Chapter Fourteen: Entries 582-630

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-two—

ya, i noe so i told jenna i told her dat hes mai man & not hers bt she gt al BF on me & was lyke o no u dint! & sos i tell her o ya i did! bt den nikki came out al lyke—

"Kaiba, it's your turn."

Oh. Yeah.

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-three—

Give me a moment as I tune out of my highly developed sixth sense (AKA, megasuperultreasensitivehearing), will you?

"Ishizu's the only one with a sixth sense."


And she can definitely work it, too.

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-four—

"…I'm not going to ask."

Good, because I really wish you wouldn't.

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-five—

Alright. Time to summon Obelisk…

…or as the bizarre subtitles like to call it, "Giant of the Square-Tip Tower!"

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-six—

I'm guessing no one got that?

You all SUCK.

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-seven—

Watch me as I extend my hand in a pompous gesture of widely established but rarely followed authority!

And I'll throw in a smirk, too. Those always express MEGA PWNZ0RZ 4 U.

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-eight—

Umbra, you're going down first because I don't like midgets.

Entry Five Hundred Eighty-nine—

Yes, Muto, that was meant to be offensive.

"Then let's magically pretend I took it offensively."

Entry Five Hundred Ninety—

I challenge you to a stare-down of epic proportions!

"We've got better things to do than engage in such immature tactics."

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-one—

Oh THAT'S it!

Now I know what's wrong with you!

You're PMSing, aren't you? You should've told me! I would've gotten you some Midol.


Entry Five Hundred Ninety-two—

Back to reality (that was not an Eminem reference).


There goes Umbra!

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-three—

"Kaiba, Umbra is the tall one. Lumis is the shorter one."


I attacked the wrong idiot!

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-four—

Why didn't you tell me I attacked the wrong guy?

"How could I? You were too busy challenging me to an absurd stare-down, not to mention assuming I had mood swings and menstrual cramps."


You could have interrupted me.

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-five—

"Yes, I could have."

F you, man.

F you HARD.

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-six—

I hope the Dark Magician gets his scepter stuck in your—

Stop arguing and get back to the duel.

Just who the hell ARE you, anyway?

Like we said before: we're not inclined to tell.

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-seven—



Entry Five Hundred Ninety-eight—


That is some major glass shatter-age.

Entry Five Hundred Ninety-nine—

I wonder if Umbra is still down there?—or if all the glass cut him up into a bajillion pieces.

Time for you to join him, Lumis.

Any last words? No? Good.

Entry Six Hundred—

"Surrender, Lumis!"

Like HELL he's surrendering!

Time for some major ass kick—

Entry Six Hundred One—

"Hello, Pharaoh. Kaiba. My Rare Hunters have done their job!"

Louise just went off the deep end!

Everyone RUN!

"No, Kaiba. Loui—Lumis is under the control of Marik!"

Oh. Is that all?

Entry Six Hundred Two—

"You don't care, do you?"

I'm going to pretend that I care. Is that sufficient?

Entry Six Hundred Three—

"Just because you've won the duel doesn't mean you're going to get your friends and family back anytime soon…"

Gee, like that's a surprise. All cliché villains do that.


Entry Six Hundred Four—

"…I've been carefully examining your decks. Obelisk pales in comparison to my God Card, Ra. I'll win it from you soon enough, Kaiba, along with Slifer and Yugi's Millenium Puzzle."

Might I make a suggestion? Team up with Jack Sparrow.

That way you can pillage and actually have a chance at succeeding.

Entry Six Hundred Five—

"I have the perfect plan to bring about your downfall, Little Yugi. I'm going to use your friends against you."

"Leave my friends alone, Marik!"

As if saying that in an enraged fury is going to actually make him leave them alone. Why do protagonists always insist on telling their antagonists to leave their loved ones alone when they know full well that it isn't going to work? The naiveté never fails to baffle and amuse me.

"They're safe and sound, but they're not on your side anymore."

Entry Six Hundred Six—

"You're a coward, Marik! Why don't you just come out and face me?"

"But controlling is so much more fun."

Heh. This guy's style isn't half bad—

"Kaiba, don't think I've forgotten about you. I have your little brother also."

Entry Six Hundred Seven—

I'd like to retract my prior statement.

Entry Six Hundred Eight—

(insert badass Lumis grabbing and throttling, along with fierce threatening minus any swear words because this is censored…and demanding the release of Mokuba dramatically)

Entry Six Hundred Nine—

"Kaiba, stop! This is a waste of energy! Marik obviously has no intention of keeping his promise!"

I don't give a rat's ass if your friends are screwed, but when you mess with the Kaibas, you're asking for some seriously deep shit.

Entry Six Hundred Ten—

Damn it.

Now the mind control crap disappeared. Time to drop Lumis like a brick.

Entry Six Hundred Eleven—

Take that, you ineffectual piece of trash!

Entry Six Hundred Twelve—

Now time to go kick some major arse and rescue my brother!

Entry Six Hundred Thirteen—


Here, Muto. One for me and one for you.

This makes us both eligible for the Battle City Tournament. How great is that?



"How can you even think about the tournament at a time like this? We have to find my friends and your brother!"

Entry Six Hundred Fourteen—

I'm an asshole, remember? I can legitimately get away with these things and have fangirls at the end of the day. My incredible hawtness makes my self-righteous attitude seem like a minor character flaw. That's why so many people find me irresistibly attractive.


Don't say anything. You'll just ruin the moment.

Entry Six Hundred Fifteen—


Why is there suddenly so much wind? Stupid unpredictable weather! You're going to mess up my bangs!


Entry Six Hundred Sixteen—

"Big brother, I hate to break it to you, but they're always kinda dented."



Entry Six Hundred Seventeen—

"What's up, big brother?"

How the hell did you get here? I thought you were brainwashed!

"Téa helped me escape so I could come and get you guys!"

Entry Six Hundred Eighteen—

Entry Six Hundred Nineteen—


Entry Six Hundred Twenty—

More importantly:


This is one plot twist even I didn't count on.

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-one—

Okay, Muto, much as I hate to help you, I hate being indebted to people more.


Let's go save the mutt and your bitch.

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-two—

"I would appreciate it if you called them by their names instead of those vulgar nicknames."


Yugi, let us go and valiantly rescue your companions Mister Joseph Wheeler and Miss Téa Gardner swiftly and carefully! It is of the utmost importance!

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-three—

Was that better?

"I suppose. It was rather scary though."

You're one to talk, Mister I-Inhabit-The-Body-Of-A-Teenager-And-Still-Like-To-Ascertain-That-I-Am-Not-Engaging-In-Promiscuous-Sexual-Relations-With-Said-Teenager.


Entry Six Hundred Twenty-four—

Consider that payback for being such a bitch before.

No one outdoes Seto Kaiba.

What about Ishizu?

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-five—


Entry Six Hundred Twenty-six—

And plus she's so hot that I wholly and completely forgive her.

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-seven —

"Big brother, I located Joey's duel disk signal!"

Glad to know that my 1337 h4x0rz skillz rubbed off on you.

Entry Six Hundred Twenty-eight—

"Kaiba, you are such a…"

Don't say it.


Entry Six Hundred Twenty-nine—


How does mummy-boy here know what a n00b is?

Next you'll be telling me that he knows the meaning of metrosexual.

Entry Six Hundred Thirty—

"A straight man that is very concerned about his appearance, isn't that right?"

"Kaiba, would that perhaps mean that you are a metrosexual?"


(insert face-fault here)

And to answer the question prevented by the very lovely reviewer who asked how Kaiba could possibly keep track of all this: Maybe he just makes mental notes to himself? XD I don't think there's any other way to explain it. He can't be writing and dueling. (Or can he?) It's a rather dull excuse, so I'm open for suggestions.

(And before someone asks, yes, he's going to be totally OOC whether you like it or not. XD; It's easier to make fun of him that way.)

Reviews would be FTW, kthxbai.