A/N: hiya! I'm writing this to cheer myself up now that "Portrait" is over. WARNING: that story was long and sober; this one will be short and inane!
A Disastrous Displacement
Chapter 1: You're going to need therapy
"Heh heh heh," Lefty chuckled wickedly as D realized that he was trapped. "If only the fangirls could see you now."
"Hush," D muttered crossly. It had been several hundred years since he'd last woken up to find his wrists and ankles secured to the four posts of the bed he decided to sleep in the night before. That time, he'd been tied down with good old fashioned chains and leather straps. This time, the situation looked a little more severe. A nasty assortment of electrical wires and surgical tubing seemed to have been fastened to his limbs, somehow holding him in place—but there were iron cuffs on his wrists and ankles too. Obviously whoever did this to him wasn't taking any chances. At least they hadn't deprived him of his clothes this time.
"I know what you're thinking," Lefty said energetically. "You're thinking about the last time this happened to you, and you're glad that this time you didn't wake up wearing nothing but a black lace--"
"Shut up," D said through clenched teeth. But it was true that he was very glad to not be wearing anything made of black lace. The voice from his hand made a snuffling, laughing noise.
"It's okay that you were traumatized," it said, its tone half mocking and half sincere. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I was NOT traumatized," D muttered threateningly. His hand clucked disapprovingly.
"Someday, you'll have to get over your denial."
"I am NOT in denial." D's voice might have actually been a little louder than normal.
"Someday, you're going to need therapy," Lefty predicted.
Across the room, the door handle clicked, and D turned his head. A vampire stepped through the door. Unlike most vampires, this one didn't possess much in the way of elvish beauty or gracefulness-- instead, he was short and cross-eyed with painfully poor posture. D winced as the ugly, evil little vampire smiled at him—usually, having nice big healthy fangs in your mouth meant that all your other teeth were more or less in their proper positions…but such was not the case with this hideous hunchbacked creature.
"You," D said simply, his voice far too calm for someone who was, by all indications, about to be the victim of an experiment from a 1960s' mad scientist movie. "You're the vampire I've been sent to kill."
The aesthetically deficient vampire nodded. "Indeed!" he said in a wheezing, squeaking voice. "But I am also…" he paused for an overlong moment of artificially induced suspense "… the one who sent you!"
"Sent me what?" D asked blankly.
"To kill me! I sent you to kill me!" the vampire clarified hastily.
"No you didn't," D said. "The mayor of Morsburg sent me to kill you."
The vampire snorted, which might have been its ugly method of laughing. "Tall, handsome fellow, right? That was me."
"No, he was human," D informed his captor, dead-certainty in his voice.
The vampire launched into another round of wheezy snorts, which was definitely its ugly method of laughing this time. "Oh, his body was human," the vampire said smugly. "But I was the one upstairs, turning the lights on, running the show, steering the bus, and boinking his lovely wife! For you see…"
D found himself enduring another unnecessary dramatic pause.
"…I have mastered the science of body-switching!" the ugly vampire grinned wildly; evidently he was extraordinarily proud of himself for that particular achievement.
D almost sighed. He was well aware that in this sort of predicament, the solution to the villain's demise would be revealed if he could only keep the creature talking. All the desperate lonely insane criminal mastermind vampires loved to talk about their problems, once properly prompted. "So you switched bodies with a human" D said flatly, completely unimpressed. "…How did you do that?"
To D's relief, the lame question was enough of a prompt. The vampire's blood-colored eyes (which were permanently focused on his own misshapen nose) gleamed with fervor. "It's taken me five thousand years to perfect my machine," he wheezed, and then his ugly voice acquired a tone of salesman-esque urgency. "I can take any two creatures and make their spirits trade bodies- while keeping both of their consciousnesses, and both of their bodies, completely intact!"
D couldn't really think of anything to say to that. Fortunately, the ugly vampire prevented an awkward silence from developing by rushing to explain his evil plan. "I've devoted my existence to trying out different bodies, looking for the very best one," he said. "I've been a delicate maiden, a monstrous shark, even a professional wrestler! But with every experiment, something was lacking. Human bodies are the most versatile and exciting, but they weaken and wither so quickly, and are easily killed. Mutant bodies are the best physically, but one must consider the lifestyle associated with the form, which makes a mutant body far less desirable than a human one. But now, at long last, I've found the ultimate physical form, the one that I will make my own… for eternity!" The vampire grinned hideously with its crooked twisted teeth.
"You're planning… to switch bodies… with me?" D asked slowly.
"Precisely!" the vampire squeaked. He seemed genuinely delighted that D understood his evil intentions. "I will switch bodies with you, and the instant the transfer of consciousness is complete, your body –which will then be MY body, of course—will be instantly released from those cuffs, and then I, the vampire hunter, will slay you, the vampire—and then I shall ride out into the sunlight, and live among humans or vampires however I please!"
"It's not that easy," D warned him softly.
"I beg to differ!" the ugly creature protested. "Being a dhampir is far easier than being either a vampire or a human. You obviously don't appreciate how good fate has been to you. If you ever had to walk a mile in the shoes of those less fortunate than you, I bet you wouldn't be so dissatisfied with your heritage. But you'll never get the chance to do that, because as soon as I pull this lever, you'll be me, and then… you'll be dead!"
The ugly vampire snorted and wheezed in a way that was more disgusting than maniacal, but everyone got the point. There was, naturally, a lever sticking out of the wall. Before D had time to abandon enough of his dignity to beg the creature to reconsider, the vampire had wrapped his ugly, evil little fingers around the lever and yanked it down.
There was a bright flash, a sharp pain, and with wide-open eyes D watched the ugly vampire's body turn to ash and disintegrate. For an instant after that, D's vision was clouded by a white haze, but then the haze cleared, and D found himself staring up at the ceiling at a somewhat different angle than he had been a moment ago.
"Where am I?" Lefty groaned loudly. D blinked. The gruff voice had definitely come from somewhere off to his right… "D? Hey man, are you alright?"
"I'm not sure," D replied quietly. "Something obviously went wrong with his machine."
"You can say that again," Lefty grumbled. "I can't remember the last time I felt this messed-up."
"I don't think I can move," D said. "I can't feel my feet."
"Don't worry, they're still there," Lefty said. "I can feel 'em just fine. Actually, I can feel them better than usual… that's weird… Oh, this is weird, man. It's like I'm…" Lefty's voice trailed off, and D heard a couple of rustling sounds, followed by a soft gasp.
"What is it?" D asked, concerned.
"Oh My God," Lefty said abruptly.
"What?" D asked again. Suddenly the world spun. D felt himself being lifted and twisted around, but everything was out of whack- he knew he only traveled a short distance, but it felt like he'd suddenly been thrown several body-lengths through the air. And then something truly horrifying came into focus- he found himself staring up into his own face, which was looming over him, peering down at him- and worst of all, there was a ridiculous smile stretched across it, showing all his teeth.
"Well, well, well!" D watched his own mouth say. Using Lefty's voice. "What do you know about that! Yikes, is my face really that wrinkly?"
"Wh…what do you…" D said, adding a tiny bit of worry to the tiny bit of confusion in his tone.
"You mean you don't get it? The ugly bastard's machine worked, don't you see? But instead of switching you and him… it toasted him, and switched me and you!"
With a terrible feeling that was probably what it felt like to have liquid oxygen poured down your throat to instantly freeze and shatter all your innards, D realized it was true. His consciousness was now located in his own left hand, while the consciousness that previously resided there…
"Wuagh huah hah!" Lefty laughed. "This is better than anything I've ever wished for!"
D grimaced, an action for which his new face was particularly well-suited. "Stop that…" he said quietly, feeling ill.
"huh? Stop what?"
"Smiling," D said. "My… my fangs are showing."
"These are my fangs now, buster, and I'll show 'em whenever I want!"
Suddenly D realized that his current situation was very possibly worse than his worst nightmare. "So what do we do now?" he asked, keeping his voice calm and even.
"Oh man, the possibilities!" Lefty said feverishly. "Naturally, we're gonna do everything that you never let yourself do!"
D scowled. "If you give in to the thirst, I'll kill you," he said darkly.
"Jeez!" Lefty said, sounding hurt. "Is that really the only thing on your mind? You know I don't like vampires any more than you do, and I have no intention of turning us into one. I was thinking more along the lines of running away from danger, avoiding pain and peril, basking in the glow of your glory, taking long luxurious baths, and of course, when it comes to the ladies--"
"It's not a good idea," D said, his tone almost harsh.
"No, it's a great idea," Lefty said with another wicked grin. "And I'll prove it to you."
"You don't understand," D said. His own cool sea-grey eyes narrowed, gazing down at him. D never imagined he could be chilled by his own expression.
"D," Lefty said almost solemnly. "You don't understand… how long I've wanted to do this to you--" And with that, he clenched his hand into a fist, banishing D's consciousness into the netherspace.
The last thing D saw before darkness engulfed him was a final flash of that dreadful smile…
A/N: Poor D! This is just too much fun. And there's so much more to come, buwahahahaaa! There's definitely a little influence from Patricia deLioncourt's "How to be a Dhampir", and maybe a bit more from Kitt Yuehana's amazing VHD fanfiction… if you haven't read those stories yet, go check them out right away!