Title: A Progression in Moments

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death

(Buffy POV)

I'd wished that Spike's death wasn't an accident a few days ago, hadn't I? That was stupid of me.

What was I thinking? This is the Hellmouth. You don't say the W-word here unless you really want it to happen, and to happen big.

Guess I got my wish, too.

This whole thing has just been weird.

Weird how it happened, weird how none of us even once thought to comment on the whole in-love-with-Spike-thing, and weird how it all happened so fast.

I mean, two weeks ago I still thought Xander was completely straight. And now, just two weeks later, he's gone gay, secretly fallen in love with a male undead serial killing-type person, watched said male-person die, gone completely nuts, tried to bring the completely dead back to a lesser state of deadness, was attacked and then almost raped by his less-dead undead boyfriend, watched boyfriend die a second time, and is now mourning.

It seems like all of that should've taken more time. Three weeks at least.

But, then, I guess most of us have been operating in a confused daze for most of it, so it probably went faster than it should have. None of us were really thinking all that straight. Especially not Xander.

And, can I say, thank God me and Willow expected that?

Giles had been going on and on about how bringing Spike back would just result in 'releasing the pure demonic essence or whatever that lived beneath a vampire's human shell.' That it was impossible to even think Spike would come back in his right mind, if he even came back in the right body.

And he means well, he really does, but I know from experience that a person mourning a loved one isn't exactly at their most rational. If they see a way to bring that person back, they'll do it no matter how stupid Giles says they are.

It had all seemed a bit iffy to me too. Spike was dust. How do you get a body out of dust?

But when Xander eventually found that spell to bring Spike back, me and Willow still agreed to help. I figured, who knows, it might actually work.

I'd meant it when I said that I would do anything to take back what I'd done. This was all my fault, after all. And if Giles was right, and Spike did come back eviler than before and killed Xander, then that would be my fault too. I needed to be there.

And as Willow was the only one who could actually do the spell, she also needed to be there. I don't even want to think about what would've happened if Xander, with all his bad luck and inexperience, had tried to do the spell himself. Probably would've started his own mini-apocalypse.

Not that what actually did happen was very pretty either.

It was all very eww, actually

Turns out that, just like always, Giles was right.

I mean, Spike had looked so . . .

Well, let's just say that Xander must not have gotten all of Spike's dust in that urn, because there were pieces missing. And I'm not just talking about Spike's mind, either, which was also very obviously missing.

Acting like a confused and extremely angry animal, he hadn't seemed to recognize anything but Xander, unfortunately for Xander. It's just a good thing that I'd been there to stop the Spike-thing from going any further, even if it did mean that Xander wasn't speaking or looking at me again.

After killing his boyfriend twice now, I don't really blame him. I'd be pretty pissed too.

But I kinda like Xander's normal, not dead, shape as it is, so I'm not sorry.

The first time I'd slayed Spike had been an accident, an accident I'd regretted and wished wasn't one. I got my wish, this second slaying wasn't an accident, and I probably should be sorrier but I'm not. Don't like it, didn't like doing it, but still not sorry.

Xander doesn't really seem to agree with me on this, but that's okay. Everyone's gonna just keep an eye on him for awhile, make sure he doesn't do any larger or more permanent acts of stupid.

Despite all that nasty, this whole thing has given him a kinda closure, at least. He should be alright eventually.

Maybe not completely happy, but alright.

The End.

Sorry, but Spike living just didn't fit. Too happy