AN - This is my entry to the MCBC Dirty Little Secrets contest. I have been toying with the idea of posting this here for a few weeks now, and I have finally caved.

Apologies to fan clubbers...all of them, heh. So please don't flame +flutters eyelashes+.

It is supposed to be humorous and it is a tiny bit confusing, but I am willing to answer any and all questions...Including "How could you!" :)

Review and tell me what you think

Enjoy ;)

Muahaha

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Clandestine

You don't know what it's like, do you? To love someone and to know that it can't possibly go anywhere. Well, I do. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

"Are you even listening to me?"

Oh, that voice is enough to drive a person mad. Deep and sensuous, it is exactly the kind that you want to hear saying your name.

I turned my head around to face him. Nothing compliments him more than moonlight does. He really is a masterpiece. Everything is perfect, from his long, muscular legs to his perfect face. Carved by the hands of angels, I would say if I were religious. But I'm not, so I won't.

"You asked me here," he reminded me. "Yet you have not spoken a word since I arrived."

I smiled. Of course I had invited him here, but not to hear his voice. How could I see him otherwise? He is always around her. The girl who stole him from me. What a whore.

"Oh, Jesse," I laughed. "Words are meaningless."

He looked at me in confusion, and let me tell you...it is an emotion that suits him well. I love the way that his eyebrows knit together and his lips twist slightly as if they are fighting back inappropriate words. I would love it if he were to speak them, yet I doubted that they were the inappropriate words that I so longed to hear. Jesse de Silva is not like that. And if he were to speak those words, they would be for her ears only.

I tried to split them up. I may have even given him the mistaken impression that I hated him. But everything I did was for him. Everything. Because when you are in love, you stop at nothing to get the one you want.

"I could take her away from you, you know that?" I said, my voice becoming hard. Why was I always so mean to him? Why could I not just accept the fact that he is perfectly happy with someone else?

Maybe because I am not like that. I never give in, it's not in my nature.

He glared at me again. He is so sexy when he is angry. Maybe I should threaten her more often, just to see that look. He lifted a hand and ran it through his silky black hair. I felt like reaching over and running my hands through it, but he would never speak to me again if I did.

Without hesitation, he leaned across the diner table and waved a long, brown finger in my face. I felt like leaning forward and biting it playfully, but managed to restrain myself. The things he makes me want to do.

"If you so much as-" He started, but I cut him off by laughing hysterically.

"Oh, knock it off, Jesse," I interrupted. "You know I'd never hurt her. I just love seeing your reaction."

I guess that my laughter had really annoyed him because he pushed back his flimsy plastic chair and stormed out of the restaurant.

I did watch him leave. It's disgusting really, that I have to resort to leering at him like this. If he would just give me the chance I don't deserve, he would see how good I would treat him..

I sat there, staring at the empty space that Jesse had occupied not a moment before. Why was I even here? I hate fast food restaurants, and this one only reinforced my feelings. I doubted that the place had ever been cleaned. The red tiles bordering the wall were cracked and brown around the edges. The wallpaper was stained in so many places that it was no longer possible to determine its original colour. And then there were the staff with their colourful clothes and fake smiles. It made me sick. But if these were the lengths I had to go to to see the love of my life, then so be it.

But it was kind of ironic. Like I was sitting in a sort of metaphorical hell. Maybe I was in hell. I saw this film once where this guy was killed in Vietnam but he was unable to let go of his life so he was trapped in some sort of limbo until he could finally accept the fact that he was dead. Kind of like how I feel about Jesse. I can't let him go, no matter how hard I try. And I will never be able to accept the fact that we can't be together.

Sometimes I think that hell would be a nicer place than this.

I pushed my own chair back and took off after him, not even bothering to leave a tip. It was now or never.

The torrential downpour had not ceased. The rain came down so hard that it almost hurt and it soaked through my clothes in a matter of seconds. I thought about pulling the hood of my jacket up but there was no point; my hair was already soaked.

"Jesse!" I yelled, darting into the back alley he had turned in to. "Wait!"

In the narrow alleyway, the sound of the rain drops thudding against the lids of the garbage cans seemed almost deafening. I ws surprised that he heard me.

Jesse spun around to face me, his anger showing in his expression.

"Why do you do this?" he demanded, his voice almost drowned out by the racket the rain was creating. "You are no longer part of my life. We washed our hands of you for good."

I pretended to look hurt, but he did not react. Jeez, this guy is hard to get through to. The puppy-dog eyes always worked for her.

"I never meant to hurt you," I admitted, closing my eyes. I still hate apologising. "I never meant to hurt either of you. It was a stupid, stupid mistake. I'm sorry."

I must have looked genuinely upset because he placed one of his large, strong hands on my shoulder. It was a cold night, and this warmed me like nothing ever could. I always loved the feel of his hands on my body, even though they were usually leaving bruises in the most awkwards places. But no matter how much he battered me, I would never fall out of love with him. I provoked all of the violence. I guess that in some sick, twisted way, I liked him being rough with me. Except it was never in the desired way.

"Then prove it," he dared me.

He should not have asked me to do that.

He looked so handsome right then. The rain had plastered his hair down and it curled in a very sexy way against his forehead. Tiny droplets of water clung to those long eyelashes, making his eyes seem deeper than usual. His lips, moistened by the rain, were parted slightly in an almost inviting way.

I don't know why I placed one of my hands on his cheek. But he did not attempt to push it away, even as I traced his bottom lip with my thumb. So I assumed that he liked it.

Which is why I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. He was unresponsive until the shock of being kissed settled in. Then...he started to kiss me back!

The pain that had seized my heart the moment I fell in love with him was suddenly alleviated. Every doubt in my mind was banished by the gentle caress of his lips.

We were both soaked, but he didn't seem to mind and as long as he was kissing me like this, I sure as hell didn't care, either. I could taste the rainwater on his lips and the Pepsi he had drank in the restaurant. It's strange, because I never really thought much of Pepsi before now.

He pulled away from me after a while, breathing heavily. His forehead rested gently against mine. I could feel his breath against my lips.

"Why did you..." I gasped, finding breathing extremely difficult. My whole body was tingling. "Why did you...kiss me back?"

His head moved sideways and it did not stop until his lips brushed against the skin next to my ear. My ears involuntarily closed.

"I don't know," he admitted. I heard him swallow. "It was wrong."

I pressed a hand against his hard chest to push him away, but he wouldn't budge. How dare he? How dare he play with my feelings like this!

"Get off of me you no-good piece of-" I started, but he pressed a finger against my lips and pulled his head back so that he could look me in the eye.

"It was wrong," he repeated. "But it felt so right."

I wanted to remove my hand from his chest, but I couldn't.

My body began to tingle again as his lips gently kissed the area around my mouth. It was driving me insane. I hope that girl of his realises how lucky she is.

"Will this ever happen again?" I asked, my lips hovering dangerously close to his. I placed a light kiss on them after I spoke.

"Maybe," he replied. "But whatever happens, we can't tell...we can never tell. She can never find out. This has to be a secret."

"Our secret," I agreed, smirking. Our dirty little secret.

He gave me one last kiss before walking off. The water was dripping off his clothes. He turned back towards me before he left and smiled.

"Do you love me?" He asked, unable to conceal his smile.

"I love you, Jesse!" I shouted.

He did not reply. He just walked off, leaving me to suffer silently in the aftermath of our clandestine kiss. I ran a hand through my drenched hair as I caught my breath.

Then, a voice broke through the silence.

"See you around, Paul!"

I smiled. Maybe that kiss wasn't a one-off...maybe it was. But it doesn't change the fact that I love him. It was always him. She never came into the picture. I wanted her to let him go so that he could be with me, not so that I could get into her pants.

Because the truth is, Susannah...

You were never the one I loved.