A/N: Ahhh, I couldn't resist. Contains spoilers for Saiyuki Reload tankoubon 7.
Up for Bid
A parody fic by Veszelyite
DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em. Not making any money off of 'em. Just fooling around for fun and not for profit.
"Hello! Thank you all for coming to the first annual Biseinen Celebrity Auction!" The tall woman standing at the podium had a very satisfied expression on her face as her gaze swept the standing-room-only village square. "We have an excellent collection for your bidding pleasure this afternoon, popular biseinen who are down on their luck and are in serious need of some cash. My name is Veszelyite, and I am pleased to be your hostess for today's event."
As the crowd of fangirls packed into the square hushed expectantly, the auctioneer adjusted her microphone and continued. "First, I must review a few rules. Bids are being placed for contracts of one month of indentured service, after which, the biseinen in question is released from all further obligation. Serious bidders only, please! I also must stress that payment in advance is required. Now, without further ado, we will open the floor with our first subject, from the Minekura Kazuya series "Saiyuki", Cho Hakkai!"
Amid thunderous cheers and wolf whistles from the crowd, Hakkai made his way up the wooden stairs below the podium. His expression was mild, but the green eyes were glinting dangerously as he stopped in the center of the wooden platform, folding his arms over the front of his green tunic. "Is all this really necessary?" he pointedly asked the fanfic author…er, auctioneer.
The woman shrugged. "Hey, this was your idea originally, not mine."
"It was meant to be a joke."
The auctioneer only smiled. "Ah, but your statement about having to sell yourself into slavery is canon now. You've got to expect that fans would want to have a little fun."
Hakkai shook his head with an irritated sigh. In an undertone, he muttered, "I just knew I shouldn't have let Minekura-sensei bribe me into keeping that part in the script…."
The auctioneer smirked a little and turned back to the crowd. "Cho Hakkai would be an excellent acquisition for any fangirl's household. He cooks, he cleans, he even takes out the garbage! As a bonus, he also comes with his own transportation!" At this, Jeep peeked his head over Hakkai's shoulder, and surveyed the huge audience with a dismayed little "Kyuu!".
"For a contract of one month, let us start the bidding at 60,000 yen. Do I hear 60,000?"
The crowd went wild with a flurry of bidding. The price shot up to 600,000 yen in a matter of seconds. Hakkai looked faintly gratified. If he had to be subjected to this indignity, it seemed at least that he would be well compensated for it.
The auctioneer raised her hands and her voice over the eager buzz of the crowd. "I must repeat, serious bidders only! And remember! This is not a purchase you should undertake lightly! Remember who you're bidding on here—if you take advantage or mis-treat this individual, he is certain to quietly and politely make your life a living hell. Just ask any one of his friends!"
"Ah hah hah. Really."
"700,000 yen!" cried a familiar female voice from the audience.
Hakkai tracked the voice with some astonishment. "Yaone-san? You're bidding?"
She smiled. "My room and board at Houtou Castle are free. I never buy any new clothes. What else is there to do with the salary I get for being Kougaiji-sama's lackey?"
"700,000 yen. Do I hear 800,000?"
A severed arm waved in the back. "I'll make that 900,000."
The autioneer's gaze swiveled to Chin Isou. "I'm sorry," she said, in a not-very-apologetic tone. "Characters who have been killed by the individual during the course of the regular series are not allowed to bid. House rules. I'm afraid you're disqualified on two counts."
As the disgruntled youkai fortune-teller left the square, he brushed past two kami on his way. The grey-haired one pursed his lips. "I guess that leaves me out as well. How unfortunate." Shien rather regretfully replaced the handles of his whips in the sash of his robe. "All right, Zenon, we might as well go."
As a handful of youkai who had been lurking in the crowd also took the opportunity to vacate the premises, the fangirls resumed the lively bidding. While the auctioneer was distracted taking bids, two people pushed their way through the crowd to the base of the platform. "Hakkai! You don't have to do this!" Gojyo exclaimed.
A dark eyebrow arched up. "Oh really? It's a little late for you to say so. If you'd decided to get an honest job when I'd asked…."
"We're sorry!" Goku insisted, clasping his hands in front of his face. "Please come down from there, we promise we'll work really hard from now on!"
Hakkai smiled a little at the sincerity in Goku's voice. "I'm sorry, but since Sanzo left, we don't have any money for food, or even a place to sleep tonight. This really is the only way to raise money on such short notice. Besides which, I've already signed the contract, so there's no turning back, I'm afraid."
"Two million yen."
The crowd of fangirls gasped collectively at the large sum, and fell back from the man who had spoken with such measured authority. The man seemed oblivious to the excited murmuring that swept up around him. He walked forward to the base of the platform, calmly reaching into the sleeve of his robe for a cigarette. Gojyo and Goku stared at him in shock, and even Hakkai looked surprised. "Sanzo!"
The auctioneer looked smug. "Excellent. We have a bid of two million yen. Would anyone care to go higher? Do I hear two and a half?"
"Sanzo," Hakkai murmured to the monk in alarm, "Just what do you think you're doing?"
Sanzo blew out a breath of smoke. "Bidding. I would have thought that much was obvious."
"That's hardly fair," Hakkai protested. "I'm only doing this because you left and we didn't have any money to buy supplies!"
"So? What's your point?"
"Do I hear two and a half million yen? Two and a half? How about two point one? No? I think we may have a winner…."
Sanzo flashed his gold card up at the podium. "Do you take credit?"
The auctioneer responded with a broad smile. "But of course." She raised her gavel. "Going once. Going twice…." The gavel came down with resounding finality. "Sold!" the auctioneer crowed, "To the owner of the Maten Sutra! Thank you, Genjo Sanzo-sama. Please come around to the side of the platform to settle your account and claim your prize."
Hakkai sweatdropped. "Sanzo, I sincerely doubt that the Sanbutsushin will approve of this particular use of temple funds…."
"Shut up, Hakkai," Sanzo said, as the auctioneer gestured for them to step to the side. "I own your ass now, so I don't want to hear any more smart remarks out of you."
"Ah. Hah hah. Of course not. Well, then. It should be an interesting month."
"Next biseinen up for bid, we have Tokitoh Minoru, of the Minekura Kazuya series "Wild Adapter"…."