Disclaimer: I own nothing…
Summary: And sometimes she wondered if she would have said yes. Sometimes.
Author's Notes: Just a random little story that popped into my head… It's not a happy fic. Sort of depressing actually… The lyrics here are from "Damage" by Plumb.
Also, to anyone who's reading 'Through The Iris' or 'Friend Or Foe?', I want to let you know that I'm still working on them… I know it's been awhile, but classes have just started back up, and I'm trying to get back into the swing of things… Not to mention the fact that my new car is giving me problems. And I forgot to e-mail myself the files for 'Friend Or Foe?', so I had to drive four hours home to get them… So anyway, they will be continued eventually, just so you know. Hopefully soon. Probably within the next few weeks…
Anyway, here's the story. Hope you like it!
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
Sometimes she wonders. Thinks of what they could have been. Asks herself why she never let him in, because she thinks that if she had, even for a moment, she could have been happy.
Sometimes she wonders if he loved her. She thinks of every moment, every touch, every look, and she knows… But then, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she asks herself if it was just wishful thinking… If, maybe, he never cared for her at all. Maybe she was nothing more than another notch in the headboard.
Sometimes she wonders when sometimes became every day, every passing moment of her life. Until she realizes that sometimes is just a word she uses to make herself feel better. A word that made her empty little life seem just a little less pathetic. A word that meant everything she was hadn't been consumed by thoughts of Seeley Booth…
I'm scared and I'm alone
And I need for you to know
She remembers the last time she saw Parker. When she had knocked on Rebecca's door, desperate for some final link to him. Her eyes had been bloodshot and teary, and Parker had hovered behind his mother, his little face soft and sad as he watched her. She imagined he could sense her distress. Imagined he knew just how much she missed his daddy, and it was only that which had brought the little boy to wrap her up in the biggest hug his little arms could muster and kiss her cheek and tell her that he missed daddy, too, but that everything would be okay, because daddy was up in Heaven watching over them, and that he wouldn't want them to be sad.
That had been months ago, and Rebecca hadn't allowed her to go near Parker again. Why, she couldn't understand, but she had no say in the matter, and so she had accepted it. Walked away and never looked back.
It got harder with every passing moment, and sometimes she wondered if the world would be better off without this pitifully broken version of herself. She had become someone even she herself could not recognize, and sometimes it seemed that there was nothing more here for her but the end.
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
Sometimes she sees him when she dreams. And sometimes she asks him why he left her. Why she was being forced to live every moment without him by her side, even when she knew, in her heart, that this wasn't the life she had been meant to live. That he was meant to be there, by her side, protecting her, pulling her through every struggle she was forced to face…
And he would answer. Tell her that he hadn't meant to go. That he had loved her more than his own life, and it was this that had ended it all, because he hadn't even thought twice about throwing himself in front of that bullet for her. He hadn't meant to go, but he loved her, and he would never, not even for a moment, regret that choice.
But they were just dreams. Dreams that left her heartbroken and alone, because it was her fault that he was gone.
Sometimes she sees him. Walking down the street, standing beside her in the lab, smiling softly from the kitchen, just as he had done every morning before greeting her with a soft kiss… But then she blinks, and he's gone and she wonders what she could have possibly done in life to deserve so much pain.
Sometimes she wonders if things would have been different if she hadn't lost the baby. The baby… The child she hadn't even known existed until the doctors had told her she was gone. And so was her daddy.
One night, one horrible night, and three lives had been lost. The man she loved, the child they had created… And herself. Because everything she had ever loved had been taken from her, and now she was lost.
She hadn't cried when the doctors had told her. Not one tear shed at the hospital… Sometimes she wondered if she was a horrible person for that. Even though she knew, somewhere deep down, that it had been the result of shock, it still broke her heart that she had been incapable of emotion, of grief, in those moments…
But then she had gotten home, and she had expected to see him waiting there for her, and he hadn't been there… And she had cried. Sobbed out everything, her face buried in his pillow, until there was nothing left. Of the tears, or herself. In those moments, she had become hollow. Empty.
She remembered finding the ring. A simple, diamond ring with a white gold band; Always engraved on the inside.
And sometimes she wondered if she would have said yes.
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back
Sometimes she visits him. Flowers and all… And she talks to him, tears falling from her eyes as she stares at the stone before her, and it makes her feel cold. Because she wants to remember him by that charming smile, and those deep, soulful eyes. Not by some stone in the ground.
And sometimes, while she's there, she wonders if there could be a God. If, maybe, just maybe, Seeley Booth could be watching over her from some paradise so much better than the life he had been faced with in this world…
And so sometimes she prays.
But then sometimes she asks herself how, if there is a God, he could possibly be so cruel. How he could rip away everything good in her life. Everything she had never before known she wanted. Everything she loved.
She sees Angela and Hodgins sometimes. Sees them with their baby girl and one on the way, and she wonders why that couldn't be her. Why her life has been so completely and utterly destroyed. She wants him back, so desperately. And she wants their child back. She wants to be able to hold that little baby in her arms and she wants to watch her husband beaming over their new little bundle of joy, and…
She wants to be a family.
Sometimes Angela tells her she'll have that chance again. Tells her exactly what she herself had told Angela when Kurt had been murdered… That there is no singular moment. That nothing in this universe could happen only once.
The only difference is that now she knows how wrong she was. Because she will never again have what she had with Seeley Booth.
And every moment of every day, her heart aches.
Because she never told him she loved him.
And sometimes she wonders if it could have been different, had she only confessed her feelings…
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I can't go back
I must go on