Teen Titans Go Retro!
Chapter 1: Cue Crappy Theme Music!
(Just another normal day at Titans Tower, everyone is preparing to settle in for a day of Movie Marathon action as Cyborg has wiped up enough Popcorn to last them days on end. Beastboy has the first pick.)
BB: Okay guys, I've narrowed down my choice for my first turn down to two. Will it be "Robotic Pirate Ninja Zombie Monkeys from Space!" Or "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life" a hilarious romp through the life cycle of man to find the answer to the ultimate question.
Cy: What does it matter, your next pick will obviously be one of those two anyway.
Raven: And isn't the first one just a plotless piece of junk that never goes anywhere?
BB: (Thinks it over) Yeah but it has Robot Pirate Ninja Zombie Monkeys from Space! Its a movie that promises you everything in the title itself! Like that other movie that came out, you know the one with the Samuel L. Jackson and those snakes on that plane, the title escapes me at the moment.
Robin: Just put on either Beastboy, it is your turn.
BB: The thing is Raven goes next and knowing her she'll put on a real dark drama or horror film.
Raven: I was planning on watching something that suits both our tastes actually Beastboy. A nice little dark comedy satire of 1960's poltics called "Dr. Strangelove" I found it in your DVD pile last night.
BB: Never thought you'd pick one of my movies.
Raven: I never thought I'd spend the night in your room. Strange things happen huh. But next time its my bed okay.
BB: Why, you don't want another bag of chips poking your back?
Raven: That and I don't want to worry about stepping on any tofu bar wrappers when I get up.
Cy: You know, you can stop pretending that you two aren't girlfriend and boyfriend. We know what you do to each other every saturday night in each other's rooms.
Raven: Cyborg do you want to get your face pummeled?
Cy: Geez sorry. At least you two aren't obsessively obvious. Like some people (Looks over at Robin and Starfire)
Star: Perhaps the movie I choose may be a Romantic Comedy that has characters who resemble both me and Robin's personalities so we may indulge in fantasy as we watch?
BB: Seriously Robin we'd like it if you just toned things down a bit.
Raven: Yeah, you guys keep making goo-goo eyes every two seconds.
Robin: No we don't!
Raven: You're doing it now!
(Robin and Star are looking at each other in that sickening new married way)
BB: Okay thats it, I'm putting on Monty.
(Screen turns on and rveals GR's face)
GR: Hello butt nuggets.
Robin: Oh hell no!
Star: Brother-in-law General Rage! How nice it is to see you. Please tell us why you have hijacked the television?
GR: What do you think I'm just gonna march right in to your little tower and let you guys attack me with your stinking super powers?
Robin: Where are you GR? Cause so help me god I will find you and bring you to jail for everything-
GR: Sorry Bird Brain not gonna happen. I'm not stupid you know. Anyway Id like to introduce you to someone.
(Sergeant Pain appears on the screen)
Sergant Pain: Hello!
GR: Everyone meet my son, Sargeant Pain.
Pain: Wow dad you were right, the kid with the mask does dress like a dork!
Star: Oh how joyous! Hello nephew Pain! I am Starfire your mother's sister!
Pain: (Looks confused) I'm related to her?
GR: Yes, its weird I know.
Star: Please how is my beloved sister? I know she is still the cruel and destructive person she has always been but I still do enjoy talking to her...when she's not in the mood.
GR: Blackie is here too.
(Blackfire sits down and puts her arms around GR)
Blackfire: Hey earthlings! (Scowls at Starfire and talks in a low annoyed voice) Hello little Sister.
Star: Sister Blackfire, it is so joyous to see you! Perhaps when you stop being jealous of my life and become less evil we can have a playdate with little nephew Pain.
Blackfire: (Sarcastic) Oh sure, we'll do that, and we can visit fantasyland while we're at it. We'll go to candy drop lane and skip and frolic through the pixie stick fields, (In a more serious voice) Its never frickin happening.
Pain: I'm related to an overly chipper Alien who has a Bird Brained Traffic Light as a boyfriend. My life is over and I'm only a few months old.
GR: Oh don't be so pessimistic. Go run along now and play Grand Theft Auto whilst daddy talks to his friends.
Pain: Whatever dad, reveal your evil illegal plan for creating entertainment for the masses. I don't care. (Walks off)
Blackfire: Isn't he an angel, just like his father.
Robin: What do you want Rage?
GR: The usual, mindless mayhem for the sake of a quick buck or two.
Blackfire: And becoming famous, don't forget that
GR: Ah yes, the dog eat dog nature of Hollywood. I love it so. So anyway me and Blackfire have made time in our busy schedule to contact you all.
Blackfire: We have to be quick, its roleplay night.
GR: And we both require our regular dose of sexual stimulation.
BB: Do you two ever go a day without sex?
GR: No. We must have one expierence a day. Otherwise everything else is unfullfilling.
Robin: Have you ever considered that maybe you should, I don't know, stop! I mean you have a kid now!
GR: An extremely intelligent kid who knows how to take care of himself. I mean I taught him how to use a gun. He shoots almost as good as me.
(Titans look at him in shock)
Blackfire: Besides our relationship is completely healthy. And we don't always express our love through sex you know.
GR: Sometimes we go out, have a few burgers, maybe a banana split or two, head to the movies, kill some Columbian Drug Lords...
Blackfire: Don't forget last week when we harrassed Jack Thompson by throwing eggs at his door.
GR: Sucka should know better then to mess with my video game systems. Anyway Titans I was going over some ideas...
Raven: Of how to make our lives worse?
GR: Not too far off the mark Raven. You see a lot of TT original comic fans hated your animated show because of how simplified and warped it was from the original source canon. So whilst I was thinking how I could of made the show better I also came across a way to make it even worse.
Cy: Why would you do that?
GR: You know I haven't the slightest clue. I just thought it would be fun to try it out on you guys. Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm going to zap your entire city with an awesome piece of movie technology I stole from a lab...because I have no knowledge of how to invent stuff like this. (Blackfire pulls curtain off of laser gun in the corner) This little firebrand is going to place Jump City back to years 1968-1973! At the time superhero shows were childish, stupid, pointless and more or less made the original source material they were based off of a huge disgusting joke. Shows like the 1960's animated series of Spiderman or the Superfriends were so bad you could never take them seriously.
Robin: So you're going to zap our city and turn it into a craptacular saturday morning cartoon from the late 60's and early 70's!
GR: Well I already accomplished turning you losers into drugged out hippies in my "Trial of Billy Jack" parody. This is an entirely different parody of what I did before. I'm now lampooning the crappy TV of that time period. Now prepare for your assimalation into insanity! Blackfire! FIRE THE LASER!
(Blackfire fires the laser to the tune of Super Evil Genius music)
Robin: Titans r-
(Laser blast hits city and engulfs them all, crappy music cues up and a title screen showing a Giant T flahes in our faces then the T splits and shows the title 'Teen Titans' with the five Titans standing on it with big stupid smiles, then theres a flash and we close up on the T tower)
Narrator: (God like commading voice) In the great halls of the T Tower, there are assembled five of the worlds greatest Teenage Heroes! The Teen Titans! Created by the cosmos' greatest stories and by cheap animators. All so that the producers of this network can make easy money from this comic tie-in that destorys any hope of someone outside the comic community actually taking superheroes seriously.
(Robin's logo appears on screen and Robin swings into frame)
Narrator: Robin! Leader of the Titans! With his quick wit and gadgets Robin can solve any problem! Although he's the most predictable and boring one of them all and no one can understand why they'd pick him as a leader if he's just an annoying little prick.
(Robin looks screen with an angered and suddenly hits a building face firstr. A green Star slides into place and Starfire burst out of it)
Narrator: Starfire! An alien from another world! With overpowering strength and laser eyes she is more then a formidable force for any enemy. However her role will be downplayed because she is a woman.
Starfire: What? (Starfire's eyes glow with white hot anger as they begin to turn green, screen turn to an open field as Cyborg drops from the sky and the ground crack beneath him)
Narrator: Cyborg! The Token Black Cybernetic Superhero! With his technological supremacy he can bring about the destruction of all those who oppose that which is right. But we won't use him much either. He's just here to provide ethnic diversity.
Cyborg: Pft, whatever
(Scene turns to Jungle as Beastboy swings down from the trees as a monkey and morphs back to a human)
Narrator: Beastboy, the green changeling who can turn into any animal! He's our comedic relief. Thats basically it.
BB: What? Thats it? No long winded intro? No valuable input as to my place on the team?
Narrator: No we don't care.
(Scenes switches to black Raven that morphs into Raven's shape)
Narrator: And Raven, the mysterious girl from another diemension who can control dark magical energy.
Raven: I just know I'm going to hate this parody.
Narrator: Too bad, because you're in the opening now and there isn't any going back at this point. Now and forever.
Raven: I hate life.
(Scene switches to two people with elf ears and bad haircuts and crappy yellow jumpsuits)
Narrator: And junior heroes in training The Blunder Twins, Whose-It and Whats-Her-Face! Who have extremely crappy powers that don't help anyone but they are here to play into the young child demograhpic as someone they can relate to. (A blue stupid monkey jumps on Whose-It's back) And their favourite sidekick, Dumbass the space monkey! Whose purpose is to be completely idiotic and screw everything up!
(Scene changes back to title with all the Titans and the Blunder Twins standing a top it)
Narrator: Their mission, to defeat evil, right which is wrong, spread justice to the world, uphold the American way and pig out on large quatities of pizza! These are "The Teen Titans!"
(Music stops abruptly)
BB: Uh...who are the two in the yellow jumpsuits?
Raven: My hero career has hit a new time low.
Stay tuned for the Titans first adventure!