't sure if Ranma was controlling it, or if the hair would take offense and spring an attack on its own). "My daughter Kasumi. Nineteen."
Kasumi smiled gently.
"And Nabiki. Seventeen."
"Nice to meet you."
"And Akane. Sixteen."
"Pick the one you want. She's your fiancée."
Ranma's eyebrows went heavenward in astonishment, before turning his eyes to the Tendo sisters.
Akane did not like the perverted look that the boy directed at Nabiki, who raised an eyebrow in response, and looked back. She really, really didn't look the even more perverted look that crossed his face when he turned and saw Kasumi, who turned away, blushing.
Then, Ranma saw her.
"Not my type," he scoffed, dismissing Akane with a wave.
Soun shrugged. As long as he picked one, the Tendo-Saotome arrangement could work just fine. It didn't have to be Akane, after all.
Nabiki and Kasumi look at each other, then shared a look with Ranma, who looked back (at their faces, and bodies, which didn't go unnoticed by Akane). The two sisters shrugged as well. Best to know something about him before we all start agreeing to be engaged, the middle sister decided.
"Well…" Nabiki started. "Do you have any hobbies? Besides martial arts?"
"Hmm…" Ranma sat cross-legged, holding his chin in his hand, looking sagely. "I help out women in need, if I find one. And then, I do my research for my books."
THAT'S NOT RESEARCH, THAT'S PEEPING! Genma shrieked to himself.
"You write?" Kasumi asked, interested. "Have you had anything published?"
"Just one little manga. I was fortunate to get it picked up by a publisher, but my Icha Icha series is doing well."
Akane frowned in confusion. She'd never heard of it. Kasumi, on the other hand, blushed. She didn't blush, she blushed. It almost seemed that even her hair began turning red. "O-oh, that series? You're… a good artist."
Kasumi thought it was a good series? Akane decided to borrow it later. Why was her sister blushing like that?
Nabiki, on the other hand, vanished.
Ranma's eyes widened. "Shit!" Then he vanished.
"What the-?" Akane stared as Ranma, then Nabiki reappeared, blurring around the edges, on the other side of the room.
When did Nabiki get so fast?
Then the brief speed contest was over as the middle Tendo sister dive-tackled Ranma, staring up at his face in complete adoration. "You're 'Gama-Sennin,' the author of Icha Icha Paradise? I just LOVE your work ♥!"
"Ah, another devoted fan!" Ranma shouted, completely ignoring that fact that he'd started dodging because he'd thought Nabiki was attacking him.
"Kasumi, what kind of series is Icha Icha?"
"Well, Akane, it's a… it's a… a romance."
"It's a story that revolves around a man and his innocent first love!" declared Ranma, not even making an effort to remove Nabiki from his person.
"W-well, that's true, even if it's a little… um, graphic."
"Well, seeing as how Nabiki seems to be… attached… to Ranma, I guess she'll be his fiancée!" Soun decided.
"I love volume fifteen of Paradise♥!"
"I can't believe that pervert!" Akane growled as she stomped towards the furo. "Groping Nabiki like that, flirting with Kasumi! As soon as I figure out that water-dragon thing… and a way to get that fast… and can get around that freaky hair thing… and unglue Nabiki from his arm… then he's dead!"
She slammed open the outer door to the bath, pausing for a moment when the inner door slid open, and Kasumi stepped out with a towel wrapped around her.
"Is that bath too hot, Kasumi-neechan? You look kinda flushed."
Kasumi looked her youngest sister in the eye, and giggled. "I knew he was there the whole time. I think I might be in the next volume. I feel like a model. A naughty model."
Kasumi drifted out, blushing and giggling. "I didn't even know I could bend like that until I tried."
"Everyone in this house is losing their minds but me," Akane decided. Dismissing her increasingly weird sister, Akane stepped into the bathroom, hung up her towel, and began scrubbing off.
No, I said scrubbing off.
Akane's eyes bulged. Where the hell had that come from? A ceiling tile promptly moved, answering her unspoken question. Ranma slid out of the hole, with a camera in one hand, a notebook sticking out of his pocket, and a depressed look in his face. Akane froze in shock.
Ranma shoved open the inner door, turning to look at Akane's still, naked body one last time. His expression grew even more forlorn. "Chest too small, hips too wide. Underdeveloped."
Nabiki was at school early. Why? Was it to set up her minion bookies for the days bets? To milk money out of Kuno? To tell the Hentai Horde which entrance Akane was going to use? To ask her teacher questions about her homework?
"Listen up, you chicks! Open up your beady little eyes and take a good look! Behold, the divine martial artist Ranma's… 'Far East of Eden's' wild dance©!"
"HANDS OFF! HE'S MINE!"
…to keep the man-starved girls of Furinkan away from her fiancée, perhaps?
"IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT HIM WRONG, YOUR PURSES ARE MINE, BITCHES!"
"Nabiki-neechan, you're scaring me."
"I'll kill you today, Ranma."
"Who the hell are you again?"
"DAMMIT, IT'S ME! IT'S RYOGA HIBIKI! WHY DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?"
"I remember Ryoga… he wasn't quite so thin… or pale… or that tall…"
"THE SPRING MADE ME LIKE THIS! THE SPRING!"
"… didn't have a fifty foot tongue, that's for sure…"
"THE SPRING, STUPID! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"
"… definitely had two functioning arms, that I know…"
Yup. You got it. Spring of Drowned Orochimaru-with-his-arms-sealed.
Ryoga's luck just sucks.
… I'm not sure I want to be there when the skin falls off and he discovers that the body underneath is a girl.
Ha bloody ha.
"'Biki…" croaked Ranma from the floor. "There some reason your sister just kicked me in the head?"
"YOU'RE SICK! YOUR BOOKS ARE SICK! PERVERT!"
"I think she got a hold of Icha Icha Paradise. Probably tried to read the first volume."
"THAT THING WITH THE BANANA IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL, YOU FREAK!"
"Volume fifteen, then. My favorite."
"TOAD HERMIT SHOULDN'T EVEN BE YOUR NAME! IT SHOULD BE PERVERTED HERMIT!"
"Don't call me that, you little brat! It's Toad Hermit!"
"ERO-SENNIN, ERO-SENNIN, ERO-SENNIN!"
Nabiki gently applied disinfectant to Akane's hand. "That was not a brilliant idea, Akane."
"I'm trying to save her from that freak's perversions!"
"I don't think Kasumi sees it that way." And as long as she remembers who that real fiancée is, we don't have a problem.
"She takes five baths a day! For half an hour! Each!"
"It takes time for Ranma to give his sketches justice."
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! THIS KIND OF THING SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING IN THE BATH!"
"I'll tell them to do her modeling in Kasumi's room or the dojo then."
Akane sputtered. That wasn't what she meant either, dammit!
"Doton: Yomi no Shoutaku no jutsu!"
"AHHH! I'M SINKING! WHERE DID THIS SWAMP COME FROM?"
Nabiki peeked out her window. "I see Ranma's practicing with his father again."
"Doton: Ganshou Kanketsusen no jutsu!"
"AHHH! MINI VOLCANO!""
"Suiton: Hyouryuken no jutsu!"
"AHHH! ICE DRAGON ICE DRAGON GONNA EAT MEEEEEEEE!"
"My hand hurts," Akane complained, tuning out the rather one-sided 'fight.'
"You shouldn't have tried to take away Kasumi's latest Icha Icha. That's her on the cover, you know."
"I still can't believe she bit me."
"Shampoo? Is that you? You look different! You're blonde!"
"Shampoo get knocked into Spring of Drowned Strong Healer With Very Large Chest. Shampoo go blonde, see no difference in breast size. But much stronger."
"Crush walnuts with thighs. Two at one time! Want see?"
Ranma pulled out a notebook and wrote a few lines, a perverted expression crossing his face (it lingered for a while. It was getting used to being there), before he finished writing and put the notebook away. "Ah, but what are you doing here?"
"Airen no happy see Shampoo? Bring other wives with!"
Twenty cries of 'Airen' filled the air.
"You have inspiration write more manga now, yes? Shampoo have subscription!"
Ranma giggled and blushed in perversity.
…but pulled out the notebook back out anyway.
"Hey Pops, Mr. Tendo. I've got a new drinking buddy! Meet my new editor!"
Soun pulled his face from his now ever-present sake cup to gaze drunkenly at…
"Genma! You have exceeded my wildest expectations with your son! I name him my chosen heir in all things!"
The fat panda could only watch in horror as the two self-proclaimed 'super perverts' joined forces in an unholy union that could only bring about an end to civilized life, his sanity, and his retirement as he knew it.
"Just remember, old man. The two eldest Tendo daughters are off limits, and in return… FREE ICHA ICHA FOR LIFE!"
Soun abandoned the cup. The bottle was so much faster.
"Hold, foul varlet! Today your black magicks will avail you not, for the Blue Thunder will free the beauteous Akane Tendo, her two sisters (though I care not for the mercenary Nabiki), the twenty-one Amazons, and the not-quite-feminine-but-still-rather-cute okonomiyaki chef from your wicked grasp so that they may be free to date me!" A pause. "I may as well free my twisted sister from your clutches, I suppose. But for sure, I will claim the fierce tigress Akane, the demure Kasumi, the voluptuous Shampoo, her twenty Amazon sisters, and the shapely-even-in-men's-clothing Ukyo for myself. I suppose that the wicked Nabiki and my twisted sister are… optional."
The Hentai Horde and the assembled students turn to see Ranma's reply. Nabiki was busy calculating Kuno's new, and indecent, interest rates
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
Ah, Kuno thought to himself. The fiery Akane, the near-perfect Kasumi, the vibrant Shampoo, the delectable Amazon twenty, the energetic Ukyo… I must have them! Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all!
"RIBBIT." Kuno was far too lost in his own little world to notice the fifty-foot frog appear practically next to him.
He did, however, notice when it swallowed him whole.
"Not sure that was supposed to happen," Ranma muttered to himself. "Ah, well, no skin off my back!"
"WHOA, WHOA, WAIT! Putting aside your claims of being part dragon, you're really a man… cursed to turn into a girl?"
"Er…" Herb paused at the expectant stares of the assembled crew. Twenty-one Amazons, two Tendos, a cackling gymnast, an okonomiyaki cook, and a withered ghoul he recognized as Cologne the Elder stared back. Having just been returned to his original form via the Unlocking Kettle, Herb wondered if his true body would be enough to blast his way clear. Recalling the ease with which the white-haired youth in front of him had decimated his retainers Lime and Mint with a kind of spinning ball of warped chi/ki technique called 'Rasengan' to reclaim his women, Herb decided that perhaps honesty was the best policy here.
"Yes. It is my Jusenkyo curse."
Ranma's eyes bulged. "I… I am… I am so…"
Repulsed? Herb thought to himself, fully aware that was how he himself felt about it. Disgusted? Ashamed? Disturbed? Join the club.
"… what?" It wasn't exactly the response Herb had expected.
"My God man, do you realize what you've done? From straight to yuri and back without ever leaving the bedroom or changing partners! A man who can sleep with lesbians! It's brilliant! Models, I need models! A whole new season of my series shall be born of this!"
"A whole…" Kasumi started.
"…new season…" continued Kodachi.
"…of the series?" finished Ukyo.
"Shampoo want be model," the bubbly Amazon murmured, a sentiment that was quickly shared by her fellow Amazons.
"For a continuation? I WILL ALLOW IT!" screamed Cologne.
Herb blinked when the assembled twenty-five young women attempted to dog-pile each for the apparent honor of being chosen as a 'model.'
Whatever that was.
Ranma desperately started tearing through his pack. "A NOTEBOOK! I NEED A NOTEBOOK, A SKETCHPAD, AND AN INK BRUSH!"
Twenty-five sets of the items in question were produced from nowhere by the group of girls and shoved at Ranma. Mousse threw himself over the lot and stuffed a professional quality artist set from his robes into Ranma's waiting hands.
"It shall be called… Icha Icha Tactics!"
Cheers filled the mountainside.
Someone tapped Ranma on the shoulder. He turned to find Herb holding an orange-covered book in one hand.
"Um… Can I have an autograph?"
"You can't be my mother, you're far too cute and young to even look at my father once, let alone twice."
"Uh, boy, we really, really need to leave-"
"Katon: Gokakyu no jutsu." FWOOSH!
"Ranma should rename 'Roast Panda Technique' instead of Grand Fireball, as much as he use it on father."
Ranma grinned at his… hmm… the grouping really should have a collective name. "Maybe you're right, Shampoo, First and Only Blonde among my Harem!"
The collective fount of teenage girls giggled at him.
Nodoka gleefully turned the seppuku contract into confetti. If this didn't fulfill the terms, then she was the Queen of all England!
"My son is so manly! And he writes my favorite series!"
Ice, wind, swampland, giant toads, fireballs the size of boulders.
The battle between Saffron and Ranma devastated more landscaping than anything the Amazons had recorded.
"Just give up, insolent mortal."
"Never," Ranma snarled. "Not until my girls get their water. Then, you and me are gonna settle this."
A barrage of sharpened weapons followed Ranma's words, pursued by a wall of water the size of a small house.
Saffron emerged, gasping for breath. That mortal was insane! Even he had been caught in the water!
Something wet and heavy slapped him in the face. A quick examination revealed it to be a partially completed copy of something called Icha Icha Violence. Saffron stared, flying up out of the advancing martial artists charge.
"I believe we may be able to come to an arrangement regarding your… girls, after all."
Ranma blinked. "Time's wasting. What do ya want?"
"One, I want to know how you are standing on the surface of the water without wings. Two…"
Saffron held out an orange book, blushing.
(1) This is, of course, the monkey that Herb changed into a woman using the spring of drowned girl, who was wielding the Locking Ladle that she also managed to splash Herb with.