Title: Female Shinigamis on Crack (Part III)
Author: ficeler37
Note: Don't own Bleach. If I do, Soi Fon and Yoruichi will get more screen time.
Rating: PG
Word count: 1703

Summary: What do drunk female shinigamis talk about when they become hostesses for one crazy night?

A/N: I've had this idea since I wrote Ch. 2 a while back, but didn't get around to writing it until now. I feel bad that Yoruichi won't be making an appearance in this chapter. Well, I promise that she'll show up in the next part. After watching Soi Fon in the Bounto arc, I couldn't help but write about the newly uncovered ability of Suzumebachi, hehe. Hope everyone will get a good laugh out of this!

Shortly after Female Shinigami Organization's (FSO) annual recreational trip to the human world comes Seireitei's community service week. Last year, following the suggestion of Yachiru, organizer of that year, all FSO members were asked to sweep the streets of Rukongai for a day and watch out for little bells on the side of the street. It was later rumored that Kenpachi taichou couldn't stop scratching his head for almost a month following the street sweeping event. Coincidence much?

Even though this year's organizer Isane puked her guts out at the Ginza Host Club, thanks to the 4th Division's secret medicine (see Ch. 1), she managed to function like a perfectly sober person without hangovers the next morning. Having lost all unpleasant memories of her beloved taichou's flirtatious behavior due to her drunkenness, Isane's obsession with the Host Club carried through to the next FSO meeting. With the support of over half of the FSO members, it was decided that this year's community service project would be a one-night only Hostess Club open to all shinigamis in Seireitei. But due to the unexpected insistence of Soi Fon taichou, friends of shinigamis are also allowed to attend the event in the end.

Some FSO members had legitimate work excuses which prevented them from participating in this event. As a result, only five female shinigamis were free to serve as hostesses on that night. In order to satisfy the different tastes of the Hostess Club visitors, each FSO hostess was assigned a different set of attire. The final dress code was listed as follows:

Soi Fon – traditional Japanese kimono-clad lady (wooden fan included)

Rangiku – lingerie model (boa included)

Yachiru – gothic lolita (parasol included)

Nanao – policewoman (handcuffs included)

Isane – high school uniform-clad student (backpack included)

Now, let us fastforward to the First Annual Hostess Club Night held at the FSO headquarter!

The first group of visitors arrives at the club. They are 2nd Division lieutenant Ohmaeda, 8th Division taichou Shunsui and 11th Division taichou Kenpachi.

Ohmaeda: Soi Fon taichou is supposed to be a hostess tonight, right? I'd like her to be my hostess then. (chews on biscuits greedily) (whispers to self) All those days of barking orders at me … tonight is my chance to show everyone who is the real man in the 2nd division.

Shunsui: Where is my adorable Nanao-chan? (looks around and spots his lieutenant in a police uniform) Sweet jesus, oh mama, I've been bad …

Kenpachi: Oi, Yachiru! I got your scribble, now show yourself. You know I don't like to play hide and seek.

On a side note, here is the above mentioned scribble:

Ken-chan. Meet me at the Hostess Club tonight at 7 pm. Got stuff to kill. Love, Yachiru.

All five hostesses walk out to greet the visitors.

The hostesses: Welcome. Would you like to specify a hostess tonight?

Ohmaeda: (picks his nose) I guess I'll take taichou. Gotta show some support for the 2nd Division. (fake smile) Tonight you'll be taking orders from me, your bitch.

Soi Fon: Fine, follow me. (icy glare)

Ohmaeda: (stands up straight immediately) Hai, taichou! Shit, old habits die hard. But after tonight, mwa ha ha ha …


Shunsui: Nanao looks so nice tonight. Is it a crime if I'd like to have a drink with you? (wink)

Nanao: Silence. Keep your hands where I can see them. (walks away briskly)

Shunsui: (wide eyed) Could this be the legendary role-playing? ME LIKEY!


Yachiru: Ken-chan! Do you like my outfit? (spins around)

Kenpachi: (ignores question) What are we killing tonight? Are you going to poke someone's eyes out with that umbrella?

Yachiru: (climbs on Kenpachi's back skillfully) Isane said it's called a parasol! Ken-chan, go east!

Kenpachi turns to the right and smash his zanpakutou against the wall, leaving behind a big hole. Kenpachi and Yachiru jump through the opening and disappear from sight.

Isane: (yells out the hole) Yachiru! Where are you going? You're supposed to be hosting!

Rangiku: Oh yea, Soi Fon said not to worry if Yachiru runs off suddenly. She's on a mission apparently. (shrugs shoulders)

Isane: (sigh) Why did I spend so much time dressing her up then if she's just going on a killing spree with Kenpachi taichou?

Table 1 – Soi Fon Vs Ohmaeda

Soi Fon: Sit down. (folds kimono sleeves elegantly before sitting down)

Ohmaeda: Hai … Shit, I'm doing it again. (cough) Why don't you pour …

A cup of sake was poured at the speed of light while Ohmaeda was still talking.

Soi Fon: Drink. (slides the cup across the table)

Ohmaeda: What hostess has this kind of manner? Uhm, thank you. Hostesses are supposed to entertain their guests, right? Sing something. (takes a big gulp of sake)

Soi Fon: (smiles sweetly) Sure. (flips open her wooden fan) Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi.

Enters eerie music. Soi Fon places the fan strategically in front of her signature weapon that is now materializing on her hand.

Ohmaeda: Am I hearing this correctly? Taichou is really going to sing? Oh, hell ya! I'm so going to brag about this to the guys in our division tomorrow. (takes another gulp)

Soi Fon: Let me refill your drink for you. (yet another sweet smile)

Using her kimono sleeves as a shield, Soi Fon pours more sake into the cup and dips the tip of her hornet sting into the drink in the most discreet manner.

Soi Fon: Before I perform, why don't we have a toast first? (pours herself a drink and raises the cup) May glory befall the 2nd Division and Kaigun.

Ohmaeda: (raises his cup at equal height) Yea, glory to us!

Soi Fon and Ohmaeda both finish their sake in one go.

Three seconds later, a loud growl comes out of Ohmaeda's stomach.

Soi Fon: Something wrong, Ohmaeda?

Ohmaeda: Bathroom! Where? (gasps)

Sweat drops are rushing out of Ohmaeda's temples as he desperately tries to hold everything in.

Soi Fon: You're at the FSO headquarter. Do you really think that there will be a men's bathroom here? (condescending smirk)

Ohmaeda: YOU BITCH! (Uncontrollable eyebrow twitches) Excuse me, taichou.

Ohmaeda runs out of the hostess club with his hands covering his burning anus. Soi Fon pours herself another cup of sake calmly.

Soi Fon: Intriguing … Who knew laxatives could bring out his hidden shunpo talent?

Soi Fon O Ohmaeda X

Table 2 – Nanao Vs Shunsui

Shunsui: (wraps his arm around Nanao's shoulders) Nanao-chan looks so cute tonight. Sit down and have a drink with me!

Nanao: Stay focus. Play along. Remember, you have a mission tonight. Being in the law enforcement prohibits me from drinking while on duty. How about I pour you some wine? (brings out an ice bucket from behind the sofa)

Shunsui: Oooh, Chardonnay. Classy. I don't mind cutting down on the sake for one night. Wow, Nanao-chan didn't slap my arm away as usual. Score! I bet her strong sense of responsibility and work ethics really transformed her into a true hostess tonight.

Nanao: Moment of truth. From what I remember, the girls in Ginza Host Club would bend down like this …

As Nanao leans over the table to take out the bottle of wine, the beauty with glasses is paying extra attention to her butt placement, intending to maximize the seduction effect.

Shunsui: (eyes light up) No man can resist this … (drools)

Before Shunsui's hand can reach its desired destination, Nanao springs out her handcuffs and ties Shunsui's wandering hand to the corner of the table, which is conveniently glued to the floor.

Shunsui: What the … (sweat drop)

Nanao: Mission accomplished. You are under arrest for attempting to sexually harass a police officer. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

While Shunsui is still mentally scratching his head, Nanao grabs his head and shoves it into the freezing ice bucket.

Shunsui chokes and generates unpleasant incomprehensible swear words.

Nanao lifts Shunsui's head from the ice bucket roughly.

Nanao: (creepily calm voice) Now answer me. Where were you two nights ago when we were supposed to have a divisional meeting?

Shunsui: (struggles to control his coughs) Nanao-chan, I know you're into your cosplay and all. But can you break out of character for now? I'm having trouble bre…

Nanao shoves Shunsui's head into the ice bucket once again to cut him off.

Nanao: Please answer my question. If the criminals on police TV drama series can withstand a little police interrogation, I'm sure taichou will live.

Shunsui: (coughs like a madman) Okay, okay! I went drinking with some shinigamis new recruits from the 4th Division.

Nanao: Oh, I see. So it's more important to go out drinking with cute girls than discussing the disciplinary issues in our division. (crosses appear on forehead)

From underneath the sofa, Nanao retrieves a sledge hammer and an extra thin notebook. She smiles sweetly at the trapped Shunsui after taking a couple practice swings in the air.

Shunsui: (horrific stare) Are you trying to murder me on the spot?

Nanao reaches down to her feet again, but this time, she takes out a monstrous pile of official documents with the words 7th Division printed neatly on top in big bold letters.

Nanao: I tell you what. (puts a pen down on the table) For each document you sign, I'm going to put it in the thin notebook. In other words, the more work you do, the less pain you'll feel afterwards when you get hit by the hammer …

Shunsui: (teary eyes) Is there a third option that doesn't involve the hammer?

Nanao: (eyes closed in deep thought) The suspects on TV last night seemed to respond well to stun guns …

Shunsui: AHHH! I'll start signing the papers right away!

Positioning himself awkwardly on the floor, Shunsui buries himself in the never-ending amount of papers, knowing that as soon as his hand stops moving, the sledge hammer will be coming for him.

Nanao fixates her gaze on her infamous runaway taichou, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose every five seconds.

Nanao O Shunsui X

The night is still young …



Next up – Table 3 – Rangiku Vs Orihime

Table 4 – Isane Vs Unohana

Table 1 – Soi Fon Vs Shuuhei

Table 1 – Soi Fon Vs Yoruichi