Napoleon goes to Disneyland
"It was real nice of you to drive us out here in your sweet new ride," Napoleon said to Kip. He, his brother, Deb, Lafawnduh and Pedro stood outside the gates to the Happiest Place on Earth. Kip glanced over at the teal green '71 Chevrolet Mustang, roof down.
"Yeah, well, I was thinking about giving it some purple racing stripes," Kip sounded thoughtful.
"That'd be awesome…stripes…" Napoleon thought for a minute. "Or, y'know…I could paint a centaur with a magical scepter on it, if you wanted to."
"I think we should go into the park, now," Pedro mumbled after an awkward silence.
"Yeah," Napoleon said, leading the way through the turnstiles. The elderly man who looked worn out in the intense July heat gave them each a ticket as they got through.
"Ugh!" The turnstile got stuck for a minute as Napoleon tried to get through. He pressed repeatedly on the metal bar. Finally, though, it let him through. He sighed and waited for the others.
"We're going to the haunted house ride now," Kip said, rejoining hands with Lafawnduh.
"No, Kip! It's called the Haunted Mansion! Gosh; everyone flipping knows that!" Napoleon scowled.
"I don't care, Napoleon. It's just a ride that people use to make out, anyway." Kip glanced anxiously at Lafawnduh, who gave him a wink and grin.
Napoleon sighed. "Whatever." He looked around; sweaty, fanny pack-ridden tourists were either standing around under benches or walking into the park like it was a race.
"Peace out," Kip gave the trio the peace fingers and a hinting look as he headed off with Lafawnduh. She gave them a little wave over her shoulder.
"So what do you wanna do?" Napoleon asked indirectly as he, Deb and Pedro stood outside the pink, blue and grey castle, also the entrance to Fantasyland. Deb looked up at him, and then looked away shyly.
"Maybe we should walk around first," Pedro suggested.
"Yeah," Napoleon said. "It's pretty hard to know your way around on your first trip. Come on," he led the way into Frontierland. Deb glanced at Pedro.
"You haven't been here?" she asked quietly.
"No," Pedro replied, giving her a kind of blank look.
"Oh," Deb glanced at the ground. "Neither have I." She ran to catch up with Napoleon. Pedro ran after both of them.
"So…why is it called the 'Happiest Place on Earth'? Everybody looks real tired," Pedro looked around at the tourists.
"I guess it's 'cuz it's a place where…all your wildest dreams can come true," Napoleon thought about the class elections from last year and Pedro's campaign slogan of sorts.
"Maybe because Walt Disney had a dream," Deb said timidly, but like she knew what she was talking about.
"Yeah; that works, too," said Napoleon. The trio was standing at the edge of the Rivers of America. Canoes paddled close to the island in the middle and the Sailing Ship Columbia was rounding the bend.
"It's too bad they don't let us fish in there anymore," Napoleon turned to Deb, "or I would've caught you a delicious bass." Deb just smiled at him. Another awkward moment passed.
"Is that the ride that Kip is on?" Pedro pointed to a two-story white building with tall pillars in front. Trees covered most of it out front, but a part of a building was still visible.
"I guess so," Napoleon said.
Eventually, after a bit more walking, the trio made it to Fantasyland. Napoleon looked around for a minute; there were so many intense colors and children laughing and running around everywhere. He spotted a sword stuck in a rock. Leading the other two over, he just marveled at it for a minute.
"Hey, Deb…can you get a picture of me pulling it out real quick?" Napoleon asked.
"Sure," Deb said, lifting the camera with the long strap around her neck up to eye level. Napoleon pulled as hard as he could on the handle, but nothing happened. Deb took the picture when he looked like he was straining his hardest.
"It's a piece of crap! I can't pull it!" Napoleon exclaimed angrily. He kicked the rock with his moon boot and stormed off. A little boy waiting patiently behind him pulled very lightly on the sword. It came out of the rock, but the trio didn't exactly care. Deb and Pedro ran after Napoleon.
"I…I got your picture," Deb said, hoping it would help.
"Thanks," Napoleon sighed. "I bet I coulda summoned fellow knights from around the world or local wizards with that sword, if I wanted to."
"But that little boy over there is stronger than you are," Pedro said, watching as the little boy was being praised by Cast members.
"He must be infused with…super-magical powers, I guess," said Napoleon. Deb again glanced at him; then looked away. Walking around a little bit more, the trio found one of the most popular rides in the park.
The teacup spun around and around and around. Napoleon's head was flailing around in circles like he was going to hurl. Deb's side ponytail flew in her face as she held on to her camera tightly. Pedro just spun the wheel in the middle as fast as he could.
"I've been on a ride like that once in Mexico," Pedro said, like he was having fond memories of the ride. The trio stepped out of the giant cup, Napoleon's world spinning around him.
"Sweet! What was it like?" he asked.
"It was fun," Pedro mumbled, "But not really as good."
"Oh," Napoleon said.
"How about that ride?" Deb asked, pointing to King Arthur's Carousel in front of them.
"Sure," said Napoleon and Pedro. Unfortunately, riding the horse up and down made Napoleon's stomach even worse. The minute the ride stopped, he jumped off his horse and practically sprinted to the restroom, if it weren't for all the darned crowds everywhere.
"Where should we go now?" Pedro asked. Napoleon looked around. The Matterhorn line looked too long and wrapped around nearly the entire ride. Instead, the three walked past it – into Tomorrowland.
"You wanna grab some lunch, or something?" Napoleon asked as they neared Rocket Rodd's Pizza Port. A giant, 50's-style rocket ship stood outside with cool mist coming from the exhaust pipes beneath it. The trio walked into the restaurant, got some pizza or salad and took a seat in a booth next to a poster of the Flying Saucers attraction.
Napoleon looked down at what Pedro was having (salad and fries). "Can I have some of your fries?" he asked. Pedro gave him a catlike look.
"Sure," he said. Napoleon reached over and grabbed over half the French fries sitting in a little paper plate on Pedro's tray.
"Thanks," Napoleon said, taking a bite out of one. As he chewed, he acted like it was the best thing he'd ever eaten in his life. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.
"Yeah, I've been on a spaceship once. No big. Goes a lot faster than that, though." Napoleon said when they'd finished lunch and stepped outside. He nodded to the Astro Orbitor, a tall ride with large, spinning golden spheres. Small, two-person rocket ships were spinning around the middle in a big circle.
Deb and Pedro just looked on for a minute, not really sure what to say.
"Wanna go on that ride?" Napoleon asked, pointing to Star Tours. "Sure," said Deb and Pedro, following their friend into the queue building. The line was fairly long but went quickly, wrapping through half the queue building, coming around and into the next building.
"I made a sweet droid like that once," Napoleon pointed to the C-3PO figure standing on a small platform and looking over layouts for a ship that R2-D2 was repairing. "Could walk and everything."
"That's pretty cool," Pedro mumbled, watching as the golden droid talked to his little friend. "So…he could help you with homework, or something?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Napoleon sort of shrugged. "He was super-smart 'cuz I programmed him that way."
"That's neat," Pedro said.''
"Yeah," Napoleon looked around. On a giant wall was a projection of a commercial for a trip to Endor's moon, featuring Ewoks.
"Why're there little teddy bears walking around in the forest?" Pedro asked when the commercial ended. Apparently, he'd never seen Return of the Jedi before.
"Gosh, Pedro; haven't you ever seen a bear walking around in the woods before?" Napoleon asked like it was the most obvious thing ever.
"Yes," Pedro said, sounding a little annoyed.
Napoleon looked away. "This line sure is taking a long time," Deb said. The guys just continued looking around and not saying anything.
"Artoo, lightspeed to Endor!" REX, the oddly shaped droid, called out from the front of the small theater-type room. Napoleon, Deb and Pedro sat in the back, watching as asteroids and meteors flew by the screen up in front.
"Gosh, Pedro! Thanks for flippin' givin' me half your fries at lunch!" Napoleon exclaimed very sarcastically. The seats in back were shaking wildly.
"You feeling kinda sick, too?" Pedro asked.
"Heck, yes, I am! Gosh!" Napoleon exclaimed, turning back to the movie screen. He brought his hand back down and it suddenly collided with Deb's, who looked like she was holding on for dear life. Napoleon winced, like her hand was painful. She glanced quickly at him, then put her hand on her lap.
When the ride had finished, Napoleon sighed and followed Deb out of the theater, through the gift shop and back out into the park. "That was pretty much the sweetest space trip I've ever been on," Napoleon said. Deb nodded and smiled in agreement.
"I heard the Haunted Mansion is supposed to be pretty good," Pedro spoke up. "But I don't know where I heard it from."
"That's the ride Kip and Lafawnduh are on," Napoleon said.
"So?" Deb asked.
"So…well…I dunno," Napoleon tried to think of a reason not to go on the Haunted Mansion, other than he was terrified of it as a kid and didn't think it would be any good.
"Then…why don't we go on it?" Pedro asked.
Napoleon sighed. "C'mon; let's go." He led the trio out of Tommorowland, past the Astro Orbitor, through the winding and crowded main square and through Adventureland. Pedro and Deb had to walk quickly to catch up with Napoleon; the ride was a bit far away from where they'd been before.
As they walked through the gates, Napoleon felt weird butterflies in his stomach. "You guys sure you wanna do this one?" he asked, as if either of them would say no.
"Yeah," Deb and Pedro said.
Napoleon sighed again, heading into the foyer. The room was already pretty full. A female Cast member in a green-and-black dress came in after them, closing the doors.
"When hinges creak in doorless chambers, and strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls…Whenever candle lights flicker, where the air is deathly still…that is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight!" a voice said, but the trio could hardly hear it; there was so much talking going on in the room. Nobody seemed to really be paying attention; they were either talking amongst themselves or making what they thought to be funny haunted house-type sounds.
"Why won't anyone be quiet?" Deb said so Napoleon could hear her.
"'Cuz they're all freakin' idiots," he said, scowling a little. After a bit more Ghost Host narration, the group filed into an octagonal room with four portraits up on the walls.
"Please, everyone, drag your lifeless bodies to the dead center of the room!" a male Cast member in a forest-green suit tried to say over the noise, but most people stayed along the walls. Pedro and Deb watched and laughed a little as the shocked people jumped when the room began to stretch. The portraits, too, stretched to show the fates of the subjects.
Suddenly, the lights flashed out. Obnoxious screaming filled the room as the trio looked up above them at a hanging corpse dangling from a small hidden room. Deb gasped and grabbed Napoleon's arm, but realized what she'd just done a second or so later. She let go, glanced at him again, and backed away. A panel in the wall slid open and the group filed down a hallway lined on one side with portraits that changed from simple portraits to more grisly pictures. Two staring busts watched as the group turned a corner and went down a path to the Doombuggy load area. The trio climbed into the black clamshell and went off to the ride.
"Serpents and spiders, tail of a rat…call in the spirits wherever they're at!"
"Hey, Deb…can you get a picture of that floating head real quick?" Napoleon pointed to the large crystal ball with a woman's face in it sitting on a table in the middle of the séance room.
"Sure," Deb hoisted up the camera and took the picture. Luckily, it wasn't flash.
"Thanks," Napoleon said afterwards. Next, they looked down into the large ballroom/dining room; ghosts were everywhere. Three couples were waltzing to some crazed waltz gone wrong. Many ghosts sat at the long table in the middle, with a red-haired, plump woman standing on a chair at one end and blowing the candles out on her cake.
"Y'know, I saw a ghost at my house once," Napoleon said.
"Really?" Pedro asked.
"Yeah," Napoleon shrugged like it was no big deal. "Just some crazy old guy, I guess. I told him I'd summon up powerful demons to do my bidding if he didn't leave. So he left."
"Wow," said Deb, sounding genuinely interested.
"Yeah; it's one of my skills…demon summoning," Napoleon said flatly. The Doombuggy turned a corner and came into the attic, filled to the roof with junk everywhere.
"I think these people could have a garage sale once in a while," Pedro said, looking around at the boxes, trunks and other clutter. Turning another corner, the trio saw a ghostly bride standing at the window, her heart glowing with each heartbeat. She held a dripping candle in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. Her eyes glowed as she gestured to the open window.
When it got outside, the Doombuggy tipped backward and went down into the graveyard.
"Gosh…idiot coulda at least given his dog a bone, or something," Napoleon said when the Doombuggy passed the caretaker and his skinny, whimpering dog. Next, the graveyard. A ghost hunter's feast. Ghosts were absolutely everywhere. Ghosts were playing in some weird band, riding bicycles, having tea, singing opera and duets and digging themselves out of crypts. A quintet of busts were singing Grim, Grinning Ghosts:
"Now, don't close your eyes and don't try to hide,
Or a silly spook will sit by your side
Shrouded in a daft disguise,
They pretend to terrorize
Grim, Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize!"
"Who the heck would sing about ghosts?" Napoleon asked.
"I think it's meant to be a theme song," Deb said quietly.
"Yeah," Pedro agreed. The Doombuggy came around into the crypt where three hitchhiking ghosts stood, thumbing for a ride. Turning another corner, the trio was looking into a mirror, where a thin, gangly ghost with a derby hat and cheeky grin materialized right where Napoleon was sitting. He swatted at it like it was a bug; by the third mirror, it had vanished.
"That was fun," Deb said quietly, smiling.
"Yeah," Napoleon shrugged, not admitting he'd overcome his childhood fears now. "It was pretty awesome, for a haunted house."
Walking over to an exit ramp, the trio spotted a small girl in a wedding dress holding some dead flowers.
"Hurry ba-ack…" she said tauntingly as they went by, "Hurry ba-ack…be sure to bring your Death Certificate, if you decide to join…"
"Knew you guys'd be on that one," was the first thing Napoleon heard as he exited the ride. He looked around and Kip was leaning against the brick wall, smiling smugly at them. "Well, Lafawnduh and I had a great time today." Lafawnduh was sitting on a brick fence that curved around the garden and off to somewhere.
"You two were on that ride all day?" Pedro asked.
"Well, we went on that Indiana Jones ride," Kip said, "And that Peter Pan ride."
"Don't forget about the Snow White ride," Lafawnduh said, smiling down at him, patting his head.
"Thank you, dear," he smiled back up at her, exchanging a quick kiss on the lips. Napoleon sort of rolled his eyes at the sort-of appalling sight.
"It's getting pretty late," noticed Napoleon. The sun was already starting to set a bit. "Maybe we can eat dinner at that sweet-lookin' restaurant I spotted on the way here."
"Geez, Napoleon; you could've at least noticed the name." Kip mumbled.
"S' not my fault you were drivin' a million dang miles an hour!" Napoleon exclaimed.
Kip rolled his eyes and led the party with Lafawnduh, the two holding hands, out to the parking lot and driving on down the road.
A/N: Forgive me, all readers, if this is not strictly in Napoleon voice; it's just meant to be a bit of silliness some friends of mine and I thought of one day. Thank you very much to Aquarian Wolf for coming up with some of Napoleon's lines and letting me use them.
Thank you all for reading!
Disclaimer: I do not own the film Napoleon Dynamite, except I do have a t-shirt and some wristbands.
I do not own the Disney parks or anything basically mentioned in this whole oneshot.