Eomer's Horrible, No-Good, Rotten, Very Bad Day

Disclaimer: "It's all fun and games until some kittens get blended."

Eomer was happy. He'd decided that he'd been spending too much time with his men lately, and that he needed to spend more time being a proper big brother to his sister, just like the self-help books he'd been reading had said. So this morning, barely dawn and way before the courts would be used by anyone else, he was going to surprise his little sister by offering to help her practice her fencing. Yes, that was a good idea indeed.

He didn't bother to knock before entering his sister's rooms...she was his little sister, and she wouldn't mind. He grinned as he pictured how happy she'd be when she saw his surprise. He threw open the door to Eowyn's bedroom, grinning like mad as he saw...oh, shit. His sister was in her bed...but so was someone else. A certain greasy-haired, fishbelly-skinned someone else.

"GRIMA!" he roared, outraged. "YOU FILTHY PERVERT!" He strode over to the bed and yanked the man out by the collar of his nightshirt. Eowyn immediately leapt to her feet, wrapping the sheet around her like a toga.

With one hand holding on to Grima, Eomer readied the other to beat the man to a greasy pulp. "You defiled my sister, you bastard! I should kill you for this!" Grima, Eomer's hand crushing his throat, was unable to do anything but wheeze as he slowly turned blue.

Suddenly, Eomer found a cold steel blade pressed against his jugular. At the other end of the sword was Eowyn. "Put. Him. Down," she hissed, pressing harder. Eomer dropped Grima, who gasped hoarsely for air.

Eomer turned on his sister. "How could you defile our family name so? You...him...yech! You're too young to be having..." Eomer couldn't bring himself to say it. "Relations with a man. He could take advantage of you!"

"Not bloody likely," Grima muttered from the floor, but Eomer ignored him.

"I'll have...relations...with whomever I want! Besides, it's not like you haven't bedded half the whores in Edoras!"

"That's different!"

"How so? It's just like when we were kids! You always got treated differently!"

"So? I'm a man!"

"And just because you have a prick, that makes you lord and master of the universe?"

"Well, yes!"

"Ugh! You chauvinist bastard!"

"I'm not a bastard!" He didn't know what chauvinist meant. "And I know it's not your fault, not really. He tricked you into his bed."

Eowyn glowered, her eyes flashing anger. She strode over to Grima, helped him to his feet, and pulled him to her with a searing kiss. Then Eowyn looked pointedly at Eomer. "I came willingly to his bed, and he to mine."

Eomer glared at Grima. "Oh, I can see he came to your bed...Dear sister, he has seduced you!"

"Eomer, get this through your thick head. I. Seduced. Him."

WHUMP! Eomer was down for the count, passed out on the floor.

Eomer awoke to find Eowyn and Grima making out against the wall, still in their nightclothes. Eomer growled, separating the two and dragging them through the corridors to Theoden's chambers. Hearing the clatter, Theoden, clad in a dressing gown and fuzzy slippers, opened the door and gave Eomer an evil look.

"What in the blazes is going on that you thought it a good idea to awaken me? I was having a dream where Miss October was giving me a bubble bath!"

Eomer, Eowyn, and Grima winced simultaneously at the mental image. Eomer spoke first. "He defiled my sister!" Eomer said, glaring at Grima as he caught the smaller man in a headlock, his elbow pressing against Grima's jugular.

"Oh, shut up, Eomer. And let go of Grima, for heaven's sake."


"Now," Theoden commanded, then turned to Grima. "I would ask your intentions toward my sister-daughter, but they are already quite clear." He chuckled.

Eomer growled. "But...he defiled her!"

Eowyn glared, whapping him upside the head. "As I already said, dear brother, it was I who seduced him. He, being a gentleman, let me set the pace, and when I felt it right, I went willingly and eagerly to his bed."

Eomer stuck his fingers in his ears. "Lalala! I can't hear you! Not listening!"

Eowyn sighed, shaking her head. Then, looking lustily at Grima, she grinned.

"Well...since we're already awake..." She licked her lips.

Grima grinned. Eomer just groaned. Grima stuck his tongue out at Eomer.

"Now, now," Eowyn chided. "Save that for the bedroom, lover."

Eomer tried to run, but slipped and hit his head. Theoden sighed. "Would someone go fetch a jug of cold water to pour over my idiot nephew's head?"

Eowyn handed him an ewer of water from the washstand and poured it over her brother's head, then she and Grima left. Eomer came to, sobbing quietly.

"Leader of the Mark my wrinkled old arse!" Theoden thundered at Eomer. "You are henceforth demoted!" Eomer curled into the foetal position, whimpering. "Oh, shove it! With people like you, no wonder other countries think we're rednecks!"

In her bedroom, Eowyn heard her brother's shriek and sighed.

"You know, I almost feel sorry for him...almost," Grima said, grinning ear to ear.

"He had it coming."

"Of course he did." Grima chuckled.

"Oh, hush." Eowyn's eyes sparkled merrily. "I'm allowed to insult him...I'm his sister. You're not family...yet."

"Yet? That means..."

"Of course it does," she purred. "Besides, we need to time the wedding announcement so it causes Eomer the most torture."

"Oh, but of course."

Eowyn trailed her fingers down his chest. "And what with Theodred's untimely death from choking on his own spew after a night of drunken revelry...and since my dear uncle isn't daft enough to think that Eomer could possibly rule Rohan..."

"My queen," he breathed rapturously.

"My consort." She smirked. "As your queen, I command you to kiss me."

He laughed. "As my lady demands." She giggled, and he laughed as he tackled her to the bed, making her gasp in surprise as things got quite a bit more...heated.

Meanwhile, in a padded room in the dungeons, Eomer, still curled up in the foetal position, rocked back and forth, screaming. "Sister...having...sex...must...bleach...brain!"

Theoden quaffed another ale as he spoke to himself, still in a ratty old robe and slippers. "Queen Eowyn of Rohan...good. As soon as she and Grima get hitched, I'm quitting this gig. Time for me to lounge around and be waited on by lusty, lovely, nubile maidens! Yes...lovely maidens in tight leather...and I can finally be as much of a senile, dirty old coot as I want!" He laughed to himself. "Yesss..."