Disclaimer: I do not own Yami No Matsuei. No matter how much I wish I did.
I already posted this story but, the last line wasn't suppose to be there, sorry bout that so I'm reposting it.
How did things end up like this
Hisoka's point of view
How did things end up like this. This is not the way I expected my life, afterlife, to be. Things have changed, and I suppose I have too. I mean, I never would have let myself fall asleep in anyone's arms before, but that just proves how far I have come. Granted, I'm no where near Tsuzuki's level of expression, but I'm slowly changing. These walls that I had built are coming down piece by piece no matter how hard I try to resist. But, why should I resist this change. I'm afraid that's why. Afraid of being hurt again as I have been so many times in my life. I would never admit that out loud of course, but as I lay here in Tsuzuki's arms, I feel as if I can admit it, at least to myself.
I snuggle closer, relishing the warmth that encompasses me as I do. Wow, I never thought I would use the word snuggle to describe something that I would do, but I suppose I just proved myself wrong. I don't mind in reality. Being this close to Tsuzuki, it feels……safe. To have his emotions seeping into me, without feeling pain is a new experience to me. Compassion, protectiveness, affection, concern, understanding, those are the feelings that radiate off of him.
Although, even now, as I lay in his bed, resting my head on his chest, I can feel his walls. Tsuzuki's life wasn't much better than mine. He was rejected by those around him, hated, and alone, after his sister died. He still feels that pain, but it is in combination with the guilt that he constantly feels. I have more than once called him a baka for always taking things so personally, feeling that each person's death was his fault. How can I help him, when I can't even understand how he feels so much. It's a wonder to me that he made it this long for me to show up.
I lift my head to gaze at his slumbering face. He looks so peaceful like this, and I can sense that he is truly content right now. As if to agree, he tightens his hold on me and nuzzles my head affectionately. It's moments like this that I truly miss experiencing in my life. Not that I'm complaining now. I can only contentedly sigh as he drifts back into a deep slumber. I lift my hand up to brush back a lock of hair that is carelessly draped across his forehead. As I brush it back, his head turns, as if seeking my touch. I chance a smile at his sleeping form and slowly incline my head and give a soft kiss to his temple. As I pull back, I reflect on how our relationship came to this.
At first I thought Tsuzuki was a idiot slacker, with a major sweet-tooth, which did prove to be correct in some ways, but then again that wasn't the real Tsuzuki. The real Tsuzuki was the one sitting in the flames of Touda, wanting to die. Feeling so much pain and guilt, it was overwhelming. But, it was at that moment that I realized something. I cared about Tsuzuki, maybe in a way that I didn't understand at the time, but I reacted on that need. The need to be with Tsuzuki, near him, to feel his presence. My life sucked and I never thought that anyone could ever care about me, but Tsuzuki did. He showed me love. Yes, that is what he showed me, what it means to be loved. And I suppose I did love him then but it took me about a year more to understand that feeling. Even now, a year after Kyoto, I still feel the pain inside him. The guilt for existing. A burden so large it pushed him to the brink of insanity, until I called him back. I begged, pleaded for him not to leave me, and he stayed. He didn't abandon me like every other person who has been important to be, he stayed.
Since then things have changed between us. For the first few weeks after the fire Tsuzuki was a wreck. Often waking up from nightmares, even after he was discharged from the infirmary. I stayed with him during that time, afraid that he may try to kill himself again, but I also stayed to help him. To be there for him, when he woke up from those nightmares. To hold him as he cried and to comfort him. I didn't want to be apart from him, and after a while I ended up living at his house. There wasn't any point in me having my own place when I spent most of my time at Tsuzuki's, but even then we were just friends.
Our relationship remained that way up until a few months ago, when we were in Nagasaki eating dinner.
It seemed normal enough. Drug to a restaurant, sit, eat, leave. At least, that's all it was suppose to be. About half way through the meal I noticed that Tsuzuki was shielding more than usual. I wanted to ask him what was wrong but couldn't bring myself to do it. Even after all this time, I'm still not sure how to comfort someone, even though Tsuzuki says that I'm pretty good at it.
We go for a walk through the park. Tsuzuki's idea of course. He spots an ice-cream stand and runs over to it. I can only sigh and wait for him to return, which he does with a huge ice cream cone. We continue our walk and I can't stand it any more, I have to know what's wrong.
"Yes, what is it Hisoka?"
"Nothing, Nothing is wrong." As he puts on one of those fake smiles.
"No, Something is wrong, I there is, I'm an empath remember. Please tell me, I want to be able to help."
"Hisoka, It's nothing for you to worry about. I don't want to burden you with my problems you have your own things to deal with and I don't want you to add mine to that."
"Idiot." He winces at that. I can't look at his face as I say this so I stare at my shoes. Who knew they were so fascinating, my shoes that is.
"Idiot. You help me with my problems, so why won't you let me help you with yours. We're partners that's what we do, we help one another."
"That's it! It's just………I can't say………."
"Tsuzuki, please tell me. I won't turn away from you. You know you can tell me anything right……Or is it that you don't trust me….."
"Hisoka, no. It's not that at all. I trust you. Really do. It's just complicated that's all…."
"If you trust me then you would tell me." I start to walk away. I'm upset but I don't want to admit it. A lone tear rolls down my cheek against my will. I bring my hand up to wipe it away, when it is grabbed by a larger hand. I raise my eyes and realize that I am staring directly into Tsuzuki's eyes. It's so painful to think that he doesn't trust me enough to think that he won't tell me what's bothering him.
I look back down. I refuse to look at him now. No, Does he realize how much he is hurting me. I feel his hand on my cheek, wiping away the trail the tear left behind. Slowly his hand moves to under my chin and raises my face so that I can see his. I'm shocked. The pained look on his face is only amplified by my empathy. I don't know what to say.
"Hisoka. Please, listen to me. I do trust you, more than anyone else, but you shouldn't have to deal with me or my problems. I don't want you to worry about me."
"How can I not." I reply. "Your…..important… to me."
He stops at this. Maybe I said something wrong. Then he smiles, a real smile.
"Well, your important to me as well 'Soka'. But you shouldn't be burdened by my feelings."
"You idiot. I'm an empath people's emotions bother me no matter what."
He turns away. I suppose I hurt him with what I said.
"Sorry." He says. "I never wanted ,my emotions to burden you."
"Tsuzuki. I said people's emotions burden me, not yours."
He looks back at me when I say that. A look of surprise and something else.. hope…
"what do you mean Hisoka?"
I'm caught. What am I suppose to say. What do I want to say.
"Is there something you want to tell me 'Soka' "
No, of course there isn't but maybe….
"Is there something you want to tell me Tsuzuki?"
He hesitates then says. "Yes, there is something I want to tell you but I'm not sure how you will react."
"You won't know until you say it." For some reason my heart is pounding in anticipation. I wonder why.
"Hisoka, I…..I. Love You…." He trails off.
To say I'm in shock would be an understatement, a huge understatement. How? When? Why?
"Why….?" The question slips out.
"Why?" He repeats. "Why not? Does it disgust you that I feel this way, if it does then I would understand if you want a different partner…"
"NO!" I interrupt. "No, I don't want another partner and I'm not disgusted, it's just….."
"What, What is it Hisoka"
"I don't understand how someone could love me. My parents didn't even love me. I'm a demon with this cursed empathy. No one has ever loved me. I'm tainted by Muraki, his doll. I'm someone's possession , no one could even love me…."
"Hisoka" Suddenly I'm embraced. Tsuzuki's arms surround me. I refuse t cry I won't cry. But once again my body betrays me and a few tears escape. I can't stand it. I clench my fists in his shirt and cry. I cry in a way that I haven't since I was a young child. He holds me and mummers soothing words into my ear. I've never felt this way. Tsuzuki's emotions are not of disgust or anger about what I said, only the usual compassion and understanding, but now I can feel it. The love there under the surface.
I look up at him and he smiles at me and kisses my forehead gently. I've never felt this way before. Is this what it's like to be loved.
"Hisoka…I love you. Your parents make me sick. How could they not have loved you, you didn't deserve that Hisoka, You deserve so much more. And you're not a demon, a demon wouldn't run into flames to bring me back. And your not tainted." He pauses at that. "You are no one's possession, and you are NOT HIS DOLL." The anger behind those words is a little over whelming. "He does not own you and he did not taint you."
I try to protest. "But Tsuzuki he did, he took my, my…" I can't finish.
"That doesn't mean anything Hisoka. To me you are still innocent. You are you. Until you willingly give that away, you are innocent. You are nothing like Muraki, so don't even think that." For a moment I though that he was the empath. How did he know. He smiles down and brushes away my tears.
"I will Never hurt you Hisoka, and I will never abandon you. But I need to know how you feel about me. Will you tell me, Please." He tightens his hold on me.
I look down at my feet, there's no way I can say those three words back. It's not because I don't feel that way, It's because I don't know how that feels. I look back up at him and say "I don't know how I feel Tsuzuki."
He looks at me curiously, his eyes searching my face. All of a sudden he smiles and leans in close. I can feel his breath on my ear.
"Well, I know a way to tell how you feel." He says in a low voice directly into my ear.
"What….?" I manage to get out, blushing profusely.
He moves his face so that it is directly in front of mine, mere inches separate us.
"Would you rather kiss me on the cheek or on the lips?" He asks.
I'm stunned. I did not expect him to say something like that, but I start to think about it. 'Which one would I rather do. I have no idea, but he is waiting for an answer, so I better do something. Okay, now what. I don't know. Okay I have a plan. I'll close my eyes and let fate decide where I kiss. Good plan right? Right. Okay here I go.' I close my eyes and incline my face forward and I make contact with something, soft. I'm truly afraid to open my eyes but I have to know. So slowly, very slowly, I open my eyes and realize that I kissed him on the lips. 'Dear God I didn't expect that'.
I pull away, a little embarrassed. Tsuzuki is smiling, I don't think I have ever felt such happiness coming off of him. But then again I never though I would be this happy either. As I look at him I realize that I do feel that way about it, but he better not expect me to turn all sappy, that's not gonna happen.
Thankfully Tsuzuki changes the subject and starts to complain about how his ice-cream melted and that he has to get another one, but not before putting his arm around my shoulder. I lean into the casual embrace and let him lead me.
I look up at him again and wonder if he remembers that night as clearly as I do. 'Probably, it's not like him to forget something like that.' I sigh again. I've been doing that a lot lately. After that night not much changed. We do the same things we use to- dinner, walks, movies, but it's different because we know the other one cares. So no matter how many times I call him an idiot, he knows that I don't mean it. As for affection, believe it or not but I am actually affectionate, who knew? Cuddling. Yes, I can honestly say I like cuddling. Hugs are good too. As far as kissing, on occasion we do, but I prefer to cuddle actually, not that I mind the kissing. It does make me a little nervous at times, this relationship. Bad memories don't instantly fade, but it's getting better. My nightmares aren't as bad and neither are his, especially when we are lying like this.
Another sigh. I've been up half the night thinking and I have to work in the morning. Why do I do this to myself. Tsuzuki moans, I suppose he's waking up.
" 'Soka' What are you doing up?" he asks tiredly looking down at me cuddled up against his chest.
"Nothing much, just thinking."
"About what?" Suddenly interested.
"Come on tell me. It was me wasn't it."
'Like I'd tell him he's right' "No I was just thinking about how long it's going to take for you to pay back both me and Tatsumi." I reply.
" 'Soka' You're so mean…" He says in his whining voice.
"Go back to sleep Tsuzuki"
"Okay, but you need to go to sleep to."
"Fine." I say trying to sound reluctant. I place my head on his chest again and listen to his heart beat. Surprisingly, I suddenly feel very tired. Then I here a soft voice very close to my ear.
"I love you." He says quietly as I slowly drift of to sleep.
"I love you too." I whisper as I fall asleep. The last thing I remember is feeling Tsuzuki kiss my forehead before I fall fast sleep.
This was my first story so I hope it turned out alright. Please review. I want to know if I should keep writing. Thanx.