Category: Harry Potter
Warnings: Slash Sirius/Remus Voldemort/Remus and Peter/Remus one sided, torture, dark themes, swearing, and rape.
Summary: "I'm tired of forgiving you Sirius," Remus said calmly, his eyes dark. "And when I'm through with you, you'll wish for every ounce of happiness to come back to you, that I promise."
Disclaimer: Remus isn't the main character, nor is he gay. So, in all honesty, my happy little fingers have not gotten to Harry Potter. Sadly, the honor is not mine. Come back here if you want to see this again.
Notes: I have read my fair share of the Remus-goes-evil fics but I have decided to do my own. Though, instead of him realizing he was wrong and all that jazz, he is going to go the opposite way, hints at the summary. So anyway, without wasting anymore time, I present the first chapter of my new story to you all. By the way, after I post the chapter to 'I am you and you are me', the epilogue to HnE-SnE-SnE shall be posted after that. So anyway, off we go then right?
Notes2: I have completely checked over this chapter and have added a new part to the first chapter. A very imporatant thing that I should have included earlier. Enjoy the revised version!
Gaspeth! On with the story!
"Forgive and forget can only bring people so far."
Remus sat in front of the fire, his amber eyes drinking in the flames like water. Funny, wouldn't that be a contradiction of terms? Shaking his head he let his head rest lightly on his arm, waiting for his roommate and boyfriend to enter through the door. It sucked royally that Sirius was able to work and he wasn't, but James had promised the werewolf he was working on it.
Somehow, Remus couldn't seem to trust that.
The door opened and the topic of his thoughts walked in. Well, more like dragged his limp body in, seeing as Sirius was too exhausted to even stand up properly. When his stormy eyes settled on Remus' form, he immediately grinned, all of his fatigue forgotten.
"Hey Rem, how have you been?" He asked, hanging up his leather jacket on the coat hanger. Remus snapped into attention, amber eyes brightening at the sight of him.
"Good, actually, waiting for you to get home," Remus said, standing up and embracing his boyfriend lovingly. Breathing in Sirius' smell, his smile deepened, a warm feeling nuzzling into his chest. Sirius chuckled lightly, hugging Remus back with even more vigor. Honestly, having Remus wait up for him was a really good feeling.
"Rem, are you hungry at all?" Sirius asked, letting Remus go and walking into the kitchen. "I figured I could make us something, seeing as you can't cook if your life depended on it."
Remus stuck out his bottom lip, pouting. He could cook, just, not things people liked to eat. Unless people liked to eat mashed macaroni and cheese, over cooked pasta, or burned soup. Honestly, everything he tried to cook turned out to be disaster. Resigning to his fate, he plopped down at the kitchen table, marveling at how perfect Sirius was. Sighing in contentment, he nodded to Sirius' question.
The older man grinned in reply, going to the cupboard and looking through it. "Pasta sound good Remmie?" He asked, fingering a box in thought.
"Sounds perfect, but can you put shrimp in it too?" Remus replied, twirling his thumbs at the innocent request. Sirius frowned.
"I think we're out actually," he sighed. Remus shook his head.
"While you were at work I took the liberty to go shopping for food," the werewolf stated proudly, feeling good that he could do something while his boyfriend worked. In all truth, it was getting a little depressing.
"Really? Thanks Rem! You are honestly the best boyfriend," Sirius chirped excitedly, opening the fridge and taking out the container of shrimp.
"Well, if going to the store makes you this happy I wonder what a few other things might do," Remus said mischievously, his eyes flashing in barely veiled playfulness. Sirius turned to him, an eyebrow raised.
"Just don't clean, remember last time?" He reprimanded softly, bustling around the kitchen.
Remus sat in thought, remembering painfully when he tried to clean the house, but only ended up tripping over the broom while sweeping and knocking a whole bunch of cleaning chemicals together, mixing them. He had woken with no memory of who he was or where he was, until Madam Pomfrey easily fixed it with a potion. Sirius was shaking his head the whole time, muttering something like klutz.
He had learned one thing. Mixing the chemicals had caused it to create a deadly gas, and apparently he had hit his head when he passed out. Also, if cleaning chemicals are mixed it causes your innards to burn and/or cause the whole place to explode. So, as a sort of precaution, Sirius had taken away all cleaning supplies from Remus, only giving him a broom, mop, and some water.
Well, the mop incident was a whole other story.
Remus shuddered at the memories, going back to watching Sirius make dinner. He felt really bad; not only was Sirius exhausted from a days work, but he was forced to cook dinner too. Now he felt like a useless piece of shit, in all honesty.
"Are you sure you don't want me to help?" He tried again. It made him feel a little better at offering. Sirius flashed him a smile, shaking his head.
"I don't want you burning the water again you goof," he laughed lightly. "Still don't know how you managed that one."
"I-I, well, I sort of forgot about the fact that I was indeed cooking something," Remus murmured meekly, covering his face to hide the blush that was spreading. Sirius sat down next to him, wrapping him in a comforting hug.
"No need to feel bad Remus, people make that mistake a lot," Sirius commented. Remus brightened up immediately, his eyes meeting Sirius' before they kissed deeply, that same warm feeling coming over both of them.
"Siri, I thought you were tired today," Remus whined as the older of the two began nibbling his neck.
"I'm really happy though," Sirius replied. Remus pushed Sirius away at arms length, staring at him.
"Why?" He asked suspiciously. Running through his mind were happy thoughts of Sirius doing him on the kitchen table, and in the living room, and in the hall, and-ARG! He was getting horny.
"Because," Sirius replied, sticking out his tongue and letting go of his little wolf, going back to check on the water.
"But Siri!" Remus whined, flopping down on the table top, suddenly very put out at the fact that Sirius was indeed, denying him having hot sex that night. Damn Sirius' job as an Auror! Always exhausting his little puppy!
"Stop whining Remus, I'm sure my surprise will be just as good as sex," Sirius replied. He continued to stir the pasta before popping the shrimp into the microwave. He still didn't know why Remus insisted living like muggles. Honestly, it was so old fashioned. Remus pouted.
"Fine, but what about Moon? Where is that cat?" Remus asked, his attention suddenly drawn to their little kitten, their black kitty that couldn't stop running into walls even if he wanted too. Sirius shrugged in reply.
"Probably humping a wall or something," he replied in a bored voice. Remus scowled.
"He does not have sex with the walls Siri! He…walks into them," Remus finished lamely. They have picked the only stupid one out of the bunch.
Speak of the devil. Sirius turned to the new arrival, a bright smile coming to his face. "Hey there's the idiot! How is my little retard?" He cooed, swooping down to pick up his favorite kitty.
"Sirius, Moon is not retarded, he just can't see well," Remus said, petting Moon's soft fur as the kit purred at the attention.
"Speaking of, Moon has another bump on his head," Sirius said, rubbing a spot on top of the furry little head. Remus groaned.
"The vet said his vision is perfect, why does he keep running into walls?" He asked Sirius, who grinned impishly.
"I'm telling you, this little sex driven kitty is humping the walls," he replied, giving Moon another scratch before setting him down on the ground, watching the black ball of fur chow down on his food. Both men grinned as Moon stretched in a lazy fashion, hopping up onto the kitchen table, and lying down in the fruit bowl.
"Now I know why I keep finding black hairs on my apples," Remus said softly, eyes brightening as Sirius laid down a plate of food in front in front of him.
"Never mind that, just finish up so I can tell you something," Sirius replied. Remus cocked his head to the side, noticing how the other man kept fidgeting in his chair, and a dopey grin would occasionally cross his face. Remus ate quickly, feeling a bit of excitement as Sirius put both of the dishes away.
"C'mon Sirius, tell me what you know, tell me, tell me, tell me," he bounced impatiently in his chair, occasionally bumping the table, where Moon would glare at him briefly before settling back into a comfortable position.
Sirius sat down next to him, a little stiff. Remus blinked.
"Remus, I'm not very good at this kind of stuff, so I just want to come out and say it," Sirius said.
Before he could stop himself Remus blurted out his response. "You had sex with James and then your boss at work!"
Sirius brow furrowed. "Okay, Remus seriously, what? I mean, no! I mean, uh, I would really like it if you…well, you know…"
"Do it with you on the kitchen table? But Moon is there," Remus spoke again, mentally hitting himself for interrupting Sirius once more. In fact, the man in front of him began to get a little aggravated.
"No! What I mean is…er, well, I love you a lot so…will you marry me?" He asked meekly, holding out a little golden ring.
Whatever Remus had been expecting to hear it wasn't that. Blinking, he looked at Sirius as if needing to be sure everything was still real.
"Seriously? You want to marry me?" Remus asked, making sure Sirius was not planning on patting his back and saying something like 'nah! Got you good though!' but the look on his face and the short, nervous nod he gave squashed every little bit of doubt Remus had been thinking up. Smiling he took the ring, placing it on his finger. Sirius was blinking at him, not sure if he should take that as a yes.
"As long as I'm not the house wife," Remus said jokingly, feeling happy as the tension between them was immediately snipped away.
"You wouldn't be good at it any way," Sirius grinned, leaning down placing a gentle kiss on Remus' lips.
"You are so mean," Remus replied. "Though I guess your right."
"You goof, let's go have sex now," he laughed, smiling at the excited nod Remus gave.
"Sure," Remus chirped, feeling very happy that night. Moon meowed softly as they left, rolling his little yellow kitty eyes before going back to sleep in the fruit bowl. Honestly, humans were so weird with their noises and emotions. Though, the little black ball squeaked when loud moans erupted from the hallway. So they never did make it, Moon thought dryly, burrowing his head in order to block the sounds out.
How rude! The little kitty practically hissed.
Remus sighed softly, rolling over onto his side where he met with another body. Ah, he loved waking up before Sirius; he loved watching the older of the two breath in and out in a graceful manner. Although, it was strange, he almost felt like a commoner being next to some one like Sirius Black, though, I guess it would be Lupin-Black. Giggling like a high school girl he rolled out of bed, the two of them coming to agreement that because Remus always woke up first, he should get the outside. Stretching, he grinned at the 'pop' his back gave, before slipping on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, ready to get himself some coffee.
Remus shivered in delight at the thought of coffee, mans most beloved discovery. Smiling at Moon, who ran into another wall, he walked into the kitchen, waving his wand at the coffee pot, watching as all the ingredients piled themselves inside and began to make. Walking over to the cupboard, he pulled out the cat food, putting the wet in one side of Moon's dish and dry on the other side. Yawning, he refilled the water once more before opening the fridge, looking inside for something to munch on.
"Moon, where is the prophet, it should be here by now," he whined at the little kitty, who was currently stuffing his face with the contents within his bowl. Smiling at the owl that just arrived, he paid it quickly and opened the paper up, frowning when a letter fell out. Funny, that isn't normal.
Looking at it, he shook his head, sticking a finger inside and tearing it open, folding open the letter.
Sirius Black, Senior Auror-
Meeting scheduled for Monday at 10:30am
Remus looked at the clock, nearly choking on air as the clock read ten sixteen. Throwing the letter down he ran to their shared bedroom, slamming the door open with enough force to wake Sirius up.
"What? What's goin on? Attack?" Sirius said hurriedly, wand pointed at Remus and ready to fire a spell at any given moment. Remus stood in the doorway, briefly smiling at Sirius' naked form, but cleared his throat.
"You have a newly scheduled meeting in about ten minutes," Remus spoke, making sure to have his voice calm. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, smiling at his fiancé and getting dressed in his best robes.
"Probably something about Voldemort, you know, I had to go out there yesterday because another family was attacked," Sirius sighed. "Both parents were killed, and two of the children are as of now missing, the third is also dead."
Remus frowned, feeling considerably saddened. However when Sirius drew him into a hug, patting his back comfortingly, he smiled again, feeling safe.
Nothing could ruin this relationship. He was mostly positive.
Remus sighed, looking at the newly falling snow. Sometimes it made him really sad, considering Lily and him were sometimes stuck together as James and Sirius went off to their respective jobs. But, ever since Lily and James had been put into hiding, things were rather dull. All he had for company was Moon, and the usually disgruntled kitty was not much to look forward too. At times, he imagined himself in a different place, with people who were always around him and never had to leave to their jobs. Remus made a strained sound in his throat, but forced the icky feeling down again.
Smiling to himself, he forced himself into a compromising position on the couch, flicking open a book for his reading pleasure.
"You have no idea how frustrating this is," Lily grumbled, her usual happy appearance appearing to be less than normal. Remus pursed his lips, nodding to her statement. "Harry will be born in a few days time, and Voldemort is more than persistent to have our heads."
"This certainly isn't good," Remus agreed, feeling immense pity. "Definitely not the setting for you when having a child." She smiled at him then, her demeanor relaxing.
"I need to talk to you about this thing Remus," she said. Her gaze looked guilty.
"Oh? What is it Lily?" He asked, hugging his legs to his chest in a seemingly childish manner. Lily bit her lip, looking a little lost and uncertain.
"Dumbledore said that Voldemort is hunting werewolves right now, he's recruiting more and more by the day," she said in whisper, almost like she thought their conversation was being watched by someone.
"Yeah I know, Sirius has been really wary about that," Remus responded, a smile on his face at the thought of Sirius protecting him.
"Remus…I…nobody really trusts you right now," she admitted, lowering her head. "I was told not to say anything to you, but a spy has been discovered to be lurking around, feeding information to Voldemort."
Remus cradled his head. "They think it's me," he said.
"I'm so sorry Remus, we're frightened," she said hurriedly. "Remember that break down you had after Sirius…did his prank? We couldn't calm you down, it scared James and me."
Remus sighed. "That was only one time," he said, gaze uncertain. She sat at the edge of her seat, looking ready to tell more.
"Being a werewolf, each one is said to have different defective qualities, right?" She prodded.
"Remus I know this isn't your fault," she said. "But Dumbledore said that your defect is that your emotions tend to get pushed passed the limit if hurt badly enough, or angered, or feel any other prominent emotion." Remus nodded, feeling guilty.
"Then is this why they suspect me?" He asked. He felt like he wanted to cry at how bad this hurt. Lily wrapped him into a tight hug, rubbing his back.
"I thought you had a right to know Remus," she whispered soothingly.
"Even if I do tend to go too far, I promise I would never do anything to hurt you," he said softly, returning her embrace. "Not you Lily, never you. You're like a sister to me, not to mention on of my best friends." She smiled.
"Thank you, and I'll pull you back, I'll try at least," she said excitedly, pulling away to look at him. "We'll all try to."
Remus smiled. "That's all I ask."
Yawning, Remus fell backwards onto the couch, staring up at the white ceiling with disinterest. He didn't know how long he had been lying there, but a tap on the window alerted him back to reality. Remus slowly turned, craning his neck to peer out the window, his amber eyes settling on James' owl. He was briefly surprised, considering Lily had her own owl, insisting that whenever she would send it a letter, it was always with her cute one.
Remus sat up, opening the window before shutting it again. Taking the letter off of Red's (Remus still had no idea why James would name his owl that) leg, he quickly unfolded it.
I'm not supposed to be writing, considering this could be intercepted, but I needed to talk to you. You know how Dumbledore has been going on with the Order's meetings? He was suspecting all of the information is being passed through a spy. Well, I hate to say this, but he said it was someone really close to us. I took up your suggestion about Remus, and he really seems to be the only one available.
Weren't you going to marry him as a precaution?
Remus stared at the letter, his fingers going numb. Shaking his head, he continued to read.
I told Green not to send any of her letters, in case she gave something away. In fact, I'm probably giving off more than I should with this letter, but I had to tell you. I wish I was an Auror so I could tell you right in person, but, I can't, so this will have to do.
I love Remus with all my heart (not in a gay way of course), but I can't trust anyone right now. We are interrogating Peter right now, but he's cracking like an egg under our pressure, so I'm sure he's not the spy.
Sorry to bring this up, but Dumbledore doesn't trust Remus or anyone right now.
This war is really tough, huh.
Lots of love in a non-gay way,
PS Don't tell Remus about the letter.
Remus felt everything in his body go cold. Sure, he had been expecting him to be suspected when he was first informed James and Lily was going into hiding. Sure he knew that it would be just his luck that there would be a spy too. Sighing forcefully, he pushed each and every feeling swirling in his body down.
Remus turned around, eyes locked onto where Moon was watching him, a cat like frown on his features. Ah, trust Moon to know something was bothering him. Walking forward he reached out, his hand gently caressing the little kitty's face. Moon meowed lightly, bucking his head into the gracious hand that petted him. Remus almost felt like laughing at how calm he was being.
Picking Moon up, the cat burrowing into his arms, lying down lazily. Remus was staring strait ahead, his thoughts circling around him like a hurricane. Growling low in his throat, Remus squeezed down on the one thing in his arms; Moon. A whine and strangled snort from the ball of fur sounded out, but Remus didn't stop. The black kitten whined pathetically, trying to twist and turn out of grip on his throat, his claws digging into Remus' hands.
Remus' grip increased at the struggle and Moon began to panic, spinning and biting and kicking, if only to get out of the hold. The small kit threw himself around, trying desperately to escape the hold.
Alone, that's what I'll be in the end. Everyone should suffer with me.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. He blames me.
The only reason he wants to marry me is to keep me from betraying his friends.
"Remus, your killing Moon!"
Snapping out of his thoughts, Remus' grip let go of the unconscious cat, blinking at what he was doing. Gasping he sat up, thankful that Sirius was now cradling the small bundle in his arms. The older man looked up, stormy grey meeting clouded amber. They both stared at each other for a moment later before the amber closed.
"How was the meeting?" Remus asked the only thing that would come out. He was shaking, Remus noted distantly. He told himself that he would not feel any emotion, and he won't. Funny, how feeling nothing felt so good to him.
Sirius nodded, going into the kitchen after setting Moon down on the table, wrapping the little kitty in a clean dish towel, holding him close. Remus leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed.
"Do you remember our seventh year Sirius? You know, where you told Severus how to get into the Whomping Willow," Remus said softly. Sirius' posture stiffened, but again, he only nodded.
"Why do you ask Remus?" Sirius stated, swallowing hard.
"What were you feeling when you got punished afterwards?" Remus asked calmly, a hint of deep anger and betrayal in his gaze.
"Sorrow, self anger," Sirius replied. "Hurt."
"Now why would you feel hurt Sirius?" Remus asked.
"Because I hated those months where you would push me away, for something that I was indescribably sorry for," he replied again.
"Why did you ask me to marry you?"
Sirius had the answer on his tongue; because he loved him, because he wanted Remus with him forever, because he wanted Remus to know that he was his…because he didn't want Remus to be the spy. Somehow, he got a feeling Remus found out that he had been suspecting his boyfriend. Really, he shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. James was his friend.
However, only the last reason came out, and he felt something inside of Remus break into tiny pieces. Too many to even begin to put back together. Looking into amber eyes, he was slightly frightened to see nothing there at all. But he could feel everything shattering, though it unnerved Sirius that Remus was revealing an empty gaze.
"A letter came for you, from James," Remus said, walking back into the living room and grabbing the letter, stalking back over to where Sirius stood, putting it into his arms. The other man read the letter through quickly, and a clenching in his gut was putting an extra weight on him. Setting Moon down gently on the table, he followed Remus to the living room.
"Remus, I'm sorry," he said softly, feeling tears burn his eyes. He had no idea how to fix this.
"Forgive and forget…were you hoping it would this time?" Remus responded smoothly. "That's how you've always gotten off the hook with me Sirius, so are you expecting it this time?"
"I….I mean…not…I," Sirius stammered.
Remus couldn't even begin to stop the laugh that erupted in his throat. It sounded so wrong in his ears, but he could only imagine what Sirius was thinking. Finishing up with a sigh, he grinned.
"I'm tired of forgiving you Sirius," Remus said calmly, his eyes dark. "And when I'm through with you, you'll wish for every ounce of happiness to come back to you, which I promise."
And he was gone.
Sirius let the tears fall, crumbling down to his knees where he began to sob.
Okay, Voldemort will be making his appearance soon, and you can be certain that he will be feeding Remus all the evil crap. So, review!