The Fellowship of the Ring in 60 lines!
Setting: Bilbo's house in the Shire….
Gandalf: "Give me that ring!"
Bilbo (protectively): "No! It makes me feel powerful and invisible and young and alive…."
Gandalf: "Give me it!"
Bilbo: "Ok then."
Gandalf (shouting out of the window): "Is anyone free right now?"
Frodo isn't particularly doing anything, so he steps up.
Gandalf: "Ah, Frodo. Take this to the Temple of Doom and destroy it. There's a good boy."
Frodo (excitedly): "Is that where Indiana Jones lives?"
Gandalf: "I said Mount Doom."
Frodo: "No you didn't - "
Gandalf: "Yes I did!"
Frodo: "You said - "
Producer: "Come on guys, we haven't got time for this. Keep it moving…."
Gandalf (clearing his throat): "Take any friends you like on your journey, Frodo. Preferably people with great skill, bravery, strength, or at the very least some common sense."
Frodo: "Can I take Sam and that other guy?"
Pippin (insulted): "My name's Pippin."
Gandalf: "Suits me. Well, see you around!"
Gandalf (over his shoulder): "Oh, just remember, don't put the ring on."
Frodo puts the ring on.
Gandalf: "Oh for God's sake."
Frodo: "Arrgh!" He takes the ring off. "Oh, that's better!" (He makes a mental note not to do that again. He promptly forgets this mental note).
The three hobbits set off on their perilous journey. They start by locking the door to the house.
Sam and Pippin: "Mr Frodo, Mr. Frodo! Are you alright?"
Frodo: "Err…. Yes I'm fine."
They walk two steps.
Sam and Pippin: "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo! Are you alright?"
Frodo: "Err yes."
They walk three more steps.
Sam and Pippin: "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo!"
Frodo: "Are you going to do this the whole way there?"
Sam and Pippin: "Mr Frodo, Mr. Frodo!"
Frodo: "I'll take that as a yes."
They carry on walking. Ten minutes later they've covered 520,000 miles so they stop at a pub to rest their tired feet and drink GIANT mugs of beer.
Pippin: "Oooh there's a very sinister-looking man sitting in the corner. I don't like the look of him. Let's ask him to join us on our journey."
Frodo: "Oooh good idea."
They make friends with the sinister man. He's called Stridor.
The four of them: "Let's all have some grub!"
The barman sets down the cutlery.
Sam: "Aaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhh! Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo! Forks! AAARRRGGGHHHH!"
Frodo (rolling his eyes): "I think it's Orcs that we're afraid of, Sam. Not forks."
Stridor (quietly to Frodo): "Why do your friends address you as Mister?"
Frodo: "I have no clue whatsoever."
They all decide to set off walking again. (Actually Frodo decides, and everyone just follows him).
Sam: "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo! How much walking is there going to be?"
Stridor: "Tonnes, I'm afraid."
Frodo (confused): "How do you know? You've only just met us and you haven't even asked us where we're going and - "
Everyone: "AAAARRRGGGHHHHH! ORCS!"
Fifty million orcs approach and encircle the party of seven. (Party of seven because a blond-haired dude and another guy somehow joined the group at some point along the way. No one is quite sure when or why).
Stridor turns to grasp his sword. A split second later, when he turns back, every single orc is lying dead on the ground, either bound in ropes or frightened to death by the relatively harmless-looking hobbits.
Stridor (looking at the hobbits): "Well shiver me timbers! How did you do that?"
No one has any idea.
(Producer glances incredulously at the scriptwriter and mouths 'Shiver me timbers? This isn't Pirates of the Bleeding Caribbean').
Luckily, the fifty thousand orcs haven't so much as scratched any of them; the hobbits and Stridor are completely unhurt. (Sam, however, has a nasty bruise at the very tip of his index finger. Blasted Orcs.)
A little later, Frodo gets stabbed, but he happens to be wearing the impenetrable vest that he very fortunately puts on every morning when he is expecting a lazy day in the Shire. Everyone is very relieved.
Frodo puts the ring on again. "Aaaaargh!" He takes it off again. "Ah, that's better."
Stridor: "For God's sake, Frodo. Will you stop doing that?"
Frodo does it again.
Everyone rolls their eyes.
Frodo: "Lets walk to Mordor."
They walk to Mordor.
Sam suddenly becomes extremely angry/ upset/ excited/ suicidal for no apparent reason.
Frodo tells him to stop trying to steal his limelight.
Sam shuts up.
Then, completely out of the blue –
Hobbits (collectively): "OH NO! There are black-robed things on horses following us!"
Sam (to himself): "Wouldn't it be convenient if someone came and got rid of the black-robed things?"
Frodo (who can conveniently read Sam's thoughts): "But how would we be able to tell the difference between the black-robed things and our rescuer?"
Sam (after thinking for a while): "Well - if it was a woman, and if she were riding a white horse it would be pretty easy to distinguish between them."
Frodo: "Hmmm. I do believe you have a point. But don't be so ridiculous - it's never going to happen - "
Out of nowhere, a woman on a white horse comes and conjures a wave to get rid of the black-robed things.
Frodo: "Well I never."
Heheheeheeeeee loveable Frodo and his lovable friends made it through to fight another day! Thank goodness for the lady on the white horse. She appeared just at the right time. Phew.
Ok, I lied, it isn't strictly 60 lines, more like 60 parts, but I hope you enjoyed it!