MTV Cribs: Mercer Style.
A/N: Okay, this is supposed to be a comedy. It's my first try at it, so yeah. SarcasticRockinLC gave me the wonderful idea to write this. She's rad like that.
"Hey MTV Cribs! I'm Jack Mercer from No Mercy. Welcome to my crib." He said as he welcomed the crew into his house. Jack walks into the living room, a big room with a red couch and a big screen Tv.
"This Tv was replaced three or four times, my friend Crash she crashed into it a few times when she decided to do gymnastics in the living room."
"Now this is the kitchen." He said entering into the big kitchen.
He walked over to the refrigerator.
"Now everyone on Cribs, show's you guys what kind of food you have. Well ours is kind of empty because we're always eating out. So the only thing we have in here is (opens fridge door) SoBE, which my girlfriend is overly obsessed with." Camera looks up and down in the fridge whish is filled with SoBE all over.
"But then, we have to limit her drinks, on this and mountain dew." Camera turns to face Jack again.
"Don't be hating on my SoBe, you deuce!" Jack laughed and walked towards the auburn haired girl that the camera was focused on now.
"This is my girlfriend, Tessa, a model. But we call her Mouth because, cause she cuss's so much she'll make a sailor blush."
"Then there is milk and ketchup too, Crash loves them. She'll eat ketchup on anything." Mouth stated with a laugh. Jack wrapped his arm around her waist and the two walked upstairs.
"Now, this is the guest bedroom." Jack said opening the door. The camera scanned the room; the room was a mess the mattress was off the bed and lying on the floor. "Somebody got some." Mouth stated trying her hardest not to laugh.
Soon one head popped out and Jack's eyes widened.
"CRASH! CRIBS IS HERE!" Crash just looked at the camera and waved. "Hey."
Mouth bursted out and said. "Some one isn't modest."
"Crash what the fuck are you-" A voice said as another head popped out under the mattress, the camera turned to the new face. Joel Madden.
"Oh shit, sorry. Wow, this is awkward." Joel stated seeing the camera. Mouth just stood there seeing Joel her eyes widened.
"Wow. Joel." Jack turned to his girlfriend who was leaning against the doorframe. Jack then covered her eyes.
"Sorry man." Joel stated.
"Dude! 13 year olds could be watching this!" Jack exclaimed still covering Mouth's eyes.
"Crash, you lucky bastard! You got Joel first." Mouth stated trying not to laugh. Jack glared at Crash and Joel.
"Jack! I'm not 13 years old! I know what the fuck they are doing!"
"Are you sure?" Jack asked his girlfriend when she moved his hand.
"You want to sleep on the couch again tonight." Jack looks at the camera and says. "My girlfriend rules the bedroom." The camera then looks back at Joel and Crash.
"All you girl fans of GC, I am sorry to tell you that I am taken By Crash." (Crash looks at the camera)
"If any of you have any ideas of us breaking up. I'll break your neck like a glow stick." Jack shook his head and laughed with Mouth as they closed the door to show Cribs the rest of the house.
"Now kids, for future reference you may want to ask an adult if you can watch this." Jack said to the camera referring to Joel and Crash.
Jack was walking towards a different room but Mouth stopped. "Babe what are you doing?" Jack asked looking at Mouth who was standing next to the door.
"You forgot this room." She stated. Jack sighed and shook his head. "Why would people care to see that?" Mouth shook her head.
"Duh, cause it's where people take a crap!" Jack turns and stares blankly at the camera. He turns back to Mouth and asks.
"And?" Mouth nods her head and smiles as she says. "We have an ASS washer!" Jack laughs and shakes his head and says. "Yes, we do have an Ass washer." He opens the door to show the blue bathroom and the camera gets a shot of the sink.
"OH MY! FUCK A DUCK! BOBBY!" Mouth exclaimed seeing Bobby Mercer, the legendary hockey player. The camera shifted its view in that direction, Bobby Mercer was sitting on the toilet taking a crap.
"WHAT THE FUCK? Ever HEARD OF FUCKING KNOCKING? ARE YOU FILMING THIS FAIRY! I"M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS GET THE FUCK UP OUT OF HERE!" Bobby exclaimed. Jack bit his lip and led the crew out of the bathroom with Mouth behind him.
As they were starting to walk down the hallway Mouth called back to Bobby.
"Bobby! You better spray some fucking damn febreeze when you're done!" Mouth looks at the camera and says.
"Sorry, you didn't get to see the wonderful ass washer, thing. It's pretty rad."
Jack shakes his head. "We went to France and she saw one, she just had to get it."
"Speaking of France, did you know the toilets go the opposite way." Mouth stated.
Jack laughed and wrapped his arm around Mouth again.
"Where to now babe?" Jack asked.
"Hm, well…considering the fact that I was never allowed in bobby's room, how about his, since he is unfortunately taking a crap at this moment."
Jack laughed and opened the door.
"Damn…the boy needs a maid." Jack stated opening his older brother's room. The camera looked around and saw clothes scattered and hockey sticks leaning against the wall.
"Look, Bobby likes Bob the builder." Mouth stated seeing the pillowcase on Bobby's bed. Jack laughed and looked at the camera and said.
"You have just found out Bobby Mercer's weakness. (Grabs the pillowcase and puts it right in front of the camera) Bob the builder."
"BOB THE BUILDER! CAN WE FIX IT? BOB THE BUILDER! YES WE CAN!" Mouth sang bobbing her head up and down.
"JACK! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY ROOM NOW FAIRY!" Bobby exclaimed.
"THAT'S NOT MINE! I STOLE IT FROM MOUTH!" Bobby called. Jack looked at Mouth who yelled back.
"FUCK THAT! I'M A NINJA TURTLE FAN! YOU DEUCE!" Jack bursted out laughing.
Jack grabbed Mouth and lifted her up and walked out of Bobby's room.
They turned to the left. The Camera crew just shook their heads and kept on filming.
"This is Angel's room." Jack said turning the knob. The cameramen scanned around the bright blue room with clouds painted on the walls. They then turned the cameras upward to show Angels on the ceiling.
"It reminds me of a church." Mouth stated. Her and Jack then walked over to one of the walls to show millions of girls asses.
"This part is scary." Jack tilted his head to look at the pictures.
"Actually.." Mouth turns to him and glared (smacks him in the back of the head).
"Tess! Babe, You know I was talking about your ass right."
"Nice try." She stated shaking her head. She walked past a table and saw a card lying there.
"Oh, look here. Angel is a member at the playboy mansion!" Jack stole the card and slipped it in his pocket.
'He won't be needing this since he's married." Mouth stood really close to him and said in a sexy tone.
"You better not have it, if you want to have kids someday." Jack turned to the camera and raised his eyebrows up and down with a smirk. He then set the card back down on the table. Mouth then walked over to the CD rack. Jack followed her and grabbed a CD.
"Britney Spears." Jack said laughing. Mouth smirked and sang, "Hit me baby one more time!"
"Why would he have a Britney Spears Cd?" Mouth asked with a confused face. Jack shrugged his shoulders and set it back down and answered.
"Maybe that's how he gets his kicks." Mouth shuddered at the thought and shook her head and said.
"Ew, nasty picture. Must get it out of my head!" Mouth exclaimed holding her head.
Jack looked around the room and asked. "You really think Angel is angelic?" Mouth shook her head and laughed.
"Hell, no the boy is an ex-hustla." Jack laughed and looked to the camera and said. "That was Angel and Sofi's room, his wife." Jack closed the door as him and Mouth walked out. The cameramen were still following them. As the walked down the hallway Jack stopped and showed them some pictures.
"This picture is of Axl Rose playing at a concert, that I went too." Jack looks at the camera and back up at the picture. "If you are a true fan of rock music, you have to know who Axl Rose is, I don't care who you are, he's a rock legend!"
"Damn straight!" Mouth exclaimed.
"Now down to our room." Jack stated with a smile. Mouth laughed. "This is where most people say this is where the magic happens, but this is where we have rough nights." Mouth shook her head and laughed as Jack opened the door to reveal a big bed that was the color of a dark purple. The walls were a navy blue.
"This is my favorite place in the house." Jack said jumping on the bed. Mouth laughed and said. "Only when it's night, and I'm here." Jack smirked and said. "That and when Bay Watch re-runs are on."
Mouth just glared at him. Jack laughed and said. "I'm joking Babe!" and jumped off the bed and walked into a walk in closet.
"This is our closet." He said. Mouth sat on the counter.
"This is my side, and this is her side. Her side is mostly covered up with hooides and shoes."
"Hey, I love shoes and hooides!" she stated. Jack laughed and the two walked into their bathroom.
"I wanted a huge bath." Jack said to the camera. "That way, when Mouth here is really tired and had a bad day, well we can both soak in the tub." Mouth scoffed.
"Only if he's been a good boy." Jack looked towards the camera and rose his eyebrows up and down.
"Which is never." Mouth walked over to the cabinet above the sink.
"This is my cabinet, yeah tons of feminine stuff but the one thing I'm missing is the one thing he stole from me." She closed her cabinet and turned to the camera.
"That's only because you think I'm dead sexy with it." Jack stated with a smirk to Mouth. She looked at him and laughed while saying. "Yes, I admit. I fall head over heels for any man I see wearing my eyeliner!" Jack shook his head and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"One thing I hate about her going shopping for bathroom stuff is the toilet paper." Jack stated. Mouth rolled her eyes.
"It's Charmin!" She complained.
"Yeah, but it's not soft enough for my tushie!" Jack complained. "It's the big rolls!" She stated getting annoyed as they walked out of the room and down the hallway.
"Plus those bears sing way off key, they don't even have good enough background music how can you buy that!" Jack said shaking his head. Mouth got out of his grip and grabbed his hand and was walking along next to him and asked.
"Sorry, but I never paid any attention to the commercials so I didn't know that, Maybe if I did I would buy a different kind." Jack let go of her hand and turned around to face her.
"Well, now you'll get to see. So next time you won't buy that stupid kind!" Mouth stood there confused and then Jack broke out into some weird kind of dance and waved his hands around and sang in a catchy tone.
"Cha, cha, cha..Charmin!" He then stopped and starred at her. "Baby, if you really love me. Never do that again. Ok pumpkin?" Jack laughed and grabbed her hand.
"Don't buy Charmin again and you'll never see that again. Mmkay pumpin?" Mouth laughed and the two walked down the steps and into the basement.
Jack smiled and walked towards a door.
"This is the next favorite part of my house other then the bedroom." He said to the camera as he opened the door. Music came blaring out of the room just as he opened the door, "Predictable." Was playing Joel was singing, Crash was playing an electric Gibson guitar.
"CRASH! NOT MY BABY!" Jack yelled as Crash was playing his guitar. Crash gave him a look like she couldn't hear him.
"Jack, calm down." Mouth stated grabbing his arm. Jack turned to his girlfriend and said.
"Calm down! She's Crash! She may fucking break it!" He turned back around and glared at Crash. He then pulled the speaker plug.
"Use your own guitar, Crash." Joel stated he just wanted to practice.
"Fine." Crash said in a grouchy tone. Jack smiled and plugged the cord back in and closed the door.
"That's where we practice." He stated. Mouth rolled her eyes. "Mr. Grouchy pants." She stated. Jack looked at her and said. "Ha, ha very funny."
Jack smiled and dragged Mouth down the to the next room which was on the right.
"This is the game room." He stated. "I love this room!" he laughed and walked over to the wall.
"This is the winners of the competitions we have down here." He said gesturing to the plates on the walls; they were license plates with various names on them.
"Me and Crash have air hockey competitions down here. Next week that bitch is so going down, I worked on my right hand shots." Mouth said with a smirk.
Jack laughed and walked towards a light on the wall with a button.
"When you press this button-
"Oh! Let me! Pick me! Ohh Pick me!" Mouth said waving her hand frantically in the air. Jack had a confused look on his face and tried not to burst into laughter as he watched his girlfriend.
"I love pressing buttons! Ohh! Pick me! Pick me!" She exclaimed raising her hand high.
"Yes Mouth." Jack asked laughing. Mouth smiled and ran up to him and pressed the red button.
Mouth smiled seeing the wall drag across to the other side. It opened up a whole new room.
"This is our theater room." Jack stated. "Where we watch movies." Mouth stated.
"No shit." Jack stated with a smile. "Shut up." Mouth said to him.
"We watch stuff like the Godfather series, The Italian Job, Invincible, Friday Night Lights, Grind, A knight's tale, Harry Potter, Troy, The fast and the furious, 2fast 2furious, The Secret Window, Pirates of the Caribbean 1 & 2, Finding Nemo, Elf, Talladega nights, Anchorman, Sweet Home Alabama,-
"Okay, babe. That's enough they get the point." Jack said interrupting his girlfriend listing all the movies.
"She's a big move person." Mouth just shook her head. "Hey, Any movie that has hot guys, drama, romance, comedy action. I'm hooked." Jack grabbed her hand and pulled her along.
Jack and Mouth walked past a door and Mouth stopped. "What about this room?" Jack stopped and said. "I don't know if the really want to see that one."
"Why not? It's sweet!" Mouth said opening the door. Jack sighed and followed her in with the camera crew.
"Babe, Bobby doesn't like you coming in here." Jack said seeing his girlfriend picking up a gun. The room was filled with guns from bazookas to little hand held guns. He even had a spud gun.
"BAM! BAM! BAM!" Jack shook his head and looked at the camera.
"Scary I know. But I love her." He then turned back to her.
"Babe, be careful." Mouth scoffed and replied. "Careful? Please. I grew up with Crash-
BAM! Mouth accidentally pulled the trigger and sent a bullet through the window. The glass shattered.
"MOUTH!" Bobby screamed.
"Oh gezzies." Mouth stated. Jack grabbed the gun and set it down and pulled Mouth out of the room.
"Babe. I told you!"
"Hey look it's the weight room! Let's go in there!" Mouth said looking at the camera and ignoring Jack while opening the door.
Only to hear moaning. With a confused face Jack and Mouth turned to look in there.
"Oh, gawd!" Mouth exclaimed seeing Angel and Sofi, getting well, laid.
She quickly slammed the door.
"MOUTH! DAMN IT! EVER HEARD OF PRIVACY!" Angel said opening the door and peeking his head out to see the cameras.
"Oh, hey are you filming this?" One of the crewmen nodded. "Hey, what's up?" Angel asked becoming sly and smiling.
"Yes, it's cribs." Jack stated.
"I didn't know you liked Britney Spears, Angel." Jack said with a smirk. Angel gritted his teeth.
"Ew that's plain nasty." Mouth said scrunching her face up about the fact that Angel and Sofi were in there, doing it, by the workout machines or even on them.
"I am never working out in there again." Angel smirked. "Good I get it all to myself then."
"You are nasty!" She exclaimed. "Damn, everyone is horny today!" Jack said looking at Mouth who stood there rolling her eyes.
He looks at the camera. "Hey! Don't say I didn't warn you! This house is insane, I mean you better be prepared when you open up a door you never know what or who will be behind it. Some doors are just meant to be kept locked." He then turned back to Mouth and raised his eyebrows.
"You know, I'm feeling kind of horny." Jack stated.
"You know I'm feeling kind of annoyed." Mouth joked. Jack laughed and the two walked into another room.
"This is our indoor pool!" Jack stated. Mouth smiled and said. "Yep, I love it!"
"Me too." Jack stated. Mouth looked at him and said. "But you don't swim much." Jack nodded his head agreeing with her but said. "Your right, but I loved it the time we went skinny dipping in here."
Mouth soon blushed and said. "Okay, time to go upstairs now." Jack laughed and put his arms around her waist as they exited that room and walked upstairs.
They arrived into the dining room. Jack stopped in front of a picture of an old woman with white curly hair and bright blue eyes wearing a blue sweater.
"This is defiantly my favorite photo." He said looking up at the photo. "Mine too." Mouth stated.
"It's my ma, Evelyn Mercer, the sweetest woman in the god damn world."
Jack smiled and grabbed Mouth's hand and said. "Come on, let's go out back." Mouth smiled as they walked out into the backyard.
"This is our own skate park, we built it in our backyard, because Mouth here loves to skate." Jack said as the camera quickly scanned the skaters skating on their skateboards in their skate park.
"Mouth!" Bam Margera called skating up to her. The camera quickly focused on him.
"Hey Bam!" She greeted him.
"You've seen Crash and Joel?" he asked.
"Well, they've uh, they're kind of."
"Getting laid." Jack finished for her. Bam eyes widened. "Damn It takes them forever, two hours ago they said they were getting a drink."
"Ew, bad picture again." Mouth stated. Bam shuddered and said. "Alright, well come back later." He the skated off.
Just as Mouth and Jack were going to walk towards the cars they heard someone skating and Mouth turned around.
"Ryan! What's up man?" She asked smiling seeing one of her best friends. The camera focused on Ryan Sheckler. "Nothing much. Sup Jack?" He asked nodding his head to Jack.
"Cribs." Ryan laughed and said. "I did that when I was like 13 or 14." Jack laughed.
"You going to be skating later?" He asked.
"Chyeah." Mouth stated. Ryan laughed and said. "All right." He then made his way towards the back and Jack and Mouth continued walking to the cars.
"Ah I love cars." Jack stated as the camera focused on his 06 Range Rover.
"Me too." Mouth said smiling at her bright orange Hummer 3. Jack smiled and said. "This is my car, and that's hers."
"Yup I love it!" Jack smiled and the two walked over to a much older car.
"And this is Bobby's." Jack stated. Mouth soon scrunched up her eyebrows.
"I tried to give it a makeover once, but then Bobby broke my skateboard."
Jack laughed remembering it.
"He never likes to throw anything away." Jack said. Mouth laughed at the side of the car.
"He was keyed!" Jack saw the key scratches and laughed. "But when he's trying to get a girl, he uses my car."
Then the camera focused on two dirt bikes.
"Mine is the bright purple one." Jack smirked and walked over to the black one.
"Now most people tell you to get out. But we're not like most people are we babe?" Jack said looking over at Mouth.
"No, we're most defiantly not."
Jack and Mouth both started their dirt bikes. "So MTV, Do us a favor. Get the fuck off of our property." Jack stated as he drove off. Mouth smiled and said.
"Bye bitches!" She then drove off following Jack.
"Dude, Jack Mercer is so awesome!" A young boy by th age of thirteen said as the cribs episode finished up.
"Yeah man." His friend said sitting next to him watching the Tv. "He look!" The other kid said pointing at the TV.
"For the viewers of this episode, we are sorry for the fowl language. We ran out of bleeps to cover them all up. Again we apologize –Producers, MTV Cribs.
A/N: This was really fun making I hope you all like it. I did! Please review if you did!