title: The Ukette
pairing(s): Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Lee/Gai/Shikamaru/Chouji/Asuma/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Kankuro/Kabuto/Itachi - Naruto
rating: T (Teen)
warning:BL (boy love), serious oocness, language, somewhat au (still ninjas; just in a different environment).
dedication:This story is dedicated to all my reviewers, favorite-ers, and alert-ers. for my first Naruto drabble series, Moments. Especially Mint Pizza Queen and Tesina Gela Gardner. Thank you.
disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto
To my readers,
This fanfiction is not the spawn of too many The Bachelor/The Bachelorette episodes (though the title was based off of the latter...). It was rather situated thanks to VH1's Flavor of Love. For all of those who have never watched it or the television show does not air in your region, it is just a funnier, less serious, version of the former two shows. Actually, I've never even watched one episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, so I'm only writing this thanks to that one show. xD;;
And beware, I did not read the manga. I'm only judging Sai's character from what I've read on his article at Wikipedia and other fanfictions. But he was already going to be ooc, so it doesn't really bother me (nor should it you, if you're still reading) that much...
This is an introductory chapter, so don't expect much now. Chapters progressing will be much longer. After reading this chapter, review and vote off one character. Results will be posted in the next chapter and the contestant with the most votes will be eliminated in chapter two.
If you have read all of that (which I doubt you did), and you are still interested in this fanfiction, please continue on and enjoy the first chapter of The Ukette.
P r o l o g u e : Hello . Naruto .
"Naruto...are you sure about this?" Iruka asked worriedly, taking a long look at the applications, video tapes, and gifts on the large oak desk.
"Konohamaru suggested it! I don't understand why all my friends suddenly have the hots for me, but I can't break their hearts! I really think this is the best way." Naruto beamed.
"Where is this going to take place Naruto? How much is it going to cost? What if you get hurt? Physically? Mentally? What if you ruin your friendsh-...?" Iruka began to rant, flailing his arms madly.
"Iruka-sensei! Calm down. A mysterious source is providing a mansion! Can you believe that, Iruka-sensei? A mansion! ("Who? But what if it's booby-trapped?!") Sasuke, Neji, and Gaara are going to sustain food and basic needs. And..hello? I'm going to be the heart-breaker here! Not that I'm proud of it, but I just can't see how I'm going to be hurt. And before we start this whole thing I'll make it clear to my friends that once this is all over, our friendship will remain. I want to find that special someone, Iruka-sensei..." Naruto trailed off, now quite somber.
Iruka petted his surrogate-son's blond mop of hair. "Don't worry Naruto. You'll find you're special person. Now," he said, immediately cheering up in hopes of brightening Naruto's unusually dismal mood, "Tell me how this whole Ukette thing works."
Naruto grumbled, "I still don't understand why I have to be the uke though..."
The big wooden doors to the secluded office opened and three adorable Genins came tumbling out in all their dramatic glory.
"'Cuz ya' look like a girl, chief! Honestly, who can imagine you on top!" Konohamaru chuckled, Moegi giggled, and Udon sniffed.
"Grrrr...! Yer lil' brats!" Naruto smacked Konohamaru on the back of the head.
"I don't even know where you learn those things from..." Naruto muttered, "You definitely know more than I did when I was a Genin..."
Iruka stared at his 'son'. Naruto, at age 17, certainly looked different than he did back when he was twelve. Now a Chuunin on the verge of becoming a Jounin, Naruto's blond mop of hair became slightly darker, carrying a deep golden tone. His chiseled yet delicate face was lightly tanned, but never too much so; he was slim and petite, yet unmistakably muscled and strong. Deep blue eyes and a heart of pure gold completed the wonderful boy and he became a target for most of Konoha's teenage population.
So much so, that he had to have his own version of the Bachelorette: The Ukette (1).
"Hmph! You can call it whatever you like, but don't make the mistake! When this is done and over with, I will be seme!"
"No you won't." Moegi countered.
"Dammit, girl, yes I will!"
"Nope." She giggled as his face turned crimson in anger.
"I don't have time to deal with this crap! Let's start."
The five shinobi sat around the wooden desk.
"Okay. I picked out fifteen guys," Naruto stated, the group already knowing and accepting that he just swung that way. Though it did break the hearts of many females... "Here they are..."
Uchiha Sasuke, Age 18; Jounin
Eye Color: Black
Hair Color: Black
Criminal Record: Disloyalty to Konoha, banding with Orochimaru, looting three Icha Icha books
Kekkei Genkai: Sharingan of the Uchiha Clan
"I always knew he had a thing for the Uchiha..." Moegi whispered to Udon.
"Shut up!" Naruto yelled. "I'm only doing this because he's so persistent! And he's paying for a third of the crap! It'd be wrong to not invite him..."
Giggle. Giggle Sniff.
"Ugh..." Naruto rolled his eyes.
Hyuuga Neji, Age 19; ANBU
Eye Color: Lavender/White
Hair Color: Dark Brown/ Black
Criminal Record: Breaking and Entering (Uzumaki Household)
Kekkei Genkai: Byakugan of the Hyuuga Clan
"He broke into your house?" The four questioned.
"He said he came to return something..."
"What?" Iruka asked.
"He borrowed ramen from you..?" Udon asked skeptically.
"I don't think so, but he sure did distract me with the miso ramen he brought with him!"
"Next guy..." Iruka muttered.
Sabuku No Gaara, Age 17; Fifth Kazekage
Eye Color: Aquamarine
Hair Color: Red
Criminal Record: Murder (no charges under governing status)
Kekkei Genkai: None; yet unnatural ability to manipulate sand due to being the host of the one-tailed Shukaku
"Isn't that the scary, no-eyebrow dude?" the kunoichi asked. "Y'know... the one with the retarded brother that we met a few years back. Kankuro was his name...?"
"I could've soooo taken that puppet-guy on..." Konohamaru whispered in Moegi's ear.
"Suuuure..." Udon laughed...and sniffed.
"Naruto are you sure about this one...?"
"Of course! Gaara and I are great friends now! He can also give me tips on the whole Kage thing...y'know."
"Next one..." all four sighed.
Naruto pouted and brought out the folder containing the next man's data.
Iruka read no farther than his name before shouting, "NO!"
"Iruka-sensei you didn't even read the whole thing!"
"Boy! I said NO!"
Uchiha Itachi, Age 22; Ex-Missing-Nin
Eye Color: Black (red usually)
Hair Color: Black
Criminal Record: Many; First: Assassination of entire Uchiha Clan; Most Recent: Illegally buying mansion; Mental health is questionable.
Kekkei Genkai: Sharingan of the Uchiha Clan
"You must have lost your goddamn mind!" Iruka stated glaring at Naruto.
"There is no way you can vindicate this one, Naruto!"
"He's a murderer! He kills people! He's crazy! And you expect me to allow you to live in the same house as him? A big mansion?! The one he illegally bought?"
"He must know every nook and cranny in that house and he will find you, Naruto! No matter where you hide, he will find you!"
"No one will be there to protect you! Who's strong enough to take him on? And you are going to put those two Uchihas in the same house?! Child, I have the right mind to use the belt on you right now!"
"Naruto! There is no way you can justify this one!"
Naruto smirked and held out the picture of Uchiha Itachi for the group to see. "But he's hawt!"
After many debates, shouts, giggles, whispers, arguments, agreements, threats and nosebleeds later...
"I think we have our men." Konohamaru stated smugly.
"Yes," Naruto agreed. "I believe we do."
"Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon?" The blond questioned. "Would you do the honors?"
"Of course, boss!" The three shouted, took the list of selected male names, then opened and exited the heavy office doors.
The three Genins were greeted by a sea of hopeful looking men.
"The Uke has made his decision!" Konohamaru called out, his voice resonating deep authority as if he was the trusted messenger of the almighty King. He ignored the shouts of protest from the other side of the door (Dammit Konohamaru! I'mma be seme!).
An immediate silence spread over the crowd of desperate males.
"The choices of the selected are..." the three began.
The men in the crowd were restless, anxious to hear the results.
"Sasuke Uchiha." Moegi called out. A dark-haired boy smirked.
"Neji Hyuuga!" Udon shouted to the crowd. A white eyed boy chuckled.
"Sabuku No Gaara and Kankuro!" Konohamaru yelled.
The light-eyed boy glared heatedly at the quivering-in-excitement puppeteer.
"Shikamaru Nara! Chouji Akimichi! Shino Aburame! Rock Lee!" The genius scoffed, Chouji grinned and opened a bag of potato chips in celebration, Shino blinked, and Lee's triumphant dance took out nine other possible-contestants.
"Maito Gai, Hatake Kakashi and Asuma Sarutobi! ...Hmph...freakin' pedophiles..." Konohamaru stared at the celebrating men.
"Itachi Uchiha! Kiba Inuzuka! Sai and Kabuto Yakushi!" Udon sighed as he finished off the list. Sasuke was paralyzed in a state of utter shock at the name of his brother, while Itachi smirked oh-so sexily. Kiba and Akamaru howled in joy while Sai smiled brightly. Kabuto was already having naughty thoughts and a trail of blood slipped out of his left nostril.
"I apologize to all the others. They're many fish in the sea. Now hurry up and scat!" Moegi yelled, shooing the men away. "Except for the chosen fifteen, I don't want to see anyone else here!"
As everyone finally made their somber leave, the fifteen men walked up and stood in front of the three Genins, feeling unnaturally small compared to the eleven year olds.
"Here are the directions to the mansion, though I expect one of you already knows the way," Udon glanced at the brooding Itachi, "Be there at 7 PM tonight. Anyone late will not be allowed into the mansion. Dress to impress." After handing out small flyers of the given directions, the three kids bowed and re-entered the office.
"Did everything go well?" Naruto asked.
"Perfect!" the three grinned.
Seven o'clock came rather quickly as fifteen men stood in front of the towering well-decorated mansion. They smiled as a long black limousine pulled up to greet them. Coming out stood their favorite blond, in all his righteous, golden glory.
There on his right-hand side was Iruka, in a dark suit as Naruto's Advisor, while the three familiar Genins wore familiar bodyguard attire with 'Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad' in neon-yellow printed on the back of their thick vests. They'll make sure to take care of anyone who gets too unwantedly close to the blond.
Naruto smiled gently at the men and gestured towards the large expensive residence,
"Shall we enter?"
(1) Techincally, 'Ukette' isn't a word - but more of a mix of Uke and Bachelorette, so I don't think anyone can really tell me I spelled it wrong. Hence, me being the creator of the word, I therefore dub it correct.
myinukoi: Please review. Yes, I am aware that some of the selections are extremely weird, but please remember to vote off only one person in your review. I'm sure you'd like to vote off more than one, and personally - so do I - but we can't. My opinion doesn't even count!