title: The Ukette

author: myinukoi

pairing(s): Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Shikamaru/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Itachi - Naruto

rating: T (Teen)

warning:BL (boy love), serious oocness, language, somewhat au.

disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

C h a p t e r9: Crazy . For . You Part

"...and that's why penises are made of awesome."

"Ah...I see. But Sai, you see, half of our time is up, and I think for me to form a proper diagnosis, we should talk about things other than the male's most private anatomy..."

"Private? Noting about my man-goods is private, love."

Sai stood up and placed his long, nimble fingers on his pant's zipper. "D'you wanna see? I'll only charge you three bucks..."

"Ugh..." Ito waved her hands in front of her face. "No, thank you."

The half-clothed boy shrugged and sat down, and Ito pondered. Out of all the lustful men in the competition, Sai was the only one that just screamed, "I have so many sexually transmitted diseases and I'm more than willing to share!". Perhaps she should warn Naruto to be wary of this one...

"What should we talk about?"

"Well, so far all the other contestants have been willing to share their feelings about Naruto. Why don't you?"

"Naruto is sexy. So hot. What an uke. And he's in denial! Uke's in denial about their sexual status - Gods, that's nosebleed worthy..."

"U-Um...Sai?" Suma wanted to quickly change the subject. "You seem like a happy boy. You haven't stopped smiling since I met you. Did something delightful happen just recently to make you grin like this? Or are you abusing any substances, substances that I should know about...?"

"Hm?" He waved off her inquiry. "Ah, no! I'm always smiling like this. Ever since I met Naruto."

"And why would that be? All the other contestants fell for Naruto too, but they don't smile as much as you do..."

"Smiling seems to make Naruto happy. So that's what I do."

"But," the therapist questioned once again, "if that's true that you smile because of him and not because of your own accord, then wouldn't that make your smiles false?"

Sai shrugged. "Perhaps. But Naruto's smiles are just as false as mine. His fake grins are not as frequent as mine, but they are there all the same. Besides, before this smiling facade, my face was set like stone. I prefer hollow emotions to none at all."

Sai's eyes became dark crescents as his current beam overpowered his face, but he was able to peek through his lashes and catch Ito-san scribbling furiously.

When she was done, she asked another question. "You come across as quite the sexual fiend, Sai. Seeing as how you give off quite the promiscuous air, can you picture yourself in a future, constant relationship with Naruto at all?"

"If Naruto picks me," Sai began his answer, quite eloquently, "then I will be more than happy to stay with him and screw his tight ass for as long as it is available for me to screw. But if you're speaking of a domestic life with him...?" Sai's chin tilted up and he pondered dramatically. "Then, I guess you can say I can picture myself marrying him. His has to be reeeeeally good though. I hope he doesn't mind that I'm a bit clingy..."

"Clingy? Hm..." Ito's wheels began turning. "Are there any other side-effects to being in a serious relationship with you?"

Sai nodded. "If Naruto is to ever become my wife, he will have to cook, clean, pay the bills, make all decisions, stay by my side, and be tolerant to my over-sensitivity."

Suma was scribbling off her page so quickly that it seemed as though the quick friction between the paper and her pencil could cause her hand to erupt in flames.

"As long as I remain dominant when sex comes into play..."

"Have you ever been told that you are quite dependent, Sai? How do you manage? Do you live by yourself?"

"My aunt comes over every once in a while to help with cooking, cleaning and whatnot. She also pays off my credit card, and pays for my mortgage as well as my rent."

"What, may I ask, would you do if all of these human resources we taken away from you? How would you survive on your own?"

"On my own?" Sai contemplated and his smile dampened a bit. "Well, that's impossible..."

"Is it really, Sai-kun? Is it really? As I recall, Uchiha Sasuke lost all his precious people at the tender age of eight, and since then he has fended for himself. If put in a similar predicament, how would you survive?"

Sai's Confessional: (no smile) So this was the manipulative shit they said she always tries to pull...

"I-I couldn't..." Sai stuttered, his cherry disposition dropping bit by bit. "I c-couldn't survive..."

"Poor dear..." Suma tapped his knee with false comfort. "Of course you couldn't."

She rose from her chair and walked to the door. She stuck her head outside and called out, "Next patient, please?"

Strictly business from now on, Suma thought to herself. No more games. I'm tired of these contestants going ape-shit. My patients are going to act like reasonable men there own age when they converse with me! Starting now!

Too bad Ito-san wasn't too familiar with her next contestants...


She was hypnotized.

Mesmerizing. That was the only word to describe it. It blew in delusory breezes and swayed to an invisible, musical beat. It fell upon its self like dark, bitter chocolate; waves crashing upon waves and she suddenly felt high. Her breath caught in her throat when the sharp, highlighted strands of mahogany caught the light and winked at her playfully.

"Yeah." Neji showed off one final hair flip, and her glassy eyes clouded over in wonder. "The hair – it has that effect on people."

"Amazing," she breathed.

Neji didn't bother to hide his pride. "It is, isn't it?"

She nodded in utmost agreement before she realized that she had wasted three minutes of their time with her admirance.

"Herbal Essences!" Ito squealed, suddenly remembering. "Homigad!! You were in that one ad! It's you! You were with Uzumaki-san! Good god, those pics were sooo hot!"

"Thank you." Neji nodded humbly with reserve, but on the inside, he was bursting at the seams with pure ego.

Neji's Confessional: You see that! People recognize me for someone other than a lower-branched Hyuuga! I'm a model, dad! Are you proud of me now?

"Woah..." She refrained from petting his flawless locks. "What do you do to keep it so perfect?"

Suma knew she was totally getting off topic. This was unprofessional and not at all what she was being paid for, but dammit! She may never have another chance to get rid of these godforsaken split ends!

"Well," Neji refrained from flipping his hair away from his shoulder and to his back; he didn't want to distract the psychiatrist again. "I guess all Hyuuga's are born with it, y'know. But while the rest of my family members wear down their hair with sweat and blood during training, which is, of course, still very important as a ninja, I just believed that the key to a perfect Zhen state and chakra composition is through the hair's pores..."

Suma followed on, flipping back the page labeled 'Hyuuga Neji', and labeling another one with a simple title of 'Hair Care'.

"So, I wake up in the morning and... Jeez! Why am I even telling you when I can just show you?"

Suma was confused, until Neji pulled out a clean, white sheet of paper folded in a perfect square and handed it to her. She took it, and opened it carefully. The paper's edges were sharp and the sides seemed ruler-inspired even. It felt as though a lot of work went into getting it just right, though wrinkles and creases on the paper of previously failed attempts were nonexistent.

She read, the words were printed in handwriting that was very small, and could be easily confused with a keyboard's. So generic...

5:00:28 AM: Wake up.

5:00:35 AM: Stretch.

5:00:45 AM: Stand up; walk across room to window.

5:00:53 AM: Open curtains and face the twilight.

5:01:06 AM: Go to the bathroom. Flip on the switch to turn on the light.

5:01:09 AM: Smile at appearance.

5:01:13 AM: Begin to brush teeth.

- fifteen firm strokes to upper front teeth.

- fifteen firm strokes to lower front teeth.

- twelve firm strokes to left side of teeth.

- twelve firm strokes to right side of teeth.

- spit.

- open mouth; ten firm strokes to all four molar areas.

- spit.

- repeat process with twenty firm strokes.

- rinse mouth with Listerine®; spit.

- rinse mouth with water; spit.

- smile at reflection.

5:04:06 AM: Unwrap head scarf with nine wraps around.

She peeked away from her frightenely disturbing read and looked at Neji, who compiled a stack of paper squares, no doubt, the rest of his horrifyingly strict schedule.

She placed down the first paper and picked up another, ignoring the Hyuuga's tut of annoyance as he refolded the first neglected paper.

In regards to an average day without a mission; how to spend the afternoon from 1:43:01 PM to 2:01:05 PM:

1:43:01 PM: Claim to need to use the restroom.

1:43:03 PM: Excuse yourself from your currently enrolled Hyuuga-Rock Lee spar.

1:52:23 PM: Arrive at Team Seven training grounds.

1:52:24 PM: Spy on Team Seven's training activities. More importantly, Naruto, and your rival for his heart, Uchiha Sasuke.

2:01:05 PM: Return to Team Gai Training Grounds. Use extraordinarily quick wit to come up with an excuse as to your long departure; if they care to ask.

She stopped reading and picked up another sheet, the one at the bottom of the pile.

9:34:43 PM: Divide hair into two halves; set the part directly down the middle - forehead to the nape of neck.

9:34:59 PM: Then divide hair into two halves again; set the second part horizontally - from ear to ear.

9:35:07 PM: Comb each even section 137 times.

9:42:56 PM: Apply 0.5 ounces of Herbal Essences Hair Moisturizer to hair.

9:44:09 PM: Practice hair flips.

9:55:12 PM: Wrap hair with a head scarf nine times around; secure.

9:59:32 PM: Lay in bed; quickly recite today and tomorrow's events.

10:00:00 PM: Sleep.


She shuddered as she finished. Was this an extreme case or what...?

Neji shook his head in refusal when the therapist offered him back his schedule. "No need," he said. "I memorized it. You can keep them."

She left them on her desk, with every intention of throwing them out once Neji left the room.

"Hyuuga-san? How do you like working in teams? Like your old Genin team that consisted of your two teammates: Rock Lee, Ten Ten, and your sensei: Maito Gai?"

"I hate working in teams. Team members are incompetent and only slow you down. They ruin my schedule. Though the four of us our on relatively friendly terms, they upset me easily. It's like they don't have any standards, they don't care at all for appearance."

"Ah," Suma asked another question. "What are some of your hobbies, the things that you enjoy?"

"My hobbies?" Neji mused. "I like to shop. Konoha mall is always hot. My favorite places to shop there are Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, American Eagle, Aeropostale, Lacoste, Armani Exchange, Tommy Hilfiger, Banana Republic, and on occasion, Old Navy."

"Um..." Suma shook her head a bit. How preppy... Then another inquiry dawned on her. "How often do you shop? And when you do, what would you propose is a good estimate of how much you spend?"

"I shop about twice a week, usually on Friday and Saturday afternoons to evenings. I have a schedule on that too, if you want to look..." Neji motioned towards his white paper stack, but Suma shook her head in a quick, 'no'. Neji shrugged at her decline. "I calculate how long I spend in each store based on the area that the store is allowed since more space needs more time to cover, then it's daily average of customers because I hate long lines, and the varied amounts of purchasable items. I can usually come up to a good estimation with that..."

"Mmmm..." the therapist nodded. Once she was done writing she glanced back up from her small notebook. "Did you ever buy presents for anyone else? For Naruto?"

Neji's face blossomed pink as he remembered the mall challenge. "Um...on occasion. Christmas and whatnot. I buy Naruto ramen from time to time."

"Have you ever been labeled as a good gift giver? Anything particularly noteworthy you bought Naruto?"

Neji's face was downcast in thought, and just as Suma was prepared to repeat her answer, he probably didn't hear, the brunet mumbled a tidy, "No..."

Suma's eyebrow quirked up, a bit surprised. "Did you ever consider yourself a bit selfish...?"

Neji whipped his head to the side, and luckily, Suma was to busy writing down to notice how lovely his hair danced in follow.

"I see." Suma did not even glance up from her scribbling as she dismissed Hyuuga Neji and asked for him to call in Sabaku no Gaara.


As soon as Gaara walked into the room, Suma knew she was not prepared.

Everything about the boy... his crimson hair, darkly rimmed eyes, ghastly pale skin, steel aquamarine eyes, and that huge fuckin' tattoo smack dab on his forehead. Wait...did that read love? Suma mentally thought. Either he was drunk when he got that or he's an oxymoron...

Anyway...everything about the boy screamed crazy! His eccentric appearance and seemingly dull personality were two extremes that, in all honesty, scared the shit out of her.

Then she noticed the gourd on his back.

Homigad! She internally cried. It's Sabaku no Gaara. Damn! I remember now! It's the Sand's monster!

Hmm...maybe if I act as if I don't recognize him...I might be able to get out of this alive...? But who knows, it is possible he's a bit less eccentric. From what I know, no one in the house has died so far, and these are the most annoying people you could meet! I think perhaps he's learned patience.

She sighed.

Only one way to find out.

"Hello Kazekage-sama," her tone was perfectly stoic. Nothing could slip.

He nodded in regard.

She took a deep breath and then exhaled, letting her shoulders droop with the effort, only to bring them back up in steady posture. She steadied herself.

"Please have a seat."

He took one. He sat comfortably on the elongated chair with so much authority and confidence he made the cheap couch look like a throne.

Kazekage, indeed.

"I don't want to be here." His voice was of quiet dominance and his eyes were spellbinding, and she almost granted his leave.

"And I apologize for that Kazekage-sama, but you must understand..."

He cut in. "That this is what Naruto wants. I understand."

"Yes, so we should do our best to honor his wishes. This interaction will only take ten minutes of you time. I promise."

"That is good."

"Now," Ito had no idea where to begin, so she just asked the first thing that came to her mind.

"Would you care to explain the tattoo? Where'd you get it done?" She mentally cringed after the question left her mouth.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

"I was born with it. It is the kanji sign for love."

As I knew, she internally seethed. I have an education too. Please don't underestimate my intelligence, brat!

Naturally, she didn't share her thoughts aloud.

"Hm..." she decided that she shouldn't prove her own qualms of him believing her of lesser intelligence true. The smart choice here would be to avoid any more questions that could cause him to reveal any of Suna's information on him as a demon-carrier. Her questions should perhaps be a bit lighter.

"When did you meet Naruto."

"When I was twelve years old, during the Chuunin Exams. I was attempting to kill a couple of his friends... Lee-san, Uchiha-san, Haruno-san, destroy his village and whatnot."

"Oh," Suma attempted to act nonchalant through the bitter answer. Then she questioned, "Do you think that thoughts like that resurface in his mind's eye when you two are together?"

"Perhaps. But I like to believe it was of the precious times. After our battle, Naruto became my first ever friend."

Wow...Naruto sure had many friends...

"How do you rate yourself against the other suitors vying for your first ever friend's affections?"

"I will not stand for it, of course."

"And do you have a plan to stand out to Naruto more than the other contestants?"

"Naturally, I am refraining from murder..."

Ah, Suma mused. So he does still enjoy homicide, he's just holding himself back for the blond's sake. But what if he gets eliminated...how will he react then? But then again, this competition could have a bit of a positive effect. He could find his life more gratifying without the constant heckling of the need to exterminate.

"I realized during this competition, that murder is not my only forte." Gaara continued. "I am quiet able in manipulation, deceit, lying and whatnot... Those are easy to use to my advantage.

"You know, a lot of annoyances and perturbance comes with murder. Of course, I get no heckling due to my governing status, but then there is all the paperwork that I have to go through to keep things under wraps. The paperwork, I presume, was a sort of consequence for the murder."

"Quite the light consequence compared to life in prison or a mental institute." Once again, Suma disregarded her words until they came out of her mouth.

Damn it, damn it, damn it...

Gaara's light eyes narrowed a bit. "You say that as if you suggest that I should be punished along with those other petty criminals."

Suma ignored her fear for the moment in favor of her question. Perhaps that's why she was chose for this job. Her curiosity always beat out any other emotions. Definitely useful when dealing with cases such as this.

"But your crimes don't differ at all from some of those in prison. First degree muder is a charge of you and 27 percent of Suna's prison criminal population..."

"Not the same." His tone of voice was monotone, and Suma internally prayed that he was not masking anger behind his tone.

"How so?"

"Those that I kill are useless to the world's general populus and worthy of punishment."

"You speak as if you are Kami."

"There is no God," Gaara stated with steel resolve.

"Ah, an atheist. I guess we all have our beliefs."

"I believe in no higher deity than myself. I can only rely on myself and Naruto. We are the only one's truly deserving of kindness."

"Well," Suma bit back an icy retort. "Well I guess that makes you two great for each other."

"We are the only ones that can complete each other. The two of us are polar opposites in the most beautiful sense. Anyone else with either of us is simple blasphemy."

She nodded, writing in her notebook. Gods, was her wrist sore... Gaara looked up to the clock above Suma's brunet bun. "Our ten minutes is up. Nice conversing with you, Ito-san."

Suma nodded, looking up from her work to give him a disarming smile. "The pleasure's all mine."

Just as Suna's Fifth Kazekage was prepared to leave, Suma spoke.

"Kazkage-sama," the words next to emerge out of the therapist's mouth would now heartily prolong their meeting that was well-prepared to end. "Do you think that you and Naruto belong to each other simply because you both have horrible monsters contaminating your souls?"

She then realized that she worded her question so wrong.

I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die...

And her prediction was not at all far off, because Gaara turned around, the cork to his sand gourd in his hands, and he let out a low growl. "Our souls are pure."

"Ah...o-of cuh-course...very puh-pure souls..."

"But you don't understand that...no one does!"


Sh watched as his sand poured out of his gourd only to levitate in the air.

Her scream was choked off.


"Hey, they're late! What's up?" Kiba had risen from a slight nap to ask Iruka. Jeez...he didn't want to be here forever. He wanted dinner!

"I don't know if I should interrupt..." Iruka mumbled to himself worriedly.

"Go ahead! Those two are wasting time. I mean, I know Gaara has a lot of problems, but seriously..."

The other contenders nodded in agreement.

"I want my turn anyway. I'm last, right? I don't enjoy waiting," Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Hm...I still don't know..."

"Hey, Iruka," Sasuke gained the Chuunin's attention. "Did you confiscate Gaara's gourd before he entered."

Iruka blanched. "Uh-oh."


It seems that they saved her just in time. Luckily, Gaara decided that he wanted her death to be slow and torturous.

It took her half an hour to recover after she was given proper medical care.

Naruto emerged from his room and came downstairs to comfort an enraged Gaara.

They left the public's eye and Naruto thought that they should sit and talk next to the staircase.

Gaara plopped himself down on the second to last step dejectedly and he pulled Naruto into his arms and onto his lap, only to bury his face, seemingly ashamed, into the uke's blond spikes.

"G-Gaara..." Naruto was blushing.

Naruto's Confessional: If I manage to make it through this competition with this same complexion and not one of a tomatoes...I think I can die happy.

"Hmm..." Gaara mumbled, his gentle hum was muffled by Naruto's flaxen hair.

Kind of unnerved by the quick change in attitude, Naruto began, "Gaara, dude, what happened back the--"

"I missed you."

"Ah, th-thank you, Gaara, but that doesn't exactly explain why..."

"She was insulting you. She said that your soul is contaminated. I wanted to defend you."

"Thank you, but Gaara, you know that she is no physical threat to anyone in this mansion. Not even those three brats. You didn't have to try to kill her..."

"She's two-faced, I swear, Naruto. She is. She's so jealous of you..."

"I see...But Gaara we have to go now, I promise, we'll talk a lot more later on. Just you and me, alright."

"You better promise, Naruto," Gaara growled, finally stopping his nuzzling as he pulled himself away from Naruto, the smell of the blond locks still in his sensitive nostrils.

"Ah, of course! You know I won't break a promise, Gaara. My ninja way, remember?"

"Seal it with a kiss." And before Naruto could reply with another stuttered statement, Gaara's soft, thin lips were on his. And before Naruto had a chance to push him away (or respond; he was so confused), Gaara's lips were gone, and Naruto was left alone on the staircase with the taste of Suna's passionate heat on his lips.


"No, maybe you don't understand! I don't want to be here anymore! Call up a ride and get me outta here!"

Suma was putting up quite a fit, and even Iruka's caring, disarming nature couldn't get her to calm down. The rest of the suitors watched on with unbidden amusement.

"I did this as a favor to you, Iruka. I wanted to repay my debt by helping out that blond brat, but I was not supposed to be putting my life on the line! I can't stay here anymore. By the time it's time to go, I'll be in a mental ward myself!"

"Ito-san, I promise you that you're almost done. Then you can collect your pay and all will be well. We'll never have to see each other again..."

"No, no, no, no, no!"

"Almost done, almost done, almost done..." Iruka chanted, in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, as he forced the disturbed psychiatrist back into the Elimination Room. She put up quite a fight, but she wasn't much against a Chuunin.

"Itachi!" Iruka hissed harshly to the man.

Said nin rolled his eyes. "Coming, coming..."

"Calm her down," Iruka was still holding the struggling psychiatrist.

Itachi closed the door after himself once he entered the Elimination Room.

"Your next patient is here, Ito-san...Please act with decency." Iruka whispered harshly into her hair, which was now in an awful disarray.

She looked in the direction of Itachi, but unfortunately, her glasses were damaged from her mind-scarring encounter with Gaara, and she was currently waiting (rather impatiently) for a decent replacement for them to arrive.

"Please be courteous to me, Ito-san." The beautiful nin greeted. "My name is Uchiha Itachi."

Suma paused at the beautiful voice and she grudgingly allowed her insides to melt.



"Well," Suma straightened her replacement glasses and forced herself to retain the spittle that wanted to slip past her thin lips. She oggled Itachi openly with unhinged perverseness and lust. "I guess I could," she stook a deep breath and swallowed, "stay a bit longer. You understand, it is for Naruto, of course..."

Iruka sweatdropped. "Riiight.."

Itachi, with his understandable female phobia, was, needless to say, beyond unnerved.

Itachi's Confessional: I sooo better be getting extra points for this. But, ohmigad, if she touches me, I'll fix what that red-haired demon started.

"Well," Iruka's amused look that went form Suma to Itachi went unnoticed to the surprisingly observant psychiatrist, who was currently leering at Itachi, but Itachi sent Iruka his 'pity-me' look, hoping that it would get him out of his current predicament.

Yet, Iruka, who was never a fan of Itachi since day one, cheerily ignored it.

Iruka's Confessional: Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll kill each other.

"Well," Suma strutted over to her loveseat and motioned for Itachi to take a seat opposite her, but the nin didn't move.

"Before this begins, you have to understand that I do not want you in any way, shape, or form."

Suma's lusty facade faltered a bit.

"You have to understand that you are beneath me. I shouldn't have to deal with your crap. Hell, I don't deal with crap in any meaning of the word. Look at me," Itachi pointed to his face. "It's not what I do."

And Suma's frontage was falling a part with every syllable that emerged from between Itachi's pink, perk lips.

"I am gorgeous and you are not, so it'll never work. Don't try the same shit with me that you did with that Kakashi fellow."

And Suma was currently looking at Itachi, blankly, with dead, dead eyes.

"Shall we start the questioning?" Her voice was monotone, and that made Itachi very very happy.

Suma was already pretty damn sure what to diagnose this one with. No major in psychology needed to help her with that. But just to waste time, she decided to question the raven-haired man all the same.

"You come across as a very confident man...it is quite obvious that you love yourself."

Itachi nodded an affirmative.

"But, do you love yourself more than you love Uzumaki-san?"

"Of course I do," Itachi scoffed as if it was only too obvious, no hesitance or question was evident in his words.

The psychiatrist's eyes widened considerably, and she hid her face when she allowed her bangs to fall over her down-turned eyes as she scribbled a few notes.

No one thus far has ever loved anyone or anything more than Uzumaki-san... What a strange man...

Once done recording her thoughts, she looked up to find Itachi heavily immersed as he stared into the slightly reflective surface of the outside window.

"Uchiha-san," Suma called, hoping to bring the beautiful man back into the world of the living.

He didn't respond.

"Uchiha-san!" She called again, this time louder.


And once more, "Uchiha Itachi!!" but once again, her response was the same.

Honestly, this is ridiculous!

Suma stood up with an indignant huff and walked over to the window. She reached up for the deep crimson cloth of the curtains, and briskly pulled them together, hiding the window and Itachi's reflection, consequently reverting the eldest Uchiha away from his self-induced trance.

"Woah! W-What?!" Itachi allowed his head to whip back and forth as the dazed look slowly evaporated from his eyes.

"Um...Uchiha-san, are you okay?" Suma asked, clearly worried.

"Ah, yes, fine..." He straightened himself up and prepared for more interrogation.

"That's good..." Suma smiled, but the disturbance in her false grin was painfully perceptible.

"Well, back to Uzumaki-san. If you don't love him as much as the other contestants, why would you be here, allowing him false hope of finding someone who truly cares for him..."

"Please don't become confused. I care for Uzumaki-san. Just not as much as I care for myself. Though, it was very, very close."

"Uchiha-san, some of the contestants in this competition would undoubtedly die for Uzumaki-san, but you..."

"What are you talking about, Ito-san? I would die for Naruto-kun as well..." Suma frowned in confusion. "But I would not scar myself for him."

Suma shook her head back and forth, obviously baffled. "What?!"She practically screeched. "That doesn't make any sense!"

"Of course it does. Maybe, Ito-san, you're not as smart as you'd like to allow yourself to think..."

"If you die for Naruto in some sort of heroic, epic battle...you are bound to have some kind of physical lasting reminder!"

"Well...I'll allow a few scars. But only those that will make me look ever more handsome and manly...for Naruto-kun only, of course."

"And, you are choosing Naruto because..."

"He's the second hottest person I've ever met, myself being number one." Itachi sighed. "Too bad we can't have children...What a shame..."

A question hit Suma quite suddenly, "Speaking of families, can you repeat to me the fate of the Uchiha clan?"

Itachi shrugged. "I killed them all."

Suma shuddered a bit at his nonchalance. "All except Sasuke, right?"

Itachi nodded.

"Is there any specific reason...?"

Honestly, Suma expected something along the lines of 'I wanted to be the most beautiful Uchiha to ever live. So naturally, all the rest had to die. Sasuke is alive because Sasuke is no competition...' or 'Well, you see, it all started when my father decided it would be best to remove all reflective surfaces from our household...'

So, you must understand her surprise when she heard a selfless, "It was for Sasuke."

Her eyes widened considerably. "Sasuke?"

"Yes, you see...let me explain..."


"This clan meeting is pointless! We're not getting anywhere!" A gray-haired Uchiha yelled.

"But we must not end this foregathering until we come to a reasonable conclusion!"

All the other members nodded in agreement.

"Shisui and Itachi were the most beautiful in the clan. No, Shisui is dead and gone and Itachi is left. Itachi poisoned himself with bitter self-centeredness and beautiful jealousy. We must ostracize him, never allow his own self-indeuced cancer to spread to the Uchiha clan's future offsprings!" Fugaku roared with authority that made the crowd shudder in passion, though on the inside, his heart was breaking. Who could believe...his own son...?

Itachi, who watched from outside, shrugged, unaffected. They could put him in whatever isolation they wanted as long as it included a bathroom, a 8' mirror, shampoo, conditioner, and low fat Yoplait... that's all he needs to survive.

"Wait," another Uchiha interrupted, quite a fan of Uchiha Itachi. "How do we know its not a stage he's going through..."

"He's been like this since he was six!" Mikoto, the mother of Itachi and Sasuke, sobbed. "He's now thirteen, an ANBU, and more mature than any other Konoha villager under twenty five! He's not growing out of it..." She whimpered sadly.

"Fugaku, Fugaku...this is all my fault. I shouldn't have drowned him in so much affection and praise." Mikoto continued, sobbing openly. "You told me I should lay off the adoration, but he always made me so proud and I couldn't help it! And now, and now, look what happened? I'm so guilty..."

Itachi, still observing, shrugged.

Yeah, she kinda is...

After comforting his wife, Fugaku called out to a mid-twenties Uchiha,"Daichi, could you explain to us all what you saw Monday afternoon?"

Diachi stood up, receiving the attention of all Uchiha's present. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak but words would not emerge so he closed it again and attempted to properly gather his thoughts.

"I know this is difficult for you, Daichi, but please try..."

The clan members waited patiently.

Daichi nodded and opened his mouth once more, words now present.

"It was–it was... I just couldn't believe it," the man shook his dark head. "They were just children? Why poison their minds, Itachi?!" He took a deep breath and continued. "So, I was strolling around one night, simply patrolling our grounds, when I heard - you won't believe this - giggling!"

The crowd gasped and a storm of muttering began. Giggling? On Uchiha grounds? Unbelievable!

"It's true. Giggling! So, I went to observe, only to find..."

He paused for dramatic effect, and the break served its purpose. All the Uchihas faced him and Daichi felt like a storyteller among a crowd of eager children preparing for bed.

"Itachi! And not alone. He was with Sasuke, and a few other Uchiha children. And get this, he was teaching them! Teaching them of subjects at all related to shinobi training? No! He was helping them learn how to give them selves proper manicures - with a nailfile and everything, how to cleanse there pours with Neutrogena, and, oh merciful gods above...

"He showed those boys how to shampoo and condition their hair with Suave!"

The crowd of angry Uchiha's went into a loud uproar and Itachi couldn't help but scoff.

"Everyone knows that Uchihas only use Garnier Fructis!" One Uchiha shouted, appalled.

"What if this ever leaked out to those Herbal Essences Hyuugas! That the Uchihas can't even be loyal to their own hair care products! Our name will be tarnished forever!"

Fugaku quickly hushed the crowd. "Exactly. Which is why we have to save Sasuke and the future children of this clan. Itachi must go."

Cheers of approval rang throughout the crowd and as the Uchiha council came to their final decision and prepared to take their proposal to Konoha's Council next morning, Itachi felt it was time he took action. It was time he took action to every possible split end, every untamed cuticle, every disgustingly huge pore, every fucking flaw that could become a possible feature to future Uchiha heirs - particularly Sasuke.

He would not let Uchihas become victim to such a crisis. If anything, it is better them dead than flawed.

So, the night was bathed in blood and the sound of the night crickets were drowned out by the terrible shrieks of death and destruction. And when Sasuke returned home later that night, Itachi couldn't kill him. Porcelain skin, jet black hair, obsidian eyes...his little brother held so much potential, and Itachi prided himself in many things, but destroying thus thy beautiful...? Definitely not one of them.

So Sasuke was spared and to honor his father's last dying wish, Itachi tossed away his half-empty Suave: 2-in-1 bottle in favor of Garnier Fructis: Length and Strength shampoo and cream conditioner.

Flashback End

"And what do you know," Itachi sighed and tossing back his bangs. "I grew to love Garnier Fructis. A kind reminder to my deceased family." He allowed his eyelashes to flutter down towards his cheeks. "May their kind, but horribly confused, souls find proper peace, judgement, and wonderful body cleansers in the afterlife."

Suma used her forefinger and thumb to massage the bridge of her nose in quiet aggravation. Then a sudden thought, a thought that sent happiness blossoming into her eyes and shooting down to curl her toes, struck her. She looked up to the clock - and thank merciful heavens above - she only had thirty more seconds. Thirty more seconds and she was free of this wretched mansion full of wretched men! Forget The Ukette! They could document her perilous trial through madmen, won by sheer perseverance on Lifetime!

"It seems we have a bit of time left, Ito-san. Is there anything else you wish to ask me?" Itachi politely questioned.

"No!" Suma jumped at her eager voice and Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Ito-san, are you displeased with my company?"

Quivering under his gaze, Suma turned to the clock, beyond pleased to see that she only had a few more moments in this room.

Using a bit of quick thinking to escape his hard, questioning gaze, the therapist took her cup of water - used to quench herself, as she would become quite parched during her long vocal sessions - and dumped it on the floor, in front of Itachi's feet.

Just before Itachi could pull his feet up to the chair to avoid getting his painted toes wet, he looked to the floor and was mesmerized at how prettily the water and the marble collaborated to show him his, though slightly distorted, amazingly sexy reflection.

Once again, he was hypnotized in a deaf-dumb state.

Ito mentally cheered for herself.

Only fifteen seconds to go!


"Iruka, what the hell?!" Naruto whined and he felt as though his wrist was prepared to snap because Iruka just wasn't letting up.

"Jeez, Naruto! This is important. Can you hurry up a bit, please?" Iruka was running to the control room, but somehow Naruto remained oblivious to the urgency in Iruka's tone.

When they entered the room, the two walked over to Iruka's laptop. Naruto grimaced.

"Ew, Iru-sensei. I didn't know you went on sites like this..."

Iruka rolled his eyes. "No baka! Look at the screen, what do you see?"

Naruto sat in Iruka's computer chair and played a bit with the rolling wheels complaining of how he wasn't interested in ecchi sites. When Iruka smacked him on the head, the blond put his disgust to the side, and took a look.

"Well," Iruka asked impatiently. "What do you see?"

Naruto took the mouse in hand and scrolled down.

"A bunch of webcams...here's a pole dancer, a girl doing a strip-tease, some desperate uke swallowing a banana, and a girl lifting up some kind of short, lil' skir– woah! Not a girl, not a girl..."

Naruto continued to list off what he saw and Iruka continued to watch anxiously as Naruto reached the bottom of the page.

"...some perverted Seme showing his 'goods', and finally here's one dude who's..."

Naruto moved closer to the screen, not believing his eyes. It couldn't be...no way!

"OH. MY. GOD!!"


"I'm done! I did it! I'm done!" Suma cheered, forgetting all professionalism and yipping with joy.

She walked up to a tired looking Iruka. "My debts repaid. No more crap, alright? I'm leaving."

And Suma picked up her leather briefcase, prepared to be on her way when Iruka stopped her.

"Not yet."

"Oh," she scoffed and made a few wild gesticulations. "I know, I know. I still have to diagnose these men. Hold on, just let me get these notes together, I'll tell them what they have, and then I'll be on my way." Her happy grin was so bright that Iruka felt a bit sad to be the one to erase it.

"Yes, that, and something else too."

Suma froze, seemingly petrified and she repeated the Chuunin's words brokenly, "Something else...?"

"Ah, yes. You forgot there is still one more who wishes to be diagnosed."

"Hey, lady! Don't be so eager to leave! You haven't even got to the star of the show yet-ttebayo!!"

Her brown eyes went impossibly wide, Ito slowly pivoted around to see a yellow ball of sunshine, happy as a pig in shit. He grabbed her by her forearm and pulled her towards the direction of the Elimination Room (the room that she had come to hate; it would haunt her dreams for a good few months...) so she could deliver her final examination.

And just when she thought it was all over...

The Semes stared on, obviously displeased with the thought of Naruto-kun alone with the woman. Gaara hissed at the pair as they walked by.

The wrathful gazes in her direction went unnoticed to the blond, and in the back of her mind Ito knew she had to be extra carful with this one. If she did anything to upset him...

She refrained from looking at the hardened glares targeted at her.

She'll surely die.

"C'mon, Suma! Diagnose me, diagnose me! The great Uzumaki Naruto!"


"Hello, Uzumaki-san," Suma smiled at the boy.

Naruto's mask was flawless. Even though he saw the most upsetting thing only moments ago, he figured he'd save his anger. He'd save it, let his rage feast on his hurt, and then let the concoction fester. He would let it all out in this same room, minutes later when elimination time comes around. He shouldn't let his anger blow off on the poor, unsuspecting therapist. She was probably scarred enough, and he didn't want to do anything to contribute to her currently declining mental health.

To tell the truth, he's the first one to take her feelings into account at all.

So basically, the two of them were walking on eggshells around each other right now.How humorous.

"Hello, Suma-chan!" Said woman blinked a bit rapidly at the cherry suffix, but let it slide all the same.

As she examined him, she could undoubtedly see what would make Konoha fall head over heels for this boy. He was indefinitely handsome. Very slender, like a girl. So much so she was a bit jealous. His personality seems very bright. But were those sullen boys all really competitors for this teen's heart? They were seem so opposite from this glowing man. Why are they all falling for him left to right?

Suma ignored the little voice in her head that wanted her to jump out the window; dig a hole through the tiles; anything to just escape! The same voice that warned her that she was heading into dangerous zones with these boy.

She ignored that tiny voice because her curiosity was hell-bent on making her suffer.

Damn her inquisitive nature.

"So Uzumaki-san..." she was interrupted with a, "Call me Naruto."

She smiled again. "Alright, Naruto-kun. Returning to my first question, I heard you were quite the troublemaker back in your days, eh?"

Glad that someone has heard of his rebellious days, he nodded. "True! Totally true! I was so awesome! I was on a team with Kaka-sensei, Sakura-chan, and Sasuke-teme, so you can ask any of them! I was definitely the coolest!"

"Is that right?"

"Mhmmm...everybody knows I was so rad. They were always like, 'Damn, Naruto you're so brave and strong!' and like, 'You're gonna be the future Hokage for sure!' and then they'd be all, 'Your threads are so fly! That orange kicks ass!' And then I'd be all--"

But Naruto was interrupted.

"You wore orange? As a ninja? Didn't that make it a bit difficult to be stealthy? And wouldn't you have attracted enemies like honey?"

Naruto scoffed. "Uh-uh." He shook his head. "When you're such an awesomely strong ninja, you can wear whatever you like! S'matter of fact, I like it when my enemies come to me. After I kick their ass, they never come back! Hahaha!"

"Mhmmm..." Naturally, Ito began to scribble.

"Naruto," Suma placed down her notebook, and crossed her legs, lenaing forward and making eye contact with the beautiful blond to let him know that she was giving him all her attention. "Tell me about yourself. Your likes and dislikes. I want to know them all."

"Haha...of course you do!" He laughed. "I'm such a complex person, y'know, so it's like, 'Where do I begin?' Well, my likes..." Then his eyes brightened. "Oh. My. Gee. I loooove ramen. Ichiraku's ramen is the best. And I love Iruka-sensei. He's so awesome! Always buying me ramen. All my friends are really cool...not just the guys here but the girls too: Sakura, Hinata, Ten Ten, Ino, Temari, Tsunade. And there's Ero Sennin! Kakashi is always reading those books. Oh, and ano sa, ano sa! I can't forget about..."

The boy was sweet, really sweet, Suma knew, but damn! If you give the boy a chance, he'll talk you into the next century!

"...I don't like it when me and my friends fight. That always sucks. And I hate how ramen takes three minutes to make and..."

Suma, now doodling in her notebook, looked up to the clock and realized she only had five minutes left so it was about time that good down to the more complex questions.

"Naruto-kun!" And the blond stopped, seemingly dazed at how fast his seemingly-endless train of thought came to an end.

"What?" He questioned.

"Another question. Please?"

He shrugged. "Shoot."

"How do you feel having so many boys in the house? Are you uncomfortable? Shy? Did being in a mansion with so many men change you at all?"

Naruto scoffed. "Tch, of course not! These guys, before they're my suitors, they're my friends!"

"But how do you react to so much affection and adoration? It'll be hard for me to believe that it doesn't tweak your ego in the slightest..."

Naruto blushed a bit. "What can I say? I've always been one for attention. Even though I never expected this much in like, a kajillion years, I can't say it's totally unwelcome..."

"Hmm..." Ito took note of it. "Well, it's good that you're not sitting here trying to fake modesty? Do you do anything to get extra-attention even now, when you are showered with it?"

"As greedy as it sounds," Naruto sighed. "I just can't get enough of it. All this adoration towards me...it's like a drug."

"Understandable..." Suma continued to write. "Being left without affection as a child could make you starved for it. Don't be ashamed."

"Um...thanks, Suma-san." Naruto smiled a bit shyly.

Suma smiled back, her first real one since she entered the mansion.

"No problem, Naruto-kun."

"Oh!" Naruto looked at the clock. "It seems out time is up."

Suma nodded. "It appears so..."

The two stood up and Naruto stretched.

"Well, you can have some time on your own in here. You know, to deliberate and pick out what we have... though, of course," Naruto grinned. "I'm sure I'm perfectly healthy, eh?"

"Ummm..." Suma stalled.

But she was saved the trouble of answering since all the Semes barged through the door.

"Time's up, hag!" Kiba barked and the other contenders nodded in agreement.

"You've had Naruto in your clutches for long enough!" Sai yelled indignantly. "We're taking him back!"

As the men were practically ripping off the blond's clothes in their hurry to get him out of the room, Suma caught Naruto's pleased smile.

The large doors closed with a resounding 'bang!' and the therapist was left alone with her notes, her silence, and her thoughts.


She emerged from the room and everyone was pleased. Finally, to put all of this to an end!

Sai stood up from a seat and waited for her to approach as Suma did.

"Give it to me straight, doc." Is his smile forced right now? She asked herself. Hm? Yes.

"Sai," she began. "I diagnose you with Dependent Personality Disorder."

"What the hell? Dependent?!"

Suma looked at her notes.

"Ah, you see Sai, Dependent personality disorder is characterized by the need to be taken care of. Those with such a disorder, such as yourself, tend to stick to people in fear losing them."

Sai was flabbergasted! Him? Nu-uh!

"They may become suicidal when a break-up is impending. They incline to let others make essential decisions for them and they often jump from relationship to relationship. Over-sensitivity is common and dependents have the tendency to often feel helpless and depressed."

Sai's Confessional: Not. Me. At. All.

Before Sai could rant off his distaste for his diagnoses, she continued reading.

"Some symptoms of the disorder are: difficulty making decisions, feelings of helplessness when alone, and unable to meet the ordinary demands of life."

"Jeez," Sai pouted. "You make me seem like a loser..."

"Yeah," Suma couldn't help but shrug, in no way denying, "Well..."

"Fuck you."

Afraid that the promiscuous boy would actually hold true to his threat, Suma moved on to the Hyuuga.

"First of all, I'd like to thank you so much for the hair tips, Hyuuga-san! They are so helpful and I'll definitely try out Herbal Essences in the near future."

Itachi's Confessional: Herbal Essences? What the hell? What happened to Garnier Fructis?!

"Mah, mah..." Neji waved away her gratitude. "To get one more horrible head of hair out of public's vision is all the thanks I'll ever need."

A little put off at the comment about her 'horrible head of hair', Suma looked at her notes.

"Hyuuga-san, I'm afraid I have to diagnose you with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder."

"Do not." He responded.

Ignored, just like all the others. "Now, don't get confused everyone. While Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder seems similar in name to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, the two are markedly different. You see, people with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection."

Neji nodded. "It's the only way to live."

"Sometimes," she put emphasis on the word, successfully retrieving Neji's attention, as she deemed her next words a necessary contradicting statement. "Their need to do everything 'right' often interferes with their productivity. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very discerning of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, thinking others to be too inattentive or incapable. They often have difficulty expressing emotion," she finished and let her solid gaze lock with his mystified one.

"You know what..." Neji began, a pale finger to his chin, his eyes wide in contemplation. "I do think I have this Obessessive Compulsive disorder. It really explains a lot..."

Suma, Iruka, and the other Semes were shocked. The first time a contender fell compliant under the therapist's diagnosis. The moment...it sort of felt...


"Um...well," Suma was surprised. "Treatment is simple. Improvement with OCD isn't nearly at all difficult as the other disorders. With casual medication and visits to another," she put forceful emphasis on the word, "shrink, positive results aren't at all far-off."

"Thank you, Ito-san. I'll be sure to use your advice to my advantage."

Suma smiled, happy she would have at least helped one soul in this seemingly never-ending maze of confusion and disaster.

Neji's Confessional: Treatment?! Pssh... Who cares about treatment! Maybe the other's are too dumb to realize it, but I have a fucking dis-order! Kami, I can soooo use this to my advantage.

"I'm so glad I could help, Hyuuga-san!" Suma beamed.

"Oh, believe me, Ito-san, you certainly helped," Neji replied.

Currently beaming like a school girl, Suma instinctively skipped over to Gaara, but when she relaxed her smile to give the next results, she looked down to the paper to see the name, gulped, then she slowly looked up to meet cold, aquamarine eyes.

"Ito," Gaara's cold voice sent shivers up and down her spine and her knees knocked against each other as pure fear rippled through her being.

"K-K-Kazekage-sama..." She whimpered pathetically.

Even though he stood above her decently tall frame by no more than an inch, a towering ivory pedestal seemingly loomed above her.

"My results? I hope to be pleased."

"I hope that you're pleased too..." Suma muttered.

"What was that?" Gaara's glare...It couldn't be simply said that it pierced her, no, because his cold eyes, they rather seemed to stab her through her forehead, repeatedly, with a dull, dull butter knife.

"Nothing!" She meeped, and after a quick mental prayer, she took a deep breath, and began with the results.

"Kazekage-sama, I am afraid, and believe me when I say, afraid, to diagnose you with Antisocial Personality Disorder."

"Antisocial? Of course I'm antisocial. Was this all we spent our ten minutes on? For you to simply repeat what I already know?"

"N-No, Kazekage-sama, Antisocial Personality Disorder. It's an actual mental illness."

"So I'm crazy?" Gaara glared.

"Well, you tried to kill me, Kazekage-sama..." Suma trailed off.

"You talk of it as if you didn't deserve it."

The therapist couldn't help but pout! The injustice!

"Stop wasting my time," Gaara sighed. "Explain the disorder and my symptoms."

"Right..." Suma began. "Well, to clarify your earlier statement, Kazekage-sama, a common misconception about antisocial personailty disorder is that those suffering the disorder have poor social skills. Ironic, that that is near-close to the opposite. Instead, the disorder is outlined by a lack of conscience. Those with such a disorder are apt to criminal conduct, thinking that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials have a tendency to lie and steal, and are often sloppy with money and follow inconstant impulses without considering the consequences. The can be labeled as aggressive and are much more interested in their own desires than the needs of others."

Suma removed her gaze from her diagnoses and locked eyes with Gaara. She quickly turned back to her notes and the sand-nin remained quiet.

"Symptoms of the disorder are: dismissal of others emotions; instinctive and reckless decision-making; a deficiency to properly intake remorse for harm done to others; lying, stealing, other unethical behaviors and neglect safety -- for others and oneself.

"Now, a majority of the criminals in prison are diagnosed with the disorder and treatment is quite difficult, but symptoms usually belittle with age."

Once Suma was done, everyone around the room nodded their heads and mummers of, "That's true!" and "I didn't know there was a disorder for people like that."

Esteemed a bit by the acceptance of her diagnosis to her most fearful patient, the psychiatrist looked to Gaara, expecting to see just the slightest bit of credence in his eyes... but she was disappointed.

"Are you done?" His blank gaze shifted away from her and she could tell she was dismissed.

"Yes, Kazekage-sama."

Her thoughts were elsewhere when she approached the beautiful nin, but as always, Itachi stole her attention with his appearance right away.

"Uchiha-sama, you're diagnosis was expected when you walked into the room, but was confirmed within the first ten seconds of our meeting. I diagnose you with Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

"Narcissism?" Itachi pondered aloud to himself, "Like the ancient greek youth, Narcissus? Hm...I always admired him to an extent. Couldn't help but find similarities with our personalities."

"Yes, perhaps because of the similarities in personality between Narcissius - named after the disorder, and you, Itachi - a Narcissist, you are diagnosed with the personailty disorder." Suma rolled her eyes.

"Though I have a decent gist of the disorder, I'll allow you to clarify to the rest of the group here anyway."

"Psh!" Sai scoffed loudly. "We don't need no clarification. We all already know what's wrong with you."

"Narcissistic personality disorder," she began in hopes of disarming a potentially sinister argument, "...is characterized by self-centeredness and those with the disorder seek constant aid and praise. The disorder is usually found within men and those diagnosed with the disorder are prone to overdoing their achievements, anticipating others to view them as superior. They incline to be particular in selecting friends and partners, as they believe that 'not just anyone' is worthy of being their friend or love interest. Narcissists usually make good first impressions, but have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are uninterested in the concerns of others and are prone to taking advantage of them."

"I don't understand how caring about oneself more than the rest labels me with a mental illness. I'm more beautiful than the rest, so I love myself more than the rest. How does that diagnose me with a personality disorder?" Itachi obviously wasn't pleased about the way he was portrayed.

"And I admit that with one looking like you, Uchiha-san, it is hard not to be a little self-righteous, but I believe that you take you self-centeredness to obscene levels. If anything, you can be described also with a god-complex."

Itachi scoffed and turned his head to the side, pointedly ignoring her, but Suma knew that he would listen to the end of his diagnosis all the same.

"Symptoms include: requiring excessive praise and admiration; manipulative; awing sense of self-importance; lack of empathy; lying (to oneself and others), and obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty. I couldn't help but notice the last symptom as similar with the younger Uchiha brother; their love of daydreaming and fantasizing. I wish I could come up with a confirmed answer to the spot, but I'll have to settle with the theory that it is hereditary."

Both of the Uchihas pouted unhappily at the simple suggestion they have even more in common then what they are forced to.

Sasuke and Itachi's Confessional: Godddamit...

"And to the last..." Suma trailed off as she walked towards Naruto who was squeezed quite possessively in-between Neji and Kiba.

"Uzumaki Naruto, I diagnose you with Histronic Personality Disorder."

Naruto pouted. "I'm crazy too? Aww man..."

"People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers, Naruto-kun. They demand to be the center of attention all the time, and often interrupt others in order to dominate the conversation. They use baffling language (in your case, cursing), to describe everyday events. They may dress differently from others, like your orange, or exaggerate to get attention. Histrionics also tend to overstate how they are perceived by others, believing everyone views them in a positive light."

"Shit, it's true, totally true...I'm crazy!" Naruto whimpered.

"If it makes you feel any better all the men here have been diagnosed with disorders too," Suma said and Shikamaru coughed. "Expect Nara-san."

"Hm..." Naruto pondered a bit. "That does make me feel a bit better."

"That's good." Suma smiled.

"Well thank you, Ito-san," Iruka cut in, "I guess you can take your leave, for certain this time."

Suma smiled, gathered her things and left, but not before handing Naruto her observation notes. He could read it all there and make his decision.

She left, and after she did, Naruto only glanced at the disorders, just browsed through them quickly, before he stood up and dumped them in a nearby trash can.

"Elimination time." He stated nonchalantly, but inside his insides were churning as he remembered back to what Iruka showed him in the control room.

"Really," Shikamaru was a bit stunned. "You barely looked through them!"

"I've already made a decision," he replied, and then everyone was back in the Elimination Room.


How those Genin were able to get into the room and set it up without the others knowledge was baffling, but the suitors paid little mind to how those tiny tricksters did what they did anymore.

What they were more focused on was why Naruto seemed so ready to Eliminate. The last time he called for a speedy elimination was with Kankuro, and everyone knew that wasn't pretty.

Across the Elimination Room next to the other set of doors that led to the exit, the Semes could see that all their bags were packed and labeled. Wow, Naruto really wanted someone gone and he probably knew who that was for a good couple of hours. And to think he had that cherry disposition on all that time...

Everyone was in their usual positions and Naruto was across from the Semes beside the ramen cup-topped table. The Elimination Ceremony began.

The first cup was distributed, "Hatake Kakashi."

Kakashi's Confessional: Hell yeah!

A kiss to the cheek was what Naruto received and, as always, he blushed.

"Hyuuga Neji." The boy strolled up to Naruto with long graceful steps and accepted his cup graciously.

"Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasuke's Confessional: Score! Called before Aniki! Thank you, Naruto-chan.

The ramen cups were easily vanishing as Gaara, Itachi, Shino, and Neji were selected.

Kiba and Sai were in the bottom two and only one cup was on the table.

"As you can see, we are down to our final two." Naruto informed.

Naruto turned to the dog boy. "Kiba, as you know, this is your first time in the bottom two."

Kiba's Confessional: No shit! Why am I here, Naruto?!

"Kiba, during your time with Ito-san, you had some tantrums..."

"What the hell? At least I didn't try to kill her! Why the hell isn't Gaara down here?" Kiba barked.

"Because Gaara is learning." Naruto said patiently as if talking to a one-year-old. "He's trying very hard to adapt to a mansion full of men which I'm sure he doesn't like. He's trying and Ito just said something to make him...slip..."

"She was asking me a bunch of bullshit questions too, Naruto!" Kiba knew that this was very, very unfair.

Shino turned to look at his roommate, the Kazekage.

Shino's Confessional: What did Gaara do...what did Gaara do that has Naruto so wrapped around his finger?

"Besides," Naruto sent a comforting smile towards Gaara, "I'm sure he wasn't going to really kill her, right Gaara?"

"Ummm...no?" Gaara lied and his answer was rewarded by a blinding smile from Naruto.

"I'm pissed." Kiba stated flatly. "I'm totally pissed."

"I'm sorry, Kiba. Don't be mad with me," Naruto tried to pout his way out of it, but Kiba wasn't biting the bait. Inuzuka crossed his arms over his chest and turned away.

"Well, Sai," Naruto turned to Sai and his blue gaze hardened. "Is there anything you want to share with me, before I make my decision?"

"Ummm...no?" Sai lied and his answer was rewarded by a heartless scowl from Naruto.

Sai's Confessional: Hm? (sarcasm) Gaara and I? I wonder who he prefers?

"Have you been engaging in any activities in this mansion that you would like to share?" Naruto's eyes were ice blue.

Sai shook his head.

"Where'd you get a web cam, Sai?"

Sai's Confessional: Fuck...

"I...um...you see, Naruto..." Sai was such a bad liar.

"Oh yes, Sai! I did see. I saw you on Adult FriendFinder, Sai. You were broadcasting weekly strip teases in Bedroom 3 and telling everyone nasty things you wanted to do to me. You demonstrated with chili dolls and everything!" Naruto shook his head, dsigusted, and by the end of his speech, he was obviously upset.

"Holy shit!!" Neji and Sasuke yelled simultaneously. "In our room, dude?!"

"It-It was an outlet!" Sai attempted to defend himself. "Neji and Sasuke don't talk at all! I was lonely..."

"Goddamit...you could have talked to me, Sai. But you were more interested in the company of forty-five-year-old men than me! You're such a whore. You'll never change!" Naruto angrily threw the final cup to Kiba, who caught it happily, and then the blond crossed his arms over his chest.

"What?! So I'm eliminated now? Whatever! I don't even care. You're so not worth it! You totally missed out on a good fuck!"

Naruto growled. He was getting really pissed.

"Ah, Naruto-kun!" Sai dropped his tough facade and began to beg. "Never mind what I said! I'm sorry! Please don't kick me out! Remember my dependent personality disorder?! I'll die without you!"

For one of the first times in his life, Naruto wasn't buying it. "No. I'll have Tsunade put you on suicide watch. I don't want to see you anymore."

"Baby, I can change!" Sai called out as he was being dragged through the doors by several large-built body guards.

Sayonara Sai...

"Well," Kakashi pulled out his book. "This was all very interesting..."

"Yeah," Kiba agreed. "But I'm starving. It's time for dinner right?"

The rest of the men nodded as they rubbed their bellies and pouted.

"Alright!" Naruto grinned. "The maids already prepared supper! Guess what it is?"

The men looked on questioningly.

"Ramen!" Naruto beamed.

The Semes faces scrunched up in distaste and Iruka went red, "Naruto!"

Naruto put both hands up in mock defense, "Mah, mah...kidding, Iru-sensei, kidding!"

As they all walked away to the dining area, Naruto smiled, content.

I think that this competition will run smoothly from now on...maybe I can find true love yet...


After dinner, the men lounged around in the dining room and their eyelids grew heavy. After such a day and dinner, they were undoubtedly prepared for bed.

Just as Naruto was prepared to dismiss his suitors to bed, a distressed maid rushed in.

"Uzumaki-sama, Uzumaki-sama! You won't believe who's here! We don't know how he got in, but he did and he demands to see you! What should we--"

Yet before the group could gather their thoughts a familiar being walked in.

Sound uniform and headband...

Silver hair...

Circular glasses...

Evil smirk...



myinukoi: Yeah, he's back! I was editing some old chapters to The Ukette just as I was prepared to finish this one and I thought, "Lemme bring Kabuto back!". He was the only one not "officially" eliminated, so I thought it would make an interesting chapter 10.

Well, October 7. I made my goal of the previous chapter to have chapter 9 up by the end of September or early October. I think mid-October doesn't come until the fifteenth...my opinion!

Well, I liked this chapter more than the last. I have to say I am happy with it. The new season of I Love New York and America's Most Smartest Model (Did you know I'm a sucker for reality television? No? Well, I am! So much so, that I wrote a long-ass fic based on The Bachelorette, you see...) are premiering tonight, so I should have tons on inspiration. More so than I did over the summer.

Okay, so don't freak out about this next goal, because I'm aiming to have the next chapter up by mid-November to early December. You have to remember that not only am I a highschool student trying to maintain nothing less than a 3.8. and I'm doing two clubs. Pain in the ass, I'm telling you. I live for the weekends... Also, keep in mind that I'm still meaning to update four other fics before this one so a bit patience is always appreciated, alright?

So, lemme see, 10, 752 words for a 10 worded review? Hmm...in my opinion, I think you guys are getting a pretty good deal here. Don't try to cheat me out of it.