A Blue Earring
It all started with an earring. You could say it sparked off a sequence of events that ultimately led to my defeat in a strange land. It brought me to realize my foolish pride and folly and the depths of my petty competition. It was then I realized the root of all this. I was jealous of her. Even though we were best friends, I was jealous of her, deep inside. It was this repressed emotion that led me to foster such competitiveness, which in turn, led to such hate.
That fateful blue earring. The symbol of the greatest mistakes I had ever made. Given to me by my guardian. Both the guardian of my affiliation to the Dragon, and the guardian of my person, my emotions. Yes, I had harbored a shy liking, even a spark of love toward him, but it was all washed away in the rush of his coldness, his unrelenting drive.
I treasured the earring; I still do now, for it belonged to my one guiding light in that crazy world, when I thought everything was falling apart, my one lifeline to the one person who seemed to understand, to care. N. he was the one constant in that uncertain, ever changing time.
Though gradually, deep down, I was beginning to have my doubts. The way he always had to be in control, the way he always seemed to wear his armor. Was it also an emotional thing? But at that time, I shrugged it off, thought it was just a sense of over-suspicion. But as I look back was that armor not only to guard his body, but his heart and soul as well?
It was my feelings for him, and the knowledge that if I did not, who else was there to trust in that world? Looking back now, it was his entire plan for me, and his plan to take over two worlds.
And then, seemingly out of the blue, just when I thought I was finishing my tasks, and I could finally go home, all hell broke loose. The barrier within the worlds began to crumble. The guardians of my assumed former friend began to infiltrate my world. I was livid. I had to stop them. Looking back that was the worst thing I could have done.
I was determined to return and send her guardians back to where they came. Before I left, he gave me a blue earring, the same one I now wear. It was a means of communication between us alone. As a way of always being there for me I thought. How foolish I was back then. I realized too late that he meant to take over this world as well.
But the day was inevitably saved by Miaka's heroic guardians. Even now I still wonder, if our positions had been reversed….. but no. what is done cannot be changed. We are who we were, and always will be. That much at least, is irreplaceably set in stone.
It may seem strange, why after so long, after the battle was fought, the guardians who fell long buried and mourned for, the barrier long closed, I still wear that earring. And why I hold on to a past that is seemingly long dead. The answer is simple. I still remember Nakago.
In all honesty, I should hate him, for all that he did, and all that he tried to do. But I can't. I just can't find it in my heart to hate him; even after all he tried to do to me. Why? For one moment, just once, during my stay with him, with the Seriyuu, it was just once, a fleeting moment, that was when I saw it; when the barriers around his heart, normally so strong, come down. Even if it was unintentional, it stopped me from hating him now, and caused me to look deeper into him and to ask why, not only to him, but to all people whom society has shunned.
In that moment, I saw, I saw the true essence of this enigmatic man. He was a good person, loyal and true. It confirmed what I had known since the very beginning, deep in my heart. The knowledge that he was not an evil monster.
He was a man, with a deep wound that had never really healed. It was a series of events or an event, long ago, lost and forgotten by all except him, that had injured him; hurt him so deeply, that it changed him forever. It caused him to retreat so completely into himself and had become this way. And what he became was an empty shell, a parody of a man, devoid of any emotion, ruled only by ration.
That, and a deep sense of burning ambition. It was, in a way, the desire to be, in an obscure way, above the on who hurt him so. To be greater and in his own way, defeat the one who had hurt him so long ago and had stolen away his innocence, causing him to forever look at the world with those so-jaded cynical blue eyes.
That feeling of drive, of ambition, and combined with his conscious lack of emotions, was what made him so dangerous, and what everyone mistook as evil. But I see him now as a lost soul and my heart beaks for him. Even now, I long to show him it is all right, that not everything in this world was negative, and to be kept at a distance. But I did not see it soon enough. That, no matter what others may say, was my greatest mistake, and the one I will forever regret. I could have saved him, saved his soul, but I did not see it.
But for all that had happened, he is to me real, and very much a part of my experiences in that strange new land, and even more a part of who I became after. I keep that blue earring, to remand me of him; of Nakago. it also reminds me of his mistakes, and to keep me from repeating them. It reminds me every day of his grudge, and how he held and nurtured it until it consumed him dictating every thing about him. It reminds me of his errors in judgment, and mine as well.
But most of all, it reminds me of the dangers of over-ambition, to the point that all fails. It shows me restraint, even in the face of such deep anger, and not to reach for what you cannot hope to get and not to overextend to the point that all fails.
But, most importantly of all, it reminds me, prevents me from judging people too hastily, like everyone, including me, judged him. It allows me to see the larger picture, and to see past the various stigmas that we so easily place on people withought seeing who they really are. To see beyond convention and misconceptions that so blind peoples sight. It must be a curse, to see the world in just black and white, withought the myriad shades of grey that exist all around us. Not being able to see the true nature of a person.
There is a mosaic of emotions that surround this earring, this seemingly innocuous earring. But it is a constant reminder, day by day, of the most eye-opening time in my life, the time in which I truly experienced life itself, both the ggod and the bad. With all its ups and downs, laughter, tears and tragedies and revelations, it changed me forever though in a good or bad way I am not sure yet. I can only pray it was in a good way; so the sacrifices of my brave guardians will not be wasted.
The earring, it is , most of all a reminder of that time co constantly remind myself to learn to see the true complexities of the people around me and to open my eyes to all the shades of grey that surround us in life.
My brave Seriyuu Seishi, and especially to Nakago, I am so sorry, and may you all find peace. Somewhere, somehow.